May the madness continue. . .
. . . Contains adult content. . . A lot of it. . .
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Chapter 9: Lost
. . .
Things were silent. I stood in a hallway with full view of the moon in a window. Its glow was really beautiful. The blue shade, the same shade of color I always saw in my dreams. Did I know from the start that this moon meant that time was up for me?
A single hand move across my shoulders to the front of my neck. I didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling. "Amazing isn't it? This is how really met. That first night when we moved here, you were sleeping so soundly that night, and you were having the oddest dream to." I just lowered my head. "Come on Roxas, if I can remember everything from the day of my birth till now, you can remember a simple night can't you?"
"Before you take my soul, can I send a final goodbye?" I rested my hands on the windowsill and looked up and met Axel's eyes. "And can you promise me that you'll leave Luxord, Olette, and Pence alone?"
"The three of them will remain unharmed. As for a 'goodbye'," In nothing but air, several sheets of paper and a pen appeared. "I suggest a letter. You can tell everyone anything: about us, about you, a total lie, it doesn't matter."
I nodded as tears started to form in my eyes and began to write:
Dear Uncle Luxord. . .
. . .
I wasn't always the social kid that loved being around people. No. There was once a time where everything was perfect. That was when I was still just a child without a care in the world. My parents gave me anything I ever asked for and I was showered with love. When I was asked to do something I did it. I went to church with family every Sunday. I said my prayers every night before I went to bed. Again, everything was perfect.
Then, one night, I stumbled upon a book lying on my uncle's shelf. It had a symbol on it that I had never seen before and it really intrigued me. Quickly, I picked up the book and threw it in my backpack.
Later that night, I hid in my attic and started reading. The words on the pages branded themselves into my mind. Every symbol I found, every phrase, every word, every picture-I grew obsessed. Then one night, it happened. . .
I was at an abandon church in the middle of the woods. Five candles, an up-side-down pentagram facing me. My heart racing as the air started to grow really thick. I started my first ritual. I felt and saw things I never thought could have been real. . .
The next thing I knew it was morning and my phone was ringing off the hook. Most of the calls were from my mom. She was the only one who seemed to notice if I was out of the house ('missing') for more than an hour without telling her. I staggered to me feet putting my phone back in my pocket. I turned around and was surprised to see a message, written in something red. My heart stopped and the scratches on my limbs began to burn. But I couldn't read the message however, the writings were smeared and dripping. I gulped and headed down the stairs of the tower of the church.
I ran through the woods back home. It was still early in the morning, so I knew Dad was still going to be asleep, and I was hoping Mom would be in the room with him. Cracking the back door open, I peered inside. Coast was clear. I slipped in and ran upstairs to my room. I took off my clothes and threw them under the sink, just in case my mom came in. I started a shower and let the warm water run down my skin, which was freezing. I ran through everything from the night before, trying to piece together everything: from the time I started to the time I passed out. It all seemed like a dream, a really abstract dream! But I saw everything! And that message on the wall wasn't there last night. Or was it? I could have gotten the scratches from the thicket I had to walk through, but they stung when I looked at the wall. . . Not of this made really any scenes. . .
A week or so after that, I'd snuck out again and repeated the same actions as before. This time, I was awake the whole time. I'm not sure whole to explain what was going on, but the closest thing to it was a person tripping on pills and seeing the Beetles' music videos in only red and black. Then I soon fell into a pattern. Every night, I lit a red candle and would put it out with a drop of my blood. Every time I said a prayer, I'd make a pentagram across my chest. I started wearing black, more dressy black, to keep my parents and uncle off my back. Most importantly, I started to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I excelled in school and went to church, like a good little boy though. Then, I met him. . .
I was in the library looking for a book I needed for English. As I skimmed the shelf, my hand bumped into his and our eyes met for the first time ever.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"Hey, no worries." He smiled. "I just heard it was a really good read."
"Yeah right." I didn't really sneer, but kinda mocked. "If my English teacher says it's good, it's usually horrible."
"Really?" This blond boy had a sort of arrogance about him, it was different for this small town. He crossed his arms and grinned at me.
"Trust me. She made us read Twilight and said that it was the best piece of literature she's ever found." He then gave me this look of pure disbelief. "Yeah. I only need it for her class."
"Oh-well then, I can wait." I nodded and we just stood there awkwardly before he stretched out his hand. "Hayner."
"Roxas." We shook hands and something on his wrist caught my attention. "Are you pagan?" He cocked an eyebrow and looked at his bracelet.
"Yeah, why?"
"Nothing really." We started walking over to the checkout counter with the book in my hand. I checked it out and we just started talking.
"So where are you from?" I asked Hayner.
"Everywhere and nowhere." He answered. "Mom and I travel a lot."
"Why?"
"Because of my dad. He's has this obsession with getting me baptized to save my soul from damnation." He groaned. "Mom got sick of it and decided to go under the radar. So we moved from small town to small town. Then she found this and amazingly we've been here for a year."
"Really? I haven't seen you in school."
"I'm online. Solely for the purpose of not having to deal with the small classes and stricter teachers." He smiled. And something in his smile really started to stir up this odd feeling inside me.
After a while, we had to make our goodbyes and I headed for my uncle's for our usual Sunday dinner. After eating and my parents were in the study room, I helped my uncle in the kitchen with the dishes.
"Luxord, can I ask you something?" I was lightly drying a plate.
"Sure thing love. Anything, go ahead." He said calmly.
I sighed, trying to find the words. "What does it feel like when you," I looked over my shoulders to make sure the coast was clear. "When you meet someone and feel. . . weird towards them." Take note, I'm fourteen at this time and raised in a Catholic home, you don't learn much about sexual attraction until you're married.
Luxord just looked at me. "Do you mean, like when a man feels attracted towards a woman?" I nodded. Luxord smiled and put his hands on my shoulders. "Listen Roxas, what you are possibly feeling right now, it's normal. Despite what your parents say."
"What do you mean?" He smiled.
Just then my parents walked into the room, coats in hand. "Ready to go sweetie?" My mom asked.
"Um-Jane, why not let the boy spend the night here? I'll take him to school in the morning." Mom and Dad just looked at him.
"Sure thing Luxord." Dad smiled. "Behave Roxas." I nodded. Mom wished me good night and they left.
After they left, Luxord sat me down on the sofa with a book in his hands. It was labeled, Reproduction: Sexual Education. "Listen Roxas, I know that you've been told not to have sex till you're married, but you've never really been told why."
"Ok." I sat back in the chair.
Luxord sighed as he started flipping through pages. "When a man and a woman meet that one special person, they usually date for a while. Now, sometimes, after the first date, they'll cozy upon each other and they'll start to feel excited. This is normally builds up to them having sex." He handed me the book with the picture of a naked man and woman. "Now, sex is the key for a man and a woman having a baby without adoption. And this is the reason why the cathedral goes on to promote abstinence."
"So-sex is completely natural?" It seemed like an odd question back then.
"Yes. It's nothing to be worried about." Luxord smiled and put his hand on my knee. "So, in the future, if you do decide to have sex, make sure you use protection, like a condom and stuff." I nodded. "Take this up to bed with you. You might learn a few things." I nodded again and headed off to bed.
I sat up for a while reading that book, till Luxord came in telling me that I best get showered and head off to bed. I did as he suggested and was soon sound sleeping. And that night, I dreamt of nothing but people, no, not people, but creatures having sex and doing all sorts of taboo things. That morning was the first sign of me hitting puberty. . .
One year later . . .
Hayner and I had grown insuperably close. We shared a lot in common. He became kinda like a brother to me, then one day-
"Roxas, can I ask you something a little personal?" Hayner asked as we were walking along a path in the woods.
"Sure, what is it?" He stopped for a moment. He seemed to be looking for the words to say.
"Have you ever-you know-had strong feelings for someone?" He looked really confused and at a loss, but I did kinda know how he felt, what he meant. Only the person I felt an attraction to, it didn't feel right. No! It felt right, but it didn't sound right.
"I do, but-it would just be really odd between us." I leaned against a tree and sighed.
Hayner just stood not far from me. "Ok then, let me as you this. Is this person a boy, or a girl?" I swear there were tears in his eyes as he asked. Almost like he was scared of my answer. But something else was there. Something that hoped that the answer was what he wanted to hear.
I looked down at my feet. "Honestly, it is a guy and he's truly, the most awesome guy I know. And, I'd like it very much if he-" I couldn't finish the statement. Hayner placed my head in his hands and brought our faces together. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that my first kiss would be with another boy! But it still felt so right. This innocent little act, that should have been magical and wonderful, sadly was the catalyst for the events that would send me to live with Luxord. . .
One summer Saturday night, I was in the abandon church tower, preforming a ceremony, like I have been doing for the last year. But this one was different. I felt odd doing it. I didn't know why either. So I asked why I felt this way and the candles flickered giving me my answer. I put out the candles and left the church. I sat at home thinking. . . Maybe it was time for me to come clean about what it was I was doing. Until I met Hayner, it didn't seem weird. So why all of a sudden?
The next day I met up with Hayner in the woods. He seemed really excited, but when he saw me, his smiled faded. "Is something wrong Roxas?" He asked.
"I don't know. . . Lately, I just feel like I've been living a lie." He chuckled a bit.
"We've been together for a while now, and you won't tell anybody." He smiled and tried to kiss me, but I pulled away.
"I know, but that's not it." There was no hiding it. "Hayner, come with me." I grabbed his hand and led through the woods to the abandon church.
"How did you find this place?" Hayner sounded really amazed.
"A few years ago while I was playing. It's kinda where I come to think." I led him up to the tower where I kept my alter and books. Hayner was speechless, taking in the surroundings.
He just looked at me in disbelief. "Roxas, you practice black magic?" Worried filled his eyes.
I shook my head. "Not black magic, but-I can't explain it!" His eyes grew wide. "Hayner, I promise you-I haven't practiced black magic! I've never summoned anything or made anyone suffer."
"Then what do you worship for?" His voice rose up to an angry yell. "Do you know what you're messing with Roxas?"
"I-I. . . I don't know ok! Unlike you, I live the 'picture perfect' life, and I hate it! This, right here, it's different. It's the freedom and rebellious act that I've been unconsciously looking for." Was that truly it? Was that the real reason? Did I only become a Satanist only to rebel against my parents?
Hayner was silent as he approached me. Quickly, he grabbed the collar of my shirt and slammed me to the ground, crashing his lips against mine. It was totally hot and completely insane. Once we finally pulled a part to breath, Hayner met my eyes. "So does this mean you're not Catholic?"
I just looked at him. "If I was, do you think I'd be on my back right now with you on top of me?"
"No, I guess not." His lips recaptured mine as he started removing articles of clothing. First went the shirts, then the pants, and then the undergarments. They say your first time is awkward, and mine, kinda was and pretty comfortable to. But the irony of all of it was what got me. I was a Catholic turned Satanist, lying on my back in a church, being pleasured by another man, who was pagan. The whole time I was thinking, I promised my uncle that if something like this ever happened, I would talk to him about it before it happened and that I would use protection. Yet there I was going bareback (unsafe). I was raised all my life to believe that anything like this could only be felt by a man and a woman, and there I was, enjoying every part of it! My first orgasm? Unbelievably amazing. And the feeling of Hayner's release inside me-indescribable. . .
Apparently we both past out after climax. I found it hard to sit up at first, but the pain was manageable. I sighed and ran a hand through my messy hair. Hayner soon hand his arm around me kissing my neck and running his free hand down my abdomen. As much as I wanted to give into the sin of temptation, I couldn't. There was some place I needed to be that day.
"Hayner, stop." He just looked at me with puppy eyes. "I mean it. I told my uncle I'd meet up with him at the cathedral." His hands dropped right there and he looked at me.
"The cathedral?" His jaw dropped as I nodded. "I have been dying for a reason to go there, please, take me with you!" He begged. What harm could it do?
And that was the day I found out about Hayner's building fetish. . .
"It's soo pretty!" It was defiantly weird at first, but I grew use to it.
"Roxas." Luxord called from the door. "You're late mister."
"I know." I looked over towards Hayner, who was now nuzzling the building. "We went for a hike in the woods."
"You've been spending a lot of time there lately, Roxas. Is something going on there that I should know about?" I shook my head. Hayner finally decided to quite molesting the cathedral and walk over and say 'hi'.
"Morning Father." I was a little surprised at his politeness.
"Morning Son." Luxord smiled. "I take it you're the child of the lovely lady who owns the coffee shop the smells of lavender."
"Yup. Hayner, son of Elizabeth, second generation pagan." Luxord cocked an eyebrow.
"A young man with pride in his religion. I like that. Please, shall we move inside?" Luxord lead the way inside.
"I see where you get your good looks from." Hayner smirked. I just felt my face go hot.
There was something really odd about my being in the cathedral. Any other day I felt fine, so why now? I was just in there the day before! We walked into Luxord's office and sat down in front of his desk as Luxord took his seat behind it. We got on with our meeting and discussed some important factors. Then Hayner excused himself to go use the restroom. I got up to direct him where it was. After he was gone, Luxord closed the door and grabbed my arm. He pulled down the collar of my shirt. I guess he found what he was looking for, because the look on his face-it had to be the first and only time I ever saw my uncle angry.
"Roxas-" Fury was in his eyes.
"I can explain-"
"Damn right you can." He just-I was in real trouble. "Did you-and with him?" I lowered my head. Luxord sat back and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me, about him?"
Tears started to sting my eyes. "I thought you'd be mad." I whispered. He got up and pulled me into a hug.
"Roxas, I love you as if you were my child. If you feel that this is what you want, then I'm happy for you. Just please, don't ever lie to me. I want you to trust me, with anything." Any blind man could see why I loved Luxord like I did. He treated me as if I were his son. And that's what I was truly thankful for. . .
Mom and Dad were a different story. Days after coming out to Luxord, he talked me into telling them about Hayner. So, the plan was simple, make a great dinner and hopefully, use enough wine the will make them drunk enough to accept the truth. And since I'm a Mama's boy, hopefully that would help. . . But sadly, it didn't. . .
Dad freaked out, no-worse. Mom, she just looked at me. The one person I thought you help me, but I was wrong. She didn't do anything. I can't explain how I felt. All I knew was that one minute I was in the dining and the next, I was running through the woods over to the abandon church. I sat down in front of my alter and lit the candles. Catching my breath, I started my prayers.
Once I finally started to relax, I heard footsteps. I looked over my shoulder with a dead look in my eyes at Hayner and Luxord. . .
Anything after that was really a blur. All I remember is coming to with Elizabeth, a woman who didn't even like me, holding me in her arms. Turns out she saved my life. I owed her everything. Hayner and I had to take a break in our relationship. It was really a really rough high school life. I really hit the sumps, and Hayner, Elizabeth, and Luxord were there with me the whole way. Olette and I reconnected later on and I introduced her to Pence, a guy I had met during one of mine and Hayner's breaks. The four of us, we became a group that truly stuck together.
I owe them all everything. . .
"I'm truly sorry to leave like this, but I need to get of this town. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I know I'll see you all again someday. This is goodbye, for now I guess. . .
Love, Roxas." Tears fell from my eyes as I finished the letter. I folded up the pages and handed them to Axel who stuffed them in his jacket. "You swear they'll get those?"
"Yes. I'll send one to the priest and he can give the message to the other two. I swear." I nodded and stood up meeting his eyes. His hands wiped the tears away and he pulled me close. "You ready?"
"Just get it over with." I whispered. He tilted my chin up making our lips meet. Out of all the times Axel's kissed me, this had to be the softest. I felt really light as he slowly started to pull away from me. Then I saw the last thing I'd ever clearly see. A ball, no bigger than an apple, glowing with ocean blue and white light, floated in front of me. My eye lids started to feel heavy as Axel took the ball into his mouth and swallowed. Then blackness. . .
I felt light. I felt nothingness, almost as if I were floating in an endless ocean. Where was I? What was this place? . . . Now that I thought about it, who was I?
Something was caressing my skin. It was warm and very smooth. I gave into it. I wanted it. I liked the feel and the feeling it gave me. Then I felt something even nicer.
I opened my eyes and found someone kissing me. I'm not sure who he was, but I must know him. He pulled me on top of him and I ran my fingers through his fiery red hair. I wanted him, I wanted more of him, and it appeared he wanted me.
"You know Roxas, if I knew you would be like this, I would have taken your soul months ago." He flipped me on my back and started filling my body with pleasure. Roxas. . . Was that my name? It didn't matter; all I cared about at this moment was his man. He looked me in the eye with his golden-bronze ones. He smiled and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "You're finally mine, Roxas."
As he said that, all I could think of was one thing.
Axel. . .