A/N: Yeah, I update slow. And I fail. No need to more. T_T And, thank Ephemeral Muse for beta. Now you don't have to torture yourself witih grammar mistakes. :D

I tried to make Filai semi normal. She turned psychotic on me again.

Chapter 6

Gone. Everyone was gone.

I can't believe even Xanxus went to Squalo's match, Filai mused, I guess he really does like him....even though he abuses him all the time. Then again, he does that to everyone. So maybe Xanxus secretly likes everyone but is too embarrassed to admit it...? Pause. Pft. Yeah right.

She flipped absentmindedly through her textbook, staring at the lovely pictures of frogs and bugs and deer being eaten and getting their life energy sucked out by miscellaneous predators and whatnot (damn, that snake's got a big mouth).

Maybe it was a little late to start doing so, but Filai was sort of beginning to wonder just who the hell these super middle school kids that they were dealing with were. The Varia WAS made of professional assassins. In fact, not only that, but really really scary ones too. What was that term named after them? Varia quantity or something? She didn't really know how that made sense, but whatever.

They're probably genetically modified cyborgs disguised as school children or something. She thought dryly. Or maybe those creepy brainwashed kids that were taught to kill people at age zero and a half. In any case, they couldn't be normal kids.

A sudden thought came to her. What if it turned out to be those middle schoolers that I met? Like Tsunayoshi and Gokudera and co. She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. What am I thinking? Tsunayoshi? Hah. He'd get his ass kicked in ten seconds. But who'd he go up against? Oh yeah, he can fight Xanxus. That'll be epic. He'll be reduced to burnt tuna by the time Xanxus is through with him.

Who would be with Lussuria...I know, how about that hyperactive yelling kid? What's his name....begins with a R...or was is an F? Meh, either way they'd be the perfect fit. For some reason, I have a vague feeling that he'd suit Lussuria's tastes anyways.

And...Levi can be with...who can Levi be with. A cow suddenly appeared in her head. Dimly, Filai recalled Tsuna fussing over a small infant with cow horns stuck in a bushy black perm. He had been a whiny little thing, if she recalled correctly. ...Lambo...was it? For some reason, that seems absolutely perfect. Levi can go up against a five year old. He'd totally pull some dramatic moves just for the hell of it. Should've been a fucking actor.

Alright, the match ups were getting ridiculous now, but who cares? She was having too much fun thinking about this shit.

Bel could be with Gokudera. They're totally polar opposites. It'd be the ultimate showdown. Except I think Bel would slice the poor kid into pieces before he manages to do anything. Gokudera would be so pissed...except he can't, huh....since he'd be reduced to a pile of meat by then.

And what about Squalo....Filai thought for a moment, shifting through her memories of all the little crazies she's met ever since arriving into Japan. Hm....what about that ranking kid? No, that wouldn't work. Um....It hit her. Yamamoto!!!! He and Squalo are both at the pinnacle of stupidity, so of course they'd be suited for each other! Why didn't I think of this earlier?

Marmon would be with a girl. Enough said.

All that was left was herself. Though it would be best if she didn't fight; normal kids were one thing (and already beyond her level). Super cyborg killing machine androids were quite another. Filai thought carefully about it. Uh....I remember that kid with the boomerang....Basil, was it? No, it might not be him. How about that little Chinese infant? Though I doubt they'd have two babies in their team. Wait....HIBARI!

Yes, Hibari was just the guy she was thinking for. Although I'd never want to hurt him. He's so sweet and adorable. But of course, if I had to, I would, since Xanxus is still cuter, so I wouldn't want him upset. But there are tens of thousands of people living in this city, so what are the chances of me having to fight Hibari?

Yup. What are the chances...

*

It was later than usual when they returned. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits. Or at least, they looked very amused about something. Filai looked at them questioningly. "Did something good happen?" She asked.

"Something completely amazing!" sang Bel, who was grinning wider than usual. "Never would've expected it! But it happened and it was awesome! Shishishishi."

"...alright. But...what?"

For some reason, Marmon floated by and reached out with a tiny tentacle (which was really creepy), patting her on the shoulder. "Something you probably wouldn't take well." He replied simply, shaking his hooded head before adding. "But I have to agree with Bel. It was pretty funny. A pity the shark finished things off before we could enjoy it though."

"Um...when you say shark, are you talking about Squalo? Wait, don't tell me you killed off all your opponents." Oh come fucking on! Even if they ARE killer robots, it doesn't mean they don't have hearts either!!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL THEM!!!

They looked at her quizzically. "Robots?"

...never mind.

Speaking of which, where was the stupid gayass fucker anyway? He should've been here by now, yelling his lungs off about how he chopped his opponent to pieces or something shitty like that. Filai opened her mouth to ask, but was beaten to it by Xanxus. "The scum's dead." He said, smirking just a little at the thought. "Eaten by his own kind."

"...." Wait, what? "A....are you saying that he was eaten by people?" CANNIBALISM?!!! EW!!! THAT IS SO FUCKING NASTY! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!

Xanxus threw a rock at her. "I meant figuratively, shithead."

"Oh....so...he wasn't eaten?"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I MEANT HE WAS EATEN BY A SHARK!"

Silence. "Ohhhhhh....that was what you're talking about. Well, you could've just said so earlier! Not everyone gets your twisted humor, you kn-" She stopped, because the words just finished being processed through her brain, and Marmon was right. The result wasn't something she liked. "Squalo's dead...you mean?"

"Finally figured it out?" Xanxus muttered, rolling his eyes and shoving past her. "Took long enough. Thanks to him, we have to stay in this shithole for another day." With that being said and done, he left the room, followed by his evil minions.

Filai felt that now was a perfect time to cry like an idiot and she was pretty sure she would have...if...Superbia Squalo's dead body was right in front of her...which it wasn't. Which meant he was most likely alive, if not in the best of shapes. But still alive. Gut instinct, one could call it. Or maybe it was just the fact that she's already purposely placed him in numerous situations that were much more painful than...getting eaten by a shark (examples being throwing him into a volcano, planting a bomb in his hair, putting deadly poison in his food, sticking a rattlesnake in his bed, etc.) and he's...survived them all.

In other words, if he managed to live through every piece of shit she's put him through only to be killed by a middle schooler that was apparently armed with a shark, then she's really going to fucking kill something.

Which was why, thirty minutes later, she was wandering into Namimori Junior High school grounds, looking for a place that looked like it might have been a battlesite recently. AKA a fucked up place.

That train of thought led her to some strange, sealed up building, which certainly was rather abnormal, since it was sticking out from...you know, NOT sealed up buildings. She circled the area, spotting an unlocked door. She opened it, and jumped back in horror at what was inside. Holy son of a bitch....

Water. Water on water. Water in water. Water drowning water. Water pouring water. Water all over the damn place.

Here was a little fact about Filai. She hated water just about as much as Xanxus hated preventative alcoholic addiction therapy sessions, which was...quite a lot, if anyone was wondering. The liquid was so slimy and cold and oxygen free (no, she couldn't swim) and uncomfortable in the ear and up the nose and against the skin and...urgh....She paled at the thought of it. They had to fight HERE? Yes. Now was the time for empathy.

Anyhow...what was she doing again? Oh yes, confirming the validity of Squalo's death.

Which...involved making contact with ice cold H2O

.....fuck no. Sure, she loved Squalo and all, and she would be very willing to jump into a volcano or some shit like that just for his useless sake....

...But...this wasn't a volcano. And she probably wouldn't jump in a volcano, now that she thought about it. So...

Filai walked back out of the building, slamming the door shut. Well, my eardrums always did need a break. Let's just consider it as a noble and completely voluntary sacrifice for the sake of my hearing. He'll never be forgotten.

She turned to leave, and spotted a group of black suited men plus one in casual garb circling a stretcher. Which wouldn't usually have been enough to divert her attention from the task of getting the hell out of this place...but...that messy mob of blonde hair looked awfully....familiar...

Right on cue, Blondie turned around and found her staring at him. His eyes widened with surprise. "F...Filai?"

Ah, she remembered now. That guy. Dino Cavellone, head of one of the most powerful Mafia families ever, and Squalo's old friend/classmate/former punching bag (the latter more so). A pretty nice guy, she remembered, unless he got nailed on the head at some point in time and went through a complete personality change. But judging from that stupidly good natured smile (oh god, the NICENESS OF IT! HER EYES!!!! IT BURNS!!!), that wasn't the case right now.

Dino ran over to her. "I can't believe it." He said, rubbing his eyes for good measure. "Yo....you're alive?!"

She looked down and up at herself. "I think so." Last time I checked, dead people couldn't talk.

Unlike people with half a brain, Dino remained blissfully unaware of her telepathic tendencies to this day. "Wow, did you grow taller?"

"No, you grew shorter, so it's all relative." Was the wry reply and he blinked curiously.

"Oh, did I?" He asked bewilderedly, almost looking panicked for a second. "I didn't know that people could grow shorter..."

What the hell is this thing? Yamamoto the second?! "N...never mind. I was being sarcastic."

His expression lit up. "You joke now? That's great!" He exclaimed brightly, oozing happiness and niceness. It was nearly enough to knock her out cold. "That's great! Glad to see you became more lighthearted than before."

Yep. He's Yamamoto II alright. HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! JOKES AND SARCASM ARE DIFFERENT!!! And of course, Dino remained innocently ignorant of her mental connotations. The douche. "...Sure...anyway...What are you doing here?"

"Ah...that's..." He glanced nervously at the stretcher behind him. The occupant of said stretcher was hidden by his men. "Can you keep a secret, Filai?"

"Only if I want to."

"Oh come on now." Dino coaxed, showing her a pair of eyes that were positively pleading (And not cute at all. I like Xanxus's more when he's thinking about how to gruesomely tear his victim gut by gut into miniscule pieces. They sort of dilate, you know...so he looks ten times crazier than usual...which is already saying something, of course). "That's not reassuring at all. Oh, I know! Let's call it a secret between men, 'kay?" He held out a hand. "Pinky promise, alright?"

She stared at his hand blankly. "But...I'm not a guy."

"Well, that's not impor..." He drifted off, and stared right back. "Wait, you're not a boy?" He asked, looking her down confusedly.

Never mind, he's not Yamamoto II after all. HE'S FUCKING TOO STUPID FOR THAT TITLE! "N...no..." I MET YOU WHEN I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD! HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO KEEP THAT SORT OF SHITTY MINDSET FOR SIX YEARS, YOU JACKASS!!!!!?????? "I'm a girl."

Dino gulped, flushing at the unexpected realization. "I...see...." He finally struggled out. "Th...that's...I mean, that's...great...yeah...er..." And groaned. "Sorry!!! When Squalo told me you were some little kid who liked to cross dress as a girl, I took him seriously! I didn't realize he was joking too! I'm really, terribly sorry!!!"

The thing was... Squalo probably wasn't joking. The little bastard. Next time I get my hands on him, I'll- "Wait, Dino. That man on the stretcher..." She spotted a flash of sleek silver dangling from the edge. "...that doesn't so happen to be..."

Dino sighed, nodding in affirmation. "Yeah, it's Squalo." He said wearily, running a hand through his blonde mob of hair (Filai: you ever planning on getting a haircut?). "We barely managed to save him from the shark."

You mean there was seriously a shark? "Can I see him?"

"Of course....wait." He glanced at her. "How do you know that that's Squalo?"

"Well, he's the reason why I'm not on an airplane back to Italy right this moment." The bastard. He just HAD to postpone my biology test even more, didn't he?

"No, that's not what I...why are you here in Namimori in the first place?!" He yelled, alarm flashing on his face. He looked at Squalo, then back at her, then back at Squalo again. "Wait a sec. Don't tell me that you joined the Varia!"

"I wouldn't call it joined...since I didn't exactly have a choice to refuse in the first place." She said honestly. "So yes, I'm Xanxus's Cloud Guardian." She held out a hand. "Nice to meet you. By the way, if you tell that to anyone, I'll murder you in your sleep...or..." Filai contemplated the possibility of things. "...I could always do what I did to your friend Tony when you were in high school."

Dino looked horrified. "But...he wouldn't come out of the sewers unless we gave him some pig feet." He whispered.

Filai gave him a thumbs-up. "So let's keep it a secret between men then." She offered, point-blank, and Dino flinched. "So...moving on." SQUALO!!!!!!!

And he looked like....a complete wreck, and that description was used quite loosely, because it was quite frankly the biggest understatement ever committed due to the lack of a more adequate term, but that part was insignificant. There were gashes and cuts all over him. A few very deep teeth marks across his face, a dysfunctional left hand...actually, there wasn't much of a left hand remaining......she'll have to order him a new uniform (usually she would've just sewn it up, but this one was already beyond repairable hope), lots and lots of blood....dripping all over the place (somehow, his hair was completely intact and blood free. WTF much?)

Noticing Filai's complete loss of words, Dino tried to console her. "I know it's hard to see him like this, but we're going to put him through surgery immediately, and I'm sure you know how resilient Squalo is, so there's still a good chance that he'll make it throu-"

"...Cute." Filai said numbly.

Silence. Then. "...what?"

"He looks...really...really....really..........adorable." She muttered absentmindedly, still staring at her nearly dead colleague. "I mean...look at all the blood spilling out of him...and the cuts and slashes and wounds are so deep looking...ah, there's blood smeared over his face too."

Dino exchanged awkward looks with his men. "Er...Filai. You...." He swallowed nervously. "...do you have some sort of S&M fetish, by any chance...?"

"No." She replied, and before they could sigh with relief, she added, "Just the S part, since I just like watching other people suffer more." But can't you see the sheer cuteness of it?! I mean, Squalo's already really cute, so of course he'd look so sweet after being literally torn up and-

Filai didn't notice Dino and his men slowly edging away from her. Step...by step....by step...

"I want to hug him. If I knew he would be this cute, then I would've tried to kill him more often."

(They weren't sure what was creepier; what she just said, or the fact that she just said it without even changing her expression. Maybe both...)

"Does everybody look this adorable when they're bleeding to death? Oh, I should test it out." She shot a wistful look at Dino, who quailed and ducked behind his men.

*

Filai was in high spirits when she returned. When asked why, she replied by informing them that she had seen the most fucking adorable thing ever and because they've known her for quite a while, the rest of the Varia paled considerably at the thought, because a happy Filai was never a good thing, and a happy Filai right after the death of Superbia Squalo (which would normally send her into the pits of depression hell) was definitely something to be worried about.

So nobody was particularly surprised when the next twelve hours of their lives were filled with many traps and traps and more traps that all put them at possible risks of being skewered and bloodied up and not quite so dead, but still fucked up....every step they go.

All the while, Filai was saying about how she and Gola Mosca were just trying to make them....cuter...while she cheerfully piloted Gola Mosca into doing many destructive things.

(Filai: Come on! I just want to see you guys completely ravaged and devastated and covered with your own blood and sweat. Is that too much to ask for?! Especially you, Xanxus! You've always been cute in the first place, so imagine how much more lovable you'd be with some sharp and pointy stuff stabbed through you?!)

(Xanxus: FUCKING S+M BITCH!)

(Filai: ..........It's just the S part...)

Yeah, Filai turned all psycho again. It's in her genes. I mean it, literally. It's in her genes.

NEW ARC FOR KHR! HURRAH! AH, the new wimpy kid's sort of cute. Ahahahaha. I wanna see the Varia again.