Thanks for the reviews everyone.
This chapter contains the song that I named this story after, Holding on and letting go by Ross Copperman. For anyone who doesn't know it, it's actually the song used in the finale at the end of CSI: NY season 7.
Disclaimer: Not mine if you've seen them on CSI: NY. The songs not mine either.
Chapter 8
"Beth, please, speak to me, sweetheart!" Jo said loudly. Beth mumbled something but Jo couldn't understand what it was, she could barely hear it. "Beth!" Jo said even louder, gently slapping her face.
Still Beth hardly responded.
"I'm sorry, baby." she said as she slapped her hard across the face.
Beth seemed to pop awake. "What the hell!" she muttered.
She saw Jo and then sighed as she remembered the last face she had seen before she had succumbed to the drug in her system. She groggily turned to the side and saw some money lying next to her on the bed. She clumsily picked up the paper bills and counted. "20 bucks…" she scoffed. "Ass hole." she muttered angrily before she pushed Jo away from her and pushed herself up.
She held the bed sheet around herself as she grabbed some clothes out of her wardrobe, trying to ignore Jo who she knew was staring at her. She cast a quick glance at the clothes on the floor by her bed, Jo's clothes. The clothes she had taken from her bag at the hospital. She threw her own clothes down on the end of the bed and scooped up Jo's shirt, jeans and pumps and walked over to her. She dumped them in Jo's arms then turned to fetch her own again.
She turned when she heard Jo throw the clothes down onto the couch. "Do you really think I care about getting my clothes back right now?" Jo scoffed.
"I don't know what you care about. I just know it's not me." Beth said matter-of-factly to her.
With her clothes in her hand she crossed over to the bathroom, quickly glancing at Jo. She saw the look on her face, the pain, the tears that had welled up in her eyes. She walked into the bathroom and kicked the door shut behind her.
Jo sighed, feeling a little sick. She knew what she had almost walked in on and hated what she had walked in on, Beth under the influence of drugs. It made her feel sick that Beth had sold herself for money, probably money that would fund her next fix.
In the bathroom, Beth pulled her shirt on and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She saw the healed cuts on her shoulders, her chest. Saw the healing gash on her arm, she softly traced her fingers over it. Images of Warren throwing her through the coffee table flashed before her eyes, the sound of the cheap wood breaking beneath her seemed to deafen her. Her cries of pain when he punched her in the stomach rang through her head and she placed her hand on her side, feeling the pain as clear as she had then.
She quickly turned the tap on and splashed cold water on her face, trying to wash away the memories. She stood up and found herself looking at her reflection again. She hated the face staring back at her, the vacant dark eyes. It was the face and the eyes of a person she thought she had left in her past, but she was finding they were here again, tormenting her, trying to take over once more. She turned the tap back on and splashed more water on her face.
A few minutes had passed by when Jo looked up from the floor as the bathroom door opened and Beth walked out, now fully dressed and looking a little fresher and a little less drugged up.
Beth looked at her and noticed that she still had the same disappointed look on her face. Unable to take it or the silence any longer she asked "What?"
Jo forced her tears back and asked. "You told me you'd stopped taking drugs."
"I had." Beth said as she pushed past her and walked over to the kitchen sink.
"But what, you just figured you would start up again?"
"Well we have Warren to thank for that, don't we?" Beth said as she poured herself a glass of water and took a long swig from it.
"Warren's dead. He didn't make you take whatever the hell you took today."
"What can I say, once an addict always an addict." Beth said, pushing past her again.
"What about the man you just slept with for twenty bucks? The one I passed by on my way here!"
Beth spun round to face her and said angrily, "It was supposed to be more!" She glared at Jo and suddenly laughed. "Guess he just told me what I was really worth."
"It doesn't matter how much it was for, why did you do it?" Jo asked.
"You know what, this really has nothing to do with you!" she said.
"Yes it does!" Jo told her matter-of-factly.
"Why because you're a cop and you're gonna arrest me for it?" Beth mocked as she turned away from her.
"No because I'm your mother!"
Beth stopped dead and turned to face her again, "Don't you dare! Don't you dare try to play that card, Jo! You didn't want to be my mother, remember? As far as I'm concerned I don't have a mother." she said coldly. "I never have." she added.
Jo tried to push the comment aside and said, "It was never about me not wanting to be your mother. I'm sorry that you never had the life that I wanted for you and I know it's my fault."
"Oh so you do take responsibility? Good to know that you will for some things, just not a new-born, right?" Beth said harshly.
"Stop it! I made what I thought was the right choice." Jo argued.
"Yeah and so did I just now." Beth snapped.
"You think that taking drugs and prostituting yourself out to scumbags like that man is the right choice to make?"
"Looks like we're both screw-ups, guess I inherited it from you. You know what else, I don't have the luxury of having a lot of choice in my life because I'm kinda limited to the men I can go with, because the good men out there aren't interested in screwing a poor junkie whore like me." Beth snapped.
"That's not who you are!" Jo said as she stepped up to her.
"You don't know me!" Beth screamed at her as she stepped back, away from her. "You know nothing about me!" she said as she stepped over to window.
"I know that you have been through so much stuff that you never should have." Jo said as she followed Beth over to the window. "You spent your life alone and abused, and you lost Alice, the only friend…"
"Don't you dare talk about her!" Beth yelled angrily at her, her eyes filled with tears of hurt. "You don't get to talk about her." she said in a warning tone. She swiped away the tears that rolled down her cheek.
"Beth, please don't be angry with me, I want to make this all up to you." Jo said.
"I don't care!" Beth snarled.
"Beth, please?" Jo begged as she tried to reach out and hold Beth's hand.
Beth pulled back from her. "I think you should leave." she said.
"No, I want to talk to you. We need to sort this out."
"No we don't. This is who I am, Jo!" she said. "I'm sorry if that disappoints you."
"Beth, you could do anything you want with your life, be whatever you want to be…"
"Oh what the hell would you know!" Beth yelled at her as he tears threatened to fall again. "You think that because Tyler is in college and that Ellie will probably go that I could! I didn't have the liberty of going to school and getting an education. I didn't have the support of loving parents. Instead I got abused in every way possible!"
"Not a day went by when I didn't think about you, and there isn't a moment since meeting you and knowing what you've been through that I don't feel guilty…"
"Good, I want you to feel guilty!" Beth snapped bitterly. "Wait, is that why you adopted Ellie, because you felt guilty that give your first daughter away?" Beth asked.
Jo looked at her and shook her head as she said, "No, she needed me…"
"I needed you!" Beth screamed at her, her voice breaking into sobs that she struggled to control. She didn't have the energy to keep up the tough girl routine anymore. She wanted Jo to know how she really felt. "I needed a mother! I needed someone to be there for me, to take care of me and protect me!" she said as her tears fell.
"I'm sorry." Jo said as her own tears began to fall. She tried to take a step closer to Beth but once more she moved away.
"You don't get to come and play mommy dearest now. You gave up that chance when you gave me up." Beth told her.
Jo could only look at her as her tears began to fall. "I'm so, so sorry." she said, her voice barely a whisper.
Beth looked back at her for a moment before she looked away and shook her head. She said, "I want you to go…" She turned to face her again and added, "And don't ever come back." she said.
Jo looked at her for what seemed like forever before she could only nod. If she tried to speak she knew it would be only sobs that escaped her lips. She turned and walked over to the door. She stopped when she reached it and gulped hard, pushing her sobs back down. She said, "If you ever need me, for anything, you know where to find me. You might not believe it, but I never stopped loving you and I never will."
Beth just turned away from her not wanting Jo to see her tears. Jo stepped out and shut the door behind her. As soon as Beth heard it close she crumpled to her knees on the floor and began sobbing out loud.
Is anybody out there?
Is anybody listening?
Does anybody really know if it's the end of the beginning
Jo made it half way down the first flight of stairs before she had to grip the wall with one hand and cover her face with her other as her tears began to fall. She too crumpled to the floor, crying uncontrollably.
The quiet rush of one breath is all we're waiting for.
Sometimes the one we're taking, changes every one before.
~0~0~0~0~
It was just the next night when Beth found herself standing outside the bar in which she knew she would find Karl. She wanted another fix and was ready to do whatever it took to get it. She walked over to the stairs and made her way up them past Pete, the bodyguard.
"Hey Pete." she said quietly, feeling ashamed of herself.
"Hey, Beth. You taking care of yourself?" he asked, stopping her dead in her tracks.
She turned and looked at him and shook her head. She looked up at the sign of the bar and took a step backwards. "See you round, Pete." she said as she walked away preparing herself for the struggle ahead.
It's everything you wanted. It's everything you don't,
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
~0~0~0~0~
Jo walked through the lab carrying a file retaining information on the newest case she was working on. Luckily it was proving to be a simple open and shut case which she was more than thankful for because she couldn't seem to keep her mind from wandering back to Beth. Thinking about their last conversation brought fresh burning tears to her eyes.
She hesitated, trying to regain her composure, before she walked into the lab to face Hawkes and Lindsay who were working the case with her.
Some prayers find an answer, and some prayers never know.
We're holding on and letting go.
~0~0~0~0~
Two weeks later.
The days and nights seemed to pass by quickly over the next two weeks. Beth had proudly been clean for the whole two weeks. She'd managed it again and she didn't plan on going back ever again.
Things were tough for her at the moment. She was now only working one job and so had even less money than before. She was starving for a meal and could only afford cheap takeaways that tasted as nasty as they looked.
So it was a cold New York night when she was stood by a hot dog stand, all she could afford tonight. She turned when she heard a familiar voice say, "Can I interest you in some real food?"
"Adam." she said with a smile.
"I was going to grab some pizza at my favorite Italian place if you'd like to join me. You'll save me from looking all lonely and pathetic." Adam said.
"Wow, Adam, you really know how to ask a girl out on a date, don't you?" Beth teased with a friendly smile.
"Sorry. Let me start again…" he said, a little flustered. "I'd really like you to join me for a meal, my treat." he said with a smile that gave Beth butterflies.
She nodded and said, "I'd really like that."
Adam smiled like he'd won the grand national and together they began walking down the street. Adam casually slipped his hand around Beth's. She could only laugh and hold on to his.
Sometimes we're holding angels, and we never even know.
Don't know if we'll make it, but we know we just can't let it show.
They had eaten their meal and were now enjoying the desserts. They hadn't stopped talking and laughing the entire time they had been at the restaurant. Beth was feeling totally comfortable, and more herself around Adam, than she had ever felt around anyone. She dipped her finger into the melted chocolate sauce of her dessert and then wiped it on Adam's cheek, laughing.
Laughing himself Adam did the same to her, making them both laugh more. They didn't even care that they looked like idiots with smears of chocolate sauce on their faces. The only thing they saw when they looked at each other was eyes that reflected the same feeling.
Adam plucked up the courage to lean in and place a gentle kiss on Beth's lips. It felt so odd to her. No one had ever kissed her like it; it was so tender and loving. She liked it and she found herself kissing him back.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
Some prayers find an answer and some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go.
Jo was stood on the roof of the crime lab. She was looking over the city that she loved so much. Tonight she saw it differently. She saw it only as a void between her and Beth who she knew was somewhere out there in it, not wanting to speak to her.
Yeah we're letting go...
She just looked up at the starry sky and prayed that she was safe and happy. She turned when she heard the crunch of gravel next to her. She smiled when she saw Mac. He gave her a quick smile back before he turned to look out at the beautiful city as well.
Only when he sensed her tears falling did he reached out and slip his arm around her waist and pull her close to him. She wrapped her arm around him and as they looked out at the city she let her tears fall.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
Some prayers find an answer and some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go
~0~0~0~0~
2 weeks later
"Freeze!" Mac yelled as he pointed his gun at the suspect who was attempting to make a run for it from him and Jo.
The suspect looked at Mac, defeated. He didn't see Jo come up behind him, just felt her slam him down on the bonnet of a car. Mac stood back and watched it play out, his gun still pointed at the suspect, just in case.
"Where did you think you were running to?" Jo asked him.
"Anywhere you weren't, bitch!" he spat at her.
Mac was a little shocked when Jo pulled him up only to slam him back down, hard.
"You have no idea how big a bitch I can be!" she snapped.
Mac couldn't help but think she was acting so out of character. He lowered his gun as Flack stepped in to cuff the guy. Only when Flack had dragged the guy away did he approach Jo.
"Were you purposely trying to break him in two?" he asked her.
Jo just turned to look at him, a look that said she wasn't in the mood for jokes.
"Answer the question?" he said, his tone telling her he wasn't in a joking mood either. "You've had the same attitude towards perp's all week." he said to her.
"So what?" she asked as she began walking away from him.
"So, if you keep trying to beat the hell out of them all then our cases are all going to go to hell too. How do you know that guy isn't going to try to claim police brutality?"
"Brutality is what he did to his victims. Believe me I wish I had shown him a taste of his own medicine." Jo said angrily.
She was about to take another step away from him but he grabbed her arm and stopped her, "Jo, what's going on with you? Is this about Beth?" he asked.
Jo looked at him and wanted to be angry with him for talking about Beth but the sheer concern for her on his face instantly brought tears to her eyes. "Beth doesn't want to see me Mac. She never wants to see me." she told him, taking a deep breath in order to keep her emotions under control.
"You need to talk to her." he said.
"I tried. She hates me, Mac. She blames me for every heinous thing that's happened in her life and she has every right to because I fully blame myself." Jo said.
He could see how upset she was. Although he felt truly sorry for her he knew she was putting herself in danger acting this way around perp's, so he did the best thing he could. "Take some days off, Jo."
"No, Mac!" she said sharply.
"Take some days to get your thoughts straight and start acting like the calm usual Jo you are. You're a danger to yourself like this." he said, genuinely concerned.
"Mac I don't want to take any days off."
"It's not a request, Jo." he told her.
She just nodded. She knew he was right and she knew he was just looking out for her. She appreciated it. She liked him looking out for her. "Fine." she said to him, unable not to smile slightly. "I'll remember this next time you're having a bad week." she said with a smile as she playfully prodded him in the shoulder.
"I'll hold you to that." he said with an equally as charming smile. "See you in a few days, Jo."
She waved her hand to him as she walked away from him. She was feeling hungry so decided she would make a start to her days off with some lunch.
~0~0~0~0~
Beth and Adam were sat in central park. They were finishing off their morning coffee before they both had to head off to work. It was the last place Beth wanted to go to. She hated it, but with her money problems only getting worse she had to take every shift she could get.
She was sat crossed legged on the bench facing Adam who was sat sideways so he could look at her as he spoke to her. Beth took hold of his arm and lifted it up so she could take a look at his watch. She growled in frustration when she realized it was almost time for her to head off to the diner. Adam laughed at her making her laugh too.
"It's okay for you," she said. "You actually like your job."
"Actually I love my job." he said.
"You're lucky." she said before she took a swig of her coffee.
"You remember the other night when you said how you wished you'd finished school?" he said.
She looked at him and nodded, it was a conversation they'd had whilst lying in each other's arm in bed.
"Well, I hope you don't mind but I got you this." he said as he passed her a leaflet.
She quickly glanced over it and looked up at him in confusion. "This is a timetable for a night school?" she said.
"I signed you up. It's a couple of nights a week so you can still work too." he said.
Beth looked at him and smiled, but as reality hit her she had to shake her head. "Adam, I wish I could do this, but I don't have the money to pay for this…I don't have any money to pay for anything. You bought the coffee remember?" she said, trying to laugh off her embarrassment.
"I paid the tuition fees already." he said.
She looked up at him and waited for the punch line. None came. He shuffled closer to her and took one of her hands in his. "I know you'll be good at this. Maybe then you can get a job that you actually like and that makes you happy." he said. "I don't mean to sound patronising when I say that…it's just that, well…I love you Beth. I wanna do everything I can to make you happy."
Beth looked at him, her eyes filling up with tears. "It will take me my whole life to pay you back." she said.
"Just promise to stay with me your whole life and we'll call it quits." he said with a smile.
Beth laughed and placed her hand on his face as she kissed him with all the love she felt for him. She pulled away and looked at him, "I love you so much." she told him.
Adam smiled and they both kissed again.
It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer and some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go
~0~0~0~0~
Jo had taken a seat and looked over the menu, not totally caring about that she ate, not even sure how hungry she was anymore. She looked up at the waitress and smiled before she checked over the menu again, "I'll have the Steak surprise pie." she said.
"Don't have the pie." she heard a familiar voice say. She turned to see Beth standing two tables down. Beth gave the other waitress a nod and they swapped tables. Beth slowly walked over and stood by Jo's table. "The surprise is actually just the lack of steak that's in the pie." she said a little sheepishly.
Jo smiled and nodded and asked, "What else would you suggest?"
"An apology…but that's on me."
Jo looked at her and said, "You don't have to apologize for anything."
"Yeah I do. I was so cruel to you the last time we spoke and it was just because I was hurting. I'd been made to be vulnerable and that's not something I like to be." she told her.
Jo understood. She could see why Beth would always have to appear strong and never vulnerable with the life she'd had. "Apology accepted." she said.
"Look, I finish in like ten minutes, you fancy going somewhere where the food is actually good?" Beth said.
Jo nodded and said, "I'd like that."
Beth smiled back at her, "10 minutes." she said, part of her fearing Jo might actually go without her and she wouldn't blame her after the way she had spoken to her last time they had been together.
~0~0~0~0~
To her surprise Jo was still sat at the table when she finished work, an empty coffee cup sat in front of her. She walked over to her, now changed out of the uniform that she hated with a passion. "You ready?" she asked Jo.
Jo nodded and got to her feet and together they left the diner.
TBC
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked this chapter. Please review.