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Chapter 4, Arguing with myself
"Hey, it's Ant here! I've been having a pretty bad day. Well, it was a good day. A great day, actually, but it's funny how in seconds that could change. I was finally going to ask her, guys. I was going to ask the girl I loved to go out with me. I know you guys are like, "Shut up about this girl already!" but I can't. I screwed everything up. Okay, you guys I'm sorry this isn't my usual fun self, but I'm freaking depressed! Anyone wanna bring up a different topic; send it to me, so I can change the subject, because I'm probably annoying the crap out of you all." Anthony or Ant was this guy who made his own advice show. He used a voice modifier, though, so he's basically anonymous, because I have a feeling his name isn't Anthony. I listen to him on the computer, so I was happy that I packed my laptop. Everyone at school looks to him for advice, or to brighten their day. He always has something amazingly freaking awesome to say! I'm kinda obsessed…
Ant's word brought back today and I realized that I was in the same kind of predicament. I grabbed my phone and quickly typed something in, pausing after every word to check the roads. I knew texting while driving was dangerous, but right now I didn't really care. I hit the send button hoping he would read it.
"Wow, um you guys still amaze me with how much feedback I get. I'll choose randomly, so…Okay, here's one, Already Gone says, "I'm in love with my best friend, but he likes someone else. I want him to be happy, but it hurts, and to add to that the girl he likes is a complete slut. What should I do?" I nearly choked when he read it though. "Well, I would say tell him how you feel and if he's an ass about it, call me up, I'll beat his ass for you!" I laughed a little at that, but he continued. "No, but just tell him. If he was your best friend he would at least listen to you, I hope, and if not, then you need a new best friend." No dip, Sherlock. "I'm sorry, that was all really hypocritical of me. I didn't listen to her. Well, I did listen, but I didn't fully comprehend it until it was too late. But just don't lose hope. It is literally the only thing that is keeping me going right now. This show will be short, sorry, but I'm really not in the mood. Just thought I'd check up on you all out there. We're gonna end tonight with a little bit from The Cure. This is 'Gone'." Music started playing and I recognized the song immediately. I loved The Cure and so did Edward. Just thinking his name hurt. I sang along softly as the music started to play.
oh you know how it is
wake up feeling blue
and everything that could be wrong is
including you
black clouds and rain and pain in your head
and all you want to do is stay in bed
but if you do that you'll be missing the world
because it doesn't stop turning whatever you heard
if you do that you'll be missing the world
you have to get up get out and get gone!
yeah you know how it is
wake up feeling green
sick as a dog and six times as mean
you don't want to sing you don't want to play
you don't want to swing you don't want to sway
all you want to do is nothing
on a day like today
but if you do that you'll be missing the world
because it doesn't stop turning whatever you heard
if you do that you'll be missing the world
you have to get up get out and get gone!
Yeah get up get out and have some fun
you have to get up get out and get gone!
Yeah get up get out and get it on
get up get out and get gone!
you have to get up get out and get living
yeah this is really it...
so you know how it is
wake up feeling grey
nothing much to think and nothing much to say
don't want to talk don't want to try
don't want to think don't want to know
who what where when or why...
oh but you do that and you're missing the world
yeah it's happening right now whatever you heard
you do that and you're missing the world
you have to get up get out and get gone!
Yeah get up get out and have some fun
you have to get up get out and get gone!
Yeah get up get out and get it on
get up get out and get gone!
You have to get up get out and get living
yeah this is really it!
"Goodnight everybody and congrats to the football players, you guys were awesome. And to Already Gone, don't give up hope. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. But it could help if there was an added little push. I know I won't give up on her. And if she does know who I am and she's listening right now…Well, I'm sorry." I heard him sigh. "Alright, goodnight guys." The screen went black.
Great, now what do I do? Driving all the way to Florida seemed insane, especially in my truck. I would defend him in a heartbeat, but even I knew my truck wouldn't make it far.
Yes, believe it or not, my truck was a 'him'.
His name is Pedro.
Why?
I really like Napoleon Dynamite.
He-who-shall-not-be-named and Charlie laughed when I told them that. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. Boys! Pffftt! At least I didn't obsess over a Volvo! I mean, could it be more girly? It looked like something my mom would drive and she enjoys pink things and ruffles. I know scary, right?
Stupid shiny Volvo owner!
Now, if some of you are still stuck on the 'who-shall-not-be-named' person, well then fine I'll tell you now, it's not Voldemort.
'Nuff said.
Anyways, I was now driving, anywhere but Forks, Washington, the place that will be remembered as Dream Crusher from now on. Or maybe that should be Voldemort's new nickname. Hey, it's shorter! In my head he shall be Dream Crusher. In public you shall be known as D.C. and not the one with the white house!
I wonder what Edward is doing right now?—
Wait, I mean Dream Crusher! And I don't care what he's doing! He's probably having victory sex with that slut, and completely forgotten about me, poor little fat Bella. Always a charity case. I wonder if that's why we were even friends. So he could climb the social ladder as one of the sweetest, hottest, most amazing person—
(A/N: If you are afraid of crazy Bella/Bianca, then stop reading here! Warning: Continue at your own risk! Well, maybe I'm overreacting, but, hey it gets pretty…weird. I warned you!)
I mean, screw that bastard.
But how could you fake so much of your life like that?
Actors do it all the time.
Yeah, but they got paid for that kind of thing. He has stood up for me so many times, too. And always making me smile and laugh. He always looked and seemed so genuine. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Lauren is an actual person. Or a good person at that. Maybe I made the wrong choice to leave. If he can see her in that way then I can try, too, right?
Right?
I sighed. No, no I can't. It would kill me too much to see the person I love happy with someone else. I would want to be supportive and I couldn't do that with all the pain. I wouldn't be able to hide it and I know it, too. Look at me now. I'm a mess and this isn't even what I would feel compared to how I would feel if I had to see it every day. I mean, once was enough to break me completely. I couldn't live through that.
Maybe in time, I will heal and be able to see him with someone else.
Or maybe you won't.
Will you just shut the fuck up! I'm trying to think positive, why do you have to bring me down? I'm trying to forget and move on. You're not helping! Just go away! I don't even want to talk to you anymore.
Silence.
Is it bad when you scream at yourself to leave yourself alone? Sigh. Yeah, I thought so, too.
I'm sorry.
Silence.
Ugh! I can't take this much quiet. Normally it would've been peaceful, but now I just want something loud and complicated. I didn't want to be able to think, so I flipped on the radio.
"Hey! Call in and Lucinda will try to seduce your man. Will he fall for it? Or does he—" Um, next! I pressed another button. Hmm, rock. No, it reminded me too much of Dream Crusher. Next! Rap/Hip-hop was safe ground, or so I thought. The music irritated me so much I just turned the damn thing off completely. I don't really need a distraction anyways; the voice in my head will come back eventually.
No I won't.
You're back!
Never went anywhere…
Oh…Well, now this is awkward.
Yeah…So, I heard you were having a problem with music?
Um, no, I don't have a problem. What makes you think that?
Just turn on the radio.
Why—
Turn it on.
Okay, okay. Jeez, pushy!
I flipped on the radio, and waited a few seconds. Nothing came out, but then out of nowhere there were soft strumming. It was an acoustic guitar and it sounded like it was recorded on a cell-phone.
What is this?
Just listen.
She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody
She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me
She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause it's Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Will you come and kiss me
She's a bright smile
And I'm feeling kinda tipsy
She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I hold When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing
And she's everything I ever wanted
and everything I need I talk about her, I go on and on and on because she's everything to me
She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me
Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me
everything to me
I sat in a stunned silence as the last note rang before I heard shuffling and a click.
What the hell was that?
What did it sound like?
Was it…him? His voice was deep and soulful, but there was also a little pain. Anyone could hear it. Wait, how did you know that was playing?
I didn't.
Then why did you—
Don't question it. Now pay attention to the road.
Excuse you? Wait, at least answer one of my questions! Please? Puppy-dog pouts worked the best. I think they still do, even if you're using them on yourself.
I could've sworn I heard a little sigh and I imagined someone rolling their eyes.
Fine, yes.
Yes, you'll answer my question? I was confused now.
No, you big oaf. Yes, it was him. Now, pay attention to the road!
I think I might've swerved off the road a little. Oh well, the streets were deserted anyways. He-who-shall-not-be-named (Dream Crusher seemed a little mean, now that I've calmed some.) has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. It was soft and sweet, but powerful at the same time. Just like him.
Why did you show me this? I need to let him go. I can't do this. Why do you keep being so…so…Unhelpful? Well, that was a word for it.
I'm helping you. You just don't know it yet. It's going to hurt now, but if you have faith, it will get better. You will get better. There's an airport in the next twenty miles or so. You're almost gone, so just pay attention to the roads.
I was surprised by how much time had already passed. Arguing with yourself is a great way to pass time. I wonder if I could make a career of it, like Jeff Dunham. Probably not, he had puppets to make him seem less crazy. I'd probably be put in a mental hospital. Hell, I should be in a mental hospital now, checking myself in for reasons of insanity. I blame video games.
The voice in my head snorted. Yeah, and rap music.
I knew I liked you. I smiled. An actual smile. If I could hug myself…Oh wait, I can!
But I would rather live, so keep your hands on the wheel!
Oh, ha ha, sorry!
Not that far now, make a left and then keep going straight.
Okay, I think I got it, thanks.
No problem.
Silence settled over me, but this time I didn't freak out.
Can I ask you a question?
I can't promise an answer.
Fair enough.
So…?
How did you know? He doesn't like the attention like that, so I doubt he would put it on the radio.
For a moment there was nothing but the sound of Pedro roaring away, then a sigh.
Elizabeth. She recorded him playing this song tonight. And that wasn't the radio. It was…it was actually live, so while he played, you heard the whole thing.
How is that possible?
It's…complicated. Silence, this time strained. Turn here. I did as I was told and turned, while storing this new information for later.
I always knew Ed—I mean He-who-shall-not-be-named—was musically gifted, but I never knew he was that amazing. I remember he wouldn't play for an audience because of a rule his mother had.
FLASHBACK
The young girl and her best friend were at his house. The girl was trying to persuade her best friend to play her a song. The boy refused constantly, only saying how his mother had one rule when it came to music, no showing off.
Of course, the girl argued, saying how she didn't mind and that he should brag as much as he wanted to. The boy didn't waste time in whipping out a quick remark in record time.
"My mother has always said I am not supposed to show off," The boy argued a losing battle for about the hundredth time. He sighed and walked to the small leather couch in his room. His best friend sat beside him, still arguing her case.
"You're not showing off for me. It's me, Bella, your best friend! I've known you forever and I promise I won't laugh at how bad it sounds." She changed her tactic last minute, trying to go at him a different way. He was always up for a challenge, and the girl knew that. The boys eyes flashed before he quickly covered it.
Shaking his head, he sighed. As he opened his mouth to speak a voice from the door cut him off. "Edward, come on and show Bella how well you can really play. I mean, she's your best friend, I bet if she could do something great she would share it with you," After the words left the boy's mother's mouth, she froze. "I mean, I didn't mean it like that, Bella, I just—" But the girl cut her off.
"Its okay, Mrs. Masen, I get what you're saying." The girl smiled smugly down at the boy. Now he had no way to refuse! The girl gave him a pointed look as if to say 'Go ahead, tell your mom no. Do it.' The boy sighed again, but walked towards the door. "Thanks Mrs. Masen!" The girl called back to the woman standing in the doorway as the boy and girl walked down the hallway.
"It's Elizabeth, Bella," The woman reminded the girl. The girl knew this, obviously, but old habits die hard.
"Right," The girl called back. That was the day the girl decided that her best friend was perfect. Oh, how wrong she was…
END FLASHBACK
The airport was coming into view and I sighed in relief. I decided I would call Charlie when I'm half way across the country, just to be safe. I don't think he would take the news too well, but I couldn't stay in Forks, like mother like daughter.
I wonder if I should call my mom…?
Nah, she likes surprises, not sure about Phil, though.
Oh, well.
Jesus. You guys were warned. Not expecting that were you? Sorry for leaving for a while! After that computer breakdown my family kinda went through something really bad and I've been coping with it since. I literally sat down and stared at a blank document for what felt like forever until I just started typing! And then I couldn't stop and this is what you get at 3:51 in the morning. Yeah, that explains the content in this chapter.
Maybe you could think about reviewing? Or you could do it, ya know, I would like if you did it. Wow, did that sound dirty? Maybe it's me; I mean it is 3:52 now! Ah, well I'm going to sleep, so bye! Hope you enjoyed it! (:
Oh and the songs were 'Gone' By: The Cure and 'She's everything' By: Brad Paisley. (-Changed some lyrics in that one) Two different styles in the same chapter. Uh-huh, I went there. (;