Chapter 4
Fighting Omelet Troopa and Some Other Crap (Literally)
And so the battle begins…with a surprisingly catchy theme.
GOOMPA: Mario, this is Jr. Troopa. He's the boss of this neighborhood gang. A bit of a bully, obviously.
MARIO: What neighborhood gang? I don't see anyone else here. Unless you're referring to THESE!
MARIO then takes scrambled eggs out of his pocket…and eats them!
JR. TROOPA: Very funny!
GOOMPA: Moving on. He's more bark than bite. You can beat him easily. Just boost yourself up and don't take any lip from him! I'll just sit here and watch you in a creepy way.
MARIO: I don't know what you mean by "boost myself up", seeing as I have no items or abilities that can do that, at least not yet.
MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.
GOOMPA: Nice move!
JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. Both do 1 damage to each other.
MARIO: Oh come on! You couldn't be more original?
MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA. JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. Both do 1 damage to each other. MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.
JR. TROOPA: Screw this; I'm just getting warmed up!
JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.
GOOMPA: You've almost got him! Keep it up!
JR. TROOPA: You asked for it! Time for my ULTIMATE HYPER BURST ULTRA SPECIAL ATTACK OF DOOOOM! FULL POWER!
A pink aura circle glows around him and disappears, and then he jumps on MARIO. It does….2 damage.
MARIO: Your super attack is one hit point more powerful than your regular attack?
GOOMPA: Told you he was all bark.
MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA once more. JR. TROOPA spins around a few more times before falling down. Surprisingly, he doesn't crack. This turned out to be a fixed battle. MARIO gets 20 Star Points!
GOOMPA: You get those every time you beat an enemy. When you save 100, you go up a level. They're basically Experience Points.
MARIO: Not sure how I'm going to carry all of this, but whatever. If I pound this guy about 500 times, I'll be on level 100, right? Surely, there must be a bunch of enemies similar to him.
GOOMPA: That's not really how it works…
JR. TROOPA: I was winning! I'll be back, Mario!
JR. TROOPA runs away, and MARIO smashes his way through a bunch of blocks and finds a Fire Flower. He then continues on, and as he goes further, GOOMPA gives him advice.
GOOMPA: Heads up, Mario! I see bad Goombas ahead! They're loyal to Bowser! If they see you' they'll attack you without hesitation!
MARIO: No shit, Gramps. Tell me something that's actually useful.
GOOMPA: If you jump or hammer an enemy in the field, you will get a First Strike.
MARIO: Thank you. Wait a minute, why are you telling me all of this?
GOOMPA: Because the world isn't all black and white.
MARIO: Whatever.
WILL MARIO EVER GET A FIRST STRIKE? OR WILL THE WEAK ENEMIES KEEP ATTACKING HIM FIRST? FIND OUT BY SCROLLING DOWN!
MARIO jumps until he gets a First Strike on a GOOMBA. The music used is AWESOME.
MARIO: Wow, the Goombas have better music than any of the past bosses. This oughta be entertaining. HAMMER TIME!
MARIO finishes it off with his Hammer, which does about much damage as Jr. Troopa's standard attack. He gets about as many Star Points as Jr. Troopa's ultimate attack does. As he's getting Star Points, a catchy jungle plays. MARIO looks at the screen, wags his finger, and tips his hat.
GOOMPA: So why didn't you use it earlier?
MARIO: Didn't wanna get eggs all over my Hammer.
Back on the battlefield, MARIO makes the mistake of jumping on a SPIKED GOOMBA, and loses 1 HP.
GOOMPA: This is a Spiked Goomba. See the spike on his head? Be careful not to jump on him. You'll definitely get hurt.
MARIO: Hey, thanks. You know when that would have been useful? A FEW SECONDS AGO. That aside, that's a very creative name.
It takes two hits from the Hammer to beat him. He gets 3 Star Points. The next enemy MARIO sees is a GOOMBA…with wings.
MARIO: Don't tell me, its wings will tickle me if I jump on it?
GOOMPA: I don't know what you're talking about.
MARIO: Good.
MARIO jumps on the PARAGOOMBA. In the battlefield, there are two of them.
MARIO: What the hell, where did that other one come from? Two against one isn't fair! Then again, I have 10 HP.
GOOMPA: This is an RPG, you know. Just be glad there aren't any random encounters.
The PARAGOOMBA that MARIO jumped on loses its wings.
MARIO: Sweet, you're nothing.
GOOMPA: Listen up, Mario. The enemy's flying. Your Hammer won't be able to reach enemies in the air. To attack airborne enemies, use a Jump attack.
MARIO: Isn't that what I just did?
GOOMPA: You can jump over one enemy to attack one behind it. This is good advice. Remember it!
MARIO jumps on the other WINGED GOOMBA, which makes its wings fall off. The GOOMBAS attack him with a jumping headbutt.
MARIO: AW COME ON! Have some originality, will ya?
MARIO kills the one in front. The other one attacks him. MARIO kills it too. He gains 6 Star Points. He finds a Star Piece before heading back to the village. GOOMPA opens the gate that is in the way. He meets up with GOOMBARIA and GOOMBARIO. They have a family reunion before GOOMPA finally decides to go into the house and give him something.
GOOMBARIO: That's the dolly my sister lost…will you give it back to her?
MARIO: Sure, let me just make out with it for a few minutes.
A few minutes later…
MARIO: Alright, here's your now HIV/AIDS infected doll.
GOOMBARIA gives him a Star Piece.
GOOMBARIO: You always beat up your enemies, do you work out? I study self-defense by reading books from the masters and listening to Dad and Goompa. Look at my big muscles!
GOOMBARIA: Yeah, his head is as hard as a rock now! Tee hee! When he does his (unoriginal) Headbonk move, it really hurts!
GOOMBARIO: Oh be quiet, Goombaria! You're embarrassing me! Of course, it is true..
MARIO: Pfft, that's nothing. I can crush bricks with my head.
GOOMBARIO: I suppose I can't beat that.
GOOMPA: Sorry to have kept you waiting.
MARIO: What did you do in there, take a-
GOOMBARIO: It's okay! We were just rapping with Mario!
MARIO: But we weren't-
GOOMPA gives MARIO the Power Jump Badge, which looks like a boot with spikes on the bottom.
MARIO: So I can jump on Spiked Goombas now?
GOOMPA: No. But equip it anyway.
MARIO: But won't this poke a hole in me?
GOOMPA: Just do it.
MARIO wears the badge, which surprisingly doesn't poke him.
MARIO: I should have guessed; Bowser's fire didn't burn me to a crisp before. Detective Mario on the double!
GOOMPA: Do you need a tutorial?
MARIO: NO. What is it with tutorials? Have we really gotten stupider?
GOOMPA tells him about Flower Points and the Heart Block, which restore both HP and FP.
MARIO: What about Flower Blocks? This doesn't seem right.
GOOMPA: Are you questioning me? Anyway, I heard you're going to rescue Peach.
GOOMBARIO: Oh yeah! Mario can beat Bowser with one hand tied around his back!
GOOMBARIA: Then why didn't he do it in the first place?
GOOMPA: Hush, Goombario. Mario, take this hammer. I would accompany you, but I'm old now.
GOOMBARIO: You're so lucky!
GOOMPA: Mario, you're stuck with him now. Good luck travelling with a fanboy.
GOOMBARIO: Really? YES! OH YES! You won't regret this! YEEEES!
GOOMPA: Did you just have one? Anyway, I'm going back to the house to take a nap.
MARIO goes to the TOAD HOUSE, takes a rest (which restores all of his stats), and heads out with GOOMBARIO.
GOOMBARIO: There's lots of bad Goombas around these parts.
MARIO: …No comment.
He sees a sign that says "Beware of Goombas!", and also has a picture of one. The GOOMBA pops RIGHT OUT OF THE SIGN and goes after him.
MARIO: OMGWTF-
It attacks him.
MARIO: Well, might as well get this over with.
GOOMBARIO TATTLES on it.
GOOMBARIO: This is a Goomba. Goombas are what you'd call "small fries." Actually, they're pretty much the smallest fries. ...Hey, wait! I'm one of 'em! Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 1, Defense Power: 0. You can jump on them or whack 'em with the Hammer. These guys are old school. They've been around since you were in Super Mario Bros.!
MARIO: Shut up.
He kills it, but then encounters a SPIKED GOOMBA, which GOOMBARIO TATTLES on.
GOOMBARIO: This is a Spiked Goomba. Spiked Goombas are Goombas with spikes on their heads. Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 2, Defense Power: 0. Whatever you do, don't jump on their spikes or you'll get hurt or even paralyzed!
MARIO: Gee, thanks for telling me something I know.
He kills that too, and then jumps on a PARAGOOMBA.
GOOMBARIO: This is a Paragoomba. Obviously, Paragoombas are Goombas with wings. Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 1, Defense Power: 0. You can't hit 'em with the Hammer while they're airborne. If you damage 'em, they'll fall to the ground and become ordinary Goombas.
MARIO: No shit. Tell me something useful for once in your life. Well, my life, anyway. You know, since you aren't going to live very long if you keep this up.
He owns it, along with everything else in the way. He sees another sign that says "Eat a Mushroom to regain your energy! When HP gets low, eat a Mushroom with (C-Stick Left)", with a picture of a Mushroom. Just like the GOOMBA, it pops out, and MARIO takes it.
GOOMBARIO: These items must be like pop-up pictures in a book.
In a block, MARIO finds the Close Call Badge, which makes enemies sometimes fail to attack when MARIO is in Danger.
MARIO: Not sure how it fits in there, but okay, this should be useful.
MARIO equips it. Both of his badges cost 1 BP (Badge Point), so now he has just 1 BP left.
MARIO: I wonder how many badges I can wear at once.
GOOMBARIO: Did you know…that there are good Goombas and bad Goombas? A bad Goomba will try to pick a fight with us when it sees us.
MARIO: WOW, REALLY? I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT! You're worse than your gramps; you're always stating the obvious. You've said literally nothing that I didn't figure out a couple of hours ago. In fact, you told me there were bad Goombas around here no more than a few minutes ago. What did you think the bad Goombas were doing before? Did you get brain damage from all of those Headbonks you did?
They kill a bunch more stuff, use a Heart Block, and keep going. MARIO is about to jump on a spring when he hears a voice.
VOICE: Hey hey! Hold it right there! You! Yeah you, suspicious guy! Don't move!
MARIO puts his hand to his hat, probably because he doesn't care.
MARIO: I'm moving. What are you gonna do about it?
The voice turns out to be a RED GOOMBA and a BLUE GOOMBA.
RED GOOMBA: You can't move past here! It's a direct order from the Goomba King!
MARIO: So who is this Goomba King? A yellow Goomba?
RED GOOMBA: The only way is through us. I'm Red Goomba, and this is Blue Goomba.
MARIO: Does everyone state the obvious around here?
GOOMBARIO: You get used to it after a while.
RED: Let's get him!
BLUE: Yeah! Let's get him, my red brother!
Their attacks are…headbonks that take out 1 HP, just like the other GOOMBAS. Oh, and they have more HP. MARIO beats the BLUE GOOMBA.
RED: BLUE! BLUE GOOMBA! Gah! My little brother! You'll pay for that, Mario!
RED attacks him.
MARIO: You don't even have an ultimate attack? This is painfully easy.
They wreck BLUE and gain 20 Star Points. They run away like babies. The GOOMBAS, I mean. They are seen heading inside a castle, whining.
GOOMBARIO: I'm pretty sure there used to be a bridge on the other side. I wonder what happened to it.
The GOOMBA KING and the colored GOOMBAS appear on top of the castle walls.
GOOMBA KING: So, it's true, you defeated them. Unfortunately, this is as far as you'll ever go.
RED: Not one step! You scared, little man?
BLUE: You wanna say you're sorry?
GOOMBARIO: That GOOMBA KING is on steroids, he's HUGE! I'm sure he's no match for you!
The three of them jump down in front of them.
MARIO: Wait, you couldn't just use the door?
A new theme plays as they engage in battle.
GOOMBARIO: Hey, Mario! I think we oughta take out the Goomba Bros. first, don't you think?
MARIO: What is this, the Goomba version of Super Mario Bros.? Next you'll be telling me there's a group of people called the Koopa Bros.!
There is a bandage on a GOOMNUT TREE, for some reason. MARIO hits it with his hammer, and a Goomnut falls on all of them, inflicting 3 damage. The GOOMBA BROS. faint. GOOMBARIO headbonks him. GOOMBA KING jumps and shakes the tree, and Goomnuts fall on MARIO, taking out 2 HP.
MARIO: Strange, that's one less HP than we did to you.
GOOMBARIO: Now aren't you stating the obvious.
MARIO: Shut up.
The two of them attack. GOOMBA KING spins around and kicks MARIO, taking out…1 HP.
They beat GOOMBA KING and earn 30 Star Points, and now they have enough for a LEVEL UP!
The choices of stats to level up are HP (+5), FP (+5), and BP (+3).
MARIO: Hmmm, what should I choose?
WILL MARIO EVER DECIDE? OR WILL HE BE STUCK HERE FOREVER? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPIC CHAPTER OF...PAPER MARIO!
Rated E for Everyone.