A/N: Let's see...anything to mention. Oh yeah, THIS PERSON OVER HERE- SimplyxSaki. She beta read this ENTIRE piece of junk for me, fighting through the horrors of shitty grammar and somewhat twistedly crappy humor! Then again, for the latter, you all are doing so. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! BE THANKFUL FOR HER! NOW YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH BAD GRAMMAR BASED SEIZURES!
Sorry for slow update again. I'm busy. And lazy. The ultimate crappy combo that makes life that much crappier.
Chapter 4
Filai's dinner usually consisted of a can of chicken soup and some crackers. Maybe some almonds if she really felt like it, and rarely, it was accompanied by a glass of milk, which she heard was supposed to strengthen bones and prevent them from being broken all the time, but it doesn't seem to be having any sort of effect on her at all. Which was discouraging.
In sharp contrast, Xanxus' dinner usually consisted of half a cow's worth of beef...and beer/wine/some form of alcohol, as well as an assortment of other goodies loaded with calories and fat and cholesterol and all sorts of nasty things that generally condemns one to a miserable future of diabetes, cancer, early death, etc.
(Interestingly enough, Xanxus seems to be a lot healthier than Filai. Sure, Filai never got a lot of exercise throughout her lifetime, and she had been failing physical education back in school for five years straight. But if you think about Xanxus' rather lethargic habits of bringing an armchair wherever he went, he didn't have that much daily exercise either).
Belphagor's diet consisted mainly of candy and cakes. Very rarely did he consume any form of decent food, because the only one who can make him do so is their lovely, short-tempered, disinterested boss who honestly couldn't care less if his subordinates died of health issues that sugar overload tends to bring.
Squalo, well...
Levi wasn't nearly as picky as his fellow lunatics. As long as it didn't have a combination of black and red in it (which he claimed reminded him of Xanxus, and do you know how creepy that notion is?), he'll take it. Maybe that's why Lussuria always liked cooking for him.
Speaking of Lussuria. Well, he doesn't really matter anymore, considering the fact that he'll have to make do with hospital food for the next few months or so.
Filai stared blankly at the list. You know, I can't really cook any of this.
"Cake?" Bel piped up hopefully, peering at her from behind the kitchen counter.
"I've never baked a cake in my life before, you know." I wasn't brought up as a housewife, unlike someone who's currently in the intensive care unit in the hospital because nobody gives a crap about what happens to him.
"Shishishi, you really know how to hold a grudge, don't you?"
Bel, do you see this butcher knife? DO YOU SEE IT?
Bel fidgeted, and then frowned. "You don't seem to mind cooking for Gola Moska." He pointed out, and then flashed her yet another brilliant grin. "Do you by any chance have a soft spot for him...err...it?"
"It's a robot." She stated dryly, holding up a giant jug of gasoline. I can't believe you seriously just implied that. "By the way, can you do me a favor and take that bucket of dead fish up to Squalo's room?"
Silence. Slowly, the prince glanced at said bucket. And turned a little pale. His grin wavered ever so slightly. "You're kidding."
It was in Lussuria's instructions, so shut up and take it. It's starting to stink up the room.
"I did NOT need to know that...what the...is that still moving?"
Filai coughed and shooed him off with the trusty aid of a butcher knife.
Night
She wasn't too worried today. Mostly because the opponent was rumored to be a five-year-old, and paranoia only goes so far, but also because she was a bit annoyed that Levi had attacked her for accidentally burning some of his meat and attempting to cover it up with a bit of ketchup.
Plus, when one glances out of the window, he (or she, if anti sexists insists) would find that a spectacular storm was going on outside. So when Filai was once again banned from attending the match, she kept her complaints to a minimum.
Speaking of Marmon...(even though he wasn't even mentioned prior to this sentence, but oh well)
"You're not taking an umbrella?" She handed the infant a miniature umbrella, which was so cute. It was yellow, with little brown strips and Pikachu ears sticking up from the top and a little lightning shaped tail dangling cheerfully from the-
The stare she got from him was positively withering. And she couldn't even SEE his eyes.
"What? It was on sale at the store." She supplied defensively.
(Squalo was dutifully ignored. If one bothered to give a fuck or two, they would have noticed that he looked a little sad)
(But then again, this was before he realized that Marmon was given a Pokemon umbrella, so it was all irrelevant and in the past).
For sanity's sake, I'm not even going to mention what went on between Xanxus and Filai during their rare moments together and alone.
Let's just say it wasn't very pleasant. It involved a blender, a video camera, and Youtube. Oh yeah, and did I mention the PS3 that got utterly destroyed and grinded into a very fine powder? Might have been Bel's or Squalo's. There was a hack and slash game disk in it, after all.
It made the front page too.
Perhaps that was why he decided to go attend the match fifteen minutes later rather than stay and wallow in the horrors of Filai's company.
Well, YOU were the one who said I needed a hobby. So why're you complaining?
Five minutes after Xanxus left...
They all came back. Filai looked up from her textbook. Woah, that was fast.
Miraculously enough, Levi was alive. A bit worse for a wear, but-
You looked like you got owned by a five year old. Wow, even if you didn't get killed, that's still pretty sad, you know. I never thought that I was in the company of such thoroughly low-leveled samples of human be- Filai ducked as an umbrella nearly skewered her head. It landed in the wall, quivering ominously. She looked behind her. "Alright." Son. Of. A. BITCH. She bent down and began rummaging through some things underneath her couch and pulled out a paint gun.
Levi stared. Glared. "You wouldn't dar-." The rest of his words were cut off as she managed to land a load of odd smelling paint right into his mouth. And most of his face. "THAT'S IT!" He sputtered angrily. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Oddly enough, Filai remained relatively unfazed, and with an expression of some amusement, returned to her book. Levi was going to charge at her...
And stopped. Or more accurately, froze.
A moment of silence.
That was when he kind of lost it. "ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" He pretty much shrieked in a rather undignified way, spitting out the weird red paint which turned out to be some sort of chili/salsa that was currently burning his tongue straight out of his mouth, by the looks of it.
"Youtube had recipes." Filai noted mildly when she caught the rest of co. staring incredulously at her. "Quite remarkable ones, too. Did you know that you could recreate the taste of wasabi by combining shampoo and red pepper?"
Meanwhile, Levi was currently attempting to extinguish his tongue. Or rip it out. Whatever works. There might have been some that had gone into his eyes too. Oh my.
"You're insane." Marmon declared.
Aw shut up, you stupid little midget. You're enjoying this too.
"Muu." The infant bristled, but couldn't really deny the claim.
So, where's that video camera?
Bel held it up, waving and laughing happily. Xanxus had left to get some aspirin. Squalo stared oddly at the chili substance splattered everywhere and raked some up with his fingers before consuming it experimentally. He blinked, and said almost confusedly."It's not that bad."
Filai's eyes lit up. Really? You like my cooking even though there are potentially poisonous substances and some of your shampoo in it? I love you, Squalo. You're so nice.
That was when he gagged and spat it out. Whether it was the "potentially poisonous substance (and his shampoo)" or the "I love you" part that caused him to do so will forever remain unknown.
Ten seconds later and Squalo nearly succeeded in stabbing her eye out. "I HATE YOU!"
Or not.
(She's nowhere near the horror that is Bianchi though, so it all works out in the end)
Next day, Sawada Tsunayoshi's House
"So," Filai absentmindedly flipped through the pages of the standard Namimori science textbook, simplistic shit as it was. "We're moving on to the DNA structure today. The double helix model was discovered by James Watson and Francis Crick, and they kind of ripped off Rosalind Franklin's X-ray crystallography photos of DNA. She couldn't really complain either since she died of cancer. Too much exposure to radiation, you know?" Filai paused, and looked up, eyebrows arched. "Tsunayoshi?"
Tsuna's head shot up at the sound of his name. He laughed, embarrassed...as usual. "Oh, sorry. I was thinking about something else."
"Enlighten me again, Sawada Tsunayoshi."
Tsuna squeaked in alarm as Filai stared unnervingly at him, eyes narrowing. There was some sort of intense feeling around her, kind of like Mukuro's-ah, he thought of that again. Strange, they're nothing alike.
"Why am I wasting a perfectly good morning teaching a petty, useless brat such as yourself when I could be plotting world domination or doing something remarkably relevant with my time?"
Okay, maybe she is a bit like him after all.
"W-well, um...you know I'm currently...IN A SUMO/BOXING TOURNAMENT!"
Dead silence.
Filai stared steadily at the poor thing. And frowned. "That's utter bullshit, isn't it?"
Cheeks flushing improbably, Tsuna fought hard not to look away from his increasingly skeptical tutor. "E-eh? What makes you think that?"
"You'd be dead by now if you actually joined a competition like that. Probably some corpse rotting in the sewers with rats digging into your eyeballs while your mad, devoted friends go searching for you wherever the hell their useless little minds could take them."
He looked horrified by the images. "F-Filai san. T-That's just cruel."
"But I'm just stating the truth." She pointed out mildly, sipping from a cup of coffee. "Or do you want me to personally find out?"
Tsuna blinked oddly. "Um, how are you going to-"
"I believe I spy a sewer entrance just a few feet away from he-"
A high pitched squeak, and Tsuna scrambled away from her. "NO THANKS!"
A/N: A bit of extra that I decided to put in because I'm a lazy asshole and the chapter's way too short.
Haru's Haru Haru Dangerous Interview-With Filai! ...Oh great. This'll be good.
Haru: Hai! It's what everyone has been waiting for! Haru's Haru Haru Dangerous Interviews! Today's special guest is...eto...how do you say her name...?
Reborn: Isn't it a bit rude not even knowing how to pronounce the guest's name? It's Filia
Haru: Hahi! That's true, isn't it? So complex! I must get better at pronouncing Italian names! Maybe I could sign up for some Italian language classes?
Filai: *shows up* It's fine. I don't really care.
Reborn: Actually, that's a really easy name to pronounce.
Haru: Ah...hahi! Wait, is Filai san's name Filai or Filia?
Filai: It's Filia, but for some reason, Boss always calls me Filai and after the tenth time it just stuck. I don't really like it though, but when I said so, Boss threw a statue at me. So I can't really complain. Look, he even changed the name on my medical records and my driver's license.
Haru: I-is that so? That's terrible! You should go file a lawsuit for worker's rights!
Reborn: Xanxus is famous in the Mafia world for his abusive nature, after all.
Haru: Eek! How terrifying!
Filai: Really? I think Boss is...cute. Sometimes, at least. When he's not drunk.
Haru: I...I see you have unique definitions of the word "cute". Ahaha. Um, I heard that you're an academic genius! Is that true? Haru is so jealous, since I have to study all the time!
Filai: Not really. I study all the time as well.
Reborn: That's true, huh? They say you're hardly ever seen without a textbook.
Filai: ...I guess. Ah, what's stuck between my cover...*pulls out paper* Oh, it's my report card from last semester. I was looking for it. Want to see?
Haru: I bet it's full of top grades. *looks at it* E...eh...t...this is...
Grades:
Calculus: 0.00 percent
Biology: 124.99 percent (the teacher gives a lot of extra credit and test curves)
Italian: 0.00 percent
English: 0.00 percent
Japanese (elective class): 2.21 percent
P.E: -100.00 percent
Filai: I don't really do anything from other classes aside from science. So...
Haru: I...I didn't know it was possible to get a negative grade in P.E.
Filai: The teacher hated me.
Haru: E...eh...is that so...? Ano...moving on to other questions! Ahahahaha...Anyway! I have heard that you have a deep lovey dovey relationship with...uh...Super Bee Sukuaro?
Filai: Excuse me? *stares* Super Bee Squirrel?
Reborn: *sighs* You really can't read, huh? It's Superbia Squalo
Filai: Ah. That...thing... I wouldn't call it "deeply lovey dovey". That sounds like some idiotic school girl's soap opera-based dreams. As if I'd date some sorry piece of yesterday's rotting garbage like him. *evil aura*
Haru: Hahi! Where did that malicious voice come from right after Filai san spoke? That's rude! Show yourself! *jumps*
Filai: ...that was me...Don't ask.
Haru: Really? Well, anyways! Congratulations with your beautiful relationship with Super Bee Sukularo
Filai: Um...sure. But I'm not really in any relationship with that-effing piece of dog shit.
Haru: Eh...that's not something that a girl should say to her lover.
Squalo:! I HEARD THAT, YOU STUPID WOMAN!
Filai: Hello, Squalo. Oh wonderful. It's the transvestite.
Squalo: DON'T CALL ME A TRANSVESTITE!
Filai: ...
Squalo: Geh...! VOI! DON'T DO THAT!
Haru: Hahi! Filai san smiled! How pretty!
Squalo: P...pretty? Y...you call that expression pretty? *twitches* She looks like a fucking lunatic. In fact, that's not even a smile! It's a neutral line! It's straight!
Haru: Haru heard from Tsuna san, but is it true that you never smile?
Filai: ...I just did (Squalo: THAT'S NOT A SMILE, YOU IDIOT!)
Haru: THAT'S TRUE! Could that mean, Tsuna san was lying to me? How terrible! He's taking advantage of my love for him! *starts to cry* How could you, Tsuna-san! Ne, Filai san! What would you do if you found out that Squalo san lied to you?
Filai: Look, little girl, just because the summary said "SqualoXOc", it doesn't mean anything's going to happen in the fourth chapter, you know? This isn't Twilight, you kno-
Haru: I know! You must make him prove his love to you! B...but! How would you do that?
Squalo: VOIIIII! DON'T START GIVING HER IDEAS! Geh! W...what are you doing with that thing?
Filai: ...hm...I know...*holds up chainsaw* Death.
Squalo: WH...WHA...? VOIIIIIIIIII! I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS! AND DON'T USE THAT TONELESS VOICE FOR THIS KIND OF TOPIC! BESIDES! I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID WE WEREN'T TOGETHER, DAMN IT!
Filai: What are you talking about, Squalo? We've been together for so long and now you deny it? How cruel of you. It's called improvising. Fwahahahahaha
Haru: Hahi! It's Filai's infamous evil laugh! This is the first time I'm heard it!
Squalo: VOI! GET AWAY FROM ME, WOMAN! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME! *runs off stage*
Filai: Please hold still.
Haru: *sniff* What a beautiful relationship they hold! I hope to share one just like them with Tsuna san!
(somewhere off view) Filai: Got you. *chainsaw sounds* *sounds of yelling and scuffling*
*dead silence*
A/N: FINISHED! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, PEOPLE? BWAHAHAHAHA! Anyways, yeah. I found out we are supposed to return reviews. So...SORRY IF I NEVER REPLIED! I NEVER KNEW! T_T (is shot)
Hm, there wasn't much of the actual story in this chapter, since I'm a lazy asshole-as previously mentioned, so I tossed in the interview at the end. Just for you people who were going to face palm when they saw the chapter ending so soon.
Next chapter (spoilers? Nah, just a mini preview):
(?): I'm going to bite you to death.
Filai: ...um...if you're hungry, there's a restaurant right behind you. Or do you not like sushi?
FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED! BUT REGARDLESS OF THAT, YOU PEOPLE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR ARE ALL KIND PEOPLE AND I DON'T LOVE YOU ALL, BUT I'LL GET AS CLOSE TO IT AS A CONSCIENCE-LESS PERSON COULD! (gets shot. This is getting so old)