la. :)
more sadness, but a little optimism? i don't remember exactly, but i remember what happens in this chapter. then i read the end, so it's a sad chapter mixed with optimism, i guess. lol
baha. listening to the Lonely Islands while getting ready to post a chapter is amusing. XD
now...
R&R for more. :) i have more chapters up, and i can upload from my phone if the document's already on there. so, if i get reviews while i'm away, i'm pretty sure i can still update.
either way, review, and i'll update before the night's over. :D
...AFTER i tell you that this is another chapter song i recommend listening to. i'm not a huge Adele fan, but i freaking LOVE this song. just sayin'.
13. Set Fire to the Rain: Adele
Charlie didn't believe Bella. He did about him being a vampire and about the fact that Jacob was a werewolf, along with all the pack, but he didn't believe he didn't care. According to him, the way he looked at me was enough to disprove that. He said he could see he really did.
Too bad he doesn't know how well he lies, 'cause he really is a damn good liar.
School the next Monday, like usual, was boring and never-ending. It went longer, though, this time, because I had made after-school plans with Seth and Embry.
I was still in depression mode, but I figured out that if you don't even try to get out of it, then you never will. The more I try, the more likely I am to get away from the pain, to finally get over all of this. Well, at least get to where I'm partially happy again.
I don't necessarily want to be happy. I just want to stop feeling miserable.
Today, Seth, Embry, and I were just gonna hang in La Push and have fun. Seth was bringing a cooler of drinks—not alcohol, of course—like Mountain Dew, some Voltages, a couple Pepsis, and a Dr. Pepper. Embry was bringing pillows, blankets, matches, and chips and dip. I was bringing the good stuff.
Sour gummy worms, sour Skittles, gummy bears, Peach-O's, M&Ms, Three Musketeers, and warheads—for the win! I got tons of candy, so we would each overload on it. It was gonna be great . . . .
I think. It would be the best time I've had in months anyways.
Bella had gone home with Jessica to study for their Pre-Cal test they had tomorrow. I had one too, but I already knew everything. When you can't do anything without bringing back memories you're afraid to bring back except study, that's what you'd do too.
Cold as You by Taylor Swift was playing on the radio as my cell phone started ringing. It was For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic by Paramore, which showed me who it was.
Embry.
Nowadays, the only ringtones I had were ones that were for him. Things like Forever & Always by Taylor Swift, the piano version, which is Charlie; Cry by Kelly Clarkson, which is Seth; and more stuff like that too, were all I had anymore.
"Hello?"
"Mayzie-boo," Embry said quickly. His voice sounded quick and sorta regretful, almost like he would be wincing if he was here. "Hey. About today's plans . . . ."
"You have to cancel," I sighed before nodding, looking down at the steering wheel and doing my best to stop the tears. Right now, I was fragile, for all three reasons—mostly Blade and E . . . the first one. I mean, I had lost an entire family, and that same day, I lost something I could never get back, something I was saving for my husband—that one special person.
That one special person I lost not even two hours before . . . .
I blinked the memories away, shaking slightly as usual. It was an uncontrollable thing, flashbacks and shaking. "Uh, yeah, that's cool, I guess. We can always go some other day."
"No," he said swiftly. "I'm not cancelling. I'm just saying we're gonna be a little late, because . . . well, no one knows this yet, but we're already here. Mayze, you're not gonna want to hear this, but I just smelled three different vampires."
My throat instantly tightened, at just the mention of that word. Instantly, my mind was dividing into two different possibilities: friend of foe. "Were they familiar?"
He sighed. "Yes, but none of them were that familiar. Mayze, I think it's the three we didn't kill from earlier, because they're the only other vampires I've ever been around besides them. So, we're gonna check it out, and meet us there about seven. Is that cool?"
But I couldn't reply. As he had been talking, my breathing had sped up and my heart began pounding in my chest.
"Mayze," he said quickly. "I know you're probably freaked, but they won't hurt you. They might've already left. We're gonna protect you. Seth and I aren't planning on telling Sam unless we absolutely have to, so we'll need to talk to Charlie and make sure Bella doesn't know anything about this."
"Why not tell Sam?" I asked blankly as I started taking slow, deep breaths; doing everything in my power to calm down and not let it affect me.
There was a pause on the other end, about three seconds. "He doesn't approve of protecting the ones who don't want protection. He thinks when you so-called chose them over the pack that you chose not to be protected against them. If we tell him, he'll order us to leave you alone and let them kill you."
My teeth clenched together as I continued down the road, now pissed. "What happened to your supposed to protect the people?"
He sighed. "He says we can't force protection on people, and you chose otherwise. Sam hates you, and I don't know why. No one but him does."
"Well, honestly, that's not my problem," I said simply as the anger faded a little. It was weird. Being mad . . . I didn't notice the pain as much. "I'll meet you there at seven. Tell Sam I said to go screw himself, because, personally, I don't even care! Just . . . fine. Embry, you and Seth don't need to do anything to get yourself in trouble."
The pain was back again. Thinking about vampires in general, especially ones that he had saved me from, was just too much. I was hurting worse now than I had been when he told me he didn't love me, because not only was that starting to finally sink in, but I was alone now, and I was still scarred.
Tears started spilling down my cheeks. "I'll protect myself."
"Mayze!" Embry exclaimed.
But I just slid my phone shut and pulled over on the side of the road. I didn't stop for long, though. The pain was taking over again.
I just had to do something. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what was about to happen, but maybe the more pain I forced upon myself, the quicker it would all just go away. Maybe I would die of a broken heart; maybe the pain would stop and I could smile again.
So, I drove to a place I promised myself I would never go to again. I was gonna go to the house next.
His meadow. He always liked coming here, away from the world. It was a beautiful place, and he could have a clear head here. No one was around.
It was also the place I had first seen him in the sunlight, the place he told me everything about vampires that I didn't know, and just . . . everything. It had been his most special spot, and I was the only one who knew about it.
His meadow.
In his meadow, I saw that vampires—the kind his family are—don't look much different in the light. The normal vampires sparkle in the sunlight, but the others are able to blend more easily. They can't completely blend, but if they're careful and the sun's not too bright, they can be around other people. Their skin just shimmers a little, kinda like a mirror.
It was a pretty long walk to his meadow. The house would probably have to wait, since I had a date with Embry-bear and Sethikins at seven, and this walk would probably take a few hours to get there, suffer a little, and get back.
The song Pain by Three Days Grace came to mind as I walked. It was how I was feeling right now. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
As I had suspected, the walk to the meadow took about an hour, probably. It was a few miles into the woods. Since I had no clue how to get out, I would mark every tree I passed with something. The stub of the knife had, ironically, been in my bag, so I used that to slit the trees.
It was good enough, okay?
I sat down on the grass once I was there, exactly where I had every time we came together. I knew it was the exact same spot because I had taken in everything, and I sat in the same spot each time. The grass was just as green; the waterfall straight north that led to a pond still ran just as smoothly. The pond's bank was about twenty feet away from where we usually sat, like always, and for a foot past where the water met, there was sand still. There was no more and no less. It was still absolutely beautiful—no more so and no less so. Now, it was killing me inside.
But, sometimes the memories are worth the pain.
I laid down, exactly like I did when he was there. It was almost exactly like always. I imagined him laying there with a warm smile on his face, his fingers softly stroking my cheeks while one arm curled around me—like usual. He was laying on his side, turned towards me and looking at me as if nothing else in the world mattered; like nothing could ever mean more to him.
I couldn't help but smile back at my hallucination. I knew he wasn't there, because the sun was always out here, like it was now, and he wasn't shimmering. That detail was out of memory, because I didn't see it enough. Maybe twice.
But the smile, the first one I'd given in four months, was joined with tears as I stared at him. The bright smile I was wearing faded into a simple, pained one.
He, in my imagination, rubbed the tears I was now shedding away, and he started to slowly lean in to kiss me again. Of course, he had the same smile he usually did at that time, and his eyes looked "happy."
Then, I couldn't take it anymore, and I just sobbed uncontrollably as I turned around away from the spot, getting his image to disappear from beside me. I couldn't hold it all in anymore. I couldn't just let myself get hurt like this, could I?
I wanted him back, more than I wanted air or water. I'd do anything for it. My heart was still broken in millions of pieces. I couldn't just stay here in Forks while he's off somewhere. I had to find him, somehow, and I had to tell him how I felt. I would tell him exactly what had been happening, and I would demand the truth. Whether he really did love me or not, he had to pretend some more.
"Don't be sad," I heard his beautiful, cherubic voice say gently, almost pleading with me. It didn't sound like it was coming from any direction. It was more like it was in my head. "Mayzie, be happy, please."
I froze completely, my body locked in shock. My throat completely tightened up as I stared straight in front of me, not allowing my eyes to roam around the meadow just yet. I stiffened as I sat up, sitting up being the only movement I made. Even my tears stopped rolling on my cheeks. They were just frozen there.
With a lot of struggle, I turned and looked all around me. There was hope inside of me that just got killed, and the tiny pieces of my shattered, fragile heart exploded into smaller, tinier pieces, which I didn't even think that was possible at this point. "Edward?" It came out brokenly, choked, and strained. I'd been trying not to even think about it, much less say it. Saying it hurt worse than I had imagined it would.
But I got nothing. More tears started pouring down my cheeks as the ones already there rolled off my cheeks.
He wasn't here; this wasn't worth it.
No . . . I'm so stupid.