Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Please note that the story idea behind this fiction is entirely that of the authors. Use of any portion of this fiction, without the authors' prior approval is strictly prohibited.

A/N Thank you once again to my incredibly talented beta SparklingWand, without you this chapter would still be just a thought. She also has a new story "The night the lights went out in Georgia" if you haven't read it yet do it now it is amazing!

Thank you Jackie and Melarimo, for always working your magic and making my writing worth reading!

~x~

'A Different Kind of Pain'

I sit here alone in the dark lost in my thoughts, of past memories of you.

The walks we shared, the talks we had, the smell of your skin as we kissed.

I sit here imagining each moment and longing for them again.

Here in this place where we once confessed our love, tears streaming down my face.

Lost and thinking of you and what could have been.

I shouldn't have held back, I should have given you my all,

given another chance, I would change it all.

I whisper a prayer for redemption, when suddenly you appear, from out of no where.

Making all my dreams come true, saving my soul from damnation.

From a life without you.

by: SparklingWand

~x~

Chapter 12 (A Different Kind Of Pain)

~Edward~

I sat here on the edge of the bed running my fingers through my hair trying to pull myself together as I listened to my cell phone ring for the billionth time. I knew who it was without even looking at it. Jasper and Alice had been trying to reach me every since the other morning when I ran from Bella's house like a scared little child.

I'd come straight here, after a stop at the local liquor store of course, to this old cabin that held so many memories of my sweet Bella and our last night we'd spent together. I've spent the last three days here in a drunken stupor going over and over again, everything that I could have done differently in my life especially where she was concerned. Maybe if I'd given into her that last night we were here and taken her as my own the way we both so clearly wanted, everything would be different.

I remember that night as though it were yesterday, the way she felt laying there in my arms, her soft breath against my lips as I kissed her. Hell, I'd spent the last twelve years with that memory keeping me going every step of the way. It took everything I had that night not to give into her pleas. I wanted her more than I could ever show her, but as usual I was afraid. Afraid that if I took her virginity without her really knowing the person she was giving it to, it would forever ruin her when she did finally find out the monster she had given such a precious gift to.

If I were a smart guy, or had any sense emotionally of what either one of us needed back then, I would have been able to look deep in her heart and know that she loved me enough to know the real me. I would have known that she would have accepted me regardless of the terrible things that I had done, and maybe even loved me more for having trusted her enough to share that part of my life with her.

I shook my head and stood up, forcing my thoughts to clear. No, she could never accept what I've done or who I am because I can't even accept it. "

Fuck!" I screamed, slamming my fist into the bathroom door.

How would she ever feel safe with a man that killed his own father? How could she ever accept that, when my own mother whom I was protecting couldn't understand it? She saw the monster in her son, and Bella would too if she knew the truth.

I stood against the bathroom door, desperately trying to steady my nerves. I needed a shower, I fucking stunk and I had a shift at the hospital in an hour. I knew Jasper would be there too, and I would have to work hard to avoid any kind of confrontation with him right now. I just couldn't handle it, especially knowing that I would have to face Bella tonight at this damn birthday party that Alice had planned.

I stumbled into the bathroom to take my shower. My head was pounding, and I was still hung over from all the drinking I'd done over the last few days. As I removed my clothes and stepped in the hot stream of water, I once again heard my cell ringing in the bedroom and knew the odds of me avoiding my brother today were slim to none. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that maybe I shouldn't be avoiding him.

Maybe it was time for me to admit that I really needed someone's help to get me through this shit. I didn't want to lose Bella again, and I sure as hell didn't want to cause her any more pain than I already had. I was so confused over what the right thing for me to do was. Should I unload all my baggage on her and hope against hopes that she won't see me for the murderer that I am, or run as far from her as possible and give her a chance at a normal life. Yeah, there was no doubt; I definitely needed my brother more than I had ever needed him before.

After getting dressed and downing several aspirins to try and knock this fucking headache away, I had finally managed to make it to the hospital. I had no sooner made it through the fucking doors, and there Jasper was staring at me with his arms crossed and a fucking look that could kill on his face. Yeah, I think it was safe to say he was pissed at me.

"Hey, bro, what's up?" I asked him apprehensively, as he looked like he might try and beat the shit out of me at any moment.

He suddenly lunged at me grabbing my shirt collar and pushing me backwards against the wall. "Jesus Christ, E, where the fuck have you been? You obviously don't know how to answer your Goddamn phone. Do you have any fucking idea how worried I've been about you? How worried Alice has been? Do you give a shit at all about what you've done to everyone over the last few days, including Bella?"

I grabbed his hands and pushed him backwards hard.

"Dude, back the fuck off. I'm sorry! I needed to be alone for awhile to think...you of all people should fucking understand that! Can we please take this conversation somewhere more private?" I pleaded, having noticed that every eye in the room was on us.

"Yeah, let's go!" he said angrily, as he turned to make his way down the hall. I just stood there for a minute trying to get myself under control. He looked back at me when he realized I wasn't following him. "You comin?" he asked, pointing towards his office.

I pushed myself off the wall and followed him into his office, and slammed the door behind me. "What the hell was that all about, Jasper? Was all that really necessary? Does every fucking person in this hospital really need to know my business? Maybe you don't understand what the fuck I've been going through the last couple of days, and I know that I am partly to blame for that; but damn, Jazz, none of this is easy for me. Deciding whether or not to let the love of my fucking life go, happens to be the hardest Goddamn decision I've ever had to make."

"Let her go? Are you crazy? You just got her back. Why the hell would you let her go again, Edward? Please tell me you're not actually considering that."

"I'm only trying to do what is best for her. I've fucked up so much with her. For once I just want to do what is right, and if that means walking away from her for good, so that she can find some kind of happiness in her life, than that's what I will do. I love her, Jazz, more than anything and I've caused her so much pain… I'm so damn scared that me telling her the truth about my past, about our past, is just going to cause her more pain. She is going to see what a fucking monster I am, and she is going to run Jasper, I just know it."

He walked over towards me and grabbed my arm, and looked me right in the eye, "Edward, listen to me. This goes beyond just you, bro. This is about her too. She has been in love with you all this time. That says something. Fate doesn't just fuck up. This is meant to be. The sooner you realize this, and accept this, the better off both of you will be. The more you run, the more you avoid facing this, the more hurt you cause the both of you. You say you love her. You say you want to set her free, but Edward, she doesn't want to be set free. She had that opportunity twelve years ago, and yet here she is, still waiting for you to open up to her, to love her the way you were meant to."

My brother's words hit me square in the heart. I could feel every heartbeat thump against my chest, almost as if it were beating her name. Jasper was right. She did run, she did have the opportunity to be free of me, and yet here she was still waiting for me.

But could I really deserve her love, a love so pure, so beautiful? How could I, someone who fucks over everyone and everything I love, deserve her?

"I know it's hard, bro. I, of all people, know this. I sat back and watched as my own brother married the only woman I have ever loved, knowing he would never love her the way I did. I kept my mouth shut all these years because I figured that Alice deserved something better than me. I was wrong, and so are you. I know what I've done to you is wrong, and for that I'm sorry… but I'm not sorry for taking the opportunity to finally know what it's like to have the woman I was meant to be with in my arms. And I'll be damned if I sit back and watch you make the same fucking mistakes I did."

He released my arm with a slight flick of the wrist. I could see the anger in his eyes, and I was honestly surprised. I hadn't seen Jasper this emotionally involved since we were kids. My big brother was back. Whatever happened between him and Alice was what he needed to finally get past all of the bullshit that happened. I just wish I could find the peace he had, but somehow I knew I would never find that peace unless I had Bella at my side.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned towards the door, "You're right. She does deserve to know. She has waited all this time for answers, answers that only I can give. I just love her so much, Jazz. It hurts deep inside me." I pounded my chest trying to appease the ache.

"That ache, that hurt goes away and it becomes joy and fulfillment, if you will just give her a chance. Don't make her choices for her. You say you fear her knowing the real you, because you don't want her to run away screaming at the monster you've become? What if she doesn't see a beast inside you, Edward? What if she sees the real person buried deep inside? The same person I see. The one who cared so much for a woman that he shot his own father to protect her, the one who believed that no matter what, that same woman would find it in her heart to forgive him for his actions, the one who has spent every day of his life begging for atonement for a crime he didn't commit, and yet still doesn't see that atonement was offered to him twelve years ago. "

The tears fell down my cheek, and I turned to my brother to see him wiping tears away. "I don't deserve her," I whispered.

"You're right. You don't, but she loves you and that, my brother, doesn't come very often in this life. You never know when the one you love will be taken away from you. Please, if not for her, then for me, talk to her. Tell her the truth, tell her everything. I have very little time left with Alice. I squandered my chance, but fate has given you a chance to fix yours. Don't run from it again."

I don't know why but somehow I ended up in my brother's arms. I could feel every emotion flow out of me as I cried hard on his shoulder. Everything that we had both held in all these years was finally said in our brotherly hug. Jasper was right. I could only heal if I came clean, if I told her every little detail about me and my past. If she ran, then at least I finally gave her the answers she deserved all these years- but if she stayed, I would have the love of my life finally as my own.

I pulled away from him and smiled because for the first time in a long ass time, I felt like I finally had power over my own destiny; and if I played my cards right and didn't fuck up this time, maybe Bella and I would have a chance at a happy life together.

"So you will be at Bella's birthday party tonight, right? Because you know Alice will have your ass if you don't show, and honestly, I can't think of a better gift you could give Bella for her birthday than yourself."

I did have one other gift in mind, something that already belonged to her, something I'd been holding on to since she'd left it laying on my doorstep the night she left Forks twelve years ago. I reached in my pocket and felt the metal slide between my fingers. It was the locket, my mother's locket that I'd given to Bella the night of her last birthday we'd spent together. I promised her that night that when I was ready to open up and share what I'd been through that she'd be the one I shared it with and no one else. Technically, this was one promise that I hadn't broken. I'd never shared my story with Alice. She got all of her information from Carlisle, and not even he knew the full extent of what my brother and I had really went through on that night and the days that followed it.

I wanted to give the locket back to her, make it a symbol of the new beginning I hoped that opening myself up to her would bring for both of us. "Yeah, Jazz, I'll be there, it's her birthday. I wouldn't miss it, not for anything."

"Good, in that case, just so you know, your clothes for tonight are in your office already, thanks to Alice, so make sure you're on time."

"How is she, Jazz?" I asked because despite the fact that she would soon be my ex-wife, she was still my best friend, and I had never felt more out of touch with her than I did right now. Usually, Alice was the first place I would have run when I had trouble with anything, but I realized that her and my brother deserved what little time they may have left without me in the middle of things.

"Well, I won't lie to you, Edward. The last few days have really taken their toll on her. That's part of the reason I was so angry at you over all this. You've caused her a lot of unnecessary stress...stress she really can't handle right now. I tried to talk her into postponing the party, but she refused saying she had to do this for Bella, and you know how she can get when she sets her mind to something. But I'm afraid she is a lot worse off than what she is telling me."

Hearing that nearly broke my heart. I guess once again I was being a selfish prick. I should have considered what my distance would do to Alice and her condition, "How bad is she, Jasper? You should have tried harder, forced her to cancel the party!"

He laughed, "Yeah, like anyone could force her to do something she didn't want to do. She is determined you know, to see you get your life back before anything happens to her. So take my advice, E, give that to her. Let her know that you're going to be okay when she's gone. She needs that, she deserves it! "

I reached up and wiped more tears from my face, with the thought of Alice being gone from my life completely. Losing her to my brother was one thing. At least I knew she was finally getting the happiness that had eluded her all these years-but knowing now that they had each other, and they were going to be separated again just seemed so fucking unfair.

Jasper once again walked over to me and forced me to look at him. "Listen to me, bro, I know it's hard the thought of her leaving us, hell, I just found my salvation in this woman, she is everything to me. I thank God though that I had the courage to finally give her the love that she so desperately deserved, and even if it had only been for one day, I could have lived the rest of my life knowing that for that one day I had complete happiness in my life."

He was right. I had to stop focusing on the fact that we were going to lose her and appreciate what little time we had left with her.

"I'm going to cut my shift short today. Maybe I can spend a little time apologizing to Ali before the party."

"Good, I think she needs that."

"Alright, bro, thanks for everything. I'll see you tonight," I whispered pulling him in one last hug before turning to leave.

Just as I was about to walk out the door, Jazz cleared his throat, "E, I love you little brother, never forget that."

I had to get out of here before he had me in tears once again. I'd done enough crying today to last a lifetime.

"I love you too, man, and no matter what happens with Bella, I'll never forget what you've done for me here today," I said and walked out the door.

My shift went by fast and I now found myself standing here knocking on my own front door. God, would I ever get used to this? I heard Alice's little feet padding down the hall way to the front door, and when she opened it, I nearly lost it.

"Ali, Jesus, you look terrible!"

She looked so sick. I couldn't grasp how much worse she looked just in the three days since I'd last seen her.

She smiled her beautiful smile and then slapped me hard right across my face.

"Thanks a lot, E, and where the fuck have you been?"

"Damn, what was that for?" I cried rubbing my face where she'd slapped me.

"That was for making me worry for the last three days, for you not returning my calls, and for what you have put Bella through again!"

"I'm sorry, I should have called. Can you forgive me?" I said pulling her into a hug. "Ali, you really look tired. Are you sure this party is the best idea?"

"E, forget it. Just save your breath. I'm not cancelling the party, Bella needs this and so do you."

"You need to start worrying about yourself. Stop trying to fix me. I'm not your responsibility. I need to correct my own mistakes, Alice, and I promise you now that I will one way or another."

"Oh, I know you will, because if you don't fix this mess you've created with Bells, I swear to God if it's the last thing I do, E, I'll kill you," she said taking a seat on the couch. I could tell she was really weak and this shit was really starting to scare me.

I sat down beside her on the couch and took her little hand in mine, "Please be honest with me, Ali. How bad is it? You're killing me by not admitting how sick you really are. You just can't ignore this, it's not going to go away," I cried.

"Stop it! Don't you think I already know that?" she pleaded with tears in her eyes. "Please just let me have this one night. I know how sick I am, I don't need you to point that out for me. I just want this one damn night to forget it for awhile. The last few days have been some of the best and worst of my life. I finally have the man I love more than anything by my side, but I've also had to watch my best friend run farther away from what he needs, and that breaks my heart, E."

"Okay," I said, reaching up to wipe her tears away and pulling her into me. I rested my head on top of hers "You're right, I should stop doing that, but you can't expect me to not worry about you, I can't help that. I'll make this right with Bella, I have to, I'm terrified but I know what I have to do now, and I have every intention of doing it, I won't run again."

She looked up at me and smiled, "You have no reason to be scared. She loves you, E, and I know that she'll love you even more when you finally give yourself to her completely."

"I hope you're right, but even if she runs after learning what I've done, at least I'll know that I gave it everything I had. I can live with that."

"She's not running anywhere except right towards you. Can you not see that just as she is to you, you are everything to her? You've always been exactly what she needed. That won't change when you open up to her. It will only make what she feels for you more intense, because you'll be showing her what she has always wanted to know, that you love her enough to take that chance with her. That's all she has ever wanted."

We spent the next few hours just talking, like we used to do before we were ever married. There was no pressure there anymore to be more to each other than what we have always been. Having this time with her, I realized just exactly what Jasper had meant today when he said that he would have been happy even if he only had one day with her…because sitting here not focusing on the fact that she was sick and may not be with me very much longer, and just focusing on her and how much her friendship has meant to me, was something that I would never forget… and if she were gone tomorrow, I would thank God for this moment with her for the rest of my life.

"E, you really need to shower," she finally said. "Did you bring the clothes I picked out for you?"

"Of course I did, sweetheart. I'll go get them and get cleaned up as long as you promise me you'll use this little bit of time to rest before people start arriving."

"Okay, I promise," she groaned.

After I got out of the shower in the guest bedroom, and was getting dressed I realized I already heard voices and music coming from down the hall. When I walked out, it appeared the party was in full swing because there were people everywhere. My stomach was in knots as I scanned the room for her.

"You ready for this?" I heard Jazz ask as he appeared out of nowhere.

"No, but I don't think I ever will be, so I may as well get it over with. "

"Well, go ahead then, E, there she is," he whispered as he pointed across the room where the most beautiful woman in the world now stood. She too appeared to be looking for someone. I watched as Alice made her way over to her, and several other people wished her a happy birthday in passing. My heart was leaping out of my chest at the sight of her. She had on the most amazing blue dress I had ever seen, and her hair was pulled back in a loose bun with little curls dangling down her exposed shoulders. Her milky white skin against the blue of the dress sent feelings through me that I never thought I would feel again. She was a GOD damn Angel...my Angel.

Suddenly she looked in my direction and our eyes met. At that exact moment Nickleback's "Far Away" started playing on the surround sound. The words in the song brought about such an intensity in the air, it was as if the song had been written for Bella and I. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Before I even realized what was happening, I was standing in front of her, and she looked up at me with her big beautiful brown eyes, and they were full of tears.

"Happy birthday, angel."

I reached out pulling her into my arms and kissed her forehead. She wrapped both her arms around me, and I could feel her silently sobbing in my arms.

We stood there in the center of the room and slowly moved to the beat of the song just holding each other. Having her in my arms like this was something I'd been dreaming about for the last twelve fucking years of my life, and I couldn't even begin to describe what it felt like to finally have that dream come true. I knew it was time I couldn't put this off any longer. I reached in my pocket and pulled the locket out, pulled back a little bit and looked into her eyes as I held the locket out and let it dangle down in front of her. I needed her to see what I was trying to say, because I couldn't get the words out in that moment. When she looked at the locket, the expression on her face told me she understood exactly what I wanted her to know.

Tears formed in her eyes and she brought her hand up and covered her mouth, as though she were in shock. She looked at me and my breath caught because her expression suddenly changed from complete happiness to one of absolute pain, she dropped both hands to her side turned, and ran from the room.

I looked towards Alice and Jasper in the corner of the room, and they both silently pleaded with me to go after her. I didn't need their pleas though; there was nothing in this world now that could keep me from her now.

I followed her out to the front lawn, where I found her down on her knees, her head in her hands and sobbing loudly.

"Bella, what is it, what's wrong?" I begged her to tell me, because I honestly didn't know what I had done this time.

"I need to know, E, please tell me you mean it this time, because I can't take it if you bail on me again."

Realization at her words hit me like a brick. I dropped to my knees in front of her. I needed her to know I would never run from her again.

"Bella, please listen to me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm here and I'll never run from you again. I've made that mistake one too many times. I regret having ever run away from the one person I should have been running too." I took her face in my hands and forced her to look into my tear filled eyes, "Bella, I love you. I've loved you every since the very first moment I laid eyes on you. You're everything to me, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, then so be it."

She placed both of her arms around my neck and pulled me into her. "I've waited so long for this. I love you too, more than I've ever loved anything," she whispered in my ear.

She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. I saw nothing but love and longing in her stare. I reached up and took her beautiful face into my hands and slowly moved towards her."Bella, I..." I started to say when suddenly she crushed her lips to mine, and the entire world stopped. Nothing else existed but us in this moment. I pulled her closer to me, needing to feel her, to hold her, to touch her. I needed her to understand my deepest desire to be everything she needed me to be in this one glorious kiss.

Her sweet lips opened slightly allowing me entrance into her beautiful mouth. Her little hands pulled at the back of my hair as she tried to get even closer. There was so much hunger and desire, desperation and acceptance that my heart felt like it just might explode.

Slowly the kiss came to end when she pulled away and looked up at me, I knew that everything was going to be okay-because we had already made it through so much, and me giving myself to her was just another step we had to take to get to where we've always belonged.

"Edward, can you please take me somewhere where we can be alone?" she asked as a crowd had formed on the lawn eavesdropping on our entire conversation.

I knew what she wanted, and trust me I would not let this night end without giving it to her. I had made the mistake once of denying her, and there was no way in Heaven or Hell that I would make that mistake again. We had waited too long for this and this night I would make her mine.

I smiled, leaned in and gently kissed the tip of her nose, as I grabbed her hand and pulled her up, "Yes, angel, I know exactly where I'm taking you."