Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Please note that the story idea behind this fiction is entirely that of the authors. Use of any portion of this fiction, without the authors' prior approval is strictly prohibited.

A/N: Thank you to my lovely friend and beta sparklingwand, and to my proof readers Twimoments and Melarimo. I love you girls more than I can ever say!

Thanks to my readers for nominating my story in the annual Glosp Awards for that I'm incredibly grateful! Voting is open until October 24th so please take the time and vote!

~x~

'What Could Have Been'

Silent wishes left unspoken,

my heart once full of love, now lies broken.

What could have been, I know will never be.

So clear now, you've never belonged to me.

My heart once full of hope, is no longer able to cope,

when the bond between us has been so completely broke.

No, what could have been, between you and me, I know now will never be.

Written by: DreamsOfEdward1

~x~

Chapter 9 (What Could Have Been)

~Jacob~

I left work early today with every intention of getting home in time to meet this mysterious friend from Bella's past. I have been waiting for this moment for almost ten fucking years, just one small piece of her past.

Is it really worth my effort anymore, I thought to myself the closer I got to home.

Since I met Bella in college, she has been holding such a big part of herself back from me. I really believed in the beginning that if I just loved her enough, eventually she would come around and open up to me about whatever it is that caused her so much pain.

But that has been a fruitless dream of mine, because whatever has hurt her has left her damaged beyond repair, and frankly, I'm really fucking tired of chasing after an invisible ghost that she just can't let go of.

I just can't do it anymore. All I've ever really wanted was to make her happy, but it has become so clear to me that I will never be the right man for that job. He's out there somewhere and he doesn't even give a fuck, or he would have never let her go to begin with.

I know she loves me in her own way, but that just isn't enough for me anymore. Settling for second place isn't something I'm willing to do for the rest of my life. Especially now that I know what it feels like to really be loved and desired by someone.

I pulled off the highway just before reaching my exit and came to a stop on the side of the road. I shut off the car, and leaned my head back on the seat.

What the fuck am I doing?

I cringed.

Running toward answers that I really already have?

Bella will never allow herself to be a complete part of my life. I've known that for a long time, but recently the distance between us has been almost unbearable. Her nightmares have led to her talking in her sleep, which she hasn't done in years. I don't know if it's this friend that is coming to visit her or this Edward she keeps mumbling about in her sleep that is driving me more insane, but I need to find out.

Why can't I just let her fucking go?

A stream of hot tears began to fall down my cheeks. Reaching up to wipe them away, anger started to take over me. I had wasted so much fucking time trying to be what she needed, and it really pissed me the fuck off that there was someone out there that held her heart in the palm of his hands and threw it away as though it meant nothing.

My anger quickly shifted to guilt as Leah came to the forefront of my mind. Here I wanted to kill some mother fucker for having hurt Bella, and I was doing the same God damn thing. I'm holding on to her when I had unintentionally fallen in love with someone else. Bella is my best friend, maybe that's why I'm holding on so tight, but Leah has ignited a passion buried so deep inside me, I didn't even realize it existed.

I actually grew up with Leah Clearwater. We were very good friends and even tried dating a few times in high school. It just wasn't the right time for either one of us though, and we eventually lost touch with each other when we went off to different colleges.

A few months ago, however, we ran into each other again while I was out of town on a business trip where I had grown up in Phoenix. I won't lie. The moment I laid eyes on her beautiful russet skin, long flowing jet black hair and her big brown eyes, I immediately came undone. All of the emotions that I had pushed aside from when we were kids, exploded inside me. I realized there was a spark between us that had been there since we were kids, but I was too stupid then to understand what it meant.

(Flashback)

A soft gasp and a gentle electricity in the air alerted me to her before she even uttered my name.

"Jacob, is that really you?" I heard a melodic voice say from behind me.

I turned around, and I couldn't believe it was her. She had changed so much and yet so little since I'd last seen her. When I last saw her, she was a little girl on her way to womanhood. Now, standing before me was this gorgeous, tall, slender woman with legs that went for days. I instantly fantasized about those legs wrapped around my neck as I…fuck, she was amazing.

"Leah," I gasped. I stood to take her in my arms, and she came willingly.

In an instant, my wife was no longer in my thoughts. The air around us hummed with this immediate attraction between us. My whole fucking body was reacting to this beautiful woman standing here in my arms. I couldn't let her go, she felt so damn good.

"It's so good to see you," she whispered in my ear.

"I can't believe you're here," I replied.

She pulled back a little and looked me in the eyes. What I saw there evoked emotions in me that I had long thought were dead inside me. It was as though fate was giving us a second chance for happiness. Married or not, I wasn't going to let this moment pass me by.

"What are you doing here? Your dad told me you were living in California the last time I ran in to him," she said looking puzzled.

I wanted to smile just knowing that she had taken the time to ask about me, but I also wanted to kick my dad's ass for never mentioning that he had run into her.

"I do live in California. I'm just here on business."

"Oh, how long are you in town?" she asked.

"Just for tonight. I leave tomorrow morning."

"That's too bad. I was really hoping we'd have more time to catch up." Her face dropped and I could see the genuine sadness in her eyes. For a moment that angered me. Bella never looked like this when I left. Hell, she almost looked giddy, and here before me was this gorgeous creature, who actually wanted my company. Something was terribly wrong with that picture.

"I've missed you, Jacob. It's not been the same here without you," she whispered.

"Yes, me too," I sighed.

I wanted nothing more than a chance to get to know her again. I just wasn't ready for this moment to end. So I took her by the hand and pulled her to an empty table in the hotel bar and sat down beside her.

Our conversation flowed easily, and honestly, it was as though we had never been apart from each other. I was completely amazed at how at home I felt in her presence. In just a few short hours, she had managed to make feel as though I had been missing so much from my life.

Before I knew it, I realized it was nearly three in the morning, and the bar was closing up for the night. She stood to leave and every part of me wanted to beg her to stay and spend the rest of the night with me. Reality was that even though Bella had barely crossed my mind tonight, I was married and I just couldn't do that to her.

So I too stood and asked if I could at least walk her to her car. It was late and I would have been an ass if I didn't make sure this beautiful woman made it to her car safely. The problem was that once we reached her car, I found it incredibly difficult to let her leave.

There was a battle raging in my heart. Wrong verses right.

I started to think about all the pain that Bella had caused me over the years. How she has never really been there for me. How, no matter how hard I tried, she has always managed to make me feel like I was never enough for her emotionally or physically.

If I were to say goodbye to Leah now, I'll never know what I could be missing. I'll never know what it could actually feel like to be wanted and needed by someone.

"Jake, are you okay?" she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

In that moment something took over me. I made the decision that I just couldn't let her walk out of my life again. I would have to deal with the consequences of my actions later, but right now I wanted her and nothing, not even my wife, was going to stop me from having her.

I looked at her and I'm sure my intentions were written all over my face, because she just smiled at me and placed her hands on my waist and pulled me to her.

"I've missed you so much, Jake." Her lips just inches from mine. I could feel her warm breath caress my face and it was so inviting. "I'm not ready to say goodbye to you again."

Any doubts I'd had up until that moment completely disappeared with her words. She wanted me just as much as I wanted her, and up until now, I've never known what that could feel like.

I reached out and took her face in my hands, running my thumbs across her cheekbones.

"I've missed you too. I didn't even know how much until just now."

I inhaled sharply when her tongue darted across her bottom lip. My mind went blank and my desire for her took control as our lips collided. The raw passion in that kiss was almost too much for me to take. There was no fucking way I was letting her get away from me now.

A hungry moan escaped her lips, and flooded my mouth, while our tongues fought for dominance over each other.

I pushed her back against the car, needing to feel her tight against my body. I had the urge to taste her, to envelope her, and I wanted nothing more than to have all of her wrapped around me as I made her scream in pleasure.

My teeth nipped down her jaw, leaving smalls red marks on her soft skin. I grabbed her leg and wrapped it around my hip, pushing my painful erection into her wet center. She gasped at the feel and her nails raked down my back as she leaned her head back on the car, giving me full access to her neck.

I made my way down her neck and collarbone only to suck her fucking perfect nipple into my mouth through her silk blouse. She cried out, and grabbed my head pulling me closer to her.

I moaned hungry for her naked body. I had never done anything like this before. I had never felt this type of raw desire. Bella and I had always been so pleasant during sex. Not that it was bad, but there was never this need like I was feeling right now. I needed Leah. I needed her like I needed air.

I snaked my fingers down her hips and slipped them up under her skirt. The heat that permeated down her thigh was so inviting. I cupped her hot center in my hand, palming her clit through her panties. My fingers traced the hem of her panties and I stopped.

I stood back, looking at this magnificent woman before me. Wanton desire rolled off of her for me. I knew that if I did this, there was no going back for me. I could never go back to a simple life with Bella when I knew this type of passion.

"Jacob," she murmured, "are you okay? I understand if we need to stop."

She licked her lips and just looked at me, waiting patiently for me to decide what I wanted. She had no hidden agenda, she didn't want to hurt me, but it was clear she felt for me what I did for her.

I sighed and closed my eyes, weighing my options.

Soon after, I was pulling her back into the hotel and up to my room, where I awoke the next morning after the most amazing experience of my life, lying naked in her arms.

(Flash Forward)

That day was a difficult one for so many fucking reasons. Having to say good bye to Leah was one of the hardest things I've ever done, until I came home and had to face Bella that is.

I'd told myself on the plane on the way home that day, that I was going to confess everything to her the moment I walked in the door. No matter what she'd done to me over the years, she didn't deserve this. It was just time for us to admit that it was over between us. One night with Leah showed me that.

The second I walked in the door, however and looked in Bella's eyes, I completely lost my nerve. So now here I am the chicken shit I never thought I'd be. I'm sneaking around behind my wife's back to see a woman that I'm so clearly in love with, while holding on to a wife who clearly doesn't love me.

I just can't seem to let Bella go. I know what I'm doing isn't fair to any of us but especially not her, but if I lose her I lose the one person in this world that understands me, even when I don't understand myself.

So what fucking right did I have to sit here in this damn car bitching about someone from Bella's past? I'm not even sure if this friend has any connection to the son of a bitch that demolished Bella's spirit, but I know its boiling inside me to know what the fuck he had done to her to break her like this.

I realize I'm doing the same fucking thing, but she has never loved me the way she loved him. I realize I need to come clean with her, she is the best friend I'd ever had, after all. I love her, even if she has never loved me the same way, and that is what makes this so difficult. Now here I am the dick holding on to her, when I should have walked away a long time ago and set her free.

With all of the thoughts of Leah, I feel a longing to connect with her. I pick up my cell phone and quickly text her a message telling her I miss her and I love her. Then I reached down and started the car again. It was time for me to man up and face my demons. I was resolved to tell Bella everything she needed to know, no matter the cost.

When I pulled in the driveway, it took several minutes to gain the strength to exit the car and make my way into the house. I was terrified over how much my life was about to change with my confession to my wife.

It will all be for the best. I just can't allow us to live like this anymore.

I opened my front door and found Bella sitting on the couch in tears. She looked up at the sound of me closing the door.

My heart ached for her. She looked so broken, more so than usual. I longed to hold her, to take her pain away, and yet I was just planning to cause her more pain.

God, I'm one fucked up asshole!

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked genuinely concerned.

She didn't say anything at first, but I could tell she'd been crying for awhile. Seeing her like this made it really difficult to think about telling her anything right now. My concern turned to anger because I was ready to get this shit out in the open. I wanted it to be over with.

Suddenly, I realized that I had completely forgotten the reason I had left work early to begin with. Her friend's visit. That must be the source of her tears.

"What happened? Where's your friend?"

"She's gone," she finally replied.

"Already? Did you two have a fight?"

"No, she came here today to give me some really bad news, but she couldn't stay."

More tears started to fall from her eyes, and I could tell she was having a difficult time even talking at this point. I walked over and sat down beside her on the couch and took her hand in mine.

"What did she say?" I asked.

She looked up at me, and it killed me to see the pain in her eyes, especially knowing that soon I would see it again, only this time it would be at my hands.

"She's very sick, Jake. She looked so frail," she wailed.

"She has some form of Leukemia, and apparently the doctors don't think there is much hope for her."

"Fuck, Bella, I'm so sorry." I really was even though I knew nothing about this girl. She had evidentially been a very important part of Bella's past. I fought the rage burning inside me. The fact that this one visit from her old childhood friend had this much impact on her pissed me off. Why had Bella never said a word about her before now? What secret lied there?

"So that's why she came, just to tell you this? Why, now after all this time?"

I didn't want to sound like a dickhead, but none of this made sense to me. She hasn't heard a word from this girl in twelve years, and suddenly she appears back in her life just to tell her she may be dying of cancer?

"No, that's not the only reason she came, I guess her husband..." she paused sobbing even harder and placing her head in her hands. It didn't escape me that the moment she mentioned this husband, more pain seemed to surface. What the hell was she hiding from me?

"Her husband, Edward, he's a doctor." she continued

Edward, wait, isn't that the name she repeatedly mentions in her sleep?

I tried to remember. It couldn't be. She fucking told me she didn't know anyone named Edward.

My anger was surfacing. I could feel my hands begin to shake at the thought of Bella lying to me. Concealing a piece of her heart I could handle, but outright lying to me I can't. Why would she lie about her friend's husband?

"He's convinced her to have an experimental surgery next week to try and save her, and she's asked me to be there for the surgery."

"You didn't agree to go, did you?" I asked now furious with the thought that maybe Bella was tied to this Edward somehow. Was he the cause of all this fucking pain in her life?

"Jake, I have to go. How in the hell was I supposed to tell her no?"

"I don't know, but you could have at least discussed it with me before you just up and decided to go."

I was desperate to stop her from going. I don't even know why. I came home with the complete intention of telling her that I was in love with someone else, and here I was again desperately clinging to her instead of just letting her go.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that I would need your permission to go," she said coldly.

"I'm not fucking telling you that you needed my permission, Bella. All I said was it would have been nice if you had talked to me before you decided to run off and take care of someone else."

"She's not just someone else, she's my best friend, and she's sick. She needs me right now."

"What about what I need? Did you ever stop to think about that? No, of course you wouldn't. We both know what I need has never been a priority to you," I seethed.

"Where the fuck is this coming from, Jake? Is this all simply because I've decided on my own without consulting you first? I have a right to want to go back to Forks for a few damn days if I want too. I do have family there after all," she yelled.

"No, Bella, this is more about the fact that you feel the need to run off and take care of a friend you haven't seen in twelve fucking years instead of being here with your husband. I mean I can't help but think there's more to this than you're telling me, and as for your family, don't even try to pull that card on me sweetheart. I know how you avoid your father's calls."

This was getting ridiculous, I knew damn well that even if there was more to this than she was telling me, that she would never come clean about it. It was just pointless to try and stop her. She had made up her fucking mind she was going, and nothing I said was going to change that.

I stood, I needed to get out of this room, arguing with her wasn't doing either one of us any good. She was upset right now, I was pissed off, and arguing about it was just making it worse.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To take a shower. It's been a long damn day, and I need to relax."

"Don't you think we should talk about this more?" she groaned.

"No, I really don't see the point, Bella. You've made up your mind to go, and fighting about it isn't going to change that right?"

"No," she conceded. "It won't."

"Fine then. I'm going to shower. I'm tired and it's late."

I walked out of the room towards the bedroom. I needed to get away from her. I was so angry I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth next, and now I was determined more than ever to find out who and what fucked her up so badly. I knew that if I let it slip to her that I was in love with someone else, I would never get the fucking answers I needed to be able to end this shit between us.

I pulled my phone and my keys out of my pocket and placed them on the dresser before heading into the bathroom. I noticed that I had a new text message waiting for me as I was sitting the phone down. I didn't bother to read it. It would have to wait until I got out of the shower.

I walked into the bathroom as Bella made her way into the bedroom. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I needed time to calm down. I wanted to feel bad about having added to her shitty ass day, but I just couldn't.

Deep down I knew all of this had nothing to do with the fact that she wanted to go home to be with her dying friend. My heart told me it had everything to do with this Edward. I found myself hating him and didn't even know if he was connected to her or not.

I couldn't help but wonder if he was the one she constantly dreamed about. It killed me to think he could have had with her, what I had longed for so long to have. Thinking about it just added to my fucking frustration.

I reached down and turned the water off, climbed out of the shower feeling no more relaxed than I had before I'd gotten in. I wondered out of the bathroom and noticed Bella was already in bed. I knew she wasn't asleep yet. She was pretending, like she does so often when she wants to avoid me.

This was her normal tactic when she was upset. She was really good at just completely shutting down. Early in our marriage, I tried to drag her out of her funks, now I know it's a waste of my time so I don't even try.

I was too tired to try and work this out tonight. We would have to deal with it in the morning. I grabbed a t-shirt and boxers out of my top dresser drawer, and looked at my cell phone, ready to read the new text I had missed. I figured I must have imagined the indicator light blinking earlier because it wasn't now, and I put it to the back of my mind. I had bigger things to worry about right now than a faulty phone.

I climbed into bed and reached up to shut the light off.

"Good night, Bella." I whispered.

She didn't say a word, just rolled over and faced away from me. I swore a heard her sniffling a few times, but knew it wouldn't do any good to try and talk to her right now. Instead I tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep. The more I lay there, the more I felt like shit but finally sleep did come.

I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock blaring in my ear. I reached up to shut it off, and noticed right away that Bella wasn't in bed.

This wasn't normal. Very rarely was she ever up before me. She wasn't in the bedroom or bathroom, so I wondered out to the kitchen thinking for sure I would find her drinking her coffee.

She wasn't there though. In fact she was nowhere in the house.

When I realized that her car was missing from the driveway, I panicked and ran back into the bedroom to find my phone so that I could call her. When I picked it up, I realized that it was once again flashing with a new text. I opened the text to read it and was shocked to see it was from Bella.

Jacob,

"Looks like we've both had a past that's haunted us. It's time for me to face mine. Maybe you should consider doing the same thing...with Leah."

Goodbye,

B

My heart sank, how the fuck did she know about Leah?