well, it's not much better, but it's not as gloomy. and actually, it's getting close to being like, "YES!" but not quite what you think. that's still a ways away.

point is, here's another chapter. :) the night's still young (not even 6) so if i get a review, i'll put the next chapter. :)

...moral to that short rant? read it, enjoy it, and review it. thanks! :D

11. Last to Know: Three Days Grace
12. Cold As You: Taylor Swift

Seth and Embry were the next two to come, thankfully. Since Embry is sixteen too, he drove them both there.

It was depressing to see how intact the dynamic duo was. They still consider it the dynamic trio, but I can't seem to see it.

You want to feel happy. You want to smile without it being forced. You want to laugh sincerely. You hate the pain depression brings—hate it. You hate acting happy so no one will see how you really feel on the inside.

Yet you can't help it. You still have to try.

I wasn't even sure when Charlie got there, or any of Bella's friends. I was in my room with Seth and Embry, so none of that even occurred to me. At some point, Charlie brought us our pizza, but that was the only reason I knew he was even home.

We were talking, and they were trying to force me to smile. Right now, they've been completely unsuccessful, but they're stubborn little terds, in case you didn't already know.

"C'mon, Mayzie-pop" Embry pleaded. "Smile! Cheer up!"

"I can't," I muttered, shaking my head firmly as I continued to pet Auggie, who was laying in my lap and doing her best to cheer me up. "You can't smile without a heart."

"Sure you can," Seth disagreed as he sat beside me on the bed while frowning at me, obviously not liking my statement. He put an index finger on each corner of my lip and forced my lips into a smile. "See?"

I leaned away from him and gave them the teeniest little hint of a smile. The corners of my lips pulled up just the slightest bit, but it wasn't even a smile. It was more like a grimace.

It was an effort, though.

"Not truly. I don't like faking smiles unless I have to for a lie."

"You've gotten really good at lying," Embry observed, sighing. "Maybe you should lie a little. Charlie called when he was going to get the pizzas. He's really worried about you. He seems to think you're getting suicidal." Then, he frowned at me. "And, he also asked me about the fight you and Bella got in right before he left. Did you purposely tell him we're werewolves?"

"I didn't say you were," I said innocently, hugging Pookie close to me for comfort. Auggie had decided to go to sleep, so I was leaving her alone. "I just said that Jacob is, after Bella, being the idiot she is, told him E . . . ." I stopped myself instantly before looking down. "She told him about him."

Embry and Seth exchanged a pained look before they both looked back at me.

"Mayze," Seth said gently, voice almost a whisper and choked with a heartbreaking pain. "You need to trust yourself."

For a second, I gazed up at them, unsure of what they were seeing. Were they seeing that broken girl, that girl that I saw in the mirror? Or were they still seeing just a depressed version of Mayze? She was such a foreign concept, it seemed, and the girl in the mirror was becoming so real, so normal.

Besides Charlie, those were the only two still here I cared about what they thought of me, how they viewed me.

I stood up and walked over to the computer after a minute, avoiding looking either of them in the eye as I did so. What they didn't understand was that there was no trusting myself anymore. I couldn't. So, I told them that.

"Guys, I can't."

"Why not?" Seth demanded, his teeth tightening a little. "What does this have to do with your faith in yourself?"

I turned the computer on before swiftly turning back to him. I knew my eyes were crushed, because I didn't put the usual wall up. Why bother with these two? They can see right past it, differently than anyone else—besides . . . names we won't mention.

"All my life, I thought I was a human lie detector," I explained, voice raspy and hoarse. For some reason, preparing myself for a long speech did this now, even though I used to talk a lot all the time. "All of my life I've thought of myself as the human lie detector. I can always tell, whether I know them or not, if they're telling the truth or lying. Every time he said he loved me, I thought it was sincerely."

I could feel the tears coming back. But, I knew if I cried, I wouldn't be able to stop for a while. The computer was already loaded, so I turned away from them and logged onto the Internet.

"But, I read him all wrong."

"So, you don't trust yourself?" Embry asked disbelievingly. "Mayze, I love you, but that's just stupid. Did the thought that maybe he was lying ever occur to you?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "And, that's what I thought for a while, until, four months passed and there has been no sign of him. Emmett told me that he was lying to protect me, but I haven't heard from him either. He promised he would be back. There's no other explanation."

"Well, there wouldn't be," Seth pointed out before they exchanged another glance, almost as if they were deciding if he should go on. "I mean, if you have been right your entire life, which is most likely the way it is, then he is lying, and he's making sure not to show any sign to give him away."

"He's smart," Embry sighed. "And, he wouldn't want this from you, whether he loves you or not. You need to be happy . . . move on. And I don't mean move on with someone you used to care about either. Find someone new, someone you're able to grow a new interest in."

"And as for Emmett," Seth added on, shrugging. "Maybe he's trying to work things out. Did you ever think of that? Maybe he lost his phone or something. There's an endless amount of possibilities, Mayze. Remember that."

I logged on to my playlist without a word. I didn't look at them, and I didn't make a sound. I just clicked, without going to my profile—dashboard, sorry—or looking at my picture, on the link that led to my playlists, even if it meant more clicking and more time.

On my dashboard, he was one of the friends, along with his family. My picture was a picture of me and him, and his picture was . . . or it had been one of me and him, but a different one. I was afraid to look though. If it was still that one, it meant he hadn't logged on in a while. If it wasn't, that just proved that he doesn't love me anymore.

Unless . . . .

I shook the thought out instantly. There was no way I was gonna let myself get hurt again. I wasn't going to let myself believe the lie anymore. I wasn't a human lie detector, and, as much as I wish he did, Edward doesn't love me.

"Yeah, well, guys," I finally said as the song Forever & Always by Taylor Swift, the piano version, came on. I scoffed. "Funny how it all works out, right? One minute you think you'll be with someone forever, or until you die anyways, and the next, he's only God knows where, and you've heard nothing from him. Hell; you don't even know if he's happy, sad, or completely miserable."

There were so many songs that represented my life now. I still, after all this time, can't believe how swiftly things changed. They go from perfect to great in a week and then from great to absolutely horrible in a day.

In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside. People who really don't care ask me how I feel, and I lie convincingly, 'cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night and turn down all the lights, and then I break down and cry.

I can't go on like this much longer, but I can't kill myself.

What now?