(A/N) Disclaimer? Never heard of it.

"That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. There's no such thing as a 69-tailed beast." Itachi argued.

Yoru wiggled her tongue suggestively, but the perverted gesture was lost on him.

"I beg to differ. Can't you just feel her enormous chakra, threatening to overcome us all with its power?" Pein reasoned calmly, not concerned at all by the absurdness of the idea he was proposing.

"If it's so big, why did it take us all so long to notice it?" Itachi wondered.

Yoru squealed and teetered back and forth on the balls of her feet.

Pein made a slicing motion across his neck. "Cut it out, Itachi." He hissed, "You aren't supposed to notice the glaring plot holes."

Itachi frowned at his leader's behavior, and pressed on. "And a horn dog…I've never heard of such a beast. What is a horn dog? What even is that?"

Itachi looked incredibly troubled by the whole situation. Since when was there a 69-tailed demon horn dog? He'd never heard of it before, and wasn't it his job to know about all the tailed beasts? Wasn't it? WASN'T IT? He just didn't know anymore.

Yoru was feeling a little dizzy from all of the slight sexual references they were unknowingly making.

"Honestly, I haven't got a clue. And if I don't know, it's probably not all that important."

"Yea, Tachi-koon." Yoru piped up sweetly, staring him straight in the eyes. "It's not impotent..."

"Oh. I suppose not. You are the leader, and we must not question your all-knowing knowledge of all that is to be known." Itachi went back to his previous, overly-agreeable self.

"butt weight aren't u guyz going 2 take the 69-tails out of meh?" Yoru looked at the two men nervously. Surely they would abandon their quest for world domination in favor of keeping darling Yoru alive?

"Fear not. Surely, we will abandon our quest for world domination in favor of keeping you alive, darling Yoru." Pein said automatically, as if he was reading her mind.

Kool so he can reed minds desu. Hi Pein-sama, your so fuckin smexxii and I lyke hidna too and also everyone else ever in the world with boy parts.

Pein blinked. "Thank you, you're quite smexxii yourself." He blinked again. "Wait—what in the…ugh. I'm going to go stare at the rain and ponder my miserable existence for a while. Don't bother me." And with that he disappeared.

Yoru stared at the place where he'd vanished from, gaping widely in a manner that was most unattractive. "wow. I didn't kno I had a 69-tailed demon inside me." Yoru nibbled on her lower lip, worried. She was so distressed she didn't even have the heart to make a 'that's what she said' joke. After all, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. Oh, she was supposed to have a demon sealed inside her, certainly, because what else gave her so much power in regards to plot-violation? Nothing. But it was supposed to be something cool, like a wolf or a dragon or a even bunny—something obscenely powerful, or at least cute. But a horn dog? It sounded like hot dog, the most un-kawaii food in the entire universe.

Why her? Why did it always have to be her, getting cursed with horrible, random-ass things? First her poor parents, then her relationship crisis, and now this.

"all dis stress is two much 4 me 2 handle rite now, Itachi-koon." She sighed, tilting her head at just the right angle so that the shadows would make her look pathetic and troubled and yet somehow sexy. There—perfect.

"I am the ideal distraction." Itachi informed her, producing a rose from thin air.

"stop being so romantic and polite and shizz. Its pissn me off I want 2 b treated lyke a reel wiminz." She snapped agitatedly. "why cant I find a good guy who will give me wut I need?" She started to cry, and dashed off blindly in some random direction, leaving a very confused Itachi standing alone in the hall.

As fate would have it, Yoru ran straight into Hidan, who was just standing in the center of the hallway.

"wut da fuck r u doing in da middle of da hallway you motherfucker?" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips and completely ignoring the fact that the man in front of her was more than capable of slicing her into tiny pieces.

"Oh, hell, I've been fucking waiting for your cunty ass to wander down here." Hidan chuckled darkly, and then cleared his throat. "Shall we proceed?"

"huh? Wut da fuck r u saying." Yoru sighed. She couldn't get a second alone, could she? Obviously she was pleased though, that he was paying attention to her. Oh, he was just so foul! Swoon.

"Ah, my bad. I meant, 'get on your fucking knees, you cunt-peeling whore.'" He insisted fiercely.

"oh yah you reealy kno how 2 talk 2 a lady." She sighed. Ah, now this was more like it.

She was about to put herself in a very compromising position, when an unappetizing gargle rang out from Hidan's stomach.

"da fuck?" She looked at the man quizzically.

"I'm fucking hungry." He realized, looking surprised. "And there's nothing even remotely carnal about it—I'm literally about to fucking starve to death."

"o kool. I can make u sum food. I kno ur faves becuz im ur biggest fan."

Hidan, being the blundering idiot that we all know him to be, saw nothing strange about this admission. "Right. Go make me a sandwich then. Now."

Yoru scampered off, all too happy to comply. Woohoo, yet another chance to prove her dominance over these males! They would all bow in awe of her mighty spatula.

"Wait! I forgot to mention—you're a fucking skank! You're a blow-jobbing bimbo! Your mother takes it in the-"

Luckily Yoru was too far away to hear the rest of his obnoxious outburst. Who knows what may have happened if she'd heard…she might have taken so much offense that she'd unwittingly unleash the 69-tailed beast! And that's not something anyone wants to see—not this early in the story, anyway. Relationships (particularly only sexual ones) are the glue (or any other sticky white substance) holding Yoru's story together, so they must be firmly established before anything plot-related can take place. Just in case the story should, I don't know, fall apart. Or something. Like an itch in an inappropriate location that you want to scratch but you can't because you are a respectable member of society, her relationships will always be there to provide embarrassment, discomfort, and general awkwardness.

Yoru wrinkled her nose. "shutup stop trying to tie up loose ends and add interest."

A dry erase marker came flying out of nowhere, but she dodged it gracefully because she's Yoru Uchiha and Uchihas are flawless gods who can do no wrong except for EVERYTHING IN CANON.

She reached the kitchen, and it was then that she realized she didn't actually know how to cook. You'd think that after spending her entire life fending for herself (albeit in the comfort of a large, comfy home), she'd have figured something out—spaghetti, scrambled eggs, toast—but no. She exclusively ate ramen, pocky, and Ben&Jerry's ice cream.

But our brave heroine would not let such a simple problem stop her! Who cares if she's never so much as touched an oven mitt? She was going to cook some steak, godammit. Never mind the fact that Hidan only wanted a sandwich; she was going to show her stuff by cooking an extravagant meal for everyone!

"i knew I shuld have been a shef." She grinned deviously, although the situation called for neither grins nor deviousness.

She got to work, turning the oven on to full heat—wouldn't want her slaves to get salmonella, would she? Of course, if they did, she could just whip out her medical degree, courtesy of . Oh, but she had forgotten her cute nurse's outfit at home…there goes that idea. Drat.

Next, she scavenged the kitchen for some steak. Why on earth she expected them to just have random steaks lying around the base is anyone's guess, but needless to say she did not find any.

"dats ok. i will substitute something else instead. just lyke emril-sama taught me."

Luckily, she was able to find some wrapped meat products in the freezer, hidden in the very back behind stacks of frozen carrots which had obviously never been touched.

"geronimo!" She cheered, thrusting the package in the air.

She unwrapped the meat, noticing that as she got closer to the inside of it, the slab of meat began to take on a rather odd shape. Sort of like an arm…hmm, that couldn't be right. She blinked nervously, and whimpered. No one came to her rescue, so she assumed it couldn't possibly be a threat. No sir, this meat was normal as could be. Everyone eats hamburger patties shaped like human arms.

All you seasoned (Get it? Cause she's cooking? Oh god.) readers have probably deduced by now the source of the meat. The resident freak/cannibal/plant-thing, Zetsu, who serves no other purpose than comic relief by leaving his snacks in awkward places (like the freezer, which is never ever used to preserve meat of any kind, duh). Although, it seems slightly suspect that he hasn't appeared at all in this story. I guess we can all assume that he's either out gardening, eating people for no reason, or engaging in sexual acts with some poor unsuspecting cactus.

Just like he always does.

Anyway, after she had decided to carry on with her meal plans, it was time for the real magic to happen. She tossed the unwrapped appendage into the oven, not even bothering with a pan. It would cook faster this way. Then she squatted down on her rather large haunches to watch the meat. Surely it wouldn't take too long.

10 minutes later, and that meat was still pink as a baby's butt. Or a deceased person's arm.

"grr. wut da fuck is takin so long." Really, was there something wrong with this oven? She got up and kicked it sharply. It responded by bursting into flames.

"dat's more lyke it." She smirked, as if she had planned for this to happen and wasn't currently needing a change of underwear.

She displayed her full intelligence by reaching into the flaming oven with her bare hands, and pulling out the meat. It was charred and crispy. "Perfect." She declared, setting the smoldering remains on the kitchen table.

"cum and eat, beotchezz!" She ordered loudly.

Everyone appeared instantly.

"This smells heavenly." Sasori complimented, completely disregarding the flames that were slowly spreading across the room.

"fanks boo." She chirped. "i made it myself."

Kakazu, however, was extremely distressed by the loss of the oven. "Nooooo!" He screeched, falling to his knees in front of the scorching mess. "That's 500 dollars I'll never get back! Even if I've never even heard of a dollar!"

Everyone ignored the man's mental breakdown, and sat down to eat.

"This is delicious. You're an amazing cook. I love to hand out compliments willy-nilly." Pein gabbed in-between mouthfuls.

"fanks, fanks." Yoru nodded humbly, blushing.

"That's so freaking adorable." Deidara sighed, drooling at the sight. he cleared his throat. "." He took a deep breath. "Phew. I think that makes up for all the times I've forgotten about my speech impediment. Just wanted to make sure I'm staying in character, you know."

"wuts wrong wit u. don't u know im wit itach-chan." She demanded, getting all flustered at his affections (and that sexy grunting noise).

"Yes, don't you see she is with me? We are obviously romantically involved, seeing as how we spend nearly every waking moment attached at the face." Itachi reasoned, turning his Mangekyou on because that's the only way he ever looks threatening.

Yoru had apparently forgotten her earlier boredom with him, because she flung herself in his general direction and began to smother him with love. The physical kind. The very, very physical kind.

"Not in front of everyone…" Itachi chose this moment to become very docile, a phenomenon which leaves all witnesses with a large amount of second-hand embarrassment.

Yoru, of course, thought it was cute. She had every intention of continuing, but the sound of Kakazu sobbing was a real turn-off. Actually, nothing could ever turn Yoru off. The noises were just really annoying and she didn't want to associate any future sexual acts with Kakazu's pathetic weeping.

"ill save it 4 l8r." She winked.

Everyone continued eating, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. After all, nothing had!

"w8. kisame put the fire out wit ur water powers." Yoru shouted, suddenly remembering that fire was dangerous, especially when it surrounded the table you were occupying.

"It seems like someone should have thought of this sooner. Someone other than you." Kisame noted, promptly vomiting up water and dousing the flames.

"wutever u hater."

The rest of the night passed with nothing too monumental taking place. Yoru took her rightful place as a woman by washing the dishes, and then carried out her duties as "baby container" by doing explicit things in a very public area with a certain Uchiha.

"oh no I didn't where a condom." Yoru lamented, throwing her hands in the air to illustrate her distress. "i hope i dont get pregnant!"

(A/N) Oh yes. I am going to bless them with a child. Hmm, what shall it be? A whiny little female, or a bouncing baby boy? Never mind science, how about both? We'll see what happens.

Also, thank you to Zoids Fanatic for reviewing :)

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day :D