A/N: The REAL chapter 1! ~Insert evil laugh~ Since chapters tend to be longer than prologues and that prologue was ridiculously long and not exactly like a prologue, I present a long chapter! (for my standard, at the very least). By the very way, I'm writing more like in scenes. So it goes from SCENE A to SCENE B with nothing but a little asterisk or a line to separate them. Just because I wanted to try it and it's kinda convenient, actually. I hope you people don't mind.

BTW: Sirloin beef. Reference from that one Millifore VS Varia chapter where Xanxus beat the crap out of his subordinates for giving him the wrong meat.

Chapter 1

Approximately Eight Years Ago:

She was this scrawny, highly diminutive nine year old; your typical little twit with patchy green hair that stuck up at curious ends and grass stained knees. She was brushing her teeth with a pink, plastic toothbrush covered with strawberry scented toothpaste that made her look like a rabid dog dripping pink tinted drool messily over her shirt. Perhaps she was one.

Xanxus could only arch an elegant eyebrow at the pathetic sight and she in turn did so as well, a glowing and over sized pair of pink colored eyes observing him coolly like a scientist would a new specimen of insect, before initiating greetings with a small wave of her cleaning utensil that got foam and twerp saliva all over his pants and shit, those pants were expensive, so he was much pissed.

The alien creature attempted to say something, but only succeeded in making some gagging sound.

"Salutations." The thing finally struggled out, messily wiping her mouth on her sleeve and swallowing the remains of her toothpaste.

To which Xanxus responded by setting up an expression of disgust and asking why she didn't spit the stuff out. She shrugged and pointed. "The sink is there." She pointed to herself. "I'm here. That's approximately a ten feet distance."

"Your point?"

The brat stared at him strangely before stalking off in a manner that was rather depressing for such a young little human and two minutes later Xanxus' personal bathroom exploded.

Seven and a half minutes later, the Varia gained a Filai; the process being something like this-

"No."

"Xanxus..."

"Piss off, you old shit. You're fucking senile."

"Do it as a favor for your father."

"Go die in a hole. I don't owe any favors to you and I'm not taking care of a snot nosed brat who destroyed half my room." (The place is still leaking sewage, damnit!)

"Come now, don't be so-"

Xanxus, with all the filial piety of the world to his avail, displayed none of it and courteously flipped him off.

The 9th huffed in a way that was not at all dignified as befitting a Mafia boss. He leaned back in his throne like chair, closing his eyes almost as if the decision he was about to make gave him as much pain as a stab to the heart. "Well, if you insist on being so intractable, I suppose I could always cut off our weekly import of high quality Japanese sirloin beef."

But of course, Xanxus loved his beef. All the color drained from his face, and the mere thought of it sent a chill down his spine. He looked at the little brat standing next to the 9th with the flat stare and felt somewhat miserable.

And that was how Filai joined the Varia.

Or not.

All was silent.

Filai didn't know what to say. "Um." She shifted uncomfortably. "Thanks." Hey, I'm already seventeen. You know that, right?

Bel blinked. Or he might have; she couldn't really tell with his hair blocking his eyes, not that she was really dissatisfied with it. He giggled obnoxiously. "I know, Fili. Ushishishi. What's your point?"

Filai decided to ignore the nickname. "Well, how should I put this." I can go to sleep perfectly fine without a bedtime story. So get the hell out of my room please. Besides, why the hell did you just make up something about my own entry into this shithole excuse for a mafia family? That was all bullshit! I DO NOT USE STRAWBERRY FLAVORED TOOTHPASTE!

The prince adjusted his lips into something that resembled a pout to an unnerving degree. Filai skillfuly resisted the urge to run. "I bet Squalo never told you such a good bedtime story." He declared proudly.

"Of course not. That's because he's never told me bedtime stories before in the first place." Thank god for that. Or else he'll be ranting on about his pet whale he had in 9th grade or something.

"Squalo had a pet whale?"

"I saw the photo. Except I think the whale was dead in that picture." She showed it to him.

"Wait." Bel cocked his head and declared. "That's not a whale. That's a whale shark."

"Oh." I knew that. Shut up. Filai did not know that at all, since a member of the Varia hardly dealt with such petty things like pets (Actually, Mammon collects post stamps to sell in the future and Lussuria maintains a flower garden and Squalo frequently requests her help-with his sword- in downloading Final Fantasy ROMS and console emulators onto his laptop and Levi constantly sacrifices small animals like bunnies and squirrels and cute little birdies that chirp songs in the morning to his Xanxus shrine. So you can't really say that members of the Varia hardly dealt with petty things, but pets weren't one of them and that was that)

They said in moody but strangely companion like silence. "Bel?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get out of my room? Before I resort to physical threats that I obviously can't fulfill but give anyways because that's what my mind was programmed to do and whoever the hell created it forgot to put in a self preservation chip? Please?" Bitch. Get out.

In the noisy domain known as Sawada Tsunayoshi's house

Sawada Tsunayoshi stared curiously at his self proclaimed science tutor, who was currently yawning and slouching and doing things that slightly implied she was exhausted out of her wits. "Filai san, you look really tired." He offered, brown doe eyes laced with touching concern. "Are you alright? Maybe you should go home and rest. I...I can finish my homework myself now. Since I kinda get some of the stuff."

"Oh, um. I fine." Filai mumbled darkly, absentmindedly flipping a page to her book. "Just that stupid xxxxx kicking me at, what was it? 4 a.m. in the morning"

The boy suddenly paled. "F-four?" He stammered weakly. "A.M?"

"Waking me up. In bed too."

"IN BED?" Tsuna nearly shrieked in unmitigated horror. "IN BED? IN BED? D-DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE-"

"Who cares about bedtime stories anyways?" She winced. "Jeez, now I had that nightmare about sirloin beef because of him." Still have a freaking bruise where he punched me in the arm. Ow. I guess starting fights with experienced hit men is never a smart thing to do. An image of Bel nursing a split lip came to mind. Meh, it was worth it. Might've done the little fucker's attitude some good.

Meanwhile, Sawada Tsunayoshi was in hysterics. "I-I don't have anything against th-that stuff or anything!" He stuttered, face beet red. "B-but I, uh, oh god..."

There was a soft thud as he fainted. Filai looked down. She lifted an eyebrow. I guess our study session's over for today?

Back at the Varia Base

"Why did the boss let that little twitshit into our squad anyways?" Bel asked, happily chewing on a piece of strawberry toothpaste flavored gum (where the hell did he get that?).

Marmon simply stared at him steadily through his hood before returning to his Walmart receipts (Japan has Walmart? EKAD!). "If you give me all your money stored in your bank account, I might consider dropping a hint or tw-"

The prince spun at him. "Wait, you know?" He demanded and maybe his eye narrowed,but it's rather hard to tell and maybe they even widened, but as it is right now, hidden behind blond bangs, there's not much of a difference.

His infant companion shrugged. "My abilities were necessary for her recruitment process." He answered loftily, though one's voice could only be so grand when it's high and effeminate like a (female) baby's.

Thus Belphagor did what all loving, caring acquaintances of almost one decade did and immediately started grilling him for answers. "Come on, you little greedy douche. Gimme the dirt. Cough it up. Cough it up!"

And was as a result nailed by a blue tentacle.

Marmon was also as a result nailed by a sharp knife.

Levi came into the room. "The boss wants another bottle of-" And was a result nailed by a blue tentacle, a sharp knife, and a piece of chewed up strawberry toothpaste flavored gum.

The latter was what knocked him out of the room.

(Lussuria was walking along, crooning over one soap opera or another and making analogies between said soap opera's characters and himXthe boss-even though the soap opera probably wasn't focused around the impossible relationship between a 90 percent female mafioso and his boss-and was subsequently nailed by a Levi.)

Much later

"Kya." That was monotone, by the way.

"No no. Try it a bit higher. Give it some tone variation. Feeling! Add some feeling of true horror and disgust!"

Filai floundered at the requestion. She imagined octupuses. "Ki-ya."

"No no no NO! That sounds like you're saying some Japanese girl's name." Lussuria nearly wailed, exasperation ringing in his voice. "Try it like this."

Filai instinctively drew back in alarm. Oh please god no. I don't want to-

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

She shivered violently, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. Oh shit, that was disturbing.

Chain reactions were a horrible thing, because just then Squalo came bursting in the room with his trademark voi, long hair waving behind him in a cheerful flurry of white. He scowled darkly, eyes narrowing as he hissed. "What the hell's going on?" And the strange thing was he was actually sounding more bemused than pissed. Wasn't that a first? He stared at Filai. "I've never heard you scream before."

An awkward pause. "Well. About that." That wasn't me.

"What?" Squalo wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Voi, don't give me that bullshit. Who else could have pulled such a high pitched-" Then he spotted the other occupant of the room and thus began to look quite contrite. "Oh."

Lussuria waved with unnatural enthusiasm. "He-llo, Squalo! I was just teaching Fili here how to react properly when confronted with perverts and prostitute recruiters. Don't you think I was doing just a splendid job?" He sang melodically and the other two shuddered.

Filai looked at Squalo. You did come to save me from whatever misfortune you thought I had encountered, right?

"Huh?" He responded intelligently, blinking (also intelligently).

"Why thank you, Squalo. You're such a chivalrous man." She said, voice dripping with something that was not at all sweet. It rather stunk, actually. "Lussuria should really learn from you, shouldn't he? Especially the "man" part. Anyways, let's go." With that said and done, she shoved him out of the room.

"Oh! Don't leave! I still need to teach you how to run away pretti-" The door was slammed in Lussuria's face.

So.

There were times when Filai simply hated everyone's guts because they were so very annoying and idiotic and rude and crazy and bitchy utterly clueless in aspects of life. There were times when Filai simply wanted to drop her 1000+ page textbook over their heads and hear their pain ring throughout the air even though she was kind of weak even for the standards of seventeen year old girl who rarely participated in physically strenuous activities and maybe she wouldn't be able to do much damage anyways. There were times when she wanted to perform numerous tortures on them, like giving them paper cuts and pulling their fingernails out with a pair of tweezers while recording their horrified reactions and putting it online. There were times when-

This time was not one of them. Because Superbia Squalo had just saved her (okay, more like she used him, but who's noticing the difference?) from the diabolical clutches of some perverted gayass with a stupid green Mohawk and that deserved at least something other than an attack of dark evil mind auras.

I love you Squalo. Never leave me. EVER. Let's get married today. You can threaten a bishop or something around here, even though it's Japan, right? I'll make a ring out of tin foil or something. Marmon could be the flower girl, right? Right? And the Boss could be the, no. He could be the flower girl instead! It's perfect! So let's get married!

Squalo, being the retard he was, blinked again. "Huh?"

And that was how love blossomed in the Varia-

Bedtime story end

Filai spat out her coffee on the last line. Suddenly a mental image of Squalo in a wedding dress with a pretty red rose in his hair and a predatory grin came to mind. "Bel. That's really-really...gross."CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TELLING ME BEDTIME STORIES? I'M BEGGING YOU!

Bel giggled. Then he began to experience a small case of deja vu and dutifully ignored it. "Say, why do you drink coffee before you go to sleep anyways?"

"Don't change the subject."

The next day Filai couldn't look Squalo in the eye without paling and immediately rushing for the nearest bathroom. Xanxus later passed by said bathroom and heard her throwing up in the toilet. He snorted and walked on with the assumption that-well, not so nice assumptions, and let's just leave it at that.

M-must purge horribly disturbing images. I know! Think happy thoughts! Um. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. It's working!

"Fili!" Lussuria burst into the bathroom (without even knocking!), waving a ladle and attired in the apron that now proudly bore KISS THE GAY COOK (okay, the GAY was actually written in a sort of handwriting that looked suspiciously like Xanxus had carefully, yet miserably tried to forge something in Filai's handwriting. With permanant marker). "I'm going to try and make shark stew today! Is that alright with you?"

The look she sent him was simply withering. "I hate you." Go fuck yourself.

"Oh? Did I say something wrong?" Then he simply looked understanding. "Ah, I see. Fifi. It's that time of the month again, isn't it?"

Nobody could blame Filai when she then shoved the pervert's head down the toilet. And made sure it stayed there, with the help of a plunger.

("That was last week." Bel whispered as he and everyone else aside from Xanxus peeked through the entrance. "Voi. How the hell do you know that?" "Shishishi." The prince looked quite smug and that was quite something considering how the little bitch was ALWAYS smug. His fellow eavesdroppers expressed their congratulations by hitting him on the head. "THAT'S NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF!")

Then Xanxus came back and blew the whole place up because he had just belatedly realized that the bathroom that Filai was using was his and that's just too objectionable a concept.

Namimori Middle School

Tsuna saw his science score and his jaw promptly fell open.

Yamamoto, seeing his short friend's seemingly terrified reaction, put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Blew it again, Tsuna?" He grinned cheerfully. "It's alright! There's always next time. 'Sides, I didn't do that great either. You don't have to feel so-"

"Don't compare yourself to the Tenth, Baseball Nut." Gokudera snapped viciously, slapping said baseball nut's hand off of Tsuna's shoulder. "Juudaime's mentality is ten times sharper than your pathetic excuse for a brain." He quickly hid his test paper with the big fat 100 on the surface behind his back. "What'd you get, huh?"

Sheepishly, Yamamoto showed him the messy 80% scrawled on his sheet, along with teacher's comments of Good job. You're improving.

The other boy's expression was a mixture of triumph and disappointment. "Hmph, guess it's obvious who's better suited to be the Tenth's right hand man." He smirked, before hurriedly adding. "Don't get cocky though, just because you beat the Tenth."

"I wasn't-"

"What'd you get, Boss? Hey, it's alright if it's low. You cannot be blamed since you must be worried about the welfare of the family." Gokudera's expression darkened. "Ever since that long haired freak showed up. I swear, Juudaime. The next time I see that bastard I'll stuff dynamite down his guts and blow him straight to fucking Kingdom Co-" He caught sight of Tsuna's test score and the muscles in his face slackened in shock.

Peering curiously at the two of his dumbstruck friends, Yamamoto laughed nervously. "Hey now, is Tsuna's score that bad? I mean, he did get a zero before. Right? So it can't be that big of a-" He spotted Tsuna's paper and blinked. Then laughed happily. "Wow, Tsuna! Congratulations. You got such a high score!"

Nodding weakly, Tsuna rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. When he opened them, the 78 was still there, along with teacher comments of CONGRATULATIONS, SAWADA KUN! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! PLEASE KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! Along with other miscellaneous things, but that's not especially important to relate.

Gokudera Hayato was in tears. He nearly choked on his spit as he clasped Tsuna's hand. "J-Juudaime." He sobbed while other students who overheard their conversation whispered to each other.. "That seventy eight percent clearly reflects the determination and hard work you have put into your school work." He sniveled somewhat pathetically. "I-I have never been prouder of being your right hand man, Tenth!"

'No way, No Good Tsuna got a 78? A 78?'

'Wow, can't believe it. Didn't he get a twenty nine on the last exam? Ya think he cheated or something?'

'Nah, he'd never have the guts to do that. But seriously'

'Oh my god! I was beaten by No Good Tsuna? That's so degrading!'

Unfortunately, that last speaker was caught by a certain Gokudera Hayato and then immediately subjected to a round of radioactively relevant torture.

"Isn't it great, Tsuna?" Yamamoto swung a cheerful arm around the spiky haired boy's shoulder. "You're a genius, I tell you!"

Tsuna smiled weakly.

After school (in a park in the middle of nowhere)

No way, the brats multiplied? Oh my god, is this the result of breeding? Holy shit, holy shit, holy SHIT. Is Tsunayoshi kun asexual or something? He's not human? Oh my god, this is so unnervingly weird! "Oh, so you brought your friends too, Tsunayoshi kun?"

Sawada Tsunayoshi laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. Behind him, two boys with very opposite expressions looked at her curiously. The shorter one was actually glaring at her, but what's the big difference? "I thought I'd find you here. Um. Do you always stay here, Filai san?"

"Yes, I find it relaxing." Filai excused quietly. It's a PUBLIC park. Got a problem with it, Shortie?

Innocently unaware of the mental connotation, Tsunayoshi kept on smiling cutely and stupidly. "Oh, um. This is Gokudera kun." The one who looked like he swallowed a bug gave a small grunt. "And this is Yamamoto."

The cluelessly happy one with the sports bag waved. "Yo, nice to meet you!"

Filai stared at them tonelessly before shrugging and turning back to her book. "A pleasure." She said shortly.

It was reflexes; that was the only explanation in the world that could have worked without defying the laws of physics and relativity and a bunch of other bullshit that kept her from jumping off a cliff and not dying. How else could Gokudera have reacted that fast? He seized her by the coat collar, glaring daggers that could probably have killed her. My oh my, if looks could kill.

(She wasn't especially perturbed by this because there was also the fact that Xanxus' glares HAVE killed people. Heart attacks, usually, though sometimes she couldn't quite help but wonder if there was something else to it)

"How dare you address the Tenth in such a rude manner!" He yelled straight in her somewhat startled face, spit flying in odd directions that did not at all come into contact with her because her semi invisible dark aura prevents things like that. "Get down on your knees and apologize!"

"Ex...cuse me?" Are you high?

"You heard me, Woman! Don't play deaf! Go apologize until Juudaime forgives you!"

Tsunayoshi and Yamamoto jumped to pull their short tempered friend back. "Wait a moment, Gokudera kun!" Tsuna stammered, struggling to keep him at bay. "I just wanted you to meet Filai san! She was one who helped me study on the test! I owe her a lot, you know!"

Gokudera stopped, immediately blanched as he let go of her coat. "O...oh...Is that so?" He gulped, then gave a quick glance at Filai, who was still a bit surprised at the sudden assault. She was dusting her clothes off. "Well. I-I didn't know or anything. I thought-" He faltered.

"Come on now, Gokudera." Yamamoto offered good naturedly, though not without a touch of sternness in his voice. "Just apologize."

He shot the taller boy another nasty glare before heaving a sigh. "Sorry." He mumbled, not even looking at her.

No response. Filai gave him a queer look. "It's fine, I suppose." She finally answered, deadpan.

"Yeah? Then why did you look at me funny?" He snapped, ignoring his friends' attempts to calm him down.

A shrug. "Nothing. I just don't receive apologies that often." Because my colleagues are barbaric madmen who do not follow proper etiquette. They're about as polite as cavemen. And some of them look like it too, as a matter of fact.

They pestered her for details, but she ignored them. "So I heard you say you got a good score on your science test, am I correct?"

Smiling brightly, Tsunayoshi showed her the 78 on his test document. He looked so proud. "It's my highest test score I've ever gotten." He proclaimed.

Filai raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?" You're an idiot, aren't you?

The smile slid downwards and Yamamoto had to begin restraining Gokudera again. Tsunayoshi reddened. "W-well. I'm not that good at anything. So-" He said dejectedly. "Mom might be happy though."

"That's nice." Hey, as long as the mom's happy.

"You're not that happy, huh?" Tsunayoshi asked sadly, and then made a face. "Actually, you're NEVER happy. You never smile at all."

"Really?" Yamamoto actually had genuine concern for someone he just met five minutes ago. Yep, he's a dolt. "That's not good. You need to smile more, Filai." He grinned, as if to show off his excellent smiling skills.

Filai nearly quailed on the idea. "I think I'll pass." She excused. "You see, it takes too much effort to smile, as opposed to frowning. I don't really like to spare any effort unless absolutely necessary. You can call it a policy."

"More effort? How?"

She tossed a random apple in their general direction. It landed weakly on Gokudera's head. "For one thing, isn't smiling going against gravity?" She pointed out, watching in amusement as Gokudera threw the apple on the ground in a fit of bad sportsmanship. "Since it goes," She jerked a finger towards the sky. "Up."

That was possibly the weirdest logic ever. And the thing was it actually kinda made sense.

An infant decked in a mafia suit and hat observed the scene from within a nearby tree. He sipped his cappuccino. "Hm, I should thank that girl. Shouldn't I, Leon?" The chameleon on the top of his hat nodded in agreement.

"Hm, that dinner was nice." Filai sighed, walking into the Varia's personalized hotel. "I should eat out more. It's so much more peaceful. Though I could do with a cappuccino right now."

As Filai went in, Marmon, Bel, Squalo, Lussuria, and Xanxus went OUT. Gola Mosca followed ominously. It seriously acted like it had breathing issues. All that steam it was emitting through its gas mask couldn't be healthy. "We're leaving." Squalo said shortly, hair waving prettily behind him as he passed her. "Fucking Levi went to find the other side's Thunder Guardian first. Move your ass."

"Pardon me?" Huh?

They all disappeared in a flash, as highly demoniacally professional hitmen were prone to do. Filai stared at empty space for almost a minute before she realized that they had ditched her. "Now wasn't that just rude..." Then. I CAN'T GO THAT FAST! I'M JUST A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO PARTAKES IN LITTLE TO NO STRENUOUS PHYSICAL EXERCISE!

No answer.

She sighed and kicked a nearby pebble in defeat. She injured her foot. "I hate them."

A/N: What next? Will Filai meet Tsuna as a true Varia core member and shatter their painstakingly created friendship? Will she be able to make it at all to the scary first meeting between Xanxus and Tsuna? Will Squalo not be a bitch and actually come back for her and confess his love? (Just to tell you now, not a chance)

But seriously, no SqualoXFilai interaction aside from that stupid story Bel kindly provided. Do not fear! It will all come in due time (evil laugh). And for people who have read my other OC story, Mori will not be appearing because then that would upset some things and I prefer to keep characters separate if at all possible.

Anyways, opinions are welcome! Especially asking if all the canon characters are not OOC, because if it is then I would have to first purify myself in the blood of one animal or another and then re-edit the whole thing. You know the usual process.