Sorry for delay. Dial-up was worse than usual.
Chapter 5.5
The Chapter You've All Been Waiting For
The answers you've all been waiting for will finally arrive! Why does Luigi know so much about everything and everybody? Stay tuned and find out in this chapt—
APRIL FOOLS!
This chapter begins with a hovering white glove picking MARIO up from a treasure chest and dropping him on a desk. The glove organizes stuff and drops YOSHI, before counting down from 3.
YOSHI (in thoughts): Okay, this is creepy.
MARIO (also in thoughts): I...seem to be an action figure. I guess it's an improvement from being flat. Wait, how did I get here from Paper Mario?
The glove snaps its fingers, and MARIO automatically assumes a fighting pose as the desk turns into a battlefield. The intro shows some character introductions and awesome scenes before showing MARIO and KIRBY facing off.
MARIO: Okay, this is weird. Is this some sort of crossover?
Both of them jump into the air and collide their attacks, followed by PIKACHU and LINK (whose sword manages not to slash PIKACHU's body, then FOX and SAMUS (both of whom could have used lasers or something), and lastly, YOSHI and DONKEY KONG (who is much bigger).
MARIO: Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't any of us use our trademark attacks?
MYSTERY VOICE: Production values, man. Just go with the flow.
A brief glimpse of four "secret" characters is then seen.
MARIO: That looked like-a Luigi!
MYSTERY VOICE: Shh, don't tell the players.
A fiery circle is cut unevenly into four pieces before turning plain red, and a fiery background with the game title emerges.
MYSTERY VOICE: SUUUUPEEEEEER SMAAAAAAAAAAAAASH BROOTHEEEERS!
PLAYERS: MY EARS!
After going through the menu, MARIO arrives at Hyrule Castle.
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS LINK!
MARIO: Awesome! I get to fight Link! One stock? Har, har, very funny.
MARIO and LINK fight for a while before a STARMAN appears. LINK grabs it...
MARIO: Oh shit...
And falls off the stage.
MARIO: Whew! So, what are points for exactly? No answers? Fine.
Next, he goes against a team of 18 Yoshis. Thankfully, he only has to fight three at once.
MARIO: You wouldn't hurt me...would you?
A GREEN YOSHI throws an egg at him.
GREEN YOSHI: This is for always sacrificing me to jump higher!
MARIO: What are you talking about?
BLUE YOSHI sends him flying off the stage, but he recovers.
BLUE YOSHI: Oh, now that we're fighting you, you can recover just fine, yet you couldn't recover without sacrificing us?
MARIO: This is ridiculous...
MARIO fights off all of them, who get sent flying off screen in one hit.
MARIO: ...ly easy.
ANNOUCER: VERSUS FOX MCCLOUD!
MARIO: ...Oh shit.
ANNOUNCER: 3...
MARIO: Look, I'm-a not supposed to be here. I should be in-a Paper Mario.
ANNOUNCER: 2...
FOX readies his blaster.
ANNOUNCER: 1...
MARIO: Okay, I'll just jump and...
ANNOUNCER: GO!
FOX shoots his laser, but MARIO narrowly dodges it and throws out a fireball, before FOX reflects it back at him. FOX then proceeds to wreck him.
MARIO: This can't be the end...my life is flashing before my eyes...I remember saving Peach dozens of times...playing sports with my friends...being paper...and...I'm falling...
A spotlight appears before him as he stops falling. The screen lights up, and he appears to be in a room with a random box behind him.
ANNOUNCER: CONTINUE?
MARIO: A second chance? All right!
He hovers in the air and takes a fighting pose.
FOX: So you're back. Hey, where are you going?
FOX chases after MARIO on the edge of the stage.
MARIO: Wait for it...wait for it...
He grabs FOX and throws him off the stage.
FOX: FI-YAAAAH!
FOX launches himself...away from the stage.
ANNOUNCER: GAME!
MARIO: Fine with me.
ANNOUNCER: BREAK THE TARGETS!
MARIO: Is this a test or something?
MARIO breaks all of the targets while jumping on some random platforms.
ANNOUNCER: COMPLETE!
MARIO: That's not much of an accomplishment.
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS MARIO BROS.!
MARIO: What?
LINK appears beside MARIO.
MARIO: So you forgive me for kicking your—
LINK shushes him.
MARIO and LINK fight LUIGI and a MARIO RECOLOR.
MARIO: Luigi! Do you really think that's me?
LINK throws a POKE BALL and out comes SNORLAX, who rises in the air and sends the opponents flying!
MARIO: Wait, why wasn't I squished? I was in front of it.
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS GIANT DONKEY KONG!
MARIO: ...
His allies are JIGGLYPUFF...and a normal-sized DK.
MARIO jumps under giant DK and attacks him, while his allies just stand there hitting thin air.
MARIO: I hope all of you get donkey punched.
Giant DK manages to fall off the stage.
DK: Haha, what a dummy!
JIGGLYPUFF: WE DID IT!
MARIO: No, he just killed himself out of sheer idiocy.
ANNOUNCER: BOARD THE PLATFORMS!
MARIO has to jump on some platforms and turn the red lights blue.
MARIO: How does this work exactly? I can't change the color by hitting it, but jumping on it changes it?
There's an area with three platforms sinking and rising through it.
MARIO: If I just jump on here and wai—AAH! LAVA! That didn't even look like lava!
After getting over the initial shock, MARIO beats the level.
ANNOUNCER: COMPLETE!
MARIO: I wonder what's next. Maybe I have to go through the first level of Super Mario Bros. with better graphics!
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS KIRBY TEAM!
MARIO: There are only 8 of them? This will be easy.
They turn out to be MUCH harder than the YOSHI team. MARIO wins, but not without 140% damage.
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS SAMUS ARAN!
MARIO: This is your idea of a challenge, after 8 Kirbys?
MARIO and SAMUS fight each other for a bit before MARIO gets her off the stage. Unfortunately, the acid helps her recover. A STARMAN falls on SAMUS, and the next time she falls, she loses.
MARIO: What a way to go.
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS METAL MARIO!
MARIO: First a recolor, then metal me. What other variation of myself will I have to fight next? Fire Mario? Wingcap Mario? Star Mario? Raccoon Mario?
METAL MARIO spins around and hits MARIO, who kicks him. MARIO uses all of the good items he can get.
MARIO: Get...off...the...stage...
MARIO: Snorlax, I choose you!
GOLDEEN comes out as METAL MARIO creeps closer to MARIO.
MARIO: God dammit.
A BOB-OMB appears, but METAL MARIO gets it. He gets closer and closer to MARIO, who hangs onto the ledge. METAL MARIO throws the BOB-OMB, but misses. He then jumps down to hit MARIO, and he does, but then he falls down and loses the match.
ANNOUNCER: GAME!
MARIO: That was a close one!
ANNOUNCER: RACE TO THE FINISH!
MARIO: All I really have to do is avoid these weak enemies and drop down to lower levels, and then get to the light at the end of the tunnel...I wonder where this'll lead...hopefully back to Paper Mario...
A few seconds later...
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS A BUNCH OF JAGGED CREATURES, UHM, I MEAN, FIGHTING POLYGON TEAM!
MARIO: If they're anything like the Kirby team, I'm doomed...30 of them? Really? Wow, the announcer was right, they ARE edgy. And people say Kirby's sharp. Wait a minute, why do they all look like sharper versions of people I know? Ugh, not even ten of them defeated and already I'm at 111%. Oh, cool, a barrel. Wonder what's in there?
A HEART CONTAINER comes out and MARIO eats it.
MARIO: Okay, where's my extra stock?
One of them knocks him over and grabs a nearby wand. MARIO recovers and gets hit by it.
MARIO: Stop taking all of the good items!
A Poke Ball appears, and another one of them throws it.
MARIO: Please be Goldeen...please be Goldeen...
CHARIZARD flames him repeatedly as he desperately tries to avoid it. Soon enough, it disappears. MARIO then picks up a hammer and kills everything he gets in contact with.
MARIO: A fan, awesome!
The fan sucks in three of the enemies before MARIO sends them off the stage. Soon, there are only two of them left. One of them kills itself, but the other one hovers in the air for no apparent reason. A BOB-OMB appears, and both of them race to it. The opponent lands and picks it up and throws it down, sending both of them flying.
MARIO: YOU IDIOT!
The FIGHTING POLYGON is the first to die, so MARIO wins.
MARIO: Phew! Now I can go back to—
ANNOUNCER: VERSUS MASTER HAND!
MARIO: Who was that again? Trying to remember...
?: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's the giant floating hand from the intro!
MARIO: ...Gulp.
It uses its two fingers to walk across the stage and then pluck MARIO. MARIO hits it, but it swats him away.
MARIO: Must...recover...
He does, but MASTER HAND points its two fingers at him and hits him with a bullet.
MARIO: Come on, items, appear...
MASTER HAND tries to squish him from the air, but he dodges.
MARIO: I'm-a getting the hang of this.
MARIO manages to attack it a few times while dodging its attacks. Unfortunately, MASTER HAND grabs him and shakes him a little.
MARIO: WAAAAH! I...am not...your...dil—WHOA!
MASTER HAND uses a ROCKET PUNCH, which MARIO barely manages to dodge. After a few minutes, MASTER HAND explodes and the whole screen turns white. It is AWESOME.
MARIO is last seen on the desk.
MARIO: That took a lot out...does this pipe lead me back to...ugh...
The screen turns white again, and the credits play. THE PLAYERS shoot all of the names on it.
PLAYERS: This is for making the Fighting Polygon Team! THIS is for Giant Donkey Kong! I don't know who you are, but this is for Kirby Team! This is for having an intro that has very little to do with the game! Whoever voiced the announcer, you deserved to get shot!
After the credits, the players are treated to an picture showing Mario holding up a "No 1!" flag with the words "You are great!" at the bottom.
THE PLAYERS: That's it?
WARNING: CHALLENGER APPROACHING!
THE PLAYERS: Awesome! I wonder who it is!
The End?
Who is the challenger approaching? Who knows? Who cares? How does Luigi know so much? Stay tuned for the NEXT chapter! Seriously!
...It's just now occurred to me that this chapter (not including the Author's Notes) has 1999 words...and 1999 is the year this game came out...GASP! CONSPIRACY!