TwilitFox Productions Proudly Presents:
Chapter Four: Damn She Fine!
A blue shark sat in a silver Mercedes, and he couldn't help but think this was like a sardine can.
Kisame stared at the wheel. He could do this. Kisame could kill hundreds of people and battle a hundred enemies.
He could drive to the mall. The ninja slammed down on the pedal.
The car jumped forward and stopped, making Kisame almost fly through the windshield. Good thing he had his seat belt.
Kisame calmed his nerves as he gently pushed to pedal. The car smoothly slid forward, and onto the street.
Great, moving the car. Now, how to steer?
The ninja grabbed the wheel with both hands and moved the wheel around, like he saw on TV. The car changed with his every movement.
Easy.
He saw a car coming up ahead of him. No big deal. Kisame would just slow down.
Wait...
Which pedal was the brake again?
Kisame took a wild guess and slammed down on the pedal on the right. The car zoomed forward, almost smashing into the one in front. At the last minute Kisame jerked the wheel around, and the car streamed past the other car. The ninja drove into a small ravine, and the car seemed to crumple like aluminum. Kisame hit his head on the dashboard.
"Oww...," the ninja moaned as he dragged himself out of the vehicle. He flopped onto the ground. As Kisame stared at the clouds he realized something.
Why was he taking the car when he could just run?
Camryn hummed a flimsy little tune as she drove along, three miles under the speed limit. She liked Freddy's friends well enough. Except the blonde who kept hitting on her. He would have to go.
"What has one hundred forty-two teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk?"
"...my zipper."
Cam's humming grew louder.
"I'm from the FBI, Fine Body Investigators. I'm 'fraid I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position!"
"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
Cam finally replied, careful to keep an eye on the silver Mercedes on her ass. "Well, that's okay, but you'd give Mom a heart attack. I mean, we all knew Freddy had never had a girlfriend, but we never suspected..."
There was a loud burst of laughter coming from the blond girl in the backseat, Amy something. Derrick flushed, and shut up.
"Sorry Derrick, Freddy has standards. And he also doesn't own a microscope," the black-haired girl with red highlights said loudly.
Cam chuckled, glancing in her rearview mirror for the Mercedes. As she stared at it coolly, it sped up, and Cam realized that Freddy or no Freddy, she had to speed up. Now.
"Hang on, kiddles." She slammed her foot on the accelerator, as the loud blonde said, "Wait, what?", noticed the Mercedes, and then started screaming.
Freddy let out a particularly terrified shriek.
Immediately, Red Highlights and Perverted Blonde started laughing.
"You scream like a girl, Freddy," Perverted Blonde chuckled.
"THERE IS A CAR ABOUT TO KILL US, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT?" Amy screamed.
Derrick turned around and his face transformed. "Well, shit... SHIT!"
Amy locked her arms around Freddy's neck, screaming, "I DON'T WANNA DIE ALONE!"
Cam finally spun off to the side of the road, and the Mercedes barreled past.
"If you don't stop screaming, we're all going to die deaf," the one with the curly hair finally snapped.
"BUT CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL..."
"KING. Chill," Cam said. "Look around you. The car's gone. We're all good."
Amy stopped screaming, her arms still around Cam's little brother's neck. He looked completely unfazed, and Cam almost chuckled. Those two had been friends since Amy pitched a baseball into his stomach when they were twelve. Everything else fazed him, but Amy Leigh King did not.
Amy bounced in her seat, humming aimlessly and staring at Falls Plaza. She'd lived in Falls her whole life, but the local mall never ceased to amaze her. It was the biggest building she'd ever seen.
She didn't get out much.
"Amy, you're killing me," her seat complained.
Camryn's little Toyota didn't have enough seats for all six of them. After their brush with death, her screaming had gotten her shoved off of Riley's lap and onto the nearest, most tolerant lap available.
She stopped bouncing. "Sorry, Freddy."
He sighed and leaned back in his seat.
Camryn pulled up to the sidewalk and parked her car. Amy slid out immediately, followed by the other five.
Cam rolled down her window. "Don't go off with any rapists. Mom might get a little upset if you don't come back."
"Uh-huh," Freddy muttered. "A little."
She flashed her brother a grin and rolled the window up, speeding away.
Amy clutched Freddy's arm. "Let's go INSIDE, Freddy!"
Freddy eyed the building uneasily. "Ehh..."
"Come on, Freddy." Derrick grabbed his other arm. "You can't just go around in life avoiding everything you're afraid of."
The rest of the group blinked at Derrick, shocked at his uncharacteristic intelligence, but Freddy raised his eyebrows.
"Why not?"
"Because you're afraid of everything."
Freddy deadpanned. "Oh, you're funny."
"I want my damn coffee," Sam snapped. "Sooner we get in there, sooner I get my damn coffee. Now, are you going to walk in like a good little boy or am I going to have to shove you?"
Freddy sighed and trudged into the building, trying not to think about his sister's warning.
"I'm not even sure Sasori needs underwear," Kisame grumbled to himself.
He was in some big shopping center with a lot of people around him. The ninja had finally perfected a jutsu that could make his entire body appear normal. However, there was no way of making himself appear shorter. Kisame towered over people like a shepherd among his flock. And he had to find Sasori some underwear.
Kisame grudgingly ignored the stares and headed in search for a store that sold underwear. The ninja stopped under a sign that said 'Victoria's Secret' with a picture of a woman. An almost naked woman. The ninja almost ran inside the store.
Much to his disappointment, it was not a store that sold almost naked women. Racks of underwear, bras, and clothes lined one side while glowing shelves with perfume lined the other. Lines of clothes stood at the back.
In the center of the store stood a line of women waiting to check out, most of them staring at Kisame. The criminal ninja casually ignored the stares and walked away .
As he made his way to the back of the store, looking for anything naked and feminine or any underwear that looked even remotely masculine, he heard a voice.
"LOOK AT THAT ASS. That is the best ass in the entire world." Kisame followed the voice, navigating between clothes.
A young-looking blond girl tramped around in lacy underwear, puffed up with pride.
"MINE IS BETTER!" screamed a black-haired girl. She was also strutting around in underwear.
Kisame felt something drip from his nose and realized he had a nosebleed.
"Why am I friends with you two?" groaned the only clothed female.
"Because we are wonderful and we spice up your dull, boring life. Also, because you love us. And because we have smoking hot asses."
"And because you are Riley Fence, and not Derrick Mercedes who is trying to look." The black haired girl looked pointedly at a blond boy who was looking over his shoulder.
"Who, me?" Derrick feigned innocence.
"Hurry it up, I feel weird in a store like this!" another boy shouted, keeping his back turned.
"Don't get your panties in a twist Dan! We're almost done!"
The two girls bounced into the changing rooms. Kisame was tempted to follow them in there.
"Ahem!" a voice called from behind him.
The ninja turned around to come face-to-face with a very angry woman.
"You're scaring off the customers, get out!"
Kisame walked out of the store feeling very different. And he still had no underwear.
"Hurry it up!" Sam screamed.
"Samantha Abbott, you took FOREVER just to buy underwear. And nobody even sees underwear!" Derrick screamed back.
Riley crossed her arms and sighed. For the tenth time.
"I am sitting here in an American Eagle watching my friends yell at each other. I could be home spending time with Jamie. Or walking Bandit. Or doing homework."
"Or not complaining!" Dan snapped from inside the changing rooms.
Amy giggled. Riley glared at her.
Finally, Dan, Derrick and Freddy came out wearing new pants and tight fitting shirts.
Dan looked good in his shirt, Freddy appeared a little skinny in his, and Derrick looked like he was pregnant.
Sam snorted. "Somebody knocked Derrick up."
Derrick gave Sam the finger and turned around to change back into his regular clothes. Dan tried to discreetly check himself out in the mirror.
"Don't bother," Amy said, flipping her hair. "You look gorgeous, Dan."
"That's not very manly," Dan complained.
Freddy looked at Amy. "What about me?"
She bounced up from her seat and practically jumped on him, throwing her arms around his neck. "You look spectacular, as always, Freddy boy. Now stop being so insecure and go change back. I want to go back to Victoria's Secret."
"YO, SHAWTY GOT A NICE ASS!"
Riley groaned. It had taken them over a half hour to get Amy clothed and out of the lingerie store. It was not a process she wished to repeat.
Quickly thinking, Riley said, "I wanted to go up the glass elevator."
Amy beamed at Riley, "Okay!"
"DAMN SHE FINE!"
Sam snickered.
"Shut up, Derrick," Riley sighed.
Kisame stood in a cramped elevator, his arms filled with stuff, surrounded by six teenagers.
In fact, the same teenagers he'd seen in the store. And now that he had a better look at them, Kisame realized these were his students!
The curly-haired girl was quietly staring out the glass elevator, quietly
in her own thoughts. A dark-haired boy with blue eyes - Daniel Malvagio, Kisame thought - mimicked her.
The other four were a different story. They argued, called each other names, shoved and fought.
Finally the dark-haired boy threatened them to silence. Until they started whispering again.
Kisame looked up, and saw the second story looming closer. Thank God.
The elevator was old and unattractive, and there were small breaks in the glass. It smelled like rotten milk.
Ssshk!
Suddenly the old elevator lurched, and Kisame was thrown to the glass side, and the quiet girl was sandwhiched beneth him. Kisame turned his head to see a loose cable flapping to the side, unbalancing the entire elevator. He could hear screams from the onlookers below them. The other students cried out in alarm as they smashed against the steel part of the elevator, arms and legs getting tangled together. Kisame tried to push off from the girl, but stopped as the glass started breaking, silver spiderwebs appearing. And then the girl started squirming, trying to get out from under him. The ninja heard a very distinct 'crack'.
"Stop!" Kisame yelled at the girl.
Too late. The glass broke apart, and the two were sent spiraling down.
Hola! Fox here, not sure where Lillie's author note is.
Yes. I acknowledge that this chapter is scarring.
I swear Derrick's not pregnant.
I wrote a decent part of this chapter, so parts of it might not make sense. "CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL" is something that not even I understand, but several of my friends won't stop saying it, so I thought it would please them if I made Amy allude to their greatness. As for Derrick's lines while he's changing ("YO, SHAWTY GOT A NICE ASS," and "DAMN SHE FINE!", the latter of which is the chapter title) are completely random and from a video on Youtube. The title of it escapes me, but if you search "ghetto deer", it should pop up. Best video on Youtube, with the exception of my personal favorite
LEEEEROYYYYYYY JEEEEEEENKIINNNNNNSSSSSSS
As always, review!
(Lillie - I know you indicated in your edit at the top that the title of this chapter was supposed to be "The Mall", but, well... I couldn't resist.)
T: Well, My AN is down here.
I had to go to a DRCB today, and I went down Town for the first time in years. It was awesome, we had to pay for parking, get our bags x-rayed and then they metal detector-ed us. Awesome.
SO VERY SOON WE WILL HAVE A CONTEST!
Tell us if you would participate, since we are mostly working in the dark.
And don't forget to review.
Or die.