Chapter 3

The Chapter Where Nothing Happens

The seven STAR SPIRITS, who are now faded and ghost-like, descend down on MARIO and rain sparkles on him. It is really gay. Two of them go dangerously close to him. One has a bow and lipstick. The other has bushy eyebrows and a mustache. For the sake of convenience, they will be called FEMALE and MALE for the time being.

FEMALE: Thank heavens! He's injured, but he might recover!

MALE: Well, duh. He's made of paper. All he did was send him flying off a building.

FEMALE: Good point, BOWSER should have just killed him.

MALE: But he has the Star Rod! He's now mightier than Mario! It's hopeless!

STAR WITH BIGGER MUSTACHE: Calm down. As long as we keep it together, there's always hope! Let's try to revive him!

Sparkles and stuff form around MARIO.

STAR WITH BIGASS MUSTACHE: That's all we can do. Please get up…

OTHER STAR SPIRITS: Aw come on! We don't even get dialogue?

They leave.

Suddenly, a GOOMBA WITH A BOW comes in the screen.

BOW-WEARING GOOMBA: It sounds like something fell…who could that be? This red shirt, this hat, this mustache, this really looks like the one and only Mario!

THE PLAYER tries to get MARIO to jump on the GOOMBA, but nothing happens.

GOOMBA: It couldn't be…Mario! Come on, wake up! Up and at em! Oh no, he won't wake up!

She frantically runs around him, expecting something to happen. She then runs to her dad, Goompa, and Goombario (whoever that is). The screen fades to black again, this time with an outline of Mario's head. Mario is now lying down IN MIDAIR ON A BLACK SCREEN. That dude with the BIGASS MUSTACHE appears again, despite disappearing just minutes ago.

BIG MUSTACHED STAR: Mario, can you hear me? My name is Eldstar. I have something important to tell you. Of course, I could have just told you the first time we met, and you probably can't hear me, but it's about the princess and Mushroom Kingdom. I don't have the strength to talk to you here, but here I am still talking to you. Come to the Shooting Star Summit and we'll be waiting for you.

He leaves yet again.

It turns out that MARIO is in a bed. The room has a Toad poster, and some other crap no one cares about. Then TOAD comes in.

TOAD: Mario! I'm so happy to see you awake! You haven't opened your eyes for days! We were all worried!

MARIO: To be honest, I'm more surprised that fire didn't burn me to shreds. Say, what is this place?

TOAD: It's Goomba Village, a tiny village just west of Toad Town. The only residents are me and a family of Goombas.

MARIO: So there is more than one Toad…WAIT, DID YOU JUST SAY GOOMBA VILLAGE? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SQUISH THEM?

TOAD: The Goombas are just about the nicest folk you'll ever meet! They found you in the forest and took you here to get better.

MARIO: You mean they were planning to ambush me? By the way, did you see a star with a mustache? It told me to go to Shooting Star Summit.

TOAD: I think you've had way too many Shrooms. Or maybe it was a message from a Star Spirit. They live in Star Haven.

MARIO: I thought it was called Shooting Star Summit.

TOAD: Shooting Star Summit is the nearest place to Star Haven. I'm glad you're all better, the Goombas would be so happy if you paid them a visit!

MARIO quickly goes out of the room….which turns out to be a house. He sees a GOOMBA with a blue hat and two visible bottom teeth.

GOOMBA: Hey Mario! I'm Goombario! I'm your biggest fan!

MARIO: I crush your species for a living, and you're my biggest fan?

GOOMBARIO: You don't know what this means for me to meet you! Seriously!

MARIO: That didn't answer my question…

MARIO leaves to find a floating rainbow block with an S on it. It's a Save Block.

MARIO: Oh thank God for saving, I don't want to go through this shit all over again.

He sees a mustached GOOMBA in front of the gate.

MUSTACHED GOOMBA: You're up? Feel free to rest in-

MARIO: Sorry I gotta leave right now.

MUSTACHED GOOMBA: Shooting Star Summit, something important, no doubt. Well, you'll have to wait, that earthquake the other day did a number on it. I must fix this gate.

MARIO tries to jump over the fence, but it's just a little higher than he can jump. He goes inside the biggest house he sees, and then into the veranda. He sees an OLD GOOMBA on a block thing.

OLD GOOMBA: Call me Goompa. I'm the Goomba grandfather, so…I'm Goompa

MARIO: That's…creative.

GOOMPA: Give me the details later, I'm fixing the veranda.

MARIO goes out of the house, and sees GOOMBARIO.

MARIO: …Are you blushing?

GOOMBARIO: That's just how I'm designed. My dad was looking for you. He finished fixing the gate. Now you can travel.

MARIO reached the gate and talks to the GOOMBA who fixed it. He turns out to be GOOMBARIO's dad.

GOOMBA DAD: If you keep going, you'll reach Toad Town, home of Princess Peach's Castle.

MARIO: So that's where all the Toads came from…Super Mario 64 makes a little sense now!

GOOMBA DAD: Too bad you can't stay, I feel like I just met you.

MARIO: That's because we DID just meet.

GOOMBA WITH A BOW: Best of luck, Mario.

A VOICE: Hee! Yee hee hee!

The voice turns out to be the MAGIKOOPA from earlier, who flies over the gate for some reason.

MARIO: That was weird. Let'sa go! Wait, I'm the only person going.

The MAGIKOOPA flies back to the other side, and then stops behind it.

MAGIKOOPA: My instincts were right! I can't believe you're on your feet after taking such a beating from King Bowser!

GOOMBA WEARING BOW: What's that weird flying thing, Daddy?

MAGIKOOPA: I am a beautiful Koopa with a beautiful name: Kammy Koopa!

MARIO: Standards for beauty sure have lowered since I woke up.

KAMMY KOOPA: Hear this! It is useless for you to try and save Peach! Ridiculous! Laughable! As you have seen, King Bowser is more powerful than even you can deal with!

MARIO: And you're trying to prevent me getting to him because…

KAMMY: This is a gift from him!

She summons a giant block with two small ovals that look like eyes, and drops it down on the gate, somehow causing an earthquake that sends MARIO, BOW WEARING GOOMBA, and GOOMBA DAD jumping!

KAMMY: You will kneel and weep when you see the wonderful changes King Bowser's made!

MARIO: How am I supposed to see them if you're blocking my way?

KAMMY: Your world is ours now!

She flies away.

GOOMBA DAD: I just now fixed that gate. Nobody say "gate" to me. Kammy Koopa, that fiend! Did you hear what she said about the princess? It didn't sound good. I hope nothing's happened to her.

MARIO puts his hand to his head.

GOOMBA DAD: Bowser went and kidnapped Princess Peach again?

MARIO: You seem genuinely surprised.

GOOMBA DAD: And now you have to get to the Summit? This could be a problem…Here's an idea! Maybe we can break this block with Goompa's big Hammer!

MARIO: The word "Hammer" is capitalized…RPGs usually capitalize items that you interact with. Which means I'll be using the hammer sometime…PERFECT! I never thought I'd be allowed to use a weapon! Let's get this plot moving!

MARIO rushes to the veranda…which is GONE! He falls and sways to the ground, but you didn't expect that to kill him, did you? In one second, he gets up. He goes to GOOMPA.

GOOMPA: Oh my back…there was a crashing noise, and then the veranda collapsed, and I fell.

MARIO: How did you even survive?

GOOMBA shows MARIO yet ANOTHER BLOCK.

MARIO: I'm not going to ask how that's happened.

After some more talking, MARIO goes to the left. He sees a yellow ? block, but jumping on it does nothing.

GOOMPA: It's gotta be here somewhere! It looks just like this.

THE PLAYER finds out it's a wooden hammer.

MARIO: How did you do that just now?

GOOMPA: Do what?

MARIO: Never mind.

He finds the HAMMER in some bushes. Some epic music starts to play. He finds out you can hit trees with it to make stuff fall out, and also hit blocks, including the big ones in the way. He finds a bunch of coins, and also a dolly that looks like PEACH. MARIO makes out with it for a while before heading back home. GOOMPA rushes through the pathway, before uttering out a "YOUCH!" He gets knocked back towards MARIO. A TROOPA with eggshell pieces for a helmet and a diaper appears.

BABY TROOPA: Who are you guys? This is my playground!

MARIO: This shithole is your playground?

BABY TROOPA: Nobody sets foot in here without my permission! Prepare to start crying at the feet of Master Jr. Troopa!

The screen fades to black with the outline of a star, and the chapter ends.