Thanks much! Glad everyone has been staying with me on this! Lots of emotions and relationship stuff now coming your way…

Cal felt a pang inside but didn't say anything, sensing she wasn't done.

"I think the meaning is pretty clear." She sniffled and pushed a little closer. "Only thing is that the rest of it might imply that…um…that I'm afraid that I might push you away. But God, the nightmare is so awful. If that's what my subconscious is getting at, I wish it would find a kinder way."

"You're not gonna lose me." Cal pressed another kiss against her to accentuate the point, wishing there was more he could do to reassure her. He wasn't sure if she really had any idea how much she meant to him, how much and how long he'd wanted this. If he were a more vocal type, he'd shout it out for everyone to hear or pull a Julie Andrews on top on a mountain somewhere. Well. Maybe not that far but he might consider it with the proper amount of alcohol. "Especially now that I have a huge reason to keep myself from acting like a bleeding idiot."

Gillian digested that for a moment. "You mean you would take all those chances because…"

"I didn't have you." He meant it to sound nonchalant but it came out a little thick instead. "And I desperately wanted you. Didn't think it was possible though."

She moved to peer up at him and found that he wasn't looking at her. Instead his gaze was locked somewhere out the window but still not seeing where his eyes rested. "Why would you think that?"

They moved back to her, slightly surprised. "Obvious isn't it?"

"Not to me." She watched as he shifted uncomfortably. "And if you say that you're not good enough for me, I think I'm going to hit you right here and now."

Cal didn't offer anything, just stared at her.

"Well?"

"You just threatened to hurt me."

He was always able to get her mind off everything even if it meant slipping into self-deprecation mode. One of the many things she loved about him. Without another thought she pushed up and kissed him, which he instantly returned. She pulled away a moment later, watching as the tip of his tongue flicked out to grab her flavor from his lips. He was also an excellent kisser. Yet another thing on her list of reasons for loving him. There were a lot on the opposite list too but the positive outweighed the negative. "Don't I have a say as whether or not you're good enough for me?"

Tilting his head, he regarded her softly, eyes slightly sad. "You've got such a good heart Gillian and I worry that you might see me in a more positive light than you should."

"I think that after all these years I can distinguish between reality and looking at you through rose tinted glass. I know you're not perfect. You can be cruel and thoughtless at times…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Shhh! I'm not done." She was sitting upright, holding his eyes. "But I know the flipside too. I know the qualities that helped me fall in love with you and they far outweigh what makes you act like a douchebag."

Helped me fall in love with you. Holy crap. This was real. A moment later the other thing she said sunk in. "Did you just call me a douchebag?"

"Um, yeah. Sometimes you are."

"Fair enough. Just checkin'."

"Most importantly, you have to trust me to know my own mind."

"I do trust you."

"But not when it comes to my feelings toward you."

He was quiet for a moment, face crinkling slightly. "I wanna try."

Gillian let out a breath slowly. As she stared at him, her eyes began to cloud in dream-induced horror.

"Do you want to know what happens in the nightmare?" Her voice rose ever so slightly, shaking as she jumped the track, her brows arching upward.

Cal wasn't completely sure if he did want to know now but nodded slowly, finding the sudden shift slightly unnerving. "If you wanna tell me."

"In the dream it's not Finn that I killed." Her blue eyes were intense but she'd started to tremble. "It was you." The tears now overflowed as her trembling increased. "And Finn was there the whole time, making me look, making me acknowledge what I'd done. I killed you in the dream."

Her eyes dropped as her face began to crumble. "There was so much blood."

He didn't know what to say. He could only agree that her initial thoughts about the meaning were probably correct but the words didn't come. Instead he chose not to bother with them at all, instead wrapping his arms around her and pulling her snuggly against him. He held her as the tears of anger and sorrow erupted from her, her cries sudden, loud and anguished as everything poured out. He held her as her hands pulled at his shirt and accidentally popped a button off, his embrace just tightening. This was the outpouring of emotion she'd needed, earlier ones trivial by comparison. His arms stayed around her even as she thrashed and tried to pull away. No way he was letting her go. Not now. Not ever.

(BREAK)

He held her steadily until she was quiet and even after. The screams had slowly ebbed to sobs and then just raspy breaths. Several times he had to send concerned employees away after hearing tentative knocks at the door.

Now she'd just collapsed against him, emotionally and physically exhausted, seemingly pulling strength from the solidity of him. Cal didn't make a sound, just kept his arms around her, not caring that his shirt was awash in tears and snot. He'd determined that he was washable a long time ago when Emily had first thrown up on him as a baby.

"Sorry." Her voice was a croak.

"Don't be."

They were quiet again and he could feel her breath against his collarbone. He kissed the top of her head again, his heart breaking for her, but confident in her ability to come back from this.

Her phone suddenly went off, startling them both. "Think that might be your doc?" It was a low murmur.

"Maybe." With obvious reluctance, she pushed herself up and walked to her desk on shaky legs. He immediately stood, keeping a wary eye on her.

After Gillian's greeting, it became apparent that it was, in fact, Dr. Beck getting back to her. Cal let out a sigh of relief but he couldn't help but think the outburst had been cleansing for her. At least it was a solid start.

She disconnected just moments later and looked up at him, a tiny bit of embarrassment flickering through her.

"None of that luv."

"I shouldn't have…lost it like that."

"I think it was a good thing." He stepped close again but didn't touch her.

Her eyes fell to his shirt, frowning and scrunching up her face in disgust. She reached a hand out. "Look what I did."

"No worries. You know I'm not vain." Cal smiled warmly and she couldn't help but return it. He was right. It probably had been a good thing. She felt completely drained but a tiny part seemed cleansed.

"Thank you."

"You're very welcome darlin'. Wish I could do more."

She ran a gentle hand down the center of his chest, staring at the missing button. "The shirt's totally trashed."

"Didn't care all that much for it anyway." He took a half step forward, placing both hands against her cheeks. He smiled again. "I'll send you the bill." Leaning forward he softly kissed her lips. "Guess you have an appointment now?"

"She's squeezing me in."

"That's good. Need a ride?"

"Um, no, that's alright." He'd done enough and she was trying to keep from becoming too co-dependant.

Cal nodded, not contesting. "Okay luv. Whatever you need."

This time she leaned forward and kissed him. It was a trifle more insistent and he felt immediately warmth flooding through him before she pulled back. "Thank you again."

"Feel like coming by for dinner later?" The pads of his fingers trailed down her cheekbone as he tilted his head, watching closely.

"I'd…like that."

"6:30 ish?"

"That would be lovely."

His smile was warm as he brushed her lips with his once more.

(BREAK)

Cal had managed to avoid telling her about Bainbridge earlier but was certain that he wouldn't luck out again. She'd be over shortly and he was fairly certain she'd be more in control of her emotions.

He finished setting the table, opened a bottle of wine to allow it to breath and stepped back into the kitchen to check on the main course. Nothing too extravagant since he didn't have a whole lot of time to prepare but hopefully it should be good.

The doorbell rang several moments later as he steeled himself for her inevitable questions. Maybe she wouldn't remember. Right.

Pulling the door open, his eyes widened as breath eluded him. Gillian had changed clothes and she looked really good in the body hugging little black dress.

She smiled, coloring slightly under his startled gaze and open-mouthed gape. "Can I come in?"

"Uh…sure luv. Sorry…I…" He moved to the side to allow her entrance, still staring, promptly forgetting the rest of what he'd started to say. "You look beautiful Gill." At least that came out right.

"Thank you. Was tired of dressing so grungy the last few days."

"You could never be grungy." A wicked smile lit his features as he recovered. "But I have to say that I do like this better."

She beamed, enjoying this bit of power she held over him. "Wow. It smells good in here!" Stepping inside, her eyes quickly flitted around, automatically relaxing. His home always had a calming effect on her. All those warm tones, books and art worked wonders. Of course currently, he helped a lot too.

"Homemade lasagna. Was gonna bake somethin' with calories out the wazoo but didn't have time. Had to make a bakery run instead."

"You're spoiling me, you know that?"

Closing the door behind her, he gave a smirk. "Don't get too used to it. You know, spare the rod and all that."

"You've never believed that." She moved further into the living room and dropped her purse on the coffee table.

"No one has to know it though." Cal stepped close as she turned to face him. They stood barely two feet apart. "You doin' okay luv?" His tone went soft, his eyes moving from teasing back to concerned.

"Um…yeah…I'm actually doing okay right now."

"Good session?"

"It was but I also wanted to thank you again. All the blubbering in my office seems to have helped. At least I think so." She made a half step closer and could now smell his crisp aftershave. She had a quick image of burying her face against his neck to breath him in even more. "Not sure what I'm going to tell our staff tomorrow. Seeing…or rather…hearing one of the bosses become unglued can't be good for morale."

"That's a huge non-issue luv. They're perfectly aware of all the shit you went through."

"You went through it too, even though you act like you didn't. And don't give me the crap about not remembering."

"But I don't…at least I don't remember most of it. What I do remember is beyond unpleasant. Feel better?"

"A little. At least I wasn't completely alone."

His lips formed a single line as guilt nipped at him once again.

"No Cal. Don't go there." Gillian reached out and touched his chest. "Once again it wasn't your fault."

"Not completely at least." It was progress for him to admit even that much. It was just a matter of time before she pinned him down about the other issue bothering him.

"Cal?"

"Yeah luv?"

"Are you going to share?"

"What's that?" He felt a slight clenching inside. Would that tiny bit of information push her back again? Or would she take it, analyze it and let it go? Please let it be the latter.

"Earlier. Before I went to pieces, you were supposed to share something that's been nagging at you the last couple of days. I think it's definitely your turn now."

Cal regarded her quietly. "Guess that's true."

"You were hoping I'd forget."

"Kinda, yeah."

The buzzing of the oven timer had him taking a step back. "After dinner okay?"

"Promise?" Gillian seemed a little skeptical and he couldn't blame her.

"Yeah darlin'. I promise."