A/N: This is still failure of all failures, but I rewrote this chapter! I personally think its better, but my humor switch is still turned off (and broken), so it's longer, and still pretty cheesy at some points or the other. On the bright side, Squalo shows up a tiny bit more. And Mukuro attempts to give Filai a lesson in love. Attempts, being the key word. Needless to say, Filai does not take it well.

WARNING: Longest. Damn. Chapter. Yet. 7000+ words, not including author notes and the ridiculously long omake. Grand total of 8000+ words, long and short, shitty and shittier. So for anyone who's cleaning their brains off their keyboards by the end of this (brain liquidation!), you have been warned. I will also be selling virtual brain bleach at a cheap price. So don't sue me.

Chapter 14

Prison Cell

Filai's made a list. By memory one, of course, since they didn't give her any writing material, and using her blood as ink wasn't somewhere she wanted to fall to just quite yet. The option was always there for her though. Ever since half her nails were forcibly pulled out of her hand (the Varia could've done better; they would've used a cheese grater), there were cracks in her fingers and they wouldn't stop bleeding. She figured if she wrote big enough and made sure the blood didn't drip too much, the words could almost be legible.

There were ten things she was going to do if she ever made it out of this alive.

1) Get Squalo to watch Titanic with her. Play the Jaws theme song in the background.
2) Transfer half her bank account to Marmon's.
3) Use the rest of her money to spoil the Varia rotten.
4) Take pictures. Lots of pictures.
5) Increase her daily caffeine intake by 200 percent.
6) Tell Sawada Tsunayoshi he's an idiot. Then drill science facts into his puny brain until he gets a 100 percent on his test.
7) Ask Bel to hit her in the back of the head until she forgets her full name.
8) Drag Hibari Kyouya to Yamamoto Takeshi's sushi restaurant again. Extra wasabi, of course.
9) Buy Xanxus some stronger cologne. The one he was using doesn't cover up the alcohol scent very well.
10) Get color contacts.

It was never in that specific order. Her memory wasn't that good, so the arrangements changed every time she ran the list through her head.

But there was a reason why Titanic and Jaws were always on top. It came to her mind first, every single time.

I have too much free time. Filai decided, grimacing. She must be going insane, because Xanxus didn't use cologne in the first place, and Tsunayoshi getting a perfect score on his test was like Sasagawa Ryohei abandoning boxing in favor of ballet (Ryohei in a tutu. That's just, urg, scary). Bel didn't hit people. He stabbed them. Hibari and Yamamoto were both practically on the other side of Eurasia. Squalo hated Titanic almost as much as Saturday morning cartoons.

And above all else, Filai never was going to get out of this dingy prison cell with its dirt and shackles and the decrepit human bones of previous unfortunates lying in the corners, so what was the point of her half delusional directory again?

The last few days have fallen into a basic routine. Torture, then interrogation, then sleep. No food or water, though sometimes through the multitude of gashes and cuts strewn across the skin, Filai could make out small red pricks on her arms that might've been from IV needle injections. Probably applied when she was unconscious, and for that she was grateful, because needles really sucked shit.

And of course, no coffee. The only reason why her caffeine addiction was never a problem was because she never went without any coffee for more than a day.

Then came now, where withdrawal symptoms weren't helping at all and Filai was faintly sure she was close to throwing up at a time when the only things available in her body for puking were her internal organs. No, throwing up on an empty stomach was not something she recommended.

"So, Titanic?"

What? She immediately lurched up in shock, only to remember that the vast majority of her ribs were indeed broken or fractured, and thus the next half minute had Mukuro's soft chuckles floating through her head in noxious gases as she collapsed back down on the floor and ran profanity through her head like rolling headlines on the six o'clock news.

"You look like you're having fun."

Ten seconds later and Filai was observant enough to find herself staring not at a prison cell ceiling, but instead at the root of all that was evil and vile, otherwise known as the quintessential freak of nature Mukuro Rokudo. All the while sprawled very unseemingly in a field of soft grass and flowers with petals so damn pink that she was quite sure had this scene been in real life, they'd have MADE IN CHINA tags sticking from the stems. Nature's imagination wasn't fucked up enough to invent that shade of shit excuse for color.

"I am." Was the deadpan response. "Want me to show you all my merit badges? I worked hard to get them." Filai raised a hand up, and blinked when she found that there wasn't a scratch on it. It was then she realized belatedly that all her injuries had disappeared. For the moment.

A condescending smirk swept across Mukuro's face. "You can announce your undying gratefulness to me now."

Not happening. Filai pushed herself up. She almost forgot what it was like to move without feeling like there were knives jammed in her joints. "You know, I think you should change this place's style. I mean, shouldn't Mukuro wonderland have guillotines and severed heads instead of trees and birds?" Unless you're so stupid you can't tell the difference. I'm waiting for the day you try to chop off someone's head with a tree branch.

"I have a funny anecdote about that, actually." Mukuro was malicious. "True story."

Doesn't that serve my point that you are in fact too much of an idiot to distinguish a guillotine from a tree?

"No, It serves the point that I don't need a generic head chopping device to actually chop your head off." The ex-Mafioso smiled, mismatched eyes flashing innocuously in the sunlight, and Filai automatically scooted away from him. "Anyhow, as much as it's hard to believe, I actually came here for a reason other than listening to your pleasant tongue lashing at work."

"Good to know my existence is that appreciated."

"You're welcome." Mukuro offered, and before Filai could flip him off, he continued smoothly. "I have a proposal. One that I feel you might be inclined to accept."

And that was the cue for Filai to become paranoid. Or, not paranoid, because no amount of caution was too gratuitous when it came to dealing with Mukuro Rokudo, so she frowned, in a way that almost implied she didn't trust the conniving bastard at all. Because really, she didn't. "If it has something to do with your plans of world destruction,"

"No, it doesn't."

"Not taking over Sawada Tsunayoshi's body?"

"Actually, I don't really need your help for that, so that's not really the issue at the moment."

"I happen to like pandas, so if there are plans of destroying China running loose in that twisted pineapple head of yours..."

Here, Mukuro's smile flickered just barely. Was it annoyance? No, never. "Just what kind of impression do you have of me, exactly?" Alright, maybe it was. Why wasn't Filai running for her life yet? "Actually, never mind. I don't want to know. I'm afraid stupidity might be contagious."

That would explain a lot of things. Your subordinates noticeable lack of intelligence, for example.

That was around when Mukuro threw a dead tuna at her (with a picture of Sawada Tsunayoshi on it) because he was pretty sure she just implied he was stupid and that he was just not pleased about whatsoever. Hypocritical bastard.

Varia HQ

Life was not fair.

And no, Squalo did not care about the birds and bunnies in Aesop's fables stating the contrary, or half assed soap operas with the grade A bastards actually getting the shit they deserve. The guy working fifteen hours a day in a food joint would never make an income larger than the allowances of that rich kid who couldn't tie his own shoelace to save his fucking life. The sweetest creature ever to grace the continent could die from food poisoning with ten years of life to his name. The psycho killers with Murder Happy Mondays circled and marked on the calendar do actually get away with it half the time.

Filai's shit excuse dad was closer to her than the homicidal assassin who used to help her on her math homework, and make her lunch, and show up at school registration because she didn't have a proper guardian. Fuck, the mailman and the garbage collectors were closer in proximity to the biology addicted sadomasochist than the guy who nearly drowned her in a pool and wouldn't talk to her for days when she beat him at Street Fighters. And that was just unfair. Completely, undeniably unfair—

"—Squ kun? Are you sure you're alright?"

Probably not, if he was brooding over Aesop and S+M fetish—

Squalo blinked, then he blinked again, because Lussuria's face was much too close to his for comfort, and even when he had shot a leg out and sent the martial artist crashing through the wall, there were still shivers going down his spine in spirals and fuck they just won't go away.

A girly titter, and Lussuria gingerly pulled himself out of the rubble pile. "It looks like you're fine after all, Squ kun. Moping aside."

Squalo bristled. "Voi! I'm not moping." He snapped defensively, because he was indeed not moping. The denial fell rather flat, however, because it was then that he instinctively prepared himself for some deadpan snark from one Filai or another, only to look at the empty seat next to him and return to moping. "I'm not moping."

Lussuria sighed. "Squ kun, you tried to brush your teeth with chocolate syrup yesterday."

Silence. Squalo twitched. Shit.

"And tried to clean your sword with polisher, only to realize to late that you were actually cleaning a butter knife with super glue." An exasperated sigh. "It was my favorite utensil too."

More silence.

"Not to mention blow drying your hair with a rocket launcher." Good thing he missed (at point blank range, which is sad, but hey, you take what you can get)

To which Squalo ventured a half hearted "They sort of have the same shape."

"You're moping." Lussuria stated flatly.

Squalo was indignant. "Voi! I fucking told you already, I'm not moping!" He screeched, grabbing his sword and shaking ominously it in Lussuria's general direction. Lussuria stared, and Squalo was just about to ask what the hell was wrong when he noticed that his sword was indeed not his sword. He blinked again. Oh shit.

Two seconds later, Dino Cavellone walked cheerily into the room. "Sheesh, Squalo. I was looking all over the place for you—"

The grenade exploded.

Prison Cell (Mukuro-Land)

Filai was incredulous. "You really thought this out, didn't you?" She said in disbelief.

"I take that as a compliment." Mukuro flashed her a quick grin. "So how about it? Doesn't sound like a bad deal, right?"

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she chained together the pieces of information the ex-Mafioso had just dumped on her in impolite droves. "So let me get this straight." She stated, finally raising her head to stare at Mukuro. "You want to arrange for the Viavideche's downfall."

"Please don't tell me that's all you got from my half hour lecture."

Resisting the urge to kick him, she continued. "You were a part of the Estraneo family. The one with the child experiments."

Mukuro brightened. "So you were listening after all. I feel rather proud of you."

No, Filai graciously did not skewer the man with a random tree branch. Which isn't to say she didn't try. Anyhow, continuing. "Recently, you paid a visit to your old home, and uncovered scattered documents with vague hints, but no definite statement that it was the Viavideche who not only secretly financed and supported the development of the possession bullet, but also the multiple experiments carried out AFTER your family's alienation from the underground world." Filai sighed, feeling her breath wasting away. Tiredly, she muttered "And you believe that my family would keep records of these associations with the Estraneo?"

He leaned in, eyes shining with some strange anticipation. And that would be just fine, except it was motivated by such a maniacal hatred, of insane proportions, so Filai drew back, feeling faintly sick. "Think about it." He whispered, voice deathly gently. "If such documents were exposed, the Viavideche would be ruined. Destroyed, in the very same way that the Estraneo had fallen. Not only that, but such activities are highly illegal. In the best case scenario (well, worst for them) even the Vendicare would come after them."

"And let me guess. You get revenge. I get to go back to the Varia. Everyone's happy." Filai rolled her eyes. "Mukuro, what in the world would make you think that I would betray my own family, assholes as they are I admit, just to risk everything with some psychopath who may or may not abandon me the first chance he gets?"

Pause. Mukuro blinked bemusedly. "You won't?"

Filai was offended. "Of course I will."

Varia HQ

"So," Dino began awkwardly, as the last of the bandages were applied and a very patched up Squalo was slouching miserably in the couch next to him. Trust him to come over just to give his (not moping!) old classmate sweet little pep talks with TV drama logic. The twit. It was good to see him. "I heard Lussuria saying you were moping."

Pause. Squalo took a cushion and threw it full force in Dino's face. Not so good to see him after all.

Painfully rubbing his nose, Dino put a comforting hand on Squalo's shoulder. The swordsman swatted it off like a fly. "Listen, you know Filai really loves you guys." Squalo might've choked at that. Moving on. "Just think of what'd she'd say if she saw you like this."

She wouldn't say anything. Just take pictures and use them as blackmail leverage. The jerk she was.

Dino thus cringed. "Uh, that's beside the point." He amended by way of apology, and Squalo shot him a dirty glare. "The point is that I don't think she wants you of all people to be so gloomy. I mean, it's not like she'll disappear on you forever, right?" Disregarding the fact that they were now officially on opposite sides of a family feud that has been going on for generations. No problem at all.

"Why the fuck did she leave in the first place?" Squalo muttered under his breath.

Here, Dino hesitated. The details. He did know them, actually, but the 9th's orders had been clear. Not a word to the Varia (though rumor has it that Xanxus already found out). Especially not to Squalo, and shit knows what'll happen if Dino so much as breathes a hint on it. So instead, the Cavellone boss swallowed his pity and forced a cheery smile. "It's Filai. She's smart. She must've left for a good reason."

Pause. He frowned as an odd idea struck him.

"Uh, why don't you just call her?"

Silence.

Squalo was miserable. He dumped chocolate pudding on the idiot's head. Then he went to go find his cell phone.

Prison Cell (Real World)

"Are you ready?"

"No, not at all."

"Well, that doesn't really matter." Mukuro was disturbingly gleeful as his red eye flared with energy of uncomfortable nature. The black '1' kanji gleamed, and five seconds later, the bars of Filai's prison cell shattered into miniscule dust.

Filai blinked, and almost suspected that pissing off Mukuro Rokudo was in fact, not a very good idea. "E-er, you can work on nonliving objects too?" She muttered awkwardly, shielding her eyes with an arm as the particles scattered in the air. So, that's the same thing you did with my body too, isn't it?

"Correct." Mukuro mused leisurely, voice reverberating uncomfortably in her head. "Since something's preventing your mind from being able to sense my illusions, I instead chose to apply them directing towards your bones and injuries. That way, they will be able to move."

She stumbled out of the cell, wincing as needles and stabs ran up her limbs with every minimum effort. "Except since illusions still don't work on my nerve sensories, I can still feel all my injuries like nothing's changed." She sighed, leaning against the wall for support. "I hate the world."

Before Mukuro can insulate something snarky that she didn't want to hear, footsteps cut him off, clattering loudly from the near corner.

One of the prison guards came into view. He immediately stepped back in alarm as he saw Filai standing in front of the destroyed cell. "How did you—" He stopped dead.

Filai was confused. "What?"

He pointed at her fearfully, finger shaking with some ill placed terror. Filai had to raise an eyebrow. Even if Mukuro's illusions had covered up all the blood and cuts, she didn't recall appearing that intimidating. Then. "Y-you. What's wrong with your eye?"

"My what?"

Too late. With his usual ax happy tendencies, Mukuro's powers activated again. Five seconds later, and the guard subsequently became one with the wall paint. Gruesome. Filai was almost amused. And Tsunayoshi kun calls me a sadist.

And moving on. "So what was that guy saying about my eye?" Filai muttered, gingerly stepping over the decrepit, bloody corpse.

Kufufufu. Mukuro's chuckle was full of genuine mirth. That usually didn't bode well for her. "There's a mirror over there. Why don't you go take a look?"

Filai was skeptical as she dragged herself over to the alleged location of said mirror. "And why would there be a mirror down in a basement prison?"

"Same reason why we're both conversing in Japanese when we both have Italian as our native tongue." Mukuro provided with a grin. "It's convenient for plot—"

Don't you dare break the fourth wall, you bastard. Filai was irritated. She rolled her eyes before glancing disinterestedly into the mirror. She stared. Then stared some more. And internally died. Holy shit on a stick. "I don't know what to make of this, exactly."

Her left eye was fine. It was completely normal, well, as in it was still its usual sickly neon pink. Nothing different about it at all. It was her right eye, however, that had been responsible for a near heart attack. Filai was in much awe. "I look like your and my dad's lovechild." She sputtered as she attempted a glare at the familiar blood red, kanjified orb that now served as her right eye. Mukuro's right eye. She was freaking sharing an eye with Mukuro. That was just messed up.

Obviously that wasn't the response that Mukuro had been anticipating. He mentally whacked her on the back of the head. "Anyone I even partially possess will gain it temporarily." He explained, as Filai tried in vain to clutch her head with a broken arm.

You ARE a narcissist bastard, you know that?

"A healthy dose of self confidence is necessary to attract enough support to pull off World War Three." Mukuro advised slyly. "Especially when you're planning on using Sawada Tsunayoshi's pathetic body to pull it all off."

Filai really wished she could shoot him. "So if we want to dig out any old records, we'll probably have to go to the library. It's on the other side of the mansion. First floor." She trudged by the guard's desk when she spotted something lying on top of a stack of papers and books. Are you serious?

Mukuro followed her glance. "Your cell phone?"

"So I'm not hallucinating." Filai decided with some relief as she picked up the small device. "It was turned off when they took it away from me. It'll probably have some batteries left." She pressed the ON button, and seconds later it vibrated to life, the screen flashing dimly with monochrome patterns and letters.

"It looks archaic." Mukuro examined the phone with some amusement. "The model's at least six or seven years old."

Oh shut up. Filai dropped the phone into her one intact pocket. I didn't want to replace it. Pause, and she added almost reluctantly. Squalo bought it for me.

"That explains why it's such a cheap version."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you pineapple haired ass? She began stumbling towards the prison exit, only to pause. Alright, how am I supposed to get to the other side of this place? There's at least just about half the damn family between me and the fucking library. I'll be mauled to death before I get halfway through.

Mukuro frowned contemplatively, mind gearing in thought. Is the Viavideche resistant to illusions like yourself?

"No, I'm an exception. The rest suck at seeing through them." Was the deadpan response.

He sighed. "And you had me worked up over nothing." Was his disgruntled muttering. "If that's the case, I could easily cover you with—"

I know. She interrupted, only missing half a beat as she continued on her way. I just wanted to screw with you.

Pause. Mukuro was much annoyed. "You really are an irritating creature, aren't you?"

You have no idea how mutual the feeling is. Filai grimaced as she trudged on.

To her relief, the first corridor she entered was empty. "I know the way to the library." She said as she struggled painfully through the vast hallway, slouching against the wall every now and then for a short rest. "I used to go there to read."

Half her life was spent in that library. It was an enormous room, cold and bitter, and nevertheless the only place worth exploring in the manor. Years of wandering, reading books and files, getting lost in the most random places. There were corners where she'd just set down snacks and cushions and read a crappy book. Something banal like that. Back in the days where she didn't have wine stains to wash out of Squalo's shirts (Xanxus never did like making things easy for her, the bastard) and sporadic 5 a.m. kitchen duty swaps with Luss-

"Are you love with Superbia Squalo?" Mukuro inquired. Rudely, Filai thought, because usually asking that sort of thing was against social norms. Then again, Mukuro's entire existence was pineapple and mind-rape themed, and if that wasn't against social norms, then she didn't know what was.

Approximately three point five seconds later, something clicked in her mind. "What?"

Mukuro smirked. "Oh, just curious." He said harmlessly enough. "You seem fond of him."

"Oh." Said Filai, struggling to quicken her pace. She ran the notion through her head and successfully drew a blank. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Because you're embarrassed?" He was delighted.

"No, because the idea of you giving me a love lecture is just too traumatizing." Filai reasoned. She paused long enough to notice that the wallpaper had turned from a soft, velvety green to penguin patterns. She thus spent the next five minutes scrapping a penguin design off while Mukuro registered the implication that he was indeed not the ideal love counselor. Being the prideful thing he was, the illusionist was very determined to prove her wrong.

Which was why seven minutes later:

"You do realize the fact that in the event that Superbia Squalo does reciprocate non platonic feelings for you, your notable lack of personality makes it so that you're pretty much reduced from a female to a mindless object of sexual usage."

Filai was skilled enough to appear affronted while staring at a chunk of penguin wallpaper. Nevertheless, she chose not to respond to that.

"It would also imply that he's homosexual, because your sexual appeal seems more directed to girls than to guys. Especially the coffee addiction. Just think of what poor Squalo would do when he confronts the issue of his sexuality."

Can I pay you to shut up?

""Normally, yes. But I'm having too much fun pissing you off, so no." He provided charmingly.

After an infinitely long period of time, Filai finally made it to the entrance of the library. Not the most impressive entrance in the world, really (the Varia HQ's library doors were better. Wait, the Varia HQ didn't have a library. Shit). The wood was nice and posh, and the carvings were pretty. But there was the matter of the giant sign tacked on the front that ruined the whole image.

DO NOT ENTER

"Way to be blunt." Pause. Er, how do I open this again?

Mukuro mentally waked her on the back of the head.

I remember now. Filai cringed, and she reached over, running a hand against the side of the door. She frowned as Mukuro watched intently. It should be here somewhere.

Her fingers grazed against a small niche in the smooth flat surface of the door. She steadily applied pressure. With a whirl and a click, a small hatchet opened up at eye level from the door. A retina scan buzzed out, protruding and ready for usage. "The Viavideche's most common identification is their irises." Filai offered, sensing Mukuro's bemusement. "It has something to do with their energy usage. I'm not too sure of the details myself, but apparently the higher your energy level, the brighter your eyes are."

Here, Mukuro arched an elegant, if not skeptical eyebrow. "Yours are practically radioactive." He pointed out, puzzledly.

"So?"

"Well, you are the weakest creature I've ever met in my life so far-"

Oh shut up. "Energy accumulates in the body if unused, unlike the Dying Will flame." She bent down and let the retina machine scan her left (un-Mukuro-fied) eye. A small beep emitted from the device, and seconds later, the doors slid open with a metallic hiss. Frigid air seethed out in pale wisps. I forgot how cold it was. Filai scowled.

"Why did you never use your abilities?" Mukuro asked.

"My family had a lot of coups in its history." Filai said, stepping into the frigid room. Her feet were bare, but her footsteps against the frozen metal ground were enough to echo. "After the twelve generation boss was killed off, his successor decreed that to maintain stability, only one heir could be selected and taught the skills necessary to inherit the position. That way, there'll only be one person powerful enough to gain the support of the entire family. In this generation, my older brother was chosen." She scowled. "I was never taught how to use anything."

"Is that why you want to return to the Varia?"

Filai stumbled. No answer.

Mukuro lowered his lashes, and suddenly, the multi color eyes that glittered underneath were bittersweet; promises of sugar and acid to burn transparent, as if their owner was privy to some entertaining secret. Because unknown horrors were always made known to him. He was a scary guy.

Filai long decided that if everyone had eyes like his, then there wouldn't be any need for X-rays. Nevertheless, she shrugged, and walked on gingerly. "I owe Xanxus." She said shortly, running a hand through the steel borders and edges of the shelves crowded together for end on. The books and files were crammed so tightly that she couldn't hope to wedge her finger in between them.

The illusionist tossed his head back and laughed softly. "I expected as much."

"What do you mean?"

Dimly, Filai felt Mukuro slide a slender hand around her shoulder. It was cold. "I'm sorry, Filai." He said cheerfully, leaning down from behind, until mint cool breath curled against the shell of her ear. "Nothing personal really, but somehow I just can't bring myself to believe that you would do so much for such a silly emotion as 'love'."

She edged away, as Mukuro withdrew with that smile. The kind peppered with sticky, clingy sugar. The kind that accumulates the more you try to rub it off, and everyone knew that too much sugar will rot the soul straight out in splatters of black bile and pus for the maggots to feast in.

"Nihilism is going to turn you into a crabby old bat someday."

"Ah, but I'll be the crabby old bat who will have a firm control over the entire world."

To which she sighed, and moved on to the next shelf.

For most people, libraries had the negative connotation of books and homework, late night studies and textbooks of miserably epic proportions.

For Filai, they had the equally negative connotation of something barren and metallic. Or, not negative, per se. Just uncomfortable, in that it was really the only place she had for herself back in the Stone Age (AKA pre-Varia; same thing). But it was barren and metallic, so to speak. Dimly lit, because there weren't any windows, and the light bulbs hanging by threads from the ceiling were mostly shattered or broken. Filai used to cut her feet on the shards scattered on the floor, because you could hardly see anything in here. Filai could never find the bandages.

She hated nostalgia. They gave her headaches.

"Estraneo, right?" I feel like I've read some of them before. They should be located in the uncategorized records. I was the only one who came here daily, so these files are usually not touched again once they've been entered in. Most likely, everything's still in the same place since the last time I came here.

Though it probably wasn't convenient that the unmarked records section was the largest section out of the entire damn room. Oh, and it was un-fucking-alphabetized. Someone shoot her now.

"On the basis that I probably won't be stepping back here whether or not your (shitty) plan works," Filai muttered, and tossing all instincts of organization out of her mind, began grabbing folders and throwing them all over the place (they didn't make it too far, but you get the idea). Mukuro, you're helping me this time, whether you like it or not.

Wrinkling his nose in slight distaste at the crudity, Mukuro reluctantly gave in. "It doesn't seem like I have much of a choice otherwise." Of course, as he was conveniently non-corporal at the time, his aid was limited to searching through the papers flying in the air for any glimpse of his old familia's name.

"I remember it being filled with financial charts. And bar graphs, I think."

He offered her a strange glance. "And why was an elementary child be reading finance dealings between family alliances?"

Filai grimaced. "You have no idea how bored I was back then."

"And I don't think I very well want to."

Then Filai's cell phone rang. She blinked. Mukuro blinked. How the fuck do I have connection in here? The walls are solid steel and concrete! Must be the workings of illogical deux ex machina. Pausing in between her E's and S's papers, Filai pulled out her worn out cell phone. She stared at the caller ID. Squalo?

Mukuro was much entertained as she flipped the cover open and promptly held it away at arm's length.

Pause.

Pause. Filai frowned. No shouting. Forget that, she couldn't hear anything at all. Warily, she brought the phone closer to her ear again. "Uh, Squalo?"

Few seconds of silence. Then. "Oh." Pause. "Uh...you answered."

Alright, just who are you and what have you done with Superbia Squalo—

"VOI! GO FUCK OFF, YOU XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXXX!"

And Filai was much consoled. She returned to her paper searching with her significantly less broken right hand, her significantly more broken left hand clumsily keeping the phone up. "It's good to know that you haven't changed much." Then again, it's only been a week or so. If you really did get a 180 degree personality switch, then you really do have pms-ing issues.

A clatter in the background. The sound of something valuable smashing. A vase, maybe? Squalo's low voice hissing oh shit; probably realizing belatedly that there wasn't anyone to reflexively attack in a fit of stupid homicidal rage and general pissy-offy-ness.

Descartes, Plato, vending machine, toasters, Barney. Shit, these records really are labeled "uncategorized" for a reason.

"Make sure you don't hurt yourself, Squalo. Abusing you without logical justification is Xanxus' special privilege only."

"You fucking try to trash me every chance you get!"

"That's not unwarranted abuse." Just revenge for the crap you always put me through. There's a difference, you know.

Charles Darwin, Harry Potter, articles by Bill Gates and Mandela, Godfather II, some manga called Hitman Re—shit, was that Twilight? Uncategorized my ass. They probably just put a bunch of random shit in and labeled it—

"Voi, what the fuck are you saying?"

"Nothing."

Silence on the other side. Awkward silence. Well, it would've been if Filai hadn't been preoccupied with shoving past a series of videogame walkthrough guides. But evidently, Squalo found it so. "...how's...your famil—"

The papers slipped out of her hand. Squalo. Finish that question and you will die a most painful death.

"What the fuck are you—"

"That topic is off limits." She stated flatly, as Mukuro snickered silently in the back of her head. Damn pineapple freak. "Never bring it up again."

"Why the fuck are you being so touchy about your famil—"

DON'T CALL ME TOUCHY, YOU HYPOCRITIC ASS! "It's not the family part." She insisted, her efforts of searching now rather half hearted. You're fucking supposed to stick with mindless insults and swearing and being an all around bastard.

Squalo was bewildered. "I don't even know what the hell you're talking about—"

Yes, you do. Shut up. You're going to start to ask dumb questions, like "how's your family?" and "is your life alright"? And then after that you're going to be "how's the weather" or "how's school, even though you don't fucking TAKE public school?" Then we're going to have to say "hi, how're you' every time we ever talk, and then the silences are going to be awkward and we'll always feel like we have to keep the conversation going except we don't know what to say because we'll become worried that we'll offend each other and then I'm not really sure what happens next but IF AFOREMENTIONED SHIT EVER HAPPENS I'LL SHOOT YOU AND NAIL YOUR SKIN TO THE WALL AND—

"Voi..."

NO, I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN—

"Will you listen—"

IT'S A FREE WORLD. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ABLE USE YOU AS A FUCKING PILLOW WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY TO YOU WHEN I WAKE UP, GOD DAMN IT! CALL BACK WHEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING ASSHOLE-ISH TO SAY TO ME! And before Squalo could recover from his momentary bout of shock, Filai hung up.

Five seconds later: "Hey, I found the file."

Varia HQ

"I don't get her sometimes." A completely bewildered Squalo said as he stared blankly at his phone.

Next to him, Dino was curious. "What did she say?" He asked. Squalo told him, almost word for word, in the most innocently confused (and fucked up) tone, and the poor swordsman was much unhappy when Dino spent the next five minutes clutching his stomach and laughing fit to kill. He might've continued for longer if Squalo hadn't gotten fed up and tried to strangle the Cavellone boss with his sword. Which turned out to be not his sword. AKA a power cord.

Viavideche Library

"Good to know you're so passionate about something." Mukuro chuckled as Filai sulkily flipped through the folder, which contained papers outlining every single detail of the financial transactions between the Estraneo and the Viavideche. Illegal ones included.

So maybe she had cracked on Squalo just then. It was completely justifiable of course, given that she's been going through days of horrific torture with minimal mind damage.

Pause.

Then again, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give the guy an implicational apology or two. Just for proof that she was nicer than him, so she can rub it in his face. That's all. Nothing suspicious about it, thank you very much. "It doesn't hurt to be cautious." She muttered in irate response to Mukuro's glee. "Since I'd rather die than let Squalo turn awkward." Can you imagine how horrifying the image of him not yelling like an idiot is?

"You do realize you have a remarkable ability of spouting cheesy lines with the flattest tone and expression. I don't think you've yet to learn the art of discretion." Mukuro rolled his eyes. "Then again, given Superbia Squalo's dense nature, I suppose discretion would be redundant."

One more word and these papers go down the damn sink. Filai painfully trudged towards the library exit, clutching the papers to her chest with all the failed strength she had left. And I don't recall signing up for relationship counseling. Especially from some devil's spawn like Mukuro.

"Well then—"

Whatever the mist guardian had to say was forever deemed unnecessary. The alarms went off.

Filai twitched. Was she so important they had to alert the entire damn mansion? She didn't know if she was supposed to feel honored or not. Now is the time to run. Pause. I can't run. Nevertheless, she did find it within her (limited) capabilities to speed up her failed staggers, thank you wall support. Mukuro, please tell me you have a plan.

Mukuro frowned. He was troubled. "I don't, actually."

She almost tripped. You're joking.

"They reacted faster than I expected. I haven't even managed to gain a full layout view of the manor yet."

Which still translates to I'm screwed.

"No, which translates to 'the files are screwed'. You're insignificant."

And THAT in turn translates to 'Filai, will you please rearrange my face for me? Plastic surgery is much too expensive for a poor ex-Mafioso student prisoner like me.' Filai stumbled to a messy halt as men in black suits began swarming the whole damn place.

Mukuro sighed, and Filai felt a sharp pain in her right eye. No, she did not know why suddenly said black suited men were being gruesomely eaten by a lion. She twitched.

"Second ability." He smiled, a '2' kanji hovering in his eye.

Creepy. Filai shook her head before moving on. "So you sure you can't use that WWIII planning brain of yours to think of something? Unless you can somehow kill off everyone I pass by, which will probably be most of the family, in case you're wondering."

"No, I've expended too much energy already." Mukuro muttered darkly, and he was right. She could feel his presence wavering slowly. "Unfortunately, I can only hold on for ten minutes—"

Then I'll throw these files down the sink.

"Are you still saying that kind of threat?"

Filai blinked oddly. "It's not a threat." She said, and it was then Mukuro realized that they were indeed standing in bathroom. Not bothering with explanations, Filai busied herself with locking and bolting the door shut. She set the papers down momentarily, walking over to the trash can and pulling the trash bag out. She dumped the contents onto the ground, and picked up the files, rolling them into a tight thin tube before shoving it into the plastic bag.

Mukuro stared. "Are you possibly..."

"Your slaves (AKA mindless subordinates) should be somewhere nearby, right?" Filai crouched down next to the sink, and began unscrewing the tubes. I'm assuming you can contact them one way or another. Tell them to go wait in the sewers.

Silence. Wait for it. "...what?"

Just what it sounds like, you stupid pineapple. Sewers, SEWERS. Miscellaneous sink parts clattered on the ground as Filai finished loosening the last screw. She held up the documents, now completely wrapped in the black plastic. "I'm going to drop this into the sewer system through the sink's passageway. You might want to put a tracker or something on this so you won't lose its location." Catching Mukuro's near dumbstruck expression, Filai scowled. It can't be helped. I can't get out of here anyway. Anyway, you were going to abandon me at some point, right?

Pause. Mukuro was irate. "Actually, this was the one time I WASN'T planning on disposing of you." So this is what happened when he actually tried to be considerate. And you blame him for being such a conniving jackass.

Why do I doubt that? "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wasn't expecting any of this to get me out in the first place." Filai offered. She shoved both paper and plastic down the tube opening.

He thought about it. "I admit, that does make me feel better." Asshole. "Though I'm rather hurt that you have such little faith in my plans."

Filai rolled her eyes. "It's not really that." She stated deadpan. "The point is, once you're in the Viavideche family, you can never leave. There's no written rule on it, per se. But for some reason, a family member successfully leaving just never happened before. Either you come back voluntarily, get dragged back, become involved again through random events." Pause. "Or you die. Or get killed, whatever. That's probably the only way you can leave. If you look at my case, I managed to screw around with the Varia for nine years, but in the end I'm still sitting back here half dead." Because of that stupid deal with the Ninth. Just who the hell came up with it anyway?

Mukuro feigned much ignorance. "If you knew, then why did you still agree to help me?"

She smiled. Barely. And wryly. But it was there (and no, Mukuro did not get a near heart attack from the shock). "I wanted to spend at least a little more time outside." A dead shrug, and she lowered her eyes. "But I guess it was still too much to ask for."

For the moment, Mukuro remained silent. Then he chuckled, almost ruefully. "You're an interesting girl."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Filai was amused. Though don't call me girl. I'm two years older than you.

He wasn't there to hear it. Mukuro's presence was gone, and Filai found herself indeed very much jacked to shit and alone. She slouched against the wall, and her smile slipped upside down. God, why did she do that, of all things? She had defied gravity! Just for the sake of maintain a different expression! Her priority system was falling into shambles.

Outside, Filai could hear footsteps and yelling. Because apparently everyone was too brainless to check the damn bathroom, and just how sad could they get? Yes, it was very much pathetic, no questions asked.

Then her cell phone rang again. She stared at it, and internally died.

"...you again?"

"I had the Bucking Horse translate the bullshit you spouted minutes ago." Squalo muttered reluctantly.

Filai might've choked on thin air. You didn't hear it from her. You seriously asked DINO of all people? As in, the only guy in the world who managed to cut himself with a stuffed animal? It was the price tag's fault. Spare the guy. Isn't that just a little sad?

"Shut up!" He snapped, and she could pretty much imagine him subconsciously stabbing the nearest object. "I'm just calling to tell you that you're a fucking idiot!" And before Filai could insinuate any objections for the contrary, he continued. "You really think you can kick out nine fucking years of nonstop bullshitting communication with just one week?"

She faltered. "Well it was to be on the safe s—"

"We don't need it!" Was the cutting interruption. "And fuck, you really think I'd run out of insults for you? Even if I didn't want to, you're so goddamn annoying it's fucking impossible."

I don't think I should be taking that positively—

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GIVE HALF A SHIT ABOUT THE FUCKING WEATHER? OR YOUR DAMN SCHOOL? AND I NEVER FUCKING USE PROPER GREETINGS, YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS!"

That wasn't my—

"AND!" Then, he hesitated, and his words fumbled. "Uh, that's...er..." Pause. "You can be a blanket."

Filai blinked. "What?"

"Well, that's...VOI! FUCK, YOU SHITTY PRINCE, GET OUT OF THE ROOM!" There were sounds of crashes, and Bel's 'ushishishishi' somewhere in the background. More crashing, some cracks and explosions. Much swearing. Finally, a door slammed, and Squalo's voice was back in the receiver, slightly more strained than before. "What I meant was since I have to be your fucking pillow, then you can be a blanket." Pause. "It's only fair, isn't it?"

I don't even understand what you're talking about. Filai said in dumb disbelief.

"I hate you." Squalo groaned. "And for the record—"

"I have to hang up." Filai cut off. The footsteps were getting louder. Heavier, and more frequent. It was like some sick countdown to her ultimate, inevitable demise. Not the most pleasant thing,a to say the least."Sorry, urgent business."

"Bastard." Was the irate response. He was probably frowning. "I don't know your schedule. Call me tomorrow."

Filai was startled by the request. She also wasn't sure how to answer it without somehow explaining her craptastic position of domestic abuse and violence. The last thing she needed was a five hour rant on her failure choices. "Actually, I don't think I'll have a cha—"

"Call. Me."

"I don't even know if I'll have my phone—"

"CALL. ME."

"But—"

"VOI! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY HEAD—"

"Fine. I'll call you." Filai said exasperatedly. "B-but, I'm still not sure if...well, fine. I'll..." She took a shaky breath. "I'll see. I mean, yeah."

"If you call late and wake me up, I'll kill you." Was the short answer. There was a click, and the line went dead.

Filai stared at the phone for seconds. Her fingers loosened their grip. The cell phone slid out of her hand, clattering noisily on the tile ground. Wh-what was that? That person always seems cuter every time I talk to him. Weird. Maybe it was the blood loss. Now that Mukuro was gone, she was having no problem bleeding her guts out onto the ground. She wondered who was going to mope it up.

It wasn't fair. As if the feeling wasn't bad enough already, but thanks to that sharky bastard, she really wanted to go back to the Varia.

Omake

One day, many, many years ago.

"VOI! WHAT THE FUCK, XANXUS?" Squalo was hollering about one insignificant thing or another at his disinterested, already slightly dozing boss. "You know I can't fucking fly to Antarctica in half a fucking hour, you fucking son of a—" The point is, lots of 'fuck, fuck, fuck', and you get the idea (just who the hell is there to kill in Antarctica anyway? Penguins? Is it penguins?).

A light tap on his arm made the rabid swordsman pause briefly in his incessant yelling. Both he and Xanxus glanced down and found a nine year old Filai staring at them curiously. Her head cocked to the side in child innocent bemusement. "What does 'fuck' mean?" She asked, voice flat. Completely harmless, of course.

The two men exchanged blank looks. With a cough, Xanxus wordlessly slid out of the room, leaving his unfortunate subordinate to deal with the even more unfortunate issue. The bastard.

Exactly two minutes and sixteen seconds passed. Squalo squirmed. "Uh," He said uncomfortably, and internally wondered if murdering children was in any way against social norms. "I don't think I should tell you that." Seeing Filai's disappointed expression, he groaned. "Fine, FINE. I'll tell you what it means." Pause. Pause. Maybe he shouldn't give her the real definition. "It just...uh," More pause. Finally. "It's just another way to say 'talk with', alright?" Squalo spat out, gesturing vehemently. "I was just talking with the shitty Boss, got it? Now go away. Go get Luss to make you a cookie or something."

Before Filai could answer, Squalo hastily seized her by the shoulders and shoved her out. He sighed in relief. Awkward explanation avoided.

Five minutes later,

"So what was Squ doing in the Boss' office anyway?" Lussuria chirped as he merrily stirred the bowl of cookie batter. Chocolate chips. Lurking somewhere nearby, eight year old Bel eyed the bowl with some maniacal streak of utter delight in that grin of his. Predatory was always his thing, apparently.

Filai blinked, contemplative. Wait, now was the time to show her enhanced vocabulary! "He told me he was fucking Xanxus."

Silence.

It got worse after that.

A/N: The Future arc is next chapter. Prepare for more Filai torturing, because sadists are usually created by sadists. It's a relative thing.

For anyone who read the original version, I hope this is a little better. I think Mukuro was a little more in character this time (though I just HAD to compensate for the lack of crappiness, so I had to go and make Squalo OOC instead; someone can maul me to death now). Any comments on this are welcome too (even though it's so insanely long that I think your minds should be overloaded with random crap by now).

And the omake: Misconstrued SX instead of XS. You people can go torch me to death now.