A/N I'm having a crappy day so I decided to improve it by posting this a bit early. I hope you enjoy!
The Hellmoutake
"I don't see why the fuck they have to come here," I hissed, watching Bella putter around like a busy fucking bee, straightening the living room that was already fucking immaculate.
"Maybe because we haven't gone there?" she replied calmly, fluffing a fucking pillow like Martha Fucking Stewart. I huffed in annoyance and she just fucking ignored my ass like she'd been doing ever since the fucking phone call informing her of their impending visit had come in.
"But why do we have to see them at all?" It didn't make any fucking sense. They were just dropping by for a visit? My ass. They were dropping by to ogle my girl, and, with my fucking luck, me too. I just knew that fucking Alec wasn't going to let the chance to see my gorgeous self again pass him by.
"Demetri said he's been telling his boss all about us, Willow, and Buffy and he's curious about us." Of course he fucking was. The leader of the fucking Volturi wanted to find out what the fuck was wrong with Bella and probably study both of us like fucking lab rats. Well, he wasn't fucking studying me. "He says that he wants to watch Buffy with me, since I'm an expert." She said this like it was something to be fucking proud of. My girl, the Buffy expert. Try as I might, I could not convince her that it was a ridiculous fucking show that made no sense and was a huge fucking insult to our kind.
"Baby, do you really think that the Volturi are just coming here to watch your fucking vampire DVDs and pet your fucking cows? They're probably coming to destroy us." Or more likely, destroy me and take her back to Italy. Maybe it was a good fucking thing Alec was so attached to me. Or not…which was worse? Being dead and having Bella be some Volturi fuck toy or being alive and being Alec's? Fuck, this was not cool.
She stopped her puttering and glared at me. Edward Junior immediately stood at attention. He was like a fucking trained dog. "First of all, Demetri is our friend." I sneered at that and she tossed what appeared to be an ashtray at my head. What the fuck did we have an ashtray for? I let it fly past me and smash against the wall, because we did not fucking need an ashtray. Humans were not going to be loitering in my fucking house filling it with fucking smoke.
"Second of all, they are not fucking cows." The last two words ended in a scream of frustration and the heat of her glare had Edward Junior doing his dance and singing his theme song. Fuck, she was hot. Poke at the angry bear or not? Poke, of course.
"Well, they're not fucking anymore after you castrated Xander." I had not had one hand in that shit, nor in the births of any of the other fucking babies loitering around our pasture. I was one and fucking done. I had to admit, Spike had some style. He was constantly trying to break out of the pasture and he was already sniffing around his stupid half-siblings, not that he'd be able to fuck them anytime soon. He was scheduled for his own castration sometime in the near future. Edward Junior would be the only functioning cock around these parts, as he fucking should be.
"Why are you being such a prick about this? They're stopping in for a few hours and then they'll be on their way back to Italy."
"Why do you believe a word they say? He fucking wants you, Bella. You saw it when he was here. I fucking hear it when he's around you. They're probably going to try to kill me and then take you away."
Bella strode across the room and took my face in her hands. "Nobody will ever take me away from you. I love you and I belong with you. I don't know why you insist upon seeing every male in the world as an enemy. Demetri knows how I feel about you and even if he did kill you, I'd never go with him. I'd die, too." She punctuated this statement with a searing kiss that made me forget all about fucking asshole Greeks. I grabbed her ass and pushed her back toward the couch, falling down and flattening her freshly fucking fluffed pillows. I didn't feel remotely bad about that either.
She moaned beneath me and I reached between us to flick open the button of her jeans. It had been nearly a day since I'd had her last, since she'd been in a fucking tizzy over their visit ever since the call came in.
Do they really live here? Is this a farm? Why would vampires willingly live on a farm? They must be as strange as Demetri said they were.
Fucking cockblocking Volturi assholes. I growled and refastened Bella's jeans. She looked at me in confusion for a moment but then her face cleared. "They're here?"
I get to see her again, at last. It's been far too long. Fucking Demetri, still lusting after my wife.
"Yes," I growled, not bothering to hide my fucking frustration. Why the fuck we couldn't just be left alone with her stupid cows and nobody else was beyond me. But no, I had a fucking father-in-law that I had to go see every couple of months, a horny veterinarian that lived to ogle my wife, fucking Jenks, and now we apparently had a happy little band of fucking vampire friends, who may or may not want to kill me. Not to mention the fact that we were going to be going to school together in a couple months. More fucking humans to deal with, and apparently not kill. Bella had already laid down the fucking law about feeding on our fellow students. We'd just see about that shit.
I sat back and Bella practically skipped her fucking way over to the front door, smiling happily. She didn't give a damn that she'd just been deprived of Edward Junior. What the fuck was wrong with her? I was ready to weep over the loss of her beautiful pussy. If I fucking died without being inside her one more time, there would be hell to pay in whatever afterlife I fucking encountered. God or the devil, it didn't fucking matter. I'd be kicking someone's fucking ass.
I stood up and followed behind her. I wasn't about to risk those fuckers grabbing her and running, not that they could possibly outrun me but still. Bella wasn't going to be let out of my fucking sight until they were on their way back to Italy. I grabbed the gloves I'd stashed on the front table and pulled them on. I knew about Aro's gift through Demetri and fuck if he was going to be touching me and making my memories his own. I had a theory about Bella so I didn't offer her the gloves. If he could read her, we were fucked, but if I couldn't, then I was pretty sure that old fucker couldn't.
"Hi!" she called, waving and moving toward the end of the drive. I heaved a sigh and walked along beside her, slipping my arm around her waist and pulling her into my side. Yeah, I knew it was possessive as fuck but I didn't give a damn. She was mine and those fucking bastards needed to know and accept it.
They came around the bend and mother of fuck, Alec was with them. His eyes were right on me, as if he knew where I'd be standing when he came into view. It was fucking freaky as hell, the way he ran his eyes over me hungrily. Jesus Christ, Bella damn well better ride me for at least 24 hours to make up for this bullshit.
Between Alec and Demetri was the big boss, Aro, with long, stringy black hair and an almost translucent skin. If I fucking looked like that when I was three thousand years old I'd toss myself into a fucking fire, no doubt about it. He wore some ridiculous fucking black cloak, and actually so did the other two. I started to sneer at the fashion choice but caught myself just in time. No point in pissing them off from the start.
His blood red eyes took us in as they came to a stop right in front of us. I kept one eye on him and the other on Demetri, doing my best to pretend Alec wasn't mentally undressing me and running his hands over my naked body. Bella now owed me 48 hours of fucking though.
"Hello," Bella was practically vibrating under my hand she was so fucking excited. "I'm Bella and this is Edward. Welcome to our home." She addressed Aro, I guess because he was the big fucking cheese or whatever.
"Hello, Mrs. Cullen. It is a delight to meet you." His voice, when he spoke, was gravely and soft. I swear to fuck it looked like the wind could blow him away if there was a particularly strong gust. Aro held out his hand and Bella took it. His face went blank and I fought back a grin.
Nothing. Not one thing from her. Demetri said she was a conundrum but I never dreamed that I would be unable to read her. This is quite strange. I guess I'll have to get everything from him. What is going on with her eyes? Why are they golden?
He released Bella's hand and held his out to mine. I kept my glove on and shook his hand, while his eyes flared with what could have only been anger. Too bad, fucker. "Sorry, I'm afraid that I need to go examine one of the cows. We value hygiene around here." Bella gaped at me but wisely didn't say anything to cover my ridiculous fucking lie.
A perfectly plausible excuse, I suppose. But more likely that he's hiding something from me. He must know of my gift. I will watch this one, closely.
"Edward, how are you?" Demetri clapped me on the shoulder before practically shoving me aside so he could wrap his arms around Bella. Motherfucker. She returned his hug, which lingered way fucking longer than it needed to. I bit back the growl and quickly whirled to face Alec, who had snuck up behind me and was thinking about pressing up against me from behind.
"Hey, Alec. It's lovely of you to visit me and my wife." Emphasis on the word, so you can try to get it through your thick skull that you will never be fucking me.
Wife. Foolish boy. You don't know what you're missing, dearest Edward. But I will be more than happy to show you. Just one kiss and I could make you mine forever.
Fucking hell. I couldn't turn my back on the gay bastard or his dick might be in my ass before I could even react, yet I needed to get Demetri the fuck off my wife and make sure the ancient fucker didn't touch me and find out about my gift. Why in God's name had she ever thought this was a good idea?
"Where's Felix?" Bella asked. Oh yeah, that's all I needed, the giant asshole on top of the other three.
"He's returning to Italy with the new friend we acquired." I got a vision of a female vampire that could move objects with her mind. That would be rather fucking cool. "He sends his regards, though, and is very sorry he couldn't lay eyes on your lovely form again." Demetri's voice was smooth as fucking butter. I wanted to rip his fucking throat out.
Bella laughed and untangled herself from his grasp, which was a very good fucking thing as ripping off his arms might be viewed as bad hosting form. Not that I really gave a fuck.
Alec stepped so close that he was right up in my personal space and I really was going to have to flatten his ass but Bella stepped between us and gave him a bright smile. "It's nice to see you again, Alec."
She was my angel. I wrapped my arms around her waist and she leaned back against me as she continued to grin at him. "You too," he muttered. Peasant. Look at you, in jeans and a t-shirt. What does he possibly see in you, beyond the disgusting woman parts? I have so much more to offer. He will see how much better for him I am than she is.
I shuddered and Bella put her hands on the sides of my legs and squeezed gently. She knew what I was going through and she offered me sympathy the only way she could, right now. Later she could offer me the best kind, which involved my cock and her pussy and a whole lot of fucking.
"Why don't we all go inside while Edward tends to the cow?" Bella suggested, taking my lie and rolling with it like the incredible fucking woman that she was.
"Actually, I'm quite interested in what goes on in this place." There was a hint of distaste in Aro's voice as he glanced around our property. "I should like to see these pets of yours." I'm calling your bluff, if you're making one, young man.
Fucking hell. Bella tugged free from my grip and led the way into the barn. "Most of the cows just had babies within the last two months," she told the Volturi, as if they really gave a damn. Of course, Demetri appeared to be hanging on her every word, but he was nearly as pussy whipped for her as I was. It was sadder for him because he wasn't ever going to get any though.
How can a creature so incredible live in this, this cow pasture? Alec was beyond horrified. Good. Maybe he'd be turned off by my chosen lifestyle, just like I'd been before we actually got here. I was kind of glad I was going to be pretending to examine one of the cows.
"The bull calves are nearly ready to be castrated." Every single one of the vampires, accepting me because I'd long ago accepted the concept, hissed at her words. I snorted and walked toward Willow's stall, which she still shared with Spike. "Edward will be examining Spike's balls, to see how he's doing. I'm considering one of the bloodless methods, wherein you cut off the blood supply and uh, they fall off."
I wanted to laugh at the expressions on their faces, but I was still stuck on the words "Edward will be examining Spike's balls." Bella grinned impishly at me, knowing exactly what she'd done. I couldn't fucking argue with Aro there, waiting for me to inspect a cow. She'd fucking pay for this later.
"Seventy-two hours of fucking," I mouthed to her. She giggled and gave me a quick nod, her eyes shining with mischief. I was glad one of us was fucking amused.
"You're really going to touch him, there?" Aro asked, watching me closely. He wanted to see if I'd back out so he could then touch me. Not very fucking likely, old man.
I've got some balls for him to handle. Just fucking kill me now. Seriously, if these fuckers were here to kill me, and they let me go through with examining Spike's fucking balls first, I was going to take them with me. Maybe I couldn't get all three, but so help me, the old man would fucking die. And Alec, too, so he couldn't have any more visions of me handling his fucking balls. Like I could fucking leave Demetri behind though, to go after my woman. All three would need to die. I could do it, as long as Bella helped.
I hopped over the fence into the stall, and eyed Spike. He and I were actually on fairly decent terms, maybe because I was the one who brought him into the world while his fucking mother lay around like the lazy ass that she was. He shifted a little when I got to his side but he didn't try to run or anything, which I took as a good fucking sign.
"So, baby, what exactly is it that I need to do?" I shot a smile at Aro, trying to appear unaffected by the horror that she was inflicting upon me. "Bella's the cow expert; I'm just the one he gets stuck with most of the dirty work." The fucking disgusting dirty work.
"Just reach back there and touch them, see if they feel tender or infected at all."
Better him than me. Bella is the most beautiful vampire I've ever encountered but clearly he loves her more than I ever could. Damn fucking right, Demetri. Nobody could ever love her as much as I did.
With that thought, I gripped Spike's hips. He snorted and bucked but of course he couldn't remotely move me. I reached between his legs and squeezed his fucking balls, moving so quickly that I don't think he even knew what the fuck I did before I released him.
"Not swollen. Everything's just fine," I told Bella, who was shaking as she did her best to hold in her laughter. I hopped back over the fence and grinned at the gaping vampires. "Shall we go inside?" Like I fucking came in to the barn and felt up a fucking bull every day. I was such a smooth motherfucker, really. Spike finally let out a bellow of rage, but I was already out of the stall so he didn't have anybody to take his rage out upon. His mother, as usual, was completely unconcerned by everything that went on around her. She was such a weird fucking animal.
"One second, Edward," Bella replied. She made some sort of ridiculous kissy face and damned if Willow didn't saunter over to poke her head over the side of the fence. Bella patted her and grinned at Demetri. "This is Willow. Willow, this is Demetri, Alec and Aro. They came by to say hello."
She is very strange, this golden eyed vampire. I don't know what to make of her. Or of him, other than he's clearly besotted with her. Perhaps living here has made him daft. I couldn't respond to the insult in Aro's feeble fucking mind, but I damn well wanted to. I wasn't daft, I was avoiding letting the old man touch me. I was fucking brilliant and if he had any more negative thoughts about me, I might just shove one of Spike's balls down his fucking throat.
Demetri, being the asshole that he was, was petting Willow with a smile on his face. I raised a brow at him and he shrugged. I suppose dealing with these creatures wouldn't be so bad, so long as I had Bella at my side while I was doing it. I glared at him and he grinned and gave Willow one final pat.
"She's certainly very sweet and docile, isn't she?" Bella beamed at him like he'd just complimented her first born, which in a way he just had. Alec threw back his head and let out a little sniff that was clearly meant to show that he was above all this mess. Uptight motherfucker.
Aro lifted one of his decrepit fucking hands and patted her on the head lightly. "She doesn't run," he murmured, looking at her strangely. How can this creature not fear us? Any I've encountered has run away instantly upon catching my scent.
"No, she doesn't," Bella responded, cooing at her crazy fucking pet. "She knows she has nothing to fear from us."
Aro studied Bella with interest. "But how could she possibly know that? She is just an animal. They are lower beings. You eat animals, for some strange reason, yes? And I could snap her neck with one move if I wanted to."
Bella's eyes narrowed and a deep growl sounded in the back of her throat. I wrapped my arms around her and tried to get her to relax, but of course, he'd said exactly the wrong fucking thing to her and there was no turning back now.
She pointed her finger at him. "Willow is very smart. She's got finely honed instincts and she knows I love her. And she knows damn well that I would never let anything happen to her. If anyone ever hurt her, they would have to deal with me, and I'm sure your two cronies could tell you that I'm not exactly a pushover. Do you know what I mean?" The threat was clear as day in her tone; her glare could have melted a human.
Jesus fucking Christ, my girl was facing down the leader of the Volturi. Edward Junior immediately responded to the heat in her tone and was more than ready to have at her, regardless of our fucking company. As if they were ever going to be allowed to see my wife naked. Not going to happen, horny motherfucker. You just back the fuck off.
Aro patted Willow one more time before holding up his hands in a sign of peace. Now I see what Demetri was talking about. She is magnificent in her anger. No wonder her man is so willing to do anything she says.
Fuck you, Aro. You don't know shit about us, and what I will and won't do for my girl.
"I was just theorizing, Dear Isabella. I would never think of hurting your pet." I wouldn't mind angering you in some other way though. I think I would find it very stimulating.
Fucking perverted old vampire. Of course he fucking wanted her. I growled softly and his ruby eyes focused on me. He smiled at me. "I can see why you are so quick to do your wife's bidding. She is quick to anger."
Bella huffed and I hurried and responded before she could. "I love her when she's angry." I kissed her cheek and her stance relaxed a little bit under my touch. "I often push her buttons just to set her off, because the sex is fucking spectacular." Take that, you ancient prick. Bella hissed and elbowed me in the gut while I laughed. "See? If you weren't here I'd push her against the wall and…"
"Why don't we go inside," Bella interrupted, glaring at me. "I believe you wanted to watch Buffy?"
Such heat between these two. I remember when Sulpicia and I were so volatile. His mind filled with a bunch of violent sex scenes that I really didn't want to fucking see. His wife was a hag and he certainly wasn't anything in the looks department, at least not compared to me.
Aro held out his arm to Bella like some old time movie fucker and she smiled a little and looped her arm through his. He was trying to charm her now and of course it was fucking working. I fell into step on her other side and Alec and Demetri followed behind us, with Alec staring at my ass. I should have worn some loose fucking clothing instead of my jeans, clearly.
"So tell me, my dear, have you always been fascinated by vampires?" Aro's voice was smooth and he was very happy about being away from the cows.
Bella giggled. "I guess I was. I was pretty young when Buffy came out but I watched it in syndication as soon as I got in my teens. It's always been my favorite show."
"What kind of name is Buffy?" Aro asked. I smirked when Bella's smile became a frown.
"Well, I don't know, it was originally a movie and that was her name, so that's what they went with. I like it. All of my cows have names from the show, and a couple of others since we have so many cows."
Her voice was a little frosty and of course Aro noticed. "I apologize, my dear, it's just not a name I've ever heard before."
Bella brightened as we walked into the house, me falling behind now since they were still attached to one another. "It's original. All the names are, really. I think the closest to normal are Tara, Faith and Dawn. Willow, Xander, Giles, Angel, Spike, Anya, Cordelia, Oz; they're all really original and cool."
How odd. She seems quite excited about the whole thing. I'll humor her. "And all your cows bear those names?"
Bella wrinkled her nose as she disentangled her arm from Aro's and walked over to the blue ray player, turning it and the gigantic ass TV on. "Well, except for Cordelia. I wouldn't name one of my babies after her."
Aro glanced at me and I smirked as I threw myself down in the recliner. Still not gonna touch me old man. I took my gloves off and his eyes went to my hands. Nope, decrepit fucker, you don't get touch.
"Bella doesn't like Cordelia, mainly because I find her hot." Bella hissed and I tugged her into my lap before she could go sit on the couch. Let those assholes all sit together. I was holding my girl. She frowned at me and I gave her my best smile. Her lips twitched and she fought not to smile back at me.
"I see," Aro replied, looking around the room. It's not nearly as bad in here as it is on the outside. I prefer my stone and marble to wood but at least it shines and looks somewhat inhabitable.
Pretentious fucker. "Please, have a seat." I gestured at the sofa and Aro sank down on the end closest to us. Stupid prick still thought he could possibly get his hands on me. Alec had a better fucking chance than he did. Demetri sat in the armchair across from us, so he could keep an eye on Bella, of course, and Alec sat at the other end of the couch.
I bet he's been naked in this very spot. Holy obsessive motherfucker. I mean, I had, but Jesus Christ. We were throwing out the fucking couch as soon as they left. I really hoped he didn't rub one out while he sat there imagining me naked in that fucking spot. I'd be forced to fucking kill him, which might not go over too well with the big bossman.
"Demetri tells me that you feel we should be watching these programs in order to know what humans think of us," Aro addressed Bella.
She nodded emphatically. "Yes! I think that knowing how humans perceive vampires should make it easier to maintain anonymity." Listen to my fucking girl, sounding all professional and shit. I beamed and kissed her neck, smirking as Demetri frowned at my gesture of affection.
"The Volturi exist to see to it that our kind are shielded from humanity," Aro replied, sounding so fucking proud of himself. I wanted to smack the snotty look off his face but he was so frail that I'd probably send his fucking head flying.
"Yes, you do, which is why I think you should know what humans picture vampires to be like," Bella replied. "There are humans in the world that do believe, or at least they want to. By avoiding the stereotypes of the modern TV vampire, you'll continue to remain unknown." Bella smiled at him and Aro smiled in return, because it was impossible not to fucking smile at my girl when she smiled at you.
She makes some sense, I suppose. It wouldn't hurt to see what the world thinks of the vampire. "I shall be happy to watch with you, Dearest Isabella."
What was this Isabella bullshit? I tensed and Bella stroked my left knee to keep me from doing or saying anything stupid. My girl knew me well.
"I'm going to show you the first episode. It will explain everything." Bella pressed play and snuggled back against me, leaning her head on my left shoulder. Alec sighed and imagined himself in Bella's place while Demetri wished it was his lap that she was perched on. It was like a fucking soap opera in my fucking living room. This one wants that one wants this one wants that one. Why the fuck couldn't they just leave the two that actually wanted each other the fuck alone?
"What is a hellmouth?" Aro asked, his face scrunched up in distaste at the foreign word.
I snorted. "Watch and find out." And be even more horrified than I was, old man.
Slayer? Do the humans actually think they can destroy us? How cute. Ha, he wasn't pissed yet. We'd see how long that fucking lasted.
"Why would children break into a school?" Demetri wondered aloud. Bella shushed him and he looked properly chastised. That's right, fucker, don't question her precious show. No, wait, actually, go ahead and do it. Make her hate you. That would be fucking fine by me.
Alec was just staring at me instead of looking at the fucking TV. It was creeping me the fuck out. Come away with me. I can give you so much more than she ever could. I was seriously going to become the first vampire in the world that could fucking throw up from emotional trauma. How fucking human of me.
"What is wrong with that girl's face? Wait a minute, she's a vampire?" Aro glared at the screen and then at Bella, which pissed me the fuck off. How dare he blame her for this crappy fucking show's portrayal of vampires?
They think our faces look like that when we eat? It's positively insulting! Who came up with this nonsense? I will end them. Now that was more fucking like it! It was time for the Volturi to deal with the racist propaganda that Hollywood spewed about our kind.
"Yes. It's something they got wrong, obviously. Which is good for us," Bella responded, not taking her eyes from the screen. God forbid she miss a second of her beloved fucking show, even though she'd seen it about a billion fucking times by now.
Demetri sat forward as Buffy thrashed about the bed. This show just got a lot more interesting.
"This child is the slayer?" Aro asked. "Why is she going to school?"
Bella gripped my leg tightly. "Because she has to pretend to be a normal person." He glanced at me and I just shook my head.
"Ahhh, there is your cow's namesake. She's kind of plain, isn't she?" Demetri asked. Oooh, he was taking his life in his fucking hands.
"Willow happens to become a very powerful witch," Bella replied testily. Demetri's face fell a bit at the tone she used on him. Stupid fucker. Only I can get away with questioning her fucking ridiculous taste in TV shows.
"And a lesbian," I supplied helpfully. Demetri laughed when Bella elbowed me.
"That's not important."
"Says you," I replied. She huffed and turned back to the TV.
"She burned down a gym full of vampires? Had she already ripped them apart?" Aro asked.
"No, they don't do that on this show. Sunlight can kill them and they go up in flames. Also, a stake to the heart."
"That's ridiculous. Nobody could pierce our bodies with a piece of wood," Aro replied, beginning to sound huffy in his own right. I laughed at his obvious displeasure. This was turning out to be way more fun than I thought it would be. Who created this atrocity? They must be dealt with swiftly and decisively. But first we'll show them what vampires are really like. It seemed old Joss wasn't long for this world. I tried to hide my glee at the situation.
Are there no handsome men on this show? That boy is not remotely attractive. I wondered what would happen when Alec got a load of Angel. Clearly Xander didn't do it for him.
"That's Cordelia," I pointed out helpfully as she shared her book with Buffy. Demetri perked up a little at the sight of her. She's nearly as stunning as Bella is. Wisely he didn't voice that fucking thought.
"She's kind of rude, isn't she?" Demetri asked. Bella bestowed him with a wide smile and he lit right up under her approval. Fucking kiss ass.
"He knows what she is?" Aro asked, when Giles slammed down the fucking Vampyre book in front of him.
"He's her watcher," Bella told him. I waited for Aro to ask more but surprisingly he didn't. How long is this program? How much more of it do I have to endure? How could such a fascinating girl find this to be good entertainment?
I'd asked myself that a billion times but still had no answer. Still, it was part of who my girl was and he better not fucking insult her taste. She had, after all, chosen me. Clearly she wasn't that flawed.
"That vampire disposed of a body on campus? Why would she be so stupid? She would surely be destroyed by their governing society."
"They really don't have one," I told Aro. There's a few, as they call them, big bads, but there isn't a Volturi that cares about exposure. The vampires all pretty much do whatever the fuck they want."
"How foolish." Other vampires must not see this program. There could be a rebellion.
It took quite a bit of self control not to react to that foolishness.
"She's not very good at hiding her identity, is she?" Demetri asked.
"Well, it's who she is," Bella replied, actually looking at him, which made him sit up and smile brightly. "She hears about a murder and she knows that it's probably a vampire and she has to investigate."
"Vampires have blood?" Aro demanded. "How is that remotely possible?"
I shrugged. "Blood, venom, it's not that different a process. We suck their blood and give them our venom instead of blood. They actually nail that portion of things."
Aro grumbled something about historical inaccuracies under his breath. "This man is her boss?"
"Giles is her watcher; he trains her and helps her with the lore. She's the one that does most of the fighting though."
"So he…watches?" Alec supplied sarcastically. This fellow does have a yummy accent. And he's not that bad on the eyes, for an old guy.
"Buffy is very lonely," Demetri cut in.
Bella gave him another sunny smile. This was fucking irritating. "She is. Only Giles knows what she is and she has a hard time keeping friends, well, until now that is." Maybe that's the way to her heart. I can pretend to like her silly show. It's not so bad, really. Scheming prick, not even pretending to like this crap would sway Bella's heart from me.
"These vampires live in a sewer?" Aro asked, horrified. I started laughing so hard that Bella nearly fell off my lap. I thought about pointing out that the Volturi apparently had a lot of underground tunnels and whatnot but figured it might not go over so well.
She paused the show and turned to glare at both of us. "They're bringing the first vampire back from the dead." Aro opened his mouth and I shook my head quickly. Don't even fucking ask, old man. "He's cursed to live down there until the harvest moon, only then can they break the spell and release him."
"I see," Aro replied. Bella turned back to the show and he nodded at me to let me know he'd received my fucking message. I didn't really mind if he pissed her off, as long as she behaved while they were here and I reaped the fucking benefits after they left.
"Who is that?" Alec asked abruptly. Of fucking course. There was Angel.
"That's Angel," Bella replied, in that annoying, dreamy fucking tone that she reserved for him.
Hmmm, well hello, Angel. You're not quite as hot as my beautiful Edward but you would certainly do for a little fun.
"He is a vampire who hates his own kind?" Aro asked, anger in his tone.
"Angel is a vampire with a soul," Bella replied. Again, Aro wanted to say something and again, I shook my head, grateful that she wasn't looking at me.
Angel is a traitor of his kind. Were he real, I would be forced to end him. And what kind of name for a vampire is Angel? Are they that obvious? Where's the mystery?
"She finds him attractive?" Demetri asked.
"Oh yes. They fall in love," Bella replied, in that tone again.
"A vampire and a human, a human that is supposed to slay vampires?" Demetri shook his head. "Well, I guess I see where the conflict comes in."
"Yes, it's quite tragic and heartbreaking," Bella sighed, leaning back against me. I linked my fingers with hers in silent comfort. She always got so fucking maudlin when it came to Angel and Buffy's doomed romance.
"Why doesn't he just change her? Isn't that what Edward did to you?" Aro demanded. If he loves her, he should make her his forever. Why leave her human?
"Because she doesn't want to be changed, nor does he want to change her. He loves her and wants what's best for her."
That makes absolutely no sense. See, want, take; that's what vampires do. That's what they always should do.
That's what I had fucking done. I kissed Bella's neck and she sighed. "And yes, he did change me, without my consent. Had he actually asked, I probably would have said yes."
"Eventually," I responded. "But it was more fun to change you then and deal with the fallout." I kissed behind her ear. "You enjoyed it too, baby. Our version of foreplay."
Alec gagged. "When is this Angel going to return?" he asked testily. If Edward must continue to lavish attention on his ridiculous female, at least I should be able to enjoy the pretty TV vampire. I should get something out of this unfortunate visit. Aro won't let me just take Edward, though I don't understand why.
That was good to hear. I was apparently off limits to gay boy. One fucking worry down, a billion others to deal with.
"What is that thing?"
"That's The First," Bella told him.
"Why is he so hideous looking? And why is his face different from all the others?" I actually thought Aro rather resembled The First but I wasn't about to fucking say so.
"Well, he's been underground for thousands of years. I guess that takes its toll."
I don't even know what to say to that. It's ludicrous.
"Are they in a graveyard?" Of course they are. Where else would vampires hang out? Other than at clubs apparently. I really must show this to Caius. He will get quite irate. Aro seemed to love the idea of angering his brother.
"She's quite sarcastic, isn't she?" It's very crass.
"Yes, that's Buffy." Bella sounded almost proud of this fact. But of course she fucking was.
The vampires watched silently through a confrontation with several vampires. The episode ended with Buffy in a grave and a vampire about to bite her. "Is that all? What happens? Surely she lives." Why do I even care? The show is juvenile. But I still must know.
Bella hopped up from my lap and danced over to the DVD storage unit, wherein she grabbed something and brought it over to Aro. "I got you all seven seasons on disk, so you can watch. I even got the version that should be compatible with whatever you use in Italy."
He took the disks, staring at her intently. "You got me a gift?"
Bella smiled. "Well, I hoped you might like it and want to see more. If you don't, I can take it back."
Nobody ever gives me things, unless they want something from me. "What is it you would like in return?"
Bella plopped back down on my lap with a laugh. "Nothing. Just for you to watch and hopefully to enjoy them. Edward puts up a good front, but he doesn't hate the show nearly as much as he did at first." That was a fucking lie, but I wasn't going to contradict her.
What a strange little creature she is. In all my years, I've never encountered anything quite like her. Damn right she was original and she was all mine. I tensed a little, afraid that he was going to try to take her back to Volterra with him.
Aro stood and Bella did as well. I stood right behind her as he held out both his hands to her. She took them in hers and he brought the left one to his lips. "You are a delightful woman, Dearest Isabella. I thank you for sharing your home and your program with us. It's been enlightening." Strange, somewhat confusing, but also very interesting. I should like to see more of her.
"It was good to meet you," Bella replied. I remained tight lipped on that front, because I didn't fucking agree with that statement.
"And you, my dear. I hope that one day you'll let me return the favor and come to Volterra. I should be delighted to see your reaction to how our kind live. I promise, we put the vampire's quarters in your show to shame."
Bella laughed, thankfully. "I would like that."
Aro turned his gaze to me. "Edward, thank you for having us." I shall let him have his secrets, for now.
I smiled at him. "You're welcome. Be sure to let us know what you think of the show."
Aro looked down at the disks that Demetri now held. "I will. I think it'll be illuminating to share it with my brothers."
Bella grinned and hugged him, which surprised the ancient vampire but he patted her back gently. "There, there, dear. We shall see you again soon." I hoped the fuck not. She is very kind. I've never met another vampire like her. I will see to it that she visits.
Demetri got a hug and looked like he was about to pass out from the sheer pleasure of touching her. I glared at him but he released her and clapped me on the back. "It was good to see you again, Edward. You keep treating her right, or one of these days she'll leave you for me."
"Not fucking likely," I replied. He laughed and walked with Aro toward the front door.
Alec approached me then and I tensed. "Do come see us, Edward. I have much to show you." I got mental images of him showing me his bedroom and his fucking cock and I did my best not to react.
"We'll definitely drop in sometime," I replied, pulling Bella into my arms.
"Farewell, my friends. You are welcome in Volterra anytime." Aro held his Buffy disks to his chest like some kind of prized possession. It was funny as fuck. He didn't like the show but the fact that Bella had given him something without wanting anything back made him kind of like it. I had a feeling he'd grow to love the stupid show, if only for her. I knew that fucking feeling all too well.
"Bye, Aro!" Bella ushered them out and then turned to face me, a smile on her face.
"That went well," she told me.
"Shockingly well, except for the whole thing where you made me touch Spike's fucking balls."
She giggled and her eyes glowed with happiness. "That's what you get for using my cows in your lies."
"Well, you know what you get for lying?" I asked, starting to move slowly toward her. She backed away, giggling.
"Seventy two hours?" she asked.
"Starting now." She darted up the stairs and I followed quickly after her. I wasn't about to waste one fucking second of my three days of sex. Maybe those Volturi fucks should visit more often.
A/N I long ago had an image of the Volturi getting exposed to Buffy, though I thought I'd set it in Volterra with just those vamps. I would have missed Smugs too much, though, so I had to do it his way. I hope you had a good time with it. Aro's totally watching all seven seasons. He's under Bella's spell.
More outtakes to come, though I'm not sure when yet. This story is nominated for two Twinkling Walk of Fame Awards, Scallywag and Empress Coven I believe. Would love your votes, or for you just to go vote for your favorites. Thanks for reading yet another crazy outtake. I'm having fun with them, clearly!