here is chapter 31. :) no promises for more updates today, but i'll try. i'm going to my grandmother's, with my jump drive and all, but i have to finish the epilogue and type up Torn's prologue. :)

now, please read, review, and enjoy ch. 31! i hope ch. 30 was a huge surprise. :D

35. Careless Whispers: Seether

Brynk did quite well at hiding everything that happened last night. When Carlisle bandaged up her wrist, we explained what happened. After all, we were hiding in a hollowed out tree for flashlight tag, so it wasn't like we just spontaneously ended up in the woods.

Anyways, Christmas Eve was a warm and fun day. We sat around the fire, ate, drank hot chocolate, watched Christmas movies, and had an incredible time. It was a cheerful and normal Christmas time day.

Esme even let us help wrap some presents. She had gotten some for everyone, but they didn't know it yet. Tomorrow morning, I was gonna have to come downstairs and open my stinking presents, but they would have to do the same.

So . . . I didn't feel as bad, especially due to the fact that they had absolutely no idea they were getting anything.

I was nervous, though. I won't lie.

Considering what I got for my birthday, Christmas had to be scary. It was bad enough that Rose got me some of the skimpiest and sexiest lingerie she could find without making me feel downright uncomfortable, but Emmett got me a book with every different sex position . . . with pictures!

Now you see why I flipped out?

Charlie got me a camera, which was awesome. He gave me a scrapbook too, reminding me that I'll only be human and seventeen once. So, I agreed to document everything, and so far, I had been. When Brynk got in, I took a picture of her arm and her and me and all of us. When we got to my other home at the Cullens' house, I took a picture of everyone.

I was already starting, and my collection was only gonna get bigger.

Esme and Carlisle got me two VIP tickets to go see Paramore! It's safe to say I flipped my junk and actually hugged them. Repeatedly. Paramore wasn't just the band I wanted to see. No. I had to meet Hayley. Freaking had to.

Ironically, the show was in Jacksonville, Florida at the end of May, sometime after graduation and before the wedding.

They, of course, threw in some tickets to Jacksonville, but I thought that was unnecessary.

Alice? She got me clothes galore, most of which I wouldn't be caught dead in. They didn't fit either, because she forgot to take into account my, erm, larger chest.

Jasper got me two tickets to see Breaking Benjamin when they go to Denver at the end of March, as well as plane tickets. Once again, flipped my freaking junk and spazzy danced before hugging even Jasper. The list of concerts I had to see before I died? Yeah. That was almost complete.

Edward completed it with Three Days Grace tickets for when they come to Seattle at the end of February.

Anywho . . . that was just my birthday presents. This, total, had to cost over five grand, easy. I was not happy, but what can I do when I'm also the happiest person on the freaking planet?

Exactly. Accept them and spazzy dance some more.

It made me nervous for tomorrow, but I decided to just accept it and only pitch a fit about whatever ostentatiously absurd present Edward decided to get me, unless Alice got me more clothes in which case I would probably playfully battle her all over again.

Yeah . . . I like the shoes, though. Only the strappy, sparkly, or zipper stilettos, though. And the converse . . . but she refuses to get combat boots, so . . . sad day.

Back to Christmas Eve because my fears didn't have to be brought to life until later . . . .

That night, when it was time to go to bed, I walked right into our room and began changing with Edward coming in right behind me. There was no concern because I didn't care. He had seen me in nothing but a sexy bra before, so now was no different.

Actually, he preferred it that way. Before I could fully get dressed, he tackled me onto our bed and began kissing anywhere skin was exposed.

I had to hold back my comments due to his brother obsessed with my sex life that was downstairs. It felt incredible, though, especially when he kissed around the edges of my bra or around the waistline of my shorts.

He moved around to position himself on top of me and began tenderly rubbing my arm. "I love you."

I barely had the breath to reply, but I did. "I love you, too."

Suddenly, he rolled over off of me and let me breathe. He was propped up on his elbow, though, so he could still see me. His eye fell down towards my skimpily clad 32-DDs, where his breaths became frequent and husky.

"March . . . it sounds really good," he muttered. "Please?"

I laughed a little and shook my head. "We can't have a long honeymoon if we have it in March."

"This is more than the honeymoon," he disagreed. "Well, in a way. If you lose feeling before June . . . ."

I sighed. "Okay, I'll talk to Charlie about it. Don't forget Alice."

He pulled me against him and sighed, too. "While we're negotiating the topic of changing the date, how about tomorrow?"

"Alice would kill you," I laughed, shaking my head. "Sure! Let's call her now!"

His eyebrows rose in question. "You want me dead?"

I continued laughing and threw my arms around him, pulling him tighter against me. "No, but a courthouse wedding sounds amazing. I mean, Alice and I are already butting head, and we really haven't even gotten started."

"You need to get a maid-of-honor," he reminded me. "Or maids, if you would prefer. Jasper has been put in charge of helping Esme cook, so he won't have time when things get necessary. Emmett is for sure, as well as Seth. I'm strongly considering having three, though."

"The third being . . . ?"

"Embry," he said simply, shrugging.

I nodded. "Bella and I always swore to each other that we would be each other's maids-of-honor. I don't know if she'll really just willingly even come, much less help me get ready for it."

"Call her, right now," he suggested. "Then we'll call Alice and make her think we really decided to go to the courthouse tomorrow."

I laughed a little. "Okay."

It was a number I hadn't called, ever. Bella and I used to be together all the time, so there was no need to call anyone. Now, we hardly wanted to even be in the same house, much less talk to each other.

I sighed as the line began ringing. It got cut off midway through the third ring.

"Hello?"

I scowled at the sound of Jessica Stanley's voice. "Can I talk to Bella?"

"We're in the middle of a party," she said snidely. "She had me answer because she doesn't want to talk to you."

"Tell her it's about my wedding," I said urgently, rolling my eyes. "Just give her the phone, Jessica!"

"Fine," she muttered under her breath. Faintly, I heard her say, "She says it's important."

Bella sighed, but this sigh was more the Bella I loved than usual. "What is it, Mayze?"

"I still love you, Bells," I said quietly, uncertain just how I wanted to start this. So, I just didn't think and talked. My hands were fidgety, so Edward took them in his for comfort. "We swore, remember? I want you to be my maid-of-honor."

"I can't do that," she said truthfully in a heartbreakingly carefree tone. "You know that."

I was shocked. We swore to be there for each other, no matter what. She even said she would be there if I was marrying the worst person on the planet. Of course, she added that she would continuously try and separate us, but she still swore to be there.

But she was abandoning me.

"You can," I said darkly. It was too hard to completely hide the pain away, but I had to because I wasn't giving her the satisfaction of knowing she hurt me, which is what she wanted. Trying to hide the pain, though, required tears to seep through my eyelids. "You just won't be mature about this situation and talk to me."

"We have nothing to talk about," she said simply. "That's way past done. There is no more talking."

"If you would just talk to him, then, you would see exactly what Embry and Seth see! What Quil sees!"

"Embry only did that for you," she sneered. "Not that you gave a rip as you toyed with his emotions, especially after that bastard left you. I'm not helping you marry that and become a monster."

I grit my teeth. "I never toyed with Embry. Don't bother asking me to help you marry your ass wipe who you're too stupid and naïve to listen to for everything. You know, Bella, here's the deal. I'm done trying to reason with you. I'm not gonna even talk to you. Why don't you grow up? I'll try again in a few years. Maybe then you'll have something to say that I actually want to hear. I won't diss your mutt. You won't diss Edward."

"That's never going to happen, so just get that stupid idea out of your head now," she said icily before proving my immature remark accurate by hanging up on me.

I didn't give Edward time to console me because I called Alice the second I realized she had hung up.

"Don't you even dare!" she exclaimed. "I've already invited some friends, Mayze! Come on!"

I scowled. "Alice, I—"

"Please?" she begged. "Come on, Mayze! I swear. It'll all go your way, like you want it to be. Don't give up."

"I don't know what to do about my maid-of-honor," I sighed.

"You will," she assured me. "I've seen it, but I can't tell you. Please don't just not have a real wedding. Edward won't admit it, but he wants a big wedding. Remember this. Maybe it's not his first graduation or his first prom, but it is his first wedding. It's going to be his only wedding, basically. You two need to discuss this."

I sighed and nodded. "You're right, Alice. We'll discuss it." I knew she was busy, so I said a quick goodbye and hung up. "She's right, isn't she?"

"About what?" he murmured as he began burying his nose against my neck.

"All of it," I said quietly. "You don't want a courthouse wedding."

"I don't care," he said truthfully, but I could hear the hesitation. "I just want to marry you, even if it means going to the courthouse. Would I prefer a big wedding? Well, yes. I've waited over a century to marry you, Miss Swan, and I wanna make that a big deal. The biggest wedding of the century, to be exact. Can I settle for the entire Forks population? Sure."

"Can you just tell me you want and stop all this spineless stuff?" I pleaded, groaning a little. "I'm serious, Edward."

He was quick to prop himself up so that his perfect, flawless face was twisted into a scowl down at me. "What are you talking about? This is a wedding involving two people. One person doesn't decide it."

"I know that," I said lightly, sighing as I sat myself up and began pacing around the bed. "But I wanna know what you want so that we can reach a compromise."

"Did you know that any normal teenage girl would be overjoyed to be told they can do whatever they want with their wedding?" he challenged, eyebrows rising.

"I figured as much," I agreed. "But did you know that I'm not any normal teenage girl?"

"Figured as much," he grinned, but suddenly, he stopped, and his eyes began widening in absolute horror, shock, and absolute agony.

I stopped pacing as I folded my arms over my chest, frowning. "What?"

He was standing in front of me, holding my arm out tenderly with his cold fingers warming me much more than they should with their technical temperature and all. It didn't take me long to realize just what he was looking at so shakily.

That's exactly what he began to do as his fingers ran over every scar, his lips barely moving as if to silently count them to himself. I began to worry as he began searching my body, realizing there were more than on my arms.

His eyes slid down to my stomach, mostly around my waist and belly button. They weren't even there a full second before he did a roundhouse kick straight into the metal bed frame beside us. After that shattered, he was literally destroying everything around the room.

"Edward, stop it!" I exclaimed desperately as I tried to grab him, but he threw me off of him and over to the bed.

It didn't do much, only broke a couple toes as I tripped, but he was too preoccupied to notice.

"No!" he shouted, louder than I had ever—and I mean ever—heard him scream. "Mayze, don't tell me that—"

"Calm down!" I yelled back at him, groaning as I realized we've probably woken up everyone in the house. The ones not asleep were probably freaking out.

As if on cue, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, and Rose busted through the door, eyes fierce and ready for action.

I scowled at the four. "Don't worry. He's just overreacting and broke the bed . . . and the room."

Emmett had the perfect opportunity to make a sex joke, but he didn't. His eyes didn't even show that the idea registered in his mind, but instead, he looked at Edward tightly. "What's going on?"

Edward was still shaking and began grinding his teeth. "She . . . I . . . ."

"It's the past!" I insisted. "Edward, look at me. Don't blame yourself, okay? That was me being completely . . . I don't even know the right word!"

He turned his head away from me to hide whatever emotion was still lingering in his eyes. "Mayze—"

With all of my strength, I yanked his face back towards me and locked his gaze in mine. "Edward. No. This isn't your fault. It was mine. I was weak, numb. I don't even know or remember what was going through my head—"

"Forty-seven," he said quickly, brokenly. "Don't you dare tell me not one of those was because of me."

I grit my teeth together. "Edward, you don't—"

He pulled himself away from me abruptly and began heading for the door. "I . . . I need air." He managed to brush past his family to escape outside, as far away from this room as he could possibly get.

"I never thought I'd see the day where he wanted to get away from you," Rose scoffed. "What is wrong with him? I've never seen him like this, not even when we stopped by to see him that first month of being away from you."

I began rubbing my hands over my sleepy face as I walked over to my bag and pulled out an oversized Broncos t-shirt, which I quickly slipped over my head before turning to my family. "I was . . . I can't even explain to you what happened in my mind those first few months, to be completely honest with you. I truly can't tell you. I was weak, too . . . I don't even know how to explain it, but—"

Emmett took my arm in his and began studying the scars, eyes tightening a little as he looked at each one still in view. "How did you hide this from him for so long?"

"It hasn't been easy," I muttered. "And it wasn't always on purpose. Sometimes, I just wore long sleeves, and other times when he really didn't need to see them yet, I usually had cover up on the visible ones. He didn't pay close enough attention to notice, not that he ever mentioned anyways. Honestly, I don't know how it even worked, but it somehow did, and I just . . . I'm sorry."

He was looking at me like I had lost my mind as the words got out. "For what?" He pulled me into an almost painful hug. "Mayze, don't. You're not weak. Honestly, I'm surprised you made it out alive, but you're stronger than most people. You know what makes you strong?"

I began rubbing the tears that his words brought to my eyes away suddenly, sniffling a little as he released me. "No. What?"

"The fact that you made it out alive," he said gently. "You made it out happy. You still managed to think of everyone else, and you made it through. I personally can't imagine what going through all that would be like, but just picturing my life without Rose makes me begin to completely fall apart. Just the thought. Mayze, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and he'll be okay. I promise. I just think he needs to let it sink in that it wasn't just his stupid mistake that led to this."

"I can't lie and say that I never did it because he wasn't there," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut again. "Emmett, do you know where he is?"

He shook his head. "Took off, not really sure where he's headed."

Jasper sighed. "Alice might know. I'll go ask her."

Rose quirked her lips to the side. "Yeah . . . I'm going to go head out to the car."

Carlisle nodded. "Right there, except . . . my room. Yes."

Emmett rolled his eyes but gave me an encouraging smile before gently kissing my forehead. "Get some sleep, hun. It's your first Christmas, Cullen family style. It'll have to be toned down a bit because you're only human, but it's also your last Christmas as a human."

This cheered me up a little, enough that I was able to half-heartedly smile up at him and hug him myself.

"Thanks, Em," I said softly. "I love you."

He kissed the top of my head and sighed. "Love you too, Mayze. You don't even realize how glad I am he decided to risk it all and take a chance with you." And then, he let me go and disappeared out the door.

When he was gone, I felt the tears begin to trickle down my cheeks as memories I had tried to block out began resurfacing themselves back into my mind, things I was able to ignore when someone was here to distract me.

I remembered the first time I cut myself, the pure relief I felt as the harsh pain broke through my numb shell. Feeling something again felt so good, and I couldn't stop even then. I cut three times and passed out before I could get the blood flow to stop.

Luckily, it was brief, and I was able to clean myself and the mess up. I bandaged the cuts and wore sweaters from then on out. I still can't tell you what went through my mind when I decided to try cutting, but I can tell you what went through my mind as I looked in the mirror the day after and realized what I had done.

Horror. I was becoming a monster.

The next time, I spaced out again and found myself cutting again. I lost track over those months, and I guess I cut myself total of forty-seven times on my arms and stomach. It wasn't an every day thing, because I tried to fight it. Something in me had to have it, though, so something in me always seemed to take over and make the sane part of me black out.

I don't know. I just remember watching myself do it and finding myself unable to stop. I wasn't in control of my own body, and that's the scariest feeling in the world.

A gentle knock sounded on the door, and before I could even dry my tears, in came Brynk, her lips quirked to the side as she entered, followed by Karma, Oliver, and Sapphire.

"You okay, Mayze?" Brynk whispered softly.

I sniffled a little, rubbing the tears away and nodding. "I'm fine, or I will be anyways. Sorry to wake you guys."

"What was he so upset about?" Oliver asked quietly, uncertainly. They seemed to realize that if Edward got that upset, they were likely to be upset too.

There was no point in hiding it anymore, so I just grit my teeth and held my arm out towards them.

Brynk surprised me when she sighed and looked at the others. "I can explain this. Let's give Mayze some space, though. She needs some alone time. Come on. I'll tell you, but give her some room to breathe."

I love you, Brynk.