Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Please note that the story idea behind this fiction is entirely that of the authors. Use of any portion of this fiction, without the authors' prior approval is strictly prohibited.
First off, thanks to all of you who sent your love and support when I pulled the story, I have come to learn that sometimes this fandom can be a difficult place to be. But people like you have given me the strength to see this story to the end, so Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have never claimed to be a professional author and this story has been a great learning experience for me. Now, having said that, I hope this chapter doesn't cause you guys to hunt me down and kill me LOL ! Thanks again everyone, I'm going into hiding now. :)
Oh, and more thanks at the bottom...just figured we should get right to it!
Playlist for this chapter and absolute MUST: 1."My Never" ~Blue October~ 2."Goodbye My Lover"~ James Blunt and 3. "I Miss My Friend" ~Daryyl Worley
~x~
Chapter 14 (My Never)
~Jasper~
This is it, the moment I have been waiting for all night. It is time, I can't wait another minute to make this woman mine. I have known since the first moment I laid eyes on her that she would be the only woman I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with. So, down on bended knee, I look up into her beautiful eyes and take her small hand in mine.
"Marry me Ali," I smile, pulling out the ring I have picked out especially for this moment. "I love you sweetheart, you are my everything."
I have watched her condition slowly deteriorate over the last few weeks and earlier tonight l could tell she was feeling much weaker then she has been letting on. She is putting up a brave front because she feels the need to be strong for Bella, for Edward, and for me. For everyone else around her. Instead of focusing on the pain and the sickness she feels every God damned day, she wraps her arms around each and every one of us in one way or another, casting all that other shit to the side. She is the strongest, most selfless woman I know.
It is so damn important to her to make sure we will all be happy once she is gone. Little does she know that when and if that ever happens, she'll be taking a piece of all of us along with her and it will be a long time, if ever, before any of us will find the strength to recover from the gaping hole left in our hearts when she is gone.
She is the half that makes me whole. If I lose that now that I have finally found the courage to claim her as my own... well, let's just say I can't even imagine what that will do to me...
I am so afraid that we don't have much time left, and I can't bear the thought of losing her without letting her know how much she means to me, how much she has always meant to me. I don't care about the details, the fact that she is still married to my brother doesn't even enter my mind. She completes me the same way Bella completes Edward. It's the way it should have always been. The details just get in the way.
Her face lights up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen, "I love you Jasper, my life wouldn't be complete without you. Of course I'll marry you baby." Her hands reach out, cupping my face, pulling me towards her, our lips meet in what can only be described as the most passionate kiss of my life. No more words are spoken as I lift her in my arms and carry her to the bedroom.
I pull her close to me after making sweet love to her, she is exhausted, it is written all over her face. "You need to sleep, sweetheart." I whisper softly in her ear, running my fingers down the contours of her beautiful body, feeling her warmth radiate around me.
She doesn't argue, it's been a long day for her. "I love you Jazz, never forget that." She gently kisses my forehead and closes her eyes.
These are her last words to me as we drift off to sleep in each other's arms. It is the happiest moment of my life. I am content to finally have her, to know that I am the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with, regardless of the amount of time that life includes. It just doesn't matter, because as I have said before, if I only ever had one minute with her it will have always been the best moment of my life. I will never be able to ask for any more than that.
~x~~
Sometime later, I awake to find her warm, soft body missing from my arms. Feeling an immediate sense of loss, I raise myself up off the bed and call out to her, the room is pitch black so I can't see a thing. When I get no response from her, panic sets in. I jump out of bed without turning the bedside lamp on and stumble out into the hallway.
I can see light coming from under the bathroom door and breathe a momentary sigh of relief. She's fine, I tell myself. She probably can't hear me with the door closed. I knock once and whisper her name and that's when the real panic ensues. There is still no response from her. I grab the door handle, flinging the door open, screaming her name, and I look down and my fucking heart nearly stops. Because there she is, the love of my life, my sweet Alice, her pale, lifeless body laying motionless on the bathroom floor.
The doctor in me instantly takes over as I drop to my knees beside her, checking for any signs of life. This can't be it. Please God, don't let this be it! I push my fingers into her neck to feel for a pulse. There is none, she is so cold.
"NO...NO...NO...Please baby, PLEASE don't leave me," I cry, pulling her into my arms as I dial 911 on my cell.
Everything gets blurry as I can't stop the tears falling from my eyes, sitting here on this bathroom floor rocking her lifeless body back and forth in my arms. Praying to God not to take her away from me yet, I tell him over and over again how fucking wrong my earlier words were, that no amount of time will ever be enough with her, not one minute, not one month, not even a lifetime...NO! I can't live without her.
Soon I hear an EMT screaming in my ear as he tries to pry her from my arms. "Please let her go sir, let her go so I can take care of her." But I am not ready to let her go, so I fight him with every ounce of strength I have left in me. Then Edward appears right behind me, I don't even remember calling him but apparently at some point I have.
"Come on Jasper, let them do their job." He begs, reaching his arms under mine and yanking me back away from her and out into the hall.
He pushes me against the wall and tells me not to move, and I can't understand how he can be so calm. I don't realize that at this moment it is not my little brother barking orders at me, it is Edward Cullen the doctor. It is the only aspect of his life that is not controlled by his emotions. It's what I have always admired about him, his ability to turn off the outside world to focus on the situation at hand.
I just stand there and watch him, I am completely paralyzed. He gives the EMT her medical history, as he assesses her condition along with him. When he stands and turns towards me again, the expression on his face brings me to my knees. I can see it in his eyes, there is no hope, she is already gone and the sharp pain in my chest tells me I will never hold her in my arms again.
Everything seems to move in slow motion now. I look up to see Bella running down the hallway as Edward grabs her and pushes her back, blocking her view of the scene. I can see him talking to her, but can't hear a word he is saying over this loud thumping in my ears, no doubt the sound of my heart shattering into a thousand pieces. I see tears streaming down her face as she looks down at me with disbelief in her eyes.
"NO!" she screams and I watch, still unable to move as Edward pulls her down the hallway and out of the house. He returns shortly after, kneeling down in front of me.
"Jazz, come on, let me take you out of here. You have seen enough." He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me up so that I am now standing.
Still unable to grasp that she is gone from me forever, I angrily push him away. "No Edward!, I can't leave her, she needs me!"
Just as I say this, I turn to see them push her past me, past us. They are taking her away and my nightmare is just beginning. I look at Edward and for the first time tonight see his strong demeanor fade. Tears stream down his face and he is gasping for air. The last time we were both witness to something like this, is when our monster of a father was taken from our home. But it doesn't hurt like this, not after everything he had done to us...to our family. No, neither one of us feel any pain seeing him leave in a body bag. But this, this is to much to bear. Alice has never hurt anyone, never done a single thing to deserve this kind of an end.
I still can't move, can't even breathe. This can't be the end...I can't live without her, not having come so close to finally knowing what it's like to love someone so completely. I want to scream at God for taking her away from me, for playing such cruel games with peoples lives.
Edward inhales deeply and moves past me down the hall towards the bedroom without saying a word. Everything is silent now that we are alone...
Soon, loud, crashing sounds echo from down the hall. "Edward!' I scream out, stumbling towards the bedroom door.
When I get to the doorway, what I see completely breaks me. He is on his knees in the middle of the floor, leaning over a picture of him and Alice on their wedding day. The dresser the picture sat on now laying on it's side and things are strewn all over the floor. I walk over to him stunned, drop down to my knees and wrap my arms around my little brother.
He grabs tightly ahold of me, as we both start sobbing. No words are spoken, we just sit there, clinging to each other in the darkness for what seems like hours. His tears are for the girl who has shown him the meaning of the word friend and mine...mine are for the woman who has shown me the meaning of the word love.
~o~
As if trying to ingrain it into my memory so I will never forget it, I keep replaying our last night together over and over again in my head. The words we spoke, the way her beautiful body felt lying in my arms as I made love to her. Every second of it was perfect. It finally seemed like everything was starting to fall into it's rightful place. Then, as if God is playing some cruel, sick joke on me, she is gone and my whole world is turned upside down.
"Jasper, " I hear Bella say through the door, "It's almost time to go."
When I don't answer, she opens the door and peeks inside. "You okay, Jazz?"
I've heard that same question so many times over the last few days, but I still can't answer it. Was I okay...could you really ever be okay again when your everything has been taken away from you?
I look up at her with a sad smile, "I don't know if I can do this Bella, I'm just not ready to say goodbye to her yet."
She walks into the room and closes the door behind her, puts her arm around me and sits down beside me on the bed. "I know Jasper, I know...I'm not ready either. I just got her back in my life and now I have to let her go again. Life seems so unfair. We just have to try and remember the times we did have with her, cherish those times and never let them go. If we spend all of our time holding on to what should have been, none of us will ever be able to move on."
I can't even think about doing that right now, I frown, "I'm not ready to move on, Bella. I'll never be ready to move on."
She smiles again, "You will be in time, you just can't see it yet."
Standing, she puts her finger on my chin and pulls my hollow gaze to hers. "Soon you will realize that Alice would not have wanted this for you. She would have wanted you to live your life to it's fullest, she would have wanted you to be happy, Jasper." she says as she turns and walks out of the room.
Of course she would have wanted me to happy, that's all she ever wanted for anyone. But my happiness died with her. I put on my suit jacket and look at my reflection in the mirror on the dresser. I see an empty broken man staring back at me. My happiness, my soul, my very existence died with her that night...
~x~
The car ride to the church is painfully silent, Edward and I haven't spoken much since that night. I know all to well what he is feeling, but can no longer bring myself to comfort him or his broken heart. Maybe this was one of those stages of grief everyone keeps talking about. I can barely even look at him now. When I do all I can think about is all the time he had with her, all of the time he took away from me. I know in my heart none of that was his fault, but it was a reality that I was having a hard time letting go of at the moment. I know had I told him then how I really felt about Alice, he would never have married her, he would have gladly stepped aside for me but I was a coward. So maybe it wasn't him I was angry at, maybe it was myself.
I don't even notice the car coming to a stop when I hear him clear his throat, "I'm sorry Jasper...I'm so fucking sorry for all of it, for marrying her, for taking so long to realize that you were the one she was meant to be with. She loved you, she always loved you, you have to know that." I look over at him and immediately feel guilty for the things that were going through my mind. How could he have known what I was thinking?
"I know she did Edward, I asked her to marry me, you know, the last night we were together. I asked her to be my wife and she said yes." The tears come again the minute the words are out of my mouth. I haven't told a soul about this until now and hearing it out loud shreds any sense of control I have left in me.
"I'm so sorry Jazz," he says, trying to fight back the tears that are now threatening to fall.
I bury my face in my hands, and sob uncontrollably, I can't go in there...I just can't, NO I won't do this. Edward reaches over and places his hand on my shoulder and I shrug it off.
"I can't go in there Edward, PLEASE don't make me go in there."
"I'm not making you do anything you don't want to Jasper, I don't want to go myself, but I know this is the last chance I have to let Alice know what she meant to me...what she meant to all of us. I won't let her down, not this time."
He's right. As much as I would love to turn this car around and drive away from this God forsaken place, I can't do that, not to her. So after a long moment, I reach up and wipe the tears from my face, take a deep breath and open the car door.
Walking from the parking lot to the church doors feels like the longest few minutes of my life. I would be lying if I said I haven't considered turning around several times. Although I know Edward is trying to be strong for me, I can see it in his eyes and in the tears that are streaming heavily down his cheeks. That he too wanted to run, just as I did, run as far away from this place as we could possibly get.
As we approach the steps that lead to the doors of the church, I try to block out the mental images that are already flooding my mind of my sweet Alice, lying just beyond those doors. Her once beautiful face, full of life and hope, now emotionless, cold and empty, lifeless laying in that coffin. I stop and grab hold of Edward standing next to me, as my knees start to give out. Everything is spinning, I am sweating and my stomach is churning, my entire body is shaking. I bend over on the top step trying to regain some form of control over my body.
"Edward, I...," I can't get the words out. I want to tell him that I can't do this, saying goodbye to her just isn't something I am ready to do yet. But I can't speak, I can't move, Hell, I can barely even breathe.
He places one hand on my back as he holds my body steady with the other, "I know Jasper, I don't want to go in there either...but we have to, we have to do this for Ali."
It is hard for me to fathom just how much our roles had been reversed over the last few days. I have spent what feels like my entire life, trying to keep Edward from allowing his emotions to completely envelop him, failing miserably most of the time. Yet here he was now seemingly in complete control, even though I know this is killing him too. I can't help but wonder when his strong facade would crack and those emotions that I know are there just under the surface will come flooding out.
Suddenly the church doors swing open in front of us and there stands Esme, looking at us both with an expression of utter pain written across her still beautiful features. She steps out towards us, taking us both into her arms, sobbing and whispering sweet words of encouragement to us both. Esme is one of the few people who knows the truth of what has taken place over the last few weeks between the four of us, so she understands the pain that Edward and I share at this moment.
"I'm so sorry, " she chokes out. "Alice was an amazing woman, strong until the very end. As cliché' as this might sound, she's in a better place, no longer in pain. Her daily struggle with this disease is finally over. She can rest in peace now."
I have heard that a lot over the last few days, and I, too really wanted to believe she is in a better place now. But in my heart I can't help but feel the only place for her is here with me.
"Come on, boys, the service will be starting soon. We have to get inside," she says, wrapping her arms around the both of us and follows us through the doors.
The entrance to the church is littered with a sea of people whose lives Alice has touched in one way or another. At first it is difficult for me to stand back and watch Edward play the role of the grieving husband, but as I began to see the way it was wearing on him, I was almost grateful not to be in his position today.
Charlie and Bella stay close to Edward, as Esme, Carlisle and Emmet, along with his new wife Rosalie, follow beside me. We make our way up the aisle to take our seats for the service. It is almost impossible for me to describe my feelings at this moment as the crowd clears in front of us and my eyes fall on Alice laying in her casket for the first time. But I have no time to react, because Edward catches sight of her, just as I do.
He breaks free from us and slowly walks closer to her, something I am unwilling to do yet. When he reaches the casket my heart sinks as I watch him fall to his knees in front of her, sobbing loudly. Bella stands behind him trying to console him as he keeps repeating why her, over and over again while he rocks back and forth with his head in his hands. Esme rushes past me trying to get to him while I just stand there, once again unable to move. I want to go to him, to comfort him. But I just can't bring myself to do it.
It is one of the hardest things I have ever witnessed, watching him like this, not having the strength to be the big brother I am supposed to be for him. He is a grown man, I know, but he is still and always will be my little brother, and the need to make sure he is okay has always been intense for me. So in this moment when he needs me the most...I can not help but feel I am failing him in so many ways.
Everything around us has come to a standstill and all I can hear are the sobs coming from Edward as friends and family gather around to console him.
"You okay son?" Carlisle whispers, placing a hand on my shoulder, as he notices me frozen in place.
I silently shake my head as I reach up, wiping the tears from my eyes. No, I can finally answer, I will never be okay, not after this.
~x~
The next few hours feel like days, and I cringe when it is Edward's turn to stand up and read aloud a poem he has written for Alice. Fearful that he won't be able to make it through it without losing it again. But he has regained his composure for the most part and bravely stands up there reading his heartfelt words aloud. It is another one of those moments that I am grateful to be in the background, not having to put my emotions out there for all to see.
After we leave the church, we have to endure her funeral at the cemetery and without a doubt the hardest part of this is watching as they lower her casket into that cold dark hole in the ground. This is no place for my Alice, and as sick as it sounds, all I can think about is digging her up and bringing her home with me, where she will be warm and safe. Not a normal thought I'm sure, but I sure as hell can not claim to have any sense of normalcy on this day.
I watch and wait patiently for everyone to leave the grave site. This is where I have chosen to say my final goodbye to the woman I love. Alone and uninterrupted, the question is will I be able to go through with it. I kneel down in front of the hole where her coffin now rests and quietly sing her a song...a song that was ironically playing on the stereo that night, as I held her in my arms for the last time. She loved it when I sang to her, so I inhale deeply and give her the only gift I can give in this moment.
~Goodbye My Lover~
By: James Blunt
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby,
I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
My voice starts to go as the tears start to fall. All I have ever wanted, ever dreamed of having, is lost to me now. "I miss you my sweet girl, I miss you so fucking much."
I pour my heart out to her saying all of the things I should have said before she was gone but didn't. Hoping beyond hope that where ever she was now, she could hear me.
"I want you to know baby, just as the song says, you were always the one for me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to see it, to act on it. I will regret every moment not spent with you for the rest of my miserable life. But I will always be grateful for every second we shared, every stolen kiss, every smile I was ever lucky enough to witness on your beautiful face. I will thank God every day, for giving you to me even if our time together was too brief. You were my light in this everlasting darkness, and now that you're gone from me, I'm not sure that I can ever hope to see that light again."
I bring my hands up to wipe the tears from my red and swollen eyes, and pause for a long moment, not sure if I can get these final words out... "Goodbye my sweet love, I will see you in my dreams always." I choke out, as every ounce of my being breaks. I can't control it anymore, it is all just too much.
I feel a warm touch on my shoulder, causing me to open my eyes and look up. When I do, the vision before me nearly throws me over the edge. Was this a dream? I blink several times, sure that as I open my eyes again this vision will be gone. But I am wrong, this isn't a dream...she is real.
"Are you okay?" she asks in a sweet and tender voice.
"I...I don't know, who...," I trail off, unable to stop myself from staring at her.
A sad smile plays on her lips as she sits down next to me, "You must be Jasper, I'm sorry I tried to stay away, but well, you look like you could use a friend."
"How do you know who I am?" I question. The strong need to reach out and touch her, to make sure she isn't an illusion my mind has created in this moment to provide me with comfort when I desperately need it the most, overwhelms me.
She looks at me smiling, "The question is, how could I not know it, Ali never stopped talking about you."
"Alice mentioned me?" I am stunned into silence for a moment.
How...when...we'd only been together a short time, I didn't think she had ever told anyone about me. Who is this woman? Does she even realize the resemblance she has to my sweet Ali?
Same dark hair, beautiful porcelain skin, and her eyes...these are Alice's eyes. I can't help but wonder if Alice had a twin she had never told anyone about.
"Oh, Jasper, of course she mentioned you, she spoke very highly of you." A sweet smile crosses her lips as a sad expression inundates her feminine features. "You meant so much to her. You do realize that, right?"
"Who...who are you?" I question, completely puzzled.
"I'm sorry, we've never met. I'm Mary...Mary Sullivan. I'm Alice's cousin. My work keeps me away a lot, but Ali and I have managed to stay close via phone calls and emails. She mentioned you quite often through the years"
Through the years, for some strange reason knowing this brings a smile to my face, I mean I never imagined that she had mentioned me to anyone as more than her brother in law, so to hear she has somehow makes me feel, I don't know, ecstatic. This a hard thing for me to say sitting here where I am. But it really didn't surprise me that even now Alice has the ability to make me smile.
"Well, that explains it then, I guess."
"Explains what?"
"Mary, you have to know, your resemblance to her is quite remarkable."
"Oh, that," she softly chuckles "Yes, we did hear that a lot, especially when we were younger."
She pauses, looking down where Alice now lays. "I miss her, Jasper," she finally says with tear filled eyes.
"I know...me too. I would give anything to have her back right now."
She places her hand over mine and looks me in the eyes. "You were always the one you know? Never forget that, and she'll always be with you."
We sit here for what seems like hours sharing our memories of Alice, the good times along with the bad. Until the sun is setting in the horizon and both of us are exhausted, ready for this day to end. It is nice to have met someone, who, like Alice, is so easy for me to be myself with. This is not at all how I expected this day to end, but then I've come to learn, especially over the last few weeks, that life is full of many unexpected moments.
I thank her for staying with me and as we part ways we exchange phone numbers. Her last words to me are to call her if ever I need a friend to lean on. I tell her I gladly will and hope that she will do the same, and with that, I say goodbye to her. I look back at Alice as I am getting in my car, silently thanking her for every gift she has ever given me in my life and even now I know exactly who has sent Mary here today. I can't help but smile at that thought as I drive away.
~x~
A/N ~ A quick thanks to my beta's Jeanne and Angel. J, thank you for always encouraging me even when I am ready to give up, and Angel thank you so much for taking my story on, I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Jackie what can I say, I am so grateful to have you as a friend, thank you so much for taking time out of your crazy busy life to proof for me...and to my new proof reader Mel Melarimo I honestly don't have words to thank you enough...I am positive I would not have made it through this chapter had it not been for you lending me your ear on a daily basis... I love you more than words can say. Oh and if you are not reading her story yet go do it now, it's fantastic...here is the link: www(dot)theramblingsofchloemasen(dot)blogspot(dot)com
This was a tough one with lots of tears along the way, so MUCH love goes out to you all for having the patience to stick by me.
To Alice: I'll miss you my sweet girl! May you always rest in peace knowing that I'll take good care of YOUR Jasper :)