6

She only had ten minutes until Alice would arrive.

That letter still made her cry.

21st April

Dear Mum,

I feel like I'm dead. No, it hurts too much for that. I want to die. No no no no no I don't mean that. Honestly I don't. If I write no enough times maybe I can take that back. I could just not send this. But I always send every letter- it makes it more like I'm talking to you.

Lov- NO. I have to keep writing, I can't stop here. I have to let it out, I can't close up any more.

I'm sorry I haven't written before. I suppose that was hard for you, because you need an owl with my letter to reply.

It's been a month now, since the funeral, and I'm still crying myself to sleep every night. I can't find it in me to care anymore if I beat Potter in Charms, or if I fail the Transfiguration test on Monday, or if I fail all my bloody OWLs. Nothing matters anymore.

I feel so guilty, like there should have been something I could do, because even after five and a half years of Hogwarts, I still believe, somewhere in me, that magic should be the answer to everything. I know that even magic can't stop cancer, but I still feel some inexplicable guilt in me.

If only I had written to him more often, instead of just writing to you. If only I had told him I loved him more, hugged him every day I was home, brought him breakfast in bed, whatever. But I can't.

He's gone forever. I'll never see him again; I'll never hear him call me Lilykins, never see him smile, or push me on the swing in the playground, or make me pancakes. I tried to go down to breakfast today, but it was pancakes. I saw them on the table and just ran. I didn't go to Transfiguration after that.

Writing this is making me cry even more. But I have to write it.

No one else can understand it; only you know how I'm feeling. If it's ripping my heart in two, it must be shredding yours like paper. I haven't spoken to anyone in a month. I don't answer questions in class, I don't talk to my friends, I don't sing in the shower. I'm not being deliberately useless- I just can't talk.

I didn't even tell my friends what was the matter when I first found out. They endured three days of silence before Alice found the letter you sent telling me he was dead. The whole school knows there's something wrong, but they don't know what it is. Whispers follow me everywhere in the corridor, like snakes. But I don't care. Normally I'd hate it; I'd hate being the centre of attention, the subject of everyone's gossip. But I don't care. I feel cut off from the world.

I want to talk to Tuney so badly, but after the funeral... she completely ignored me, Mum. She walked right past me without looking at me. She'd rather talk to Vernon than her own sister. She hates me. I always knew she was angry and jealous. But I never thought she could but up such a barrier against me that even Dad... leaving us... couldn't break it down.

I want my daddy back.

Love,

Lily

Repressing a sob, she gazed at the letter unseeingly. When she had been reading the letter, she had realised something. Earlier she had thought that Lily wouldn't want to be reminded of her father's death on her wedding day. But that was wrong- today of all days Lily would be thinking about her father constantly. After all, it was he who should be walking her down the aisle. Lily had politely refused Alice's father's offer to do it instead; she had decided that she would walk with her bridesmaids, leaving her father's space empty, "because he'll be there really. He wouldn't miss it for anything."

Even so, this letter was not right. It had been written exclusively for her eyes. But the next one, how about that?

28th April

Dear Mum,

I have finally spoken to my friends. Once I'd got over the wall I'd built, it was easy, just like you said. I said sorry for pushing them away, they said it was fine, they understood, we hugged each other and cried a lot, and then we were fine. It's much easier to cope when I've got them behind me. But perhaps it would surprise you to know that my friends weren't the first people I spoke to once I got your last letter. No, it was Potter.

I had taken your letter down to the lake to read it, because it sort of reminded me of all the times dad and I went fishing in the summer time. The daffodils were just ending, but there were still a few nearby. It smelled beautiful, the most wonderful spring smell ever.

Once I'd finished it, I just stared into the lake for a long time, so I didn't even notice him coming up behind me until James Potter sat down next to me. Neither of us said anything for a while. I didn't even look at, him, but I knew it was him. He smells of walnuts for some reason- I've never really plucked up the courage to ask him why. I suppose it is a bit of a personal question. But I always know if he's behind me, because he smells different to anyone else.

I think he was probably just going to sit there, so I said very abruptly, "My dad died." I don't know if he was surprised if I had talked first, because I was still looking at the lake. After a few seconds, he replied, "My dad died last year."

I was completely shocked. I hadn't noticed any change in his behaviour at all, and believe me, the amount of time he spent inflicting his company on me last year, I'm sure I would have noticed if he had been acting upset or withdrawn. Before I realised I was saying it, I blurted out, "I didn't realise."

"I only told Sirius, Peter and Remus," he answered. "I didn't let it show because... well, I didn't really want the attention. I mean, not that I think you're looking for attention, I just..." This surprised me even more. It seemed very uncharacteristic. But then, I suppose even Potter wouldn't be particularly keen on attention because his dad died. I nodded to show I understood.

"He was an auror. He was killed trying to catch Death eaters. They laid a trap, and he got caught by them. The auror office suspect that Lucius Malfoy was there. When I found out, I decide I wanted to be an auror as well. It felt like I had suddenly matured very fast, and I knew what I wanted to do," he told me.

"When I realised, I mean actually realised properly, that there was going to be a war, I decided to become an auror as well, to try and protect my family. But there was nothing I could have done; my dad died of a muggle disease called cancer." I had meant to say it matter of fact-ly, but I sounded so desolate. He didn't say anything; he just put his arms around me. It felt okay. Nice even.

I feel completely messed up. The idea, that James Potter could be so sensitive never occurred to me. I have always been proud of how I never judged people, especially slytherins, for what they are, but I have never had any reason to believe that my assessment of Potter as an insensitive, arrogant idiot was at all off the mark. But now he reveals that he has a heart. My life is a mess.

But once I had worked this out, something clicked inside me. He hadn't asked me out for ages; perhaps that was why. He had matured. I felt kind of sad; our childhood is slipping away from us.

We talked about our dads for ages, just random memories of them, and I told James about the pancake thing. I also told him about how I hadn't spoken to anyone, even Alice and Marlene, for a month. The old Potter would have made a massive deal over how I had talked to him first, and insinuated that it meant I fancied him (the thought that it might look like that never even crossed my mind at the time) but the new James just asked me quietly if I was going to talk to them now. I suppose he really has changed. I showed him your letter.

Anyway, we've agreed that we'll be friends now, because there's no real reason to go on being rivals. He said, "So you don't hate me anymore?" I told him I'd never hated him. I hadn't realised he actually thought that. I'd been irritated, infuriated, but I'd never hated him.

How life changes. People are still whispering, but even though I'm not numb any more, I still don't care. I'm above it all.

I love you Mum.

Love,

Lily

I love you too Lily, she thought.

So, comments and criticisms welcome as usual. This chapter's not as funny and light hearted as usual. I hope I managed to do it well enough, since it's a bit different to my normal style.