A/N: ~evil maniacal laugh of utter doom~ I'M BACK!!! COWER IN FEAR, MORTALS!! (gets shot). Anyways, I PUT INTERACTION! I'M AMAZING!!!! BOW BEFORE ME! (shot again). E...enjoy. And...Katekyo Hitman Reborn...i...isn't mine (dies).
(Okay, I totally should be working on other stories right now, but I'm LAZY. And I was gonna post this chapter later, but it's already done and I figured I should put something, at the very least. X_x)
Chapter 2
Remember that one time when I said Filai broke Lussuria's fingers when protecting her coffee?
Yeah. I lied.
Alright, it's not ENTIRELY a lie; wasn't even Lussuria's fault in the first place. It actually went along something like: In an attempt to protect her coffee which was currently being swiped by Bel, Filai threw her food into his face and the thing was her aim wasn't the most terrible one in the world. The said food was still rather hot-still steaming- and easily knocked him over.
Bel crashed into Levi, who in a fit of chain reactionary horror attempted to skewer him with an umbrella. But unlike Filai, Levi did NOT have as good an aim and accidentally sliced off a few strands of Squalo's hair.
Yes. Squalo's hair. As in, the strawberry shampoo reeking, long, girly hair that Superbia Squalo used as a symbol of his mad devotion to his equally mad boss. As in, the hair that he got up every morning at four a.m to take care of for a gazillion hours and spent four more hours at night to carefully arrange so he'll wake up still with such pretty hair and not have to spend a gazillion more hours in addition.
As in, his hair.
As in, SQUALO'S hair.
And that very precise moment was when all hell broke loose.
*
So in the aftermath, Lussuria got two broken fingers. His first two broken fingers.
And if you must absolutely know, Belphagor was condemned to the hospital for almost two months, Levi had to take therapy sessions for twice that amount of time, and Marmon threw away his "HIT THE SHARK WITH A FORK" arcade game that he had forced Filai on pain of tentacle murder to make for him.
Xanxus had been sitting in his chair, all god like as he had a habit of doing, and enjoying the whole thing.
But really, Lussuria's injury (fine, aside from Squalo's hair) was the only one worth mentioning. He couldn't cook for a long time and eating restaurant food isn't exactly what one would call healthy.
So yeah. Maybe it was her fault, but don't assume she could break the bones of anyone in the Varia with her bare hands. She could probably do so with an ax or a machete, but that's providing if she could lift that sort of weapon up at all.
THE POINT OF THIS STORY IS:
Don't touch Squalo's hair. Unless you want to die. Actually, don't do that even then. Because he probably won't kill you. He'll torture you in color ways and then disfigure/disable/both you for life and then let you go rot in a worm infested hole in the middle of fuckshit nowhere which happened to be crawling with land resilient sharks even though that's technically a biological impossibility but that guy always defies biological impossibilities so don't except the laws of nature to come saving your sorry ass. Because chances are, it won't.
THEN you'll be crying.
THE REAL POINT OF THE STORY IS:
Filai was not strong at all, physically speaking. It wasn't the matter of "I'm sorry, I can't run fifty miles without stop in under twenty minutes, but I can probably run forty nine if I tried my hardest", but more like "I'm not sorry at all, but I can't possibly run for one minute without stop and the most I could carry using both arms is around fifteen pounds. So please don't bother with me when seeking a labor slave".
Therefore, it took about one minute and thirty nine seconds for Filai to run out of breath and that was just kinda embarrassing, but she was used to failing physical education in school anyways and made do with as little complaint as possible. Which still wasn't saying much.
I....I don't get ho...how those people do this kind of thing for a living. She panted miserably; scooted somewhere on the side of the road so she could catch her breath and not get hit by a truck. Waving a giant sword around all day, chasing each other with knives, dancing the salsa..
She looked up in the sky and frowned even more than she already was. "It's getting dark."
A momentary pause. "That's not good. Ninety percent chance that I will lose my way before I find them." Stupid bitches of coworkers. SHOW SOME SYMPATHY!
And shit, she had better find them fast.
Squalo suddenly noticed that they were missing someone.
So while Xanxus spewed death related shit and threatened a fourteen year old shrimp with his glowing hands of utter demise that could possibly wipe a city off the face of the local map, Superbia Squalo bemusedly attempted to figure out who was absent at such important a time.
Headcount:
Gay Housewife that's not a Girl but makes pretty tasty chocolate muffins either way (Lussuria): Check
Shady, hooded Brat with the really gross snot maps and tissue-phobia because why not use that instead of printing paper? It's softer! (Marmon): Check
Prince Complexed Prince with Pretty and possibly false teeth (Bel): Check (GASP! HOW COULD YOU THINK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SQUALO!?)
Boss Complexed and a rather underdeveloped specimen of Homo Sapien (Levi): Check
Giant Lump of Metal that might have Asthma judging from all its heavy breathing (Gola Mosca): Check
Fucking Boss (Fucking Xanxus, the Bitch): Check
(Somewhere in the same dimension, a really physically pathetic girl ran out of breath for the seventh time in four minutes)
They were all here, but there were supposed to be SEVEN guardians. SEVEN. He could only see six! There had to be someone missing, but Squalo couldn't figure out who and it was really getting on his nerve. He let out an annoyed growl and Levi shot him a dirty look. "Don't interrupt the Boss."
"He's not even speaking!" Squalo snapped viciously and yelped in pain as another glass of beer made contact with his head and what the fuck, Xanxus didn't even turn around but the swordsman could feel evil killing intent that was seemingly bent on strangling him and that just wasn't at all pleasant an experience.
(Somewhere in the same dimension, a nameless girl in a mafia assassination squad uniform was wishing she had more caring coworkers. And a cup of tea. The former more so, for once)
But then again, maybe that blow unhinged something in his head because then and there came to him. He knew why there were only six guardians. In fact, now that he knew it, Squalo just had to cringe in horror despite his unbearable pride because that was quite painfully obvious.
He had forgotten to count himself.
(Somewhere in the same dimension, a textbook obsessed girl cursed her uncaring colleagues via creepy telepathic methods)
Squalo sullenly glared at the crowd of middle school kiddies who were at the moment being intimidated by his bastard of a boss.
Sawada Tsunayoshi whimpered.
In other, technical terms, Superbia Squalo was an idiot.
(Between you and me, everyone else remembered that Filai was missing. They just didn't care enough to mention it)
Where are those stupid bastards? Namimori isn't THAT big of a city.
That was when Filai tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, and that really hurt because she had probably just skinned her knee or something and she was tired and in dire need of some soda or coffee and she still had to study for her biology test and right now her textbook wasn't even with her and even if it were she couldn't have studied because it was so dark right now and the street lights weren't that bright and her knee was in dire pain and her life sucked horribly and-
"Filai san?"
Oh, it was Tsunayoshi and company. Filai stared. Holy crap. They ARE breeding! Since when were there so many kids?!
Tsunayoshi was looking quite traumatized due to some reason that was unknown and uncared for by her, but he was a sweet little kid and nevertheless offered her a shaky smile. Gokudera shot her a nasty look and Yamamoto waved cheerfully. A baby in a black suit stared at her intently and his pet chameleon did so as well. Synchronized babies and lizards. Sheesh, next thing you know, Tsunayoshi kun will be flying in the air with a pair of oven mittens and Marmon'll be pawned by a pineapple haired little girl who turns into so batshit crazy middle school nut with mismatched eyes. Ahaha, I crack myself up.
"Um...so what are you doing here so late?"
Filai pushed herself into standing position, albeit with some difficulty, and brushed off the seat of her pants. "I'm trying to find my boss. And my fellow workers." She answered, sadly, almost. "They went to a meeting without me." But then again, it was only with some middle school kids. How much could I have missed? Hell, maybe the Boss already fried and ate them, then we can be on our way back to Italy right on time for my test.
Gokudera snorted. "They ditched you?"
"Quite blunt and to the point, are you? But yes, that is essentially what happened."
"That sucks!" One of their fellow twits declared, shoving a bandaged fist in the air. Volume wise, his voice was almost on par was Squalo's and Filai mentally shuddered at the comparison. "TO THE EXTREME!"
After attempting to calm this boy who he addressed as Oniisan (That means Big Brother, doesn't it? They certainly do not resemble each other in the least), Tsunayoshi turned to Filai. "Um, can you tell us what they look like?"
A momentary pause. Filai frowned, eyebrows furrowing in thought. "Well, they all have distinct appearances. I guess you'd remember them if you noticed. Okay. One of them looks like they got thrown in a blender and had his remains frozen in non melting ice for a couple years (Xanxus). One of them looks like a porn magazine model (Squalo). One of them looks like some kind of a caveman gangster with piercings at odd areas (Levi). One of them looks like he hasn't aged for most of his life (Mammon). One of them looks like some twisted princess who spends all her money on dentist bills rather than frilly clothes and whatnot (Bel). One of them looks like some shady cross between a housewife, a circus clown, and a peacock (Lussuria)And....I think the last one just looks like a lump of metal with a mask (Gola Mosca, MY BEST FRIEND!!!)."
Another pause. "Did that help?"
In the meanwhile, Tsunayoshi was trying and failing to make some kind of identifiable noise. His friends were likewise performing similar sorts of actions. The chameleon possessing infant being an exception. "Sorry. We didn't see anyone like that." He apologized in a squeaky tone. He smiled deviously. "So you're Filai, aren't you?"
"Quite so."
With remarkable athletic ability, he hopped onto one of the walls separating residential area and the sidewalk. He stuck out a tiny hand. "My name is Reborn. I'm Tsuna's tutor."
Am I supposed to shake it or something? She tentatively did so with her thumb and two other fingers and found that she didn't even have to budge her wrist. Reborn did the shaking part, with more strength than she expected from a little kid. "...Pleasure's mine, I guess." I also guess Marmon's not the only one year old genius around here after all.
"I've been wanting to meet you for quite a while now." Reborn began, ever the conversationalist that she didn't know he was. "I'm quite impressed at your knowledge in science."
"Excuse me?"
"You were the one who taught Tsuna, were you not? For a student who usually gets zeros on his tests to have such a high score, it's rather amazing, isn't it?"
Filai, being the kind and sweet and totally sister figure she was, did not respond to the compliment and instead opted for staring at Tsunayoshi in semi disbelief, mostly blankness. ".....zeros?"
Tsunayoshi turned an interesting shade of red. "R...Reborn!" He spluttered, completely embarrassed.
Reborn ignored him. "Yep. He's so pathetic that all his classmates have found it fit to give him the nickname No Good Tsuna."
"Isn't it impossible to get zeros?"
"Obviously not, for the majority of Tsuna's test scores are made up of them."
Another blank look. But being arrogant wasn't going to get her anywhere in life unless it was with the Varia and that was simply because she might be smarter than them. It wasn't exactly her business anyways. Filai shrugged disinterestedly. "Well, in any case, I'm glad I could help." Zeros. Wow. Just...wow.
Smile widening, Reborn nodded.
"Anyways, I'm guessing that my boss and the others would be back by the hotel now. So I should be going."
Sawada Tsunayoshi was such a nice, sweet, adorable child. His once embarrassed expression quickly turned into one of genuine concern and Filai, being a creature of the dark (metaphorically) almost reflexively turned away from the sparkles of good will that radiated from his person like ultraviolet light waves emitted from the sun. She was sensitive to those kinds of things. My eyes. MY EYES.
"Um, Filai san. You'll be alright, right?"
Ow ow ow ow ow. His smile. It burns, god damn it! My pupils don't dilate easily! Please don't blind me! I'm too young. "Of course. What makes you think otherwise?"
He shifted nervously. "Well, it's just-I haven't really heard you say that much good stuff about your boss before. I'm just wondering, he's not like-hurting you or anything, right?"
"He broke half my bones before and cracked my skull once. He also abuses me both verbally and physically every day, especially when nobody else is around to kill."
"That's terrible!" This time, it was Yamamoto who said it, face also laced with similar concerns for her well being that really was painful to look at.
ARG! BEING ATTACKED BY LITTLE BRATS EMITTING UNADULTERATED ALTRUISM!!! Show some mercy!!!!
"You should get a new job." the Oniisan yelled, still shaking his fist in the air. "TO THE EXTREME!"
Filai, not exactly used to being cared for, was now being partially suffocated from the power of happy and niceness that was eroding her protection barriers of undilated pessimism and depression. Her eyes hurt. "W...well...I-I don't really want to-" Life-life power's fading.
"Eh? Why not, Filai neesan?" A small ten year old-ish boy with brown hair asked, the tip of a scarf and a gigantic book dangling precariously from inside his jacket that strangely enough, did not stick out at odd places despite the many large items it seemingly contained. And why did he call her neesan? She wasn't his sister! She had never even seen the kid before! And the niceness was really killing her now. "You shouldn't have to be with such mean people, right?"
She swallowed, hard, and forced a disinterested shake of the head. "Well-you see, I have a-unique relationship with him. It-It's complicated."
Gokudera snorted, lighting up a cigarette. "I bet the stupid woman's just too scared." He grouched out, puffing on his cancer inducing treat and messily spitting out horrible smelling smoke. Two babies that were not Reborn were busy crying and yelling.
"Excuse me, I highly resent that comment." She protested, though not loudly enough to be heard as she was still trying to edge away from the pure aura that really was overpowering her not so pure one without appearing rude. Gokudera's negative energy felt nice. Like sunshine! (the irony, anyone?)
Tsuna fixed his eyes on her with the cutest, nicest, most determined gaze that a fourteen year old with shitty grades and shitty pretty much everything could possibly muster. "It's alright, Filai san." He spoke with some surprising degree of confidence. Filai merely blinked. "We'll help you."
Pause.
"Thanks?" She was now officially lost. "And why would you do that?"
"Of course we'll help you!" Yamamoto laughed cheerfully, clapping a friendly hand on her shoulder. "We're friends, right? Friends help each other."
LOST. LOST. COMPLETELY LOST. "Friends." Filai repeated, confused. "We're friends..."
"Yeah!" The baseball fanatic confirmed with a grin. Tsuna nodded shyly and Gokudera grunted something.
The Oniisan looked from one person to another and yelled. "I DON'T GET WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT WE'RE COMRADES! TO THE EXTREME!"
Now Filai was just at loss for words. She opened her mouth, perhaps to say something, but nothing came out. Closed it again. Stood there looking completely bewildered. Friends, they said? "Well..." She finally managed to struggle out. "I mean, thanks for the concern and everything. But-I don't...you see. I don't really-I'm not that-well-unhappy with my...job. I don't really have anything against my boss or anything. He's not THAT bad." Especially if he didn't have any alcohol within the last five hours.
"Not bad?!" Now Tsunayoshi was sounding rather hysterical. "He-he hurts you! That's a horrible way of treating employees! How could you stand such treatment and not blame him for anything?"
Reborn continued to observe silently, a small proud smirk playing on his lips. Must be because of his student's display of pure white altruism or something.
Though Tsunayoshi did have a point.
I COULD just quit, couldn't I? I won't have to deal with alcohol being thrown at me, or being woken up at three in the morning because Squalo had fallen out of his bed and was screaming profanity at the top of his lungs (his room's right next to mine, for god sakes! Why is EVERYTHING with him right next to me?) or Bel throwing perverted jokes at me or Marmon calling me an idiot or Lussuria trying to get me in girl's clothes or Levi glaring at me every time I talk to the Boss.
Why shouldn't she quit, huh?
Just for the fewest of seconds, Filai imagined a life without having to live in a mansion full of maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions.
Pause.
Pause. Pause.
Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.
Pause.
That was possibly the ugliest thoughts she had ever had the unfortunate chance of thinking.
And as to why. That was a bit trickier to answer. "I don't know how I could stand his treatment and not blame him for anything." Filai mused, slowly, curiously, out loud, effectively ignoring the fact that she was at the center of attention. "Boss is quite a spiteful sort of person."
"Exactly, so you should just-"
"But I guess." She finally said, breaking out of her train of thought. "I love him."
A most awkward silence. Then, before anyone could react.
"But not like that."
The tension dissipated easily after that short remark. They all let out a shaky, relieved sigh. Tsunayoshi's legs seemed to have nearly given out.
"It's a platonic love."
"That." Gokudera stated, deadpan. "Is a contradiction of words."
Filai frowned. "Well, maybe that isn't the best way to appropriately convey my thoughts." She admitted grudgingly. "Let me try again...." Another brief moment of silence. "Sibling love?"
"That's slightly better." Confirmed Reborn, looking satisfied at the new response. "Older or younger?"
"Younger, most definitely." She muttered. Well, he's actually older than me by seven years. But that's not the point. He's horribly immature. Spoiled, actually. Besides, those temper bursts of him are somewhat resembling tantrums anyways."It's fine. He won't kill me." Unless he's in a bad mood. But usually I could stay away from him during those times. If not, I bring a Bel or Lussuria along. They can make it out alive. "Well. He's...cute. Sometimes."
And that term was used to describe not only a fully grown man, but a fully grown man with combustive hands, firearms, evil glare that could kill even if looks couldn't kill, and fanatical boss complexed subordinates?
Tsunayoshi's mouth curved a small O shape. He shifted nervously, the very image of defeat and relief all shoved together in one nice, neat packet of pathetic middle schooler. "Well, if you really mean it." He said, sincerely, and Filai tried her best not to flinch.
The NICENESS! IT BURNS! GOD FUCK IT!
Then it occurred to her. Of course she couldn't survive without the Varia. Xanxus aside, Filai couldn't possibly survive without being force fed creepy, dark, evil, murderous auras that her fellow Varians (made up term) possessed in more subtle forms. It was essential to her health. One day of Tsunayoshi's bright concern could get her killed in the most gruesome way possible.
(Since, theoretically, a "creature of darkness" could not possibly get along with "creatures of light". So she reasoned, that is.)
"Thank you for your concern, Tsunayoshi kun. And company." She added the last bit, delivering a sweeping glance at his friends. "I'm perfectly fine with my current lifestyle. But I am touched by all your actions of kindness towards me. It's quite an honor to be officially known as your friend." Alright, it's not. Gola Mosca's better than this. He doesn't kill me with optimistic energy. .
"You shouldn't use polite terms with friends! To the extreme!" The Oniisan yelled.
"You'll have to excuse him." Reborn noted. "Ryohei's quite a hot headed character."
He'd get along with Lussuria. Too bad I can never let them meet. Lussuria will probably try and add him to his corpse collection. "Not at all. I'm perfectly used to such company." Now... "Do you know where we are, by any chance? I'm lost."
The first thing that came to Superbia Squalo's mind when Filai came in through the hotel lobby was something that went along the lines of Oh. So that's who I forgot.
Said thought was immediately replaced by "Voi! What the fuck happened to you? You look wasted."
Indeed she did. "D...dark energy..."
"What?"
"I've been attacked." Filai's voice was as flat as ever, despite the fact that she looked like she had just been assaulted by a bunch of goody goody happy and cheerfully nice mind waves, because everyone in the Varia knew that was, among many other things, her most crushing weakness.
Again, Filai was more sensitive to those sorts of stuffs.
She sighed. "You're murderous aura feels so much better." More than those stupid twerps. Nearly killed me. She mumbled drearily, stumbling over thin air as she shakily walked up to him. I...I need to recover. "So what happened? Did the meeting go well?"
He scowled. "Fucking Iemitsu showed up. 9Th's order. We're going to have to battle one on one with the shitty brats."
She didn't know who Iemitsu is. She didn't give half a shit about the 9th's order. She really hated the fact that there was fighting involved. Filai rubbed the bridge of her nose, pursing her lips in a frown. She could dimly feel a headache coming.
"I hate my life." Looking up, Filai blinked at Squalo, who blinked back. Another sigh. "Your dark aura feels nice. Can I stay in your room for the night?" Say no and I will perform evil, painful things on you.
Squalo was slow on these things. "Wha...?"
Unfortunately, half witted responses were not a good thing to use when answering Filai's questions. Ambiguity was something of a talent for her, after all. " It's settled. I'm sleeping with you tonight. You're nice, Squalo." Fwahahahahaha.
Even with Filai's monotone voice, that sounded terribly wrong. Somewhere deep in his evil, twisty black heart, Squalo banged his head against the wall.
Actually, he did that in reality too. So never mind.
"Voi. You don't know what you just implied, did you." That was more a statement than an inquiry.
"I see no use in implications when a straightforward request achieves no less a result." No I don't know. But I know YOU perfectly well, so I'm willing to bet it's something perverted. Don't tell me. "But you won't refuse, right?"
He could refuse, actually. But he tried that once, a long time ago (AKA a week and two days ago), when the poor girl had returned home after being bombarded by the goodwills of a bunch of teenage girls from her school and needed evil energy recuperation. And Filai, with her voice which coincidentally lacked a tone, was a good liar. She told Xanxus that he (Squalo) had stolen some of his precious booze.
The results had been disastrous.
And if insane, long haired swordsmen with blades duct taped to their left hands could cry in this world, Squalo would be sobbing his eyes out by now.
Instead he glared a nasty glare and for once in a long time, kept his mouth shut.
Well, no. He didn't. "I hate you."
"Well what a manageable situation." Was the airy reply. "I hate me too. But I hate you more."
"Fucking brat."
"Old man." You're hair's white. Don't argue with me about that.
"Bitch."
Pause. "Xanxus' bitch."
Ouch, that hurt. Squalo's scowl deepened and his brows creased in exasperated pissy offy-ness. "Coffee addict."
THAT was just plain rude. Filai bitch kicked him in the leg and the sad thing was he didn't even feel it.
In the shadows (actually, it was behind the couch. But the shadows are so much more dramatic, wouldn't you say?) a member of the royal family of a nameless country-because Akira Amano has yet to give us that information. Maybe never will.- overheard the highly mature conversation and then conspired. With a big silly grin.
*
"So what do you think of her, Tsuna?"
"She's..." Tsuna paused. "Nice. But she seems kinda-antisocial. Like she was really surprised when we said she was our friend. Aside from that..." He drifted off, deep in thought despite being an idiot.
"Hm?"
"She just-I mean, it's just a feeling. You know, like an instinc-gwah!" He gave a strangled yell as Reborn kicked him in the face.
"Just get to the point already."
Gingerly rubbing his face, Tsuna whimpered. "She reminds me of Mukuro Rokudo for some reason!"
"What do you know, I feel exactly the same way. Now go to sleep. You've got a long week of training ahead of you."
Tsuna made a sobbing sound.
*
Next Morning. (By the way, Filai's hair wasn't terribly long. But it was still a little long; about a foot or so. Just normal. She was a GIRL, after all, and okay...the real reason her hair was mildly lengthy was that she kind of had a phobia against hair cutting people. But shut up about that, will you?)
Squalo's eyes wasn't deceiving him after all. It was all real. No illusion (damn that Marmon if it was). No dreaming. Nothing.
He felt something inside him snap.
Yes. Somebody was going to DIE.
Filai, being a heavy sleeper, did not wake up even though Squalo was right next to her when his enraged scream woke up all of Japan. "VOOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wow. Watch the language. You're in the presence of comatose high school kids. Be a good role model.
(Like ANYONE would use him as a role model)
He stormed out of the bedroom, half carrying, half dragging out said comatose high school kid along by the collar because he had no choice considering the fact that the edges of their hair was elaborated tied together in a splendid green and white knot of braids and hair bands and scrunchies and the occasional pink and frilly bow here or there.
Yeah.
So Bel tied their hair together.
Honestly, after so many years in this hitmen/killing/murder business together, you'd think these Varia people would SOME sense of respect towards each other? Or if not that, at least some self preservation.
Either of them would be nice.
END CHAPTER
Ending comments: ALRIGHT! I WILL SAY THIS NOW! FILAI HAS ABSOLUTELY NO DIRECT CONNECTION WITH MUKURO! THEY MAY MEET IN THE NEAR OR NOT SO NEAR FUTURE OR THEY MAY NOT! WHY TSUNA THOUGHT THAT WILL BE REVEALED LATER! SO JUST TO MAKE THAT CLEAR!!!
Hope you enjoyed it. I have little comment as opposed to the last chapter, don't I? Hahaha.