First off I would like to apologize for the wait. Peace and quiet and inspiration have been hard to come by these days. I would also like to apologize to anyone who has just read the entire story without the pleasure of getting to read Chapter 30. I still don't understand it's sudden disappearance and sadly did not have it saved anywhere else. I will try to re-write it as soon as I get a chance.
goshtperfect- Well I am glad I could make you fall in love with Spencer all over again. Thanks :)
sgarc12- Glad you enjoyed the drool worthy, sexy spencer chapter. Thanks for the advice and the semi-beta-ing :)
purplelover92- Well thanks for the review even though you did get me an awesome xmas present ;) I do love writing the 'hot scenes' but probably not as much as you like reading them. haha
JayJayxo- Hell to the yes...thank you :)
naranga87- Well thank you Lazy Shadow Reader *shakes head*. I am so glad that you thought this chap was Amaze-balls and I am proud.. so thanks again :)
Twittyarg- So sorry to hear about your sister. And sadly no, it is not just my imagination writing these chapters. The experience is truly heartbreaking. I hope I can continue to make this story 'real' for you. Thanks :)
Ade77- I am so happy you have enjoyed the story.. I hope you continue to read even after this chap :)
ashleynspencer44ever- Lol. Thanks :)
momo0424- As always...thanks :)
imaferrari- Sorry to hear about your sister. Hope I can continue to make this as "true to life" as possible. Thanks.
Toni- Really sorry to hear about your cousin's baby. That is horrible. Thank you for taking the time to read and review :)
roofio13- Well I am glad that it caught your attention and you are enjoying it. Thanks so much for the review :)
RandomMind- It must have sucked to be without your computer and ipod at the same time. Ugh..I would be lost. Lol. Glad you got them fixed. And thanks :)
Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. Apprecitate it sooooo much :)
I own nothing but my imagination.
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others. – Pericles
Over the last 2 months Alyssa has taught us a lot. She taught us all very meaningful lessons. She taught us love. She taught us strength. She taught us courage. She taught us that life is short…don't forget to live it.
I made promises to her in those last 8 weeks. Promises I would do anything and everything to live by.
"Ash, don't ev-er give up on wh-at you love to do." She put her hand over her heart.
"I won't Lyss. I'm too stubborn." She gave me a smile and a look that said she knew all too well about my stubbornness.
"Prom-ise me A-Ash." She moved her hand from her heart and placed it over my hand.
"I promise." I gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
Alyssa worried about her mom. She was worried she would be alone after she passed. She worried that her mom would have nothing since she gave everything up for her.
"Ash?" She whispered, her voice cracking.
"Yeah sweetie." I was in a chair next to her bed reading while she slept, which was more and more every day.
"My m-mom." A tear fell from her eye and I wiped it quickly.
"What about your mom?"
"Ma-ake sure she's o-kay. Ple-ease." She was full on crying now and I pushed back my own tears fighting to break through.
"Of course, you don't need to worry about her. I'll make sure she is taken care of. I promise."
She wanted me to follow my dreams. She wanted me to go out there and show them what I had, who I was.
"You ha-ve to to-ur Ash. No-one will b-uy your rec-cord if they don't kn-ow who y-you are."
"Really Lyss, Record?" She shook her head and rolled her eyes.
"Do-on't change the sub-ject."
"I don't know if I can. Three months of non stop performing. I don't know if I can handle that. Plus, I love Spencer too much to be away from her for that long." I couldn't last a couple weeks let alone months.
"Trust me A-ash. You'll reg-ret it later on. You'll always w-onder, what if?" She was right and I knew it but I was weak. Weak and in love.
She knew what I was thinking. She said I always had the same corny look on my face when I thought of Spencer.
"She lov-es you like cr-razy Ash. She'll be th-ere when you g-et back."
"Fine. I'll tour."
She gave me a questioning look.
"I promise."
And then came the big day. Alyssa's 18th birthday. Yes, she made it. Of course she didn't want us making a big deal out of it and we all understood that. I mean what do you get a girl who is dying? So we had a small party in her room. There wasn't a cake, just a few balloons and her loved ones. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
"Ever-y-one t-o be ha-ppy f-or a d-day."
Her words were very hard to understand but I had been around her enough to know what she was saying. It wouldn't be too long until she couldn't speak.
We watched home videos of her as a child and I sang.. a lot. I knew it was what she wanted. That was very evident by the smile on her face.
She fell asleep half way through her party so that gave me time to set up a few things.
About 10 minutes after she woke up I walked into the room and started lighting the candles I had scattered around her room. After they were all lit everyone walked into the room and the lights were turned off.
We couldn't give her a cake. But we could give her the candles. Spencer handed me my guitar. I started the song off and everyone followed after the first line.
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Alyssa,
Happy Birthday to you.
Now you may ask how it could have been a happy birthday for Alyssa but if you could see her face you would see that it was.
She weakly held her shaking arms out and everyone one by one gave her a birthday hug and kiss.
After some time with everyone and then some after that with her mom I made me way into her room. She was falling asleep again but opened her eyes when she saw me walk in.
"H-hey, wa-want…. say th-thank….y-ou." It killed me to see how hard she struggled to get that out and in a way that I could understand. Every time a moment like this would occur I held strong. I had to, for her. Sometimes she could read me pretty well though.
"It's o-okay." She reassured me.
"I'm sorry Lyss. I know you…need me to be strong…. I'm trying." It was hard for me to get that out too. I was getting choked up and could no longer hold back the tears.
"No. J-just nee-need you."
"What am I ..going to do when you're ….gone?"
"I'll be u-up with the s-stars. Ju-st look up and I'll b-be th-ere."
I climbed up onto her bed and put my arm around her. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Sleep Lyss. I know you're tired." I rested my chin on the top of her head and closed my eyes.
"St-stay." She whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere."
A couple days later Spence and I were sitting in her room chatting. Well Spence and I were chatting. Alyssa was exhausted from trying to talk; she mostly used the letter board. I sat on one side of her and Spencer on the other. We were laughing and having a good time. The DVD of me that Spence had given to Alyssa was playing in the background. My elbows were resting on her bed and she took one of my hands in her weak grasp and then held out her hand for Spencer. She looked at me and smiled and then over at Spencer.
"Th-ank .. y-you."
Spencer looked confused.
"For what sweetie?"
She didn't say anything; she just joined all of our hands and smiled at me again.
She was thanking Spence for… me.
Spence and I both climbed up onto the bed and we wrapped our arms around her and just held each other. It wasn't a sad hug. It was a happy hug. No tears. Just smiles.
About a week later Ms. Cooper and I sat down with her. She wasn't talking at all now. It was too much of a struggle to get out one word. And that one word usually was unrecognizable. She was barely using any form of communication now. She was too tired.
"Hey Lyss." I sat down and slid my hand into hers. She gave it a small squeeze, one I could barely feel.
"Your mom and I have some great news." She looked over at her mom then back to me.
"We talked a lot about it over the last month and we've decided to start an organization. One that helps children who have a disease. A fatal disease. To help cope and make them happy with the time they have. My dad is going to help out with the financial part of it and your mom… your mom is going to run it."
Her lips lifted up slightly. Just enough to be recognized as a smile. Her hand moved up and down off of her lap signaling to get the picture cards. I grabbed the stack of cards and held them up as I sifted through them.
She groaned a "stop".
I stopped and flipped the card over.
Happy
"Good. We just have a few things to discuss. Like a name and where we are going to run it from and …." I was interrupted by her movement, she wanted the cards again.
Once again I sifted through them until she stopped me again.
I love you
"I love you too Lyss. I love you too."
Over the last couple months my dad had become very close with Ms. Cooper. It was weird seeing my dad affectionate with her. Even if it was just a hug or an arm around her it seemed to give her great comfort. I was glad she had him to help her through this. My dad had left for a couple days, only saying that he had business to take care of. I wondered what kind of business would be more important than being here with us. I was kind of upset but he said he would be back before we knew it and that it was necessary that he left.
He was back in less than two days but he wasn't alone. He was with a man who looked vaguely familiar to me. I knew I had seen him before somewhere. When he hugged Ms. Cooper I realized right away who he was.
Alyssa's father.
I shook my head in disgust as he walked up to me.
"You must be Ashley. Janet has told me a lot about you."
He held his hand out. I ignored it and crossed my arms.
I looked over at my dad and he just shrugged.
"Okay then. I guess that is deserved."
I just stood my ground and glared at him.
"So where is she?" He asked Ms. Cooper.
Oh no. No fucking way.
It was time to speak up.
"No way. You're not going in there."
I walked over to the door and stood in front of it. If he wanted to get in there he was going to have to get past me and I wasn't budging.
"Ashley, please. He needs to see his daughter and she needs to see him." Ms. Cooper pleaded with me.
"I can't let him in there. She doesn't need him. He'll just upset her."
I looked back at him.
"You're not getting in there."
"Ashley I know I have been a horrible father…"
I of course interrupted him.
"Don't forget a disgustingly pathetic excuse for a human being."
I wasn't one to hold back and I sure wasn't going to now.
"I know I don't deserve to see her. I am exactly what you said I am. I don't deny it and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Alyssa asking me to be here."
"What? No. Why would she want to see you? You abandoned her and her mom. Where the hell have you been the past 5 years? She has gone through hell, where have you been?" I was yelling at this point. On the brink of explosion. I wanted to hit the jerk square in the face.
"Ashley sweetie, Alyssa asked to see him. I couldn't deny her that. Please move and let him in."
Why would Alyssa want to see him?
I continued to stand my ground in front of her door.
I looked at my dad again. He was motioning with his head for me to move.
After about another minute or so I finally moved.
In that minute or so I thought about my life. My mother.
If I were in Alyssa's place, would I want to see my mother one last time?
The answer came quick and clear.
Yes.
Spencer and I went for a long walk that day. I had to get out of the house and away from her dad. Before the end of the day I was sure I was going to hurt him. The need to protect Alyssa was natural to me. She was like my little sister and I was afraid he was going to hurt her.
"I just wanted to punch him Spence."
We had walked probably a half a mile before we had taken a seat in the sand.
"I know baby, but he is her father and she wanted to see him." She tangled her hand in mine and then looked at it as if she were still amazed they fit so well.
"I don't know what I would do without you right now Spence." I leaned over and kissed her shoulder letting my lips linger there for a bit before laying my head down on it.
"I love you so much Spencer."
She kissed my head and then leaned hers onto mine.
"I love you too baby."
Over the next week I had no choice but to try and get along with Alyssa's dad. Apparently he wasn't going anywhere. After dinner one night he followed me out to the patio.
"She has every right to hate me, as do you. I only did what I thought was right. I stayed away for her." He leaned against the railing as I took a seat on the steps.
I wasn't going to comment. I didn't want to fight with him.
"I am an alcoholic and I stayed away because I am weak and pathetic."
"I do believe we already covered that." My smart mouth finally opened.
He ignored me.
"Alyssa needed strong people in her life. I couldn't be that for her. I would've just made things worse. So I left. I left and drowned myself in bottle after bottle until I was living on the street."
"I feel so bad for you."
He ignored me again.
"I didn't want to come back into Alyssa's life until I was better, stronger."
"Well it's a little late now don't you think?"
He looked down. Finally not ignoring my words.
"I get that you wanted to be strong for her. I get that every day. But if you knew your daughter at all you would know that she is strong enough for the both of you. She didn't need you to be strong for her..she just needed you with her. She didn't need you to be the perfect dad, she just needed her dad. I know she needed some kind of closure with you and that is all fine and dandy but that doesn't mean that I have to like you."
With that I got up and walked back into the house. I was upset and mad and I needed to Spencer.
"Ashley?" Ms. Cooper called on me from Alyssa's room.
When I entered she was sitting next to her bed. She barely left Alyssa's side now.
"Hey."
"Do you think you could sing a song for her?"
"Are you sure that is what she wants?" I knew she loved when I sang to her but I didn't know what to sing.
"I think she would make you sing to her every day if she could."
"I don't know about that. She would probably get tired of my voice."
Ms. Cooper shook her head.
"Alyssa if you would like Ashley to sing you a song, tell her."
The crazy thing about ALS was that you lose all ability to move and talk but it does not affect any of the senses or the mind. I don't know if that made me feel better or worse. Thinking about Alyssa stuck inside of herself tore me up inside.
"Uhhggh" Alyssa groaned. I guess that was a yes.
"Okay okay." I just had to find a song to sing. I grabbed her I-pod off the side table and checked her playlist. It was all Beatles songs. I had turned her into a fan over the last couple months.
She patiently waited as I scrolled through the songs. Ms. Cooper cleared her throat and as I looked over at her she mouthed.
"Something happy."
Something happy… hmmmm.
Ms. Cooper walked over to where I was standing and pointed at a song on the I-pod.
"It's my favorite and she loves it too."
Well then that is settled.
I picked up my guitar and tuned it just right. Then I sat down at the foot of the bed and started strumming.
*Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you´ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh, please, say to me
You´ll let me be your man
and please, say to me
You´ll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah you, got that something
I think you´ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah you, got that something
I think you´ll understand
When I feel that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand.
She wasn't smiling because she couldn't but I could see the smile in her eyes. And that was enough for me.
I set my guitar down, went to the front of the bed and wrapped her in my arms.
"I love you Alyssa. Every time I get up on that stage… It will be for you."
I would never forget that moment with Alyssa and her mom. It will be clear and present in my mind for the rest of my life.
September was fast approaching and Spencer had to make a decision. She was supposed to go back to UCLA for the new school year but she didn't want to leave me. I told her that she should go. I insisted that she go. But she knew me too well. I needed her. I couldn't be without her. Especially right now. The problem was that the University needed her too and she couldn't lose her job. So she decided to do 4 classes a week and take the hour plus drive back and forth every day. It was not going to be easy on her.
The last weekend of August we got some surprise visitors. Chelsea, Madi and …Casey. I was so happy to see them. All of them. We spent the entire weekend together just reminiscing and laughing and just having a good time. Well as good of time I could possibly have considering. I have to be honest it was a little awkward with Spencer and Casey being in the same room but they were both mature about it. Casey was back to being Casey, my old best friend and I realized how much I really missed her.
While Spence, Miranda, Madi and Chelsea were engrossed in a conversation, Casey found me on the beach. I came out here a lot, alone. I just needed to be by myself.
"Want some company?" She said while sitting down next to me in the sand.
"Sure. Of course."
She would have stayed even if I had said no.
"I hope you don't mind me being here. When Miranda called I was unsure but she made it seem like you could use your friends right now. Are we still friends?"
"I'm happy that you're here Case. I've missed you. Really. And yes, were still friends. We'll always be friends."
I took her hand that was playing with the sand and held it tight in mine. Casey had always been a comfort for me since we were kids. Whenever I got into it with my mom or worried and wondered about my dad she always knew how to calm me down. I felt that sense of calm in that moment with her. It was a good feeling to have my friend back.
They left on a Sunday night and afterwards Alyssa's doctor had to come make an emergency visit. Something was wrong. She was having an even harder time breathing, a fever had spiked and she was groaning a lot.
You don't know how scared I was standing in the door way while he examined her. I had never seen her like this and I couldn't take it. I turned around and nearly knocked Spencer over in the process. She grabbed a hold of me and I lost it in her arms.
The doctor left after about 2 hours.
Alyssa had developed pneumonia.
Apparently it was very common.
After that the days went by slow and felt like they would never end. Alyssa was suffering, it was the worst I had ever seen her. All I could do was sit there and offer words of comfort, a hand on the arm, a stroke through the hair, a damp cloth. Anything to try and make her feel just a little bit better. I just needed her to know I was there and that I wasn't leaving. She needed to know she wasn't alone.
I couldn't sleep. I was too afraid. I sat by her bedside when her mom needed a break. Spencer and Miranda sat with me a lot of the time. Most of the time we talked to her. Some of the time we just sat there and read. I made sure there was always music playing in the back ground. I knew Alyssa wanted that. And of course I sang to her. Every night, I sang to her. Whether she was awake or not, I knew she could hear me.
It was Labor Day weekend and Spence had just left for home. She had a lot of preparing to do before the start of the school year. She was only gone a couple hours and I missed her like crazy. She said she would be back later that night and that made it a little easier.
Miranda and I took a walk down the shoreline. It was a beautiful September night and I could not believe the amount of stars that were in the sky. I took in the sight and immediately thought of Alyssa. I wished she could see the sky tonight. I wished she were here with us on this beach enjoying the beauty and good company.
"We should get back. I want to talk to Alyssa. I want to tell her about the stars."
We walked back to the house and when we reached the steps her father was walking down them. He walked right past us with a blank look on his face. Something was wrong. I ran up the stairs and into the house. Nothing had prepared me for what I was about to walk in on.
My dad holding on to a hysterical Ms. Cooper who was standing over a lifeless Alyssa.
"She's gone." Ms. Cooper cried.
I think I was in shock for a few minutes…then my knees gave out and I collapsed. Luckily Miranda was there to catch me.
I don't remember a lot of what happened next.
I just remember the tears.
And the sick feeling in my stomach.
And the warmth of my dad's arms around me.
I sobbed into his arms for what seemed like hours. After I pulled myself together a bit I noticed Miranda sitting next to Alyssa, holding on to hand with both of hers. I stood up and wiped my eyes.
"Thanks Dad. I'm okay now. Janet needs you." Her whole world was just taken from her.
"Are you sure Princess?" His voice cracked and it was easy to see that he needed comfort as well.
"Yeah. I have Miranda. Take care of Janet."
He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug.
"I'm sorry Ashley. I know she meant a lot to you."
I just nodded.
He made his way back to the grief stricken mother who had still not left Alyssa's side and wrapped his arms around her.
I felt the tears coming on again and pushed them back. I could cry later.
Approaching the bed I closed my eyes. Visions of happy times and a laughing Alyssa overflowed my thoughts. I pursed my lips and took a deep breathe while a few tears escaped from behind my eyes and made their way down my cheeks.
A soft and warm hand slid into mine and I looked down into another set of eyes that were sad and heartbroken. Miranda squeezed my hand before standing up and offering me her chair.
I sat down and she stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders. Caressing them comfortingly.
She looked the same. Like nothing had changed. Like she was just sleeping.
We all sat there for probably an hour, mostly in silence. Mr. Cooper joined us and stood beside me. He looked so sad and lost and I didn't stop my hand when it reached for his.
About another half hour passed when we heard a door shut and within seconds Spencer was standing in the door way. Her hand went to her mouth and instantly her eyes teared up. I was off my chair in a matter of seconds and pulling her into my arms.
"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry." She whispered into my ear.
I stayed in Spencer's arms for a long time. We sat down on the couch and I laid my head on her chest. The sound of her heartbeat and the touch of her hand on my back was such a comforting feeling. I looked over towards the window and remembered the stars I had seen not too long ago.
Before I knew it I was standing on the patio staring up at those stars. There were so many of them. I thought back to that day with Alyssa.
"I'll be u-up with the s-stars. Ju-st look up and I'll b-be th-ere."
She was up there now. And I truly believed she was the reason for all of the stars out tonight.
I looked to the sky one last time with a smile.
"Good bye Alyssa. I miss you already."
This chapter is dedicated to all of you that have lost someone you love to any form of disease, to all of you who have lost someone you love far too soon.
Reviews=Inspiration
Song:
I wanna hold your hand- The Beatles (thanx 2-pint)