A/N: Yes, I realize I haven't updated in forever. I don't need reminding (is in shame, but oh well). HOWEVER, I present a very long chapter-for my standards- and on the plus side, I already finished things all the way up to before the Sky battle, so I think I'll update faster this time.
Disclaimer: I'm too lazy for anything fancy, so no, I don't own anything. But Filai, but who'd want her anyways?
Chapter 5
Upon his return from god knows fucking where (Dino had the peculiar habit of waiting until he was asleep and shipping him off to some obscure country far away from urban civilization, where the native inhabitants use toasters and wonder where the bread went when the toast popped out), Hibari Kyouya was just walking through the gates of Namimori Junior High school when he not quite literally ran into a peculiar foreign girl who was crouched in the corner of one place or another and flipping through the pages of a textbook and emitting a dark feeling so not unlike that of Mukuro Rokudo's that he immediately decided to go kill her just because he was still rather sore about the whole affair with Mukuro and after nearly a week without access to electricity, he wasn't in the best of moods.
(I mean, sure, he liked days of trouncing Dino into a bloody pulp and all, but what healthy teenager wouldn't be pissed after being deprived of the internet for more than half an hour?)
Before he could officially make up his mind, the girl looked up, glanced at him curiously, and said "You're sort of evil, aren't you?"
Slightly taken aback by the sheer bluntness of the statement, Hibari graced the fool with a deadpan stare. "People that aren't students or part of the school faculty are not allowed on school grounds without permission."
"Oh really?" She stood up, and he noticed with some irritation that she was at least two inches taller than him. "Tsunayoshi kun didn't tell me that. I'll possibly have to throw his head into a blender the next chance I get."
So she was an acquaintance of that little dipshit. That explained things.
The girl picked up her textbook and flipped to a certain section. "Boys' growth spurts come later than girls'." She told him, as if she could read his mind. "In fact, I think you happen to be just around that age now...give or take a few years. Too bad you're not a girl, or else you could wear high heels...Well, I guess you still can, if you're that desperate...You can just wear longer pants, so people can't see the heels or the soles of your shoes."
And of course, Hibari did not care, and obviously (in his mind) the best counter to this generous tidbit of biological information was something like "I'll bite you to death."
"That's good." She answered unexpectedly, with a thoughtful expression. "I haven't had lunch yet, and sometimes eating by yourself gets old too. You can eat with me."
"..............what?"
"Let's go eat sushi." She offered, pointing to an area behind him. "There's a restaurant right there. I'll pay for you too, since I'm older."
"I'm not hungry." Hibari replied, confused by the strange notion of eating out with an equally strange female.
Said female turned to him. "Well then, why did you say something like I'll bite you to death?" She asked, politely enough, though not without a just a modicum of sarcasm in her tone that sort of implied she thought he was an idiot.
A threat was meant to be taken the right way by its unfortunate receiver the moment it was uttered. Explaining it would sort of ruin both the point and the impact it was supposed to have and thus, the threatener (again, Microsoft says this isn't a word. I react by giving it the finger) really shouldn't waste his breath with something as utterly pointless as that. And this totally wasn't his fault. Threats don't work on idiots, after all.
(Note: The above lines were basically the excuse that Hibari formulated in his mind within the time span of two seconds, just because he's that smart, but in reality...well....explaining the "bite to death" thing was...sort of awkward, if you get my meaning. It's...kind of easy to take it the wrong way...)
So instead, "Never mind."
"I see." The girl suddenly said, somehow managing to brighten up without even smiling. "You're being modest, aren't you? As I thought, normal people are different after all. If only Bel or someone would be that nice...ah, that's wishful thinking, isn't it..." She muttered the last few words rather dejectedly. "Anyways, are you coming?"
....Well, he did like sushi.
*
Three things Filai noticed upon entering through the floppy entrance of the sushi establishment. It was sort of crowded, there were a lot of workers around, and it was owned by Yamamoto Takeshi's family.
The baseball kid did have a sharp eye. He caught sight of her the moment she stepped through the door. "Filai! It's great to see you here!" He called merrily, walking over to her and subsequently stopping dead as he spotted the rather bewildered and pissed looking boy behind her. "...and...Hibari...?" Side note: That name was spoken as if the world had just blown up.
Filai turned to the newly identified kid. "Ah, so that's your name. I should've asked earlier." She said straightforwardly. "It's cute."
Hibari glared sullenly and said nothing. Yamamoto laughed. "I didn't know you were friends with Filai. I thought she just came from Europe a week ago."
"I met him near your school ten minutes ago." Filai explained as she dropped down in a chair. "He was hungry, so I thought I'd bring him along."
"I'm not hungry." He hissed under his breath, clearly not pleased to be treated like a poor penniless waif dragged here on the charity of some crazy lady who was totally misunderstanding the basics of the situation.
"Now now, you don't have to be so unassuming. I have plenty of money on me, so it's not like you're going to run me bankrupt."
"Filai, I don't think Hibari's trying to..."
Filai flipped through the menu. "Do you have shark sushi, by any chance?" I need some stress relief.
*
Wasabi was her new favorite food. Thus, Hibari was dragged along to the nearest supermarket for an epic wasabi hunt.
He wasn't pleased. Filai was. The crowds always parted for her. They helped her find whatever the hell she was looking for. They even let her in front of the line. The people always seemed to look a little fearful, but she eventually dismissed it as a figment of her imagination. "Japanese people are so polite, aren't they, Hibari? I guess I didn't really need to bring you with me after all."
Hibari didn't know why he was bothering to resist eradicating her from existence. Was it the sushi? He decided that that must be it, for although he hated to admit it, the sushi had been pretty damn good.
All ended well and with Filai courteously buying him an oversized stuffed hedgehog, just for the heck of it (Filai: You have to admit, it sort of suits you Hibari: ...).
Hibari surprised himself when he passed by a trash can without throwing the cursed thing away.
When she returned to the hotel, the night's battle had already started. Ah right, who was going today? Storm...oh Bel.
Thelittle prick'll be fine. He's got cockroach level vitality on his side; the type of character in a manga who just won't die no matter freaking what happens to him....if he were in a manga, of course. Which he totally isn't.
Xanxus was in the drawing room, sitting his usual armchair next to the fire, doing and staring at nothing in particular. Lazy bastard.
"I'm back, Xanxus." Filai walked into the drawing room and swept a glance through the place, which was looking rather disheveled; if the legless chairs and cracked glasses and tables were indication of anything. "I guess there was a bit of a fuss before they left
"Bel had a cavity."
Oh. That wasn't pretty, she imagined. "I'll take him to the dentist tomorrow."
"More like the hospital." An infant voice spoke behind her.
Filai turned around to find Marmon elegantly floating past her. "You're back already? I thought it'd go on longer."
"There was a time limit to the fight today."
"Was there now? Interesting." She spotted a bloodied up body being carried like a sack by Gola Mosca. "Wha...I thought I told Bel to leave his toys outside if he wants to bring them back." Can't the stupid bastard just follow the damn rules for once in his spoiled little life?!
"That IS Bel." Levi generously informed her.
She took another good look at the thing, and spotted the glint of a tiara peeking out from messy red stained hair. "Oh."
Then.
Oh my fucking god. CALL THE SALVATION ARMY!!!
"I think you mean the hospital."
"SHUT UP! I WANT THE SALVATION ARMY! XANXUS! BEL'S DEAD! AND HE WAS SO YOUNG! HE DIDN'T EVEN GET HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE YET!"
"He's not fucking dead." Xanxus spat out in frustration, eyes narrowing in displeasure at the show of hysteria. "I can tell from twenty feet away that's he's breathing."
"I don't think she's listening to you, Boss." Marmon humbly told him as he watched Filai wrap up Bel up with a roll of bandages. The baby shook his head. "Women." And immediately blanched as a first aid kit was hurled at him, courtesy of a remote controlled Gola Mosca.
*
That night, Squalo found a cake sitting on his bed and thought something along the lines of What the fuck.
Next Day
Luckily enough, Bel's injuries, although countless (literally, since there were quite a bit on the upper areas of his legs and there was no way in hell she was going to count those), were relatively superficial. He had a few broken bones here and there, but the rest were just cuts and bruises. Filai managed to patch him up without resorting to the hospital. OR the salvation army, for that matter.
"I thought you were a genius." A very not amused Filai groused, tying up his arm just a bit tighter than necessary (he flinched). "And you get owed by a middle schooler."
"Shishishi, I didn't get owned." Bel proclaimed smugly, probably thinking about how clever his little mind was. "I NEARLY got owned, but I didn't, because I'm a prince. Shishishishishi."
"As if that's anything to be proud of." She slapped a bandage on his cheek. "There we go. I think that there's a few more left....Honesty, how DID you get so messed up anyways? You look like you were caught up in an explosion."
Bel shot her another wide grin. "I was. A whole bunch of them."
Filai began pulling out more bandages from the medicine kit. "Really now. Middle school kids carry dynamite with them these days?" She said. "You know, I've been out of middle school for a little more than three years now and I'm sure things here are a little different from Italy, but..."
"But what?"
"Um, I don't think they're THAT different." Honestly, you expect me to believe that middle school kids in Japan carry bombs with them? I don't know how stupid you think I am, but isn't that going a LITTLE OVERBOARD, YOU BASTARD?! WHAT DO YOU THINK MY IQ IS? NEGATIVE 200?!
"Nope. How about negative 500." The prince suggested charmingly.
A brief pause.
Filai took a roll of duct tape out and cut off a piece before sticking it over a yet to be tended and rather deep looking cut. Bel looked at her questioningly. With a quick, fluid motion, she ripped it off.
The reaction...It was beautiful. Practically a masterpiece unto itself. She didn't need that weird Fuuta kid's rankings to know that Squalo totally just got ousted from his position as #1 Loudest Mafioso.
Payback's a bitch, Bitch.
*
Outside the room, Squalo and Marmon peered through the smallest crack ever known to mankind. "I think that girl's using her intelligence in the wrong categories." The latter stated, rubbing his ears painfully. "Wouldn't you say so, Squalo?" Upon receiving no reply, the infant looked up. "Something wrong?"
Squalo miserably looked on. "She never bandaged ME when I get a royal fuckage like that." He muttered, very immaturely.
"You never were hurt that badly in the first place."
He suddenly looked thoughtful. "That's true." He glanced down hopefully at Marmon. "You think she will if I stab myself in the guts?"
"No." Marmon immediately answered. "You don't fit her definition of cute, so she probably doesn't like you."
Squalo was much saddened by the words. He did what all good Mafioso did and expressed his hurt feelings via unwarranted violence; AKA shoving the tip of his sword in the pipsqueak fool's general direction.
In order to calm her nerves, Filai decided to go out for a cup of coffee, seeing how caffeine was a most magical phenomenon and was sort of addicting if consumed often.
She had successfully settled into the cozy corner of a quaint little café in town, sipping a most lovely cup of coffee quipped with plenty of sugar and milk, when Yamamoto Takeshi and all his stupidity masked as dimwitted cheerfulness magically appeared next to her table. She glanced at him. "...."
Yamamoto positively beamed. "I didn't expect you to be here, Filai." He grinned widely, and Filai wondered how the hell the little douche could muster up enough energy to keep smiling like that. Doesn't his face HURT? The law of gravity doesn't exist to be defied. "Mind if I take a seat?"
"Oh, you want to spend time with an old decrepit lady like me?" She said, deadpan, resting her head on her palm and staring at him flatly. "I'm sure there's someone who wants to see your (ugly mug) cute face."
"Nah. My friends and I are busy with some of our own stuff these days." He said enthusiastically, holding up a chilled bottle of soda. "I was just training a while ago, so I thought I'd take a little break and get a drink here. Big coincidence that I met you, huh? You alone?"
"Nope. I'm spending some quality time with my imaginary friend, Bob." Obviously I'm by myself. Are you batshit blind or something? Do you SEE anybody in the vacant spot you just took? I didn't think so.
Yamamoto's eyes widened and he suddenly lurched up, expression apologetic. "S...sorry! I didn't know that I was...er..." He quickly glanced at the empty seat. "...sitting on your imaginary friend. I didn't realize. I really am sorry!"
"....I was being....sarcastic." ...to a creature with an underdeveloped brain. I believe I just wasted my breath.
The poor thing considered it for a moment, before his mouth formed a small "O". He sort of flushed, scratching his head in an embarrassed manner. "Haha...I didn't recognize that." Nevertheless, he was smiling wider than ever. Filai shuddered at the sheer sweetness of it. "You're always talking in such a toneless voice. No offense. But it's kind of hard to tell when you're joking and when you're serious, since...well, you always sound serious."
"Sarcasm isn't joking." Filai corrected, absentmindedly swirling her coffee with her little spoon and vaguely imagining the possibility of throwing her companion into a tub of water. Along with an electric power source. Maybe a microwave. "It's a subdivision of the art of rhetoric."
It was almost cute, how he was looking so stupidly clueless. "Um. Okay." And happy. Why DID the little monster look so fucking cheerful? The sheer brilliance of the bright aura emitting from the baseball kid was appalling to her poor eyesight. She could feel her own evilness being corrupted and thus felt very dejected.
"So what'cha doing here?"
"Just thinking about some things, I guess."
A mild pause. "Um, was that supposed to be...sarcastic?" Yamamoto asked, innocently enough.
Filai face palmed.
*
She returned a little later than she would have liked. The sun was already setting in the horizon when she stepped into the hotel lobby, internally cursing the existence of Yamamoto Takeshi and his inability to understand the simplest concepts of life. What kind of deprived soul in this world didn't know what a hypothalamus is? It's a PART OF HIS BRAIN!
Squalo was slouching on a couch, moodily glaring at the fireplace. He smelled like beer.
"Did Xanxus trash you with his drink again?" She remarked, sitting down next to him to take a good look. Sure enough, his hair was drenched, with small shards of glass tangled in it that glittered and sparkled every time he moved his head.
"Voi, don't you have anything better to do, you piece of shit?" He demanded, shooting her a very nasty look.
Filai replied that she obviously did not, otherwise she wouldn't be wasting what little life she had talking to someone as intellectually lacking as him, and had a vase thrown at her. It shattered noisily against the wall and she glanced behind her shoulder. "I'm...not cleaning that up."
"Like hell I'm doing it."
"Well, it IS your fault." She supplied tentatively.
"Fuck no! You're the one who dodged it!"
"Are you saying I should have let it hit me? What if I threw that vase at you? You would've dodged it too!"
Squalo's mouth formed into a nasty smirk. "You can't even throw that far, so why would I bother?"
Filai scowled, brows scrunching together in immature frustration. There was too much truth in that statement for her liking. "Well...I suppose so. But that's still your fault! It has your fingerprints on it...oh wait." She glanced at his hands, while Squalo continued being triumphant, much to her chagrin. "You used your artificial hand, didn't you?" If it had been any other person, Filai would've assumed that he had intended to do so. But it was Squalo, which automatically rendered it a convenient accident, since the guy couldn't plan ahead two seconds to save his life.
At least, she HOPED it was an accident, since in the event that it wasn't, then it meant that she just got outwitted by a shark. And an exceptionally stupid one at that.
"You know, I've known you ever since you cut your hand off and I don't think I've actually seen your fake hand before." Filai suddenly said. "You're always wearing a glove over it."
"Huh? Oh, yeah." Squalo casually glanced at said left hand. "Got a problem with it?"
Filai crossed her arms, ever present frown deepening slightly. "Yes. I just so happen to. Why won't you let me see it? It doesn't look all ugly and deformed, does it?"
"Voii! Why do I have to show a piece of shit like you?!" He yelled, painfully smacking her hand away. "And it's made of fucking metal! How the hell is it supposed to be deformed!?"
Filai ignored that last point. "Well it's not fair. You got to see the both of my hands."
"Bullshit. There's nothing worth looking about those trash you call hands in the first place, god damn it!" He shot back furiously, head her on the side of the head.
And Filai nicely stated, "Touchy."
"DON'T CALL ME TOUCHY!"
Something heavy was hurled in her direction. She didn't actually have to dodge it, since she didn't think Squalo would actually kill her (on purpose). But just to be on the safe side, she ducked. "Then why else wouldn't you show me? Did you order special metal for it? Is it spray painted pink? Do you have some random porn star's signature on it? Or did you draw doodles of hearts and sparkles and sheep on it?"
Squalo stared at her for a moment. "Sheep?" He repeated in disbelief, subconsciously tugging on his glove. "Where the hell did sheep come from?"
"Ah, well...I like sheep." Filai shrugged awkwardly. "They're cute."
It took the longest of times for him to process the fact that Filai had found sheep, a perfectly normal and cute animal...well...cute. So the freak did have a girlish side to her after all, he was thinking wistfully, when Filai added. "I especially find it adorable when they're cut into multiple pieces with their organs dangling out of them and their fleece being doused with their own blood."
Never mind.
"You're impossible, aren't you?" Filai finally withdrew, unhappily sitting back down in her own seat and still looking sadly at his hand. "I just wanted to see what was underneath your left glove. It's not like I asked you to strip your clothes off, so what's your problem?"
He might've choked at that last sentence, but for the sake of his dignity, let's pretend it wasn't so. "It's a metal hand." Squalo finally insisted. "Why are you obsessing over a hand?"
"Because it's a part of you. And I love you." Was her unhesitant reply, as if it he had asked the dumbest question ever formulated by a human brain.
Silence.
Loud thud.
Filai continued. "Because we've known each other since forever and of course, I love you just like how I love Xanxus and Lussuria and Marmon and Be...um...hello? Squalo? Oh come now, you know it's rude to fall asleep when other people are talking to you. Are you implying that I'm boring? Am I uninteresting to the point where you'd just go to sleep? I'm not that bad." Pause. "R...right?"
When Marmon went to fetch Squalo, he noticed Filai sulking in a corner. "What's wrong with you now?"
To which she replied miserably. "....." Squalo thinks I'm boring. I hate him, the stupid prick. I'm not boring. He's boring! Yes, he's the boring one! So of course boring people can't appreciate non boring people, so I'm not boring, damn it! ...........It's not my fault....She sighed and despondently buried her head in her knees.
......today's a bad day.
Done. For some reason, every time I read the Varia arc, I grow fonder and fonder of Dino. Of course, I still love Squalo the most. By the way, is anyone else super happy that he's alive and...well, not really well, but close enough? Oh ho ho ho (gets killed). I was so relieved, I was about to cry. Almost.