Lionblaze has a Shadow: Part 5. Cloudtail
Jayfeather, are you alone
is there no one you can phone
is there no one who could help
try to find your inner self
its like they're all in a haze
it hurts to go through the days
love me please, hold me tight
stay with me throughout the night
say you love me please, again
tell me i could be your friend
i'll hold your hand and make you smile
make you happy for a while
but its like i couldnt see
that you could never love me
i love u so much it hurts
and your presense makes it worse
i love you, its so insane
how your in my heart and brain
i love you, just please love me
because pain is all i see.
"Jayfeather, come on. Hollyleafs waiting in the car," Lionblaze pulled on his coat and glanced over at his brother. Jayfeather was lying on the couch, absentmindedly picking his nails.
"Im not up for it tonight. I don't feel well," He sighed. Lionblaze knew he wasn't lying, Jayfeather actually looked sick.
"Well, okay," Lionblaze said at last. "I'll tell Hollyleaf your sick." Lionblaze walked out the door leaving Jayfeather alone. He was supposed to go to Hollyleafs book club meeting, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. The last one was such a disaster, and Jayfeather didn't want to sit in a resturant for the entire evening talking about a book he really didn't care about. He was feeling depressed anyway, and didn't really want to talk to anyone.
TWO HOURS LATER
The ringing doorbell woke Jayfeather up from his nap. Cursing, he got up and walked toward the door. Stupid people. Get the hell off my doorstep. im busy. Jayfeather opened the door and angerly stared at the person in front of him. Black rimmed eyes stared back at him, with bright blue colours that looked Jayfeather up and down. The person was beautiful, with wonderfully long white hair and stripy armbands. And he was male. Jayfeathers thoughts were finally broken when he spoke.
"Um, im looking for Lionblaze."
Lionblaze?
"...He's out," Jayfeather stuttered. The boy rolled his eyes and glared at Jayfeather.
"Well, arn't you going to like, ask me to take a message?" he snapped.
"It depends what you want to tell him," Jayfeather retorted, his usual sarcastic self coming back to him. The boy looked surprised.
"Oh arn't you the fucking sweetest thing ive heard all day," he said icily. "Oh your just hilarious. Are you this rude to everyone else you jackass? Think its funny to be a little bitch to anyone who looks different then you? You fucking little piece of shit, everyone doesn't have the same intrests as you. If i want to be gay i will, and no one can stop me. Expecially not you!" The boy snapped. Jayfeather stood there dumbfoundedly. "Oh yeah, and you can tell Lionblaze," The boy hissed. "That i'll come back later when his idiot roomate isn't around!" Jayfeather stared at him, understanding hitting him up and down. He was getting defensive because he thought Jayfeather was judging him for being gay, hence his swearing and rudeness.
"Oh now your just going to stare at me all day? Thats real fucking lovely, asshole." The boy spun on his heel and started walking away.
"I think your beautiful," Jayfeather said involuntarily. The boy stopped.
"What?"
Jayfeather felt his face turn beet red and he looked down at his feet.
"I think your beautiful. I like your hair," Jayfeather couldn't believe what he was saying. The boys aggressive face changed.
"Why?" He asked. Jayfeather shifted on his feet and looked around, half wishing the boy would have just left so he didn't have to explain himself.
"You look like someone who isn't afraid of anyones judgement," Jayfeather said at last. "The way you look isn't just beautiful, its couragous. I wish i had the confidence to dress like you," Jayfeather said, feeling his red face go away. He didn't even feel uncomfortable talking about this with a complete stranger, it was nice to finally tell someone the truth. And Jayfeather was surprised he wasn't embarrased at all. This time it was the boys turn to look dumbfounded.
"Have a nice day," Jayfeather turned around.
"My names Cloudtail," the boy said. "And i think im in love with you." Jayfeather looked around at him again.
"Excuse me?"
"Can i come in? You know, if your not... busy." "S-sure..." Jayfeather held the door for him. Cloudtail walked in and looked around.
"Is it just you and Lionblaze living here?" he asked. "No, my sister Hollyleaf lives with us too. Hollyleaf pays for most of the stuff though, her having a good job and everything," Jayfeather replyed. He looked around awkwardly.
"Um, would you like something to eat or drink?" He mumbled. Cloudtail looked over at him.
"Coffee?" he said. Jayfeather mumbled something unaudible and started fumbling around trying to find the jar of coffee grounds. This went on for a solid minute before Cloudtail finally cleared his throught.
"It... it doesnt really matter. I can just have water." Jayfeather got him a glass of water and stood there awkwardly for a minute before deciding to go and sit on the couch again. Cloudtail followed and sat down next to him.
"Im sorry i flipped out on you earlier," Cloudtail said. "Its just a habit, y'know.. people get all bitchy cuz they see a guy with makeup on and all that shit. I guess i overreacted," Cloudtail looked into Jayfeathers eyes, which made him turn all red again and look away.
"Well, i guess i kind of get what you mean. Hollyleaf and Lionblaze are on my case all the time asking if im attracted to guys or not."
"Are you?"
Jayfeather sat staring at the wall for a second then got up. "The coffees got to be somewhere," Jayfeather mumbled and randomly opened up cupboards and looking urgently.
"Hey... whats your name, anyway?" Cloudtail had followed Jayfeather into the kitchen.
"Um.. Jayfeather."
Cloudtail grinned. "Thats a cute name. Its better then Cloudtail. I mean, how lame is that. Your name sounds cool. Jayfeather."
"Stop that," Jayfeather sighed. Then he felt Cloudtail rest his hand on his shoulder, nearly giving him a heart attack. He brushed it off.
"Cloudtail, i think you need to go," He said, and for the first time since he met him, Jayfeather looked deep into Cloudtails eyes. They were slightly narrowed, because he was confused.
"Why," Cloudtail said quietly.
"Because im attracted to you!" Jayfeather slammed the cupboard door shut. "And i don't want to be! I want to like girls, Cloudtail! I want to get married one day and maybe have kids! I cant do that for some reason and its confusing me!" Jayfeather pulled his hair and groaned. "And now im being a complete jerk to you. Im sorry. i really am, now please leave." Jayfeather pointed to the door and Cloudtail looked at Jayfeather for two more heartbreaking seconds before turning away.
"I had a girlfriend once," Cloudtail said. "She was beautiful. I loved her and spent all my time with her. But i could never feel anything for her. And i tryed, you better belive me i did. And i let her believe i did, too. It hurt her so bad, Jayfeather." Jayfeather felt his heart hurt.
"And what happened with her?" he asked. Cloudtail smiled sadly. "I got home from work one day, and found her in her room on the floor. She overdosed on pills. And when i looked into her lifeless eyes, all i could think about was all those days when she looked into mine. She was so happy, and in the end it was me who hurt her because i tryed to be someone im not. Thats why i stopped hiding how i really felt," Cloudtail sighed. "And that may not make me a great person, but i like to think it makes me a practical one." Jayfeather saw his eyes watering, and he knew he would lose it if Cloudtail started crying. So he hugged him, and unable to see Cloudtails sad face he was able to regain himself. "You don't have to go," Jayfeather said at last.
if you were here, wherever you are
id steal you the moon and hide you the stars
id kiss you and love you
like no one else could
and if you would let me im sure that i would
i miss you when your gone
i wish you were here
and if we could still talk and listen my dear
id say your amazing, and i love you so
and if i could see you i would let you know
i love you i need you with you theres no fear
now tell me the words i would die for to hear.
I knoe this is a short chapter and im sorry! it took me a while to write that poem though and i think it turned out well .