Chapter 16
After the rest of the crew had gone to their beds—if not to sleep—for the night, Rose and the Doctor sat curled up together on the couches outside the infirmary. He sighed and pulled her back against his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist and looking at their clasped hands. "Rose?"
"Hmm?"
His voice was quiet and a little sad. "Exactly how many years did you spend looking for me?"
She swallowed and shrugged, her jumper rubbing against his suit. "I don't know, really. Long enough."
His hands tightened around hers. "What would you have done if you hadn't found me?"
Rose sighed and leaned back, resting her forehead against his neck. "Kept looking."
She could feel the movement of the Doctor's scowl against her hair. "That's not an answer."
She snorted quietly. "It is to me." There was a quiet creak in the dorms and River stepped out, almost dwarfed in her knitted robe. She walked forward carefully, keeping a steady gaze on the Doctor as she approached. Rose sat up a little, pulling out of the Doctor's embrace. "River? You all right?"
The girl sat abruptly, perching on a low cushion. She frowned and spoke to the Doctor. "How can you help with the screaming? You hear it, too—all the time. It's burnt into you."
The Doctor sighed. "The pain isn't yours to carry, River."
She rolled her eyes. "Isn't yours, either. One person can't hold the balance of the universe." The Doctor's lips tightened, and she snorted. "No, you shouldn't be able to."
After a moment, he cleared his throat, his cheeks tinted pink. "You hear everything, do you?"
"People talk with more than their mouths." River wrapped her arms around her knees. "And I can always hear."
The Doctor frowned. "River, I'm going to ask you something, and it may not be something you want to do—"
River ducked her head and swallowed, but her voice was steady when she spoke. "Yes, I'll show you." She glanced up at him, then returned her gaze to the floor. "I... I don't remember everything they did."
"If you went through it, River, it's still in there. You just can't access it anymore." He took a deep breath and gripped Rose's hand tightly, a grimace of pain moving across his face almost too quickly to see. "But I can. Are you sure you want to do this, River?"
She nodded, her head still against her knees. "My head's too full. Can't see what's inside it anymore."
The Doctor nodded, his hand still wrapped around Rose's. "Going through this again, it might be a little... disruptive. Is there somewhere quiet we could go?"
The girl stood abruptly, her shoulders tense. "Inara's shuttle. It's too full of empty for anyone to go in there."
The Doctor got up to follow her, but turned when Rose let go of his hand and got up to head to the dorms. "Rose?"
She smiled a little and tugged her jumper in place again. "You don't need me there—"
He arched an eyebrow and took her hand again. "I think I get to decide that, don't you think?"
"'S not like I'm goin' to be much help with the mind meld, you know."
"Shows what you know." He tightened his grip on her hand and smiled crookedly. "Stay with me?"
She swallowed, remembering a long-ago day watching dragons fly across burnt-orange skies. "Forever."
River snorted and rolled her eyes. "Come with me."
Rose looked around the dark, bare shuttle as they entered it, trying to reconcile the stark functionality of the vessel with the elegant brunette she'd seen on the screen earlier that day. Harsh white light came from the single lamp in the center of the ceiling. There was a low, stiff couch built into one wall, but other than the pilot's seat, that seemed to be its one allowance for passenger comfort.
The Doctor sat on the couch facing River and braced his hands at her temples, but glanced at Rose. "Rose, what we're about to do... I'm a little rusty. This used to be a method of gathering evidence for the Time Lords. Of course, consent wasn't always a consideration, with them. But that's not the point." He swallowed. "The point is, we're both going to be rather out of it. I'm going to need you to keep me anchored, Rose. If I go in too deep... let's just say it's not pretty."
She glanced back and forth between them and sat on the pilot's chair, turning it to face them and frowning thoughtfully. "How am I goin' to know? And what do I do, if you do go too deep?"
"You'll know." He smiled at her and slid his eyes shut at the same moment as River, leaving Rose behind.
She snorted and crossed her arms, leaning back against the heavy seat. Somehow she'd forgotten how irritating he could be at times. I'll know? Great advice, Doctor. Really. It's quite helpful. She watched them both in the stark light, how their eye moved around under their lids in unison, the shadow of fear that crossed over both of their faces. Time passed quietly as she watched their expressions rapidly grow more and more afraid.
Then they flinched in unison and began to scream, and Rose realized why this had to be done where no one else was around. Whatever the Doctor had initiated… they weren't just watching River's memories. They were re-living them. Rose stared in horror at the frail girl twitching on the couch. Oh, god. And River knew this would happen.
Rose slipped off the seat to kneel between them, intent on breaking the connection, on stopping the horrible spasms and whimpers—but the Doctor's voice came back to her, nervous but full of trust. 'You'll know.' Something told her she shouldn't break it yet, and she managed to keep herself from tearing the Doctor's hands from River's temples and wrapping them both in her arms. It wasn't time yet. Besides, whatever the purpose of this was, River considered the horror worth it. She had to respect the girl's decision.
Rose sat back on her heels, closing her eyes against their pain. There had to be something she could do to help them. Years of Torchwood training came back to her, and she looked around the shuttle. There wasn't anything there to help with trauma victims, but if she hurried, she should be able to get something from the infirmary. Blankets, sedatives, waste bins… remembering a long-ago Christmas, she smiled faintly. Tea.
She looked back up at them, biting her lip. The Doctor had wanted her there, though—how was she supposed to help them if she was off gathering supplies? After a moment, she rubbed a palm over her face in exasperation. No matter how many years it had been, she still wasn't quite used to the Bad Wolf. She took in a deep breath and concentrated, and in the pause between River and the Doctor's joint screams, she was back with supplies.
Forcing herself to ignore the exhaustion that always came after manipulating time, Rose sat back on the pilot's seat. Now, all she could do was wait.
What seemed like hours later, the Doctor and River's screams and whimpers died down to silence. Rose blinked and sat up, looking back and forth between them. The pain and fear that had been written across their faces had faded away, leaving an eerie stillness. Now. Rose reached up and pulled the Doctor's hands away from River's temples, breaking the bond that had been holding them together.
River pulled herself into a ball immediately, her slender form wracked with sobs. Rose pulled the waste bins she'd brought from the infirmary closer, and just in time—River convulsed heavily and vomited into it. Rose pulled her hair back and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, rubbing her back gently as the girl emptied her stomach. She glanced up at the Doctor and found him staring silently at nothing, his skin ashen. Rose tucked River's hair into a loose knot and settled the other blanket around the Doctor's shoulders, pressing the thermos of tea into his hands. She remembered him getting like this before, whenever one of their trips went really bad—closed off and silent, all his playful exuberance extinguished.
She crouched in front of them, rubbing River's back with one hand while stroking the Doctor's cheek with the other. God, she hated feeling like this—unable to help, just forced to watch as the people around her suffered. The Doctor's trail hadn't been an easy one to follow. She would never doubt that he did his best to make things better as he traveled, but sometimes it just didn't work out that way. More times than she wanted to count, she'd had to make a fast exit once the people around her found out just who she was searching for. Remembering the anger of Queen Victoria and the grief of Lady Isobel, Rose swallowed heavily. How much damage had they done, dancing across time and space together?
Rose jumped a little as a cool hand reached up to hold hers. The Doctor was watching her now, holding her hand lightly against his face. She gave him a slight smile. "Hello."
His eyes crinkled, one corner of his mouth tugging upwards. "Hello." He took a sip of tea and sighed, tucking her hand more fully into his and resting them on his thigh. "Sometimes I think I've seen every vile thing the universe could hold, but somehow, it just keeps surprising me." Rose nodded, smoothing River's hair back as the girl leaned over the waste bin, wheezing painfully. She'd had that thought often enough herself. How much worse did it have to be for someone who'd lived more than a millennia? His hand tightened on hers, and she looked up again to see him watching her more closely, his eyes tracing every curve and shadow of her face. "But then you come along, smashing every expectation I might have, and somehow I can't wait to see what the future holds."
Rose yawned suddenly and blushed, helping River rinse her mouth out. "Long as the future holds a bed somewhere, I'll be happy to explore it."
"I think rest would be a good idea for all of us. River?" The girl looked up, still shaking, and the Doctor reached out and tucked her blanket more tightly around her. "If you want, I could help you sleep. There'll be no nightmares, I promise." She nodded, and he reached forward and rested his fingertips at her temples. Her eyes slid shut, and the shaking stopped. Rose sighed and stood up, collecting all the supplies she'd brought with her—somehow, she didn't think Mal would be happy to know they'd been in there. The Doctor scooped River up in his arms to carry her to bed, and Rose paused as she slid the door to the shuttle closed behind them.
He looked so comfortable carrying River, tucking her closer to his chest to keep the blanket wrapped around her.
When she'd first traveled with the Doctor, she'd never even thought about being a parent. It seemed like something that would never touch her life—sure, Mels and Sarah from school had kids already, but that wasn't something she ever wanted. Then the Doctor had dropped his bombshell about being a dad once, and spending time with her baby brother became one of the few things that kept her sane, the first few years in Pete's world. Rose left the supplies back in the infirmary after rinsing out the waste bin and smiled as she watched the Doctor tucking River carefully into her bed. Maybe someday. After all, stranger things have happened. Remembering the planet of giant, carnivorous frogs the Doctor had accidentally taken her to, Rose bit back a laugh as she followed him into their dorm, sliding the door shut behind her. MUCH stranger things.
He yawned and began undressing casually, and soon they were wrapped up in bed together, the blankets wrapped around them like a cocoon. Resting her head against his chest and listening to the steady double-time of his heartbeats, Rose fell asleep almost immediately.