I know I don't know you, but I want you so bad. Everyone has a secret, but can they keep it, oh no they can't. I'm driving fast now; don't think I know how to go slow. Where you at now? I feel around. There you are. – Maroon 5, Secret
She was back. Rose closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, the familiar smell whooshing into her lungs and triggering an ocean of memories that flashed beneath her eyelids like a disjointed film. She was back.
"Hello," she said aloud although the space was empty. "I missed you," she added. There was a thrum in the grating beneath her feet, so subtle that most people would never have perceived it. Rose Tyler was not most people.
"Miss me too, do you?" She walked over and let her fingers dance across the buttons and levers, objects that were so recognizable to her, and yet so foreign. She never did quite get the hang of flying this incredible ship, no matter how patiently the Doctor had tried to instruct her. Or not so patiently. She smiled faintly at the memory of him, standing behind her in this very spot, hands on his head, fingers digging into his hair, his voice strained and loud as he lamented that she was sending them hurtling into the dark ages.
"No, Rose, twist the knob twenty-five degrees." She grasped the metal button and turned and the Doctor went flying, catching himself on the console next to her, his long body sprawled against hers. "Over rotation!" He shouted. "That was at least twenty-seven degrees!"
"Sorry, sorry!" She bit her lip and grabbed at a lever hastily. "Here." She wrenched it up and he pitched backwards, half his shirt coming untucked.
"Oh God," he said from his position on the floor. "Hundreds of years traveling through time and space, respecting the delicate balance the universes tip on, and one human is going to kill us all."
Rose turned a dial and pondered this for a moment, feeling surprisingly calm despite his apparent terror. "Oh," she hummed and he looked up at the salacious tone in her voice. "Feel quite powerful all of a sudden."
"Don't," he rose quickly and stalked toward her, his chest pressing firmly against her back and his hand molding atop hers on a handle. "The barriers of time and space will not bend to your will."
She pouted and looked up at him, her lips brushing his jaw. "You didn't even let me try." The TARDIS began to slow as he regained control. His eyes flicked down to her.
"I think I'm beginning to realize the danger of how much I'll actually let you try."
"Thinking of taking her out for another spin?" She tensed at the voice, so wrapped up in her nostalgia that she hadn't heard him approach. She kept her back to him, closing her eyes and fighting to regain some composure. She'd had this dream a million times.
"Maybe," her voice was steady and calm, even managing to sound a bit coy, and she felt proud. "Who's going to stop me?"
"Not me. Certainly not her. She loves the way you fly her, bit like an amusement park ride, gets you right to that glorious edge of exhilaration and vomit."
Rose snorted. "You're such an ass." She turned then and saw him: one shoulder leaning casually against the wall, hands jammed in his pockets, foot crossed over the other. He smiled and his eyes were brighter than she'd ever seen them.
"Hello Rose."
Her breath caught. There was something in the way he said her name, that look in his gaze. She knew immediately that it was him.
"It's you," she breathed.
He smiled sadly. "It's me."
"But it's really you. The real Doctor, not that dream one who pops in and out. We're meeting in dreams again."
"What's this talk of a dream bloke?"
"Shut up!" She laughed, a choked sound that was half a sob. She took a step forward, reaching for him, and then stopped abruptly. "It is really you isn't it? I'm not going mad? It's you and me, me with all my thoughts and control."
"It's us." He hadn't moved.
"But this is…what," she looked around in befuddlement. "Why now? I've had this dream loads of times and you never show up."
"The connection was lost when you went into the parallel universe the first time. When you were back on the ship, the TARDIS must have rekindled the bind, strengthening it so it would reach through the gap."
"So now we're up and running even though I'm stuck back here again."
"Yeah." There was an awkward pause as the reality of what had transpired on the beach hung heavily between them, his actions and her choice. He cleared his throat and looked down, remaining as still as she had ever seen him.
"Do you do this with the other people you travel with?" The question popped out without any real thought or interest behind it. Her brain was scrambling to process everything, the fact that he was here, her anger and frustration over being left for a second time, her utter joy at seeing him again.
"Uh, no. No. Didn't sleep much while Martha was here. Tough time for me, as it turns out," his tone was light, but she blinked at the raw pain that flickered across his features. He wasn't looking at her.
"She seemed brilliant," Rose offered.
"She was! That she was. Brilliant. Martha Jones." He strode over to the console, leaving a wide berth between them, and circled around the controls, fingertips tracing every inch, touching everything but her. Rose shivered.
"What about Donna?" She asked.
He faltered for a moment, then pulled a button, avoiding her gaze. "No never met in dreams with Donna either."
"Were you still not sleeping?"
"Oh I slept better," his smile was rueful. "We had some grand adventures. But no dreams together, the TARDIS didn't make that connection."
"Well, there's still a chance."
"No. No, she's gone."
"Gone? What do you mean gone?"
"She went home," he was concentrating on something on a screen, setting his glasses on his nose to get a closer look.
"But…" Rose gaped at him. "But I just saw you a few weeks ago. You were so happy together. You seemed to get on so well."
"We did. We were," he paused and adjusted his frames. "We were great friends."
She held out a hand in silent question. "It was…You saw how she absorbed all of that Time Lord knowledge? How she essentially became part Time Lord?" Rose nodded soundlessly. "Well, that's not…a Time Lord can become human, can lose some of that superior physicality and mental ability," Rose thought vaguely of making a snarky remark but refrained due to his somber expression. "Much easier than a human can become part Time Lord. Your bodies and minds are not equipped to deal with the breadth of all that knowledge, the limitlessness. The brain can't cope. It starts to shut down."
Rose felt a chill. "So what happened?"
"She was losing her mind. She was in pain. She would have-" He ran a hand through his hair, stare unfocused. "The only way I could save her was to wipe her memory clean. To remove every memory of me, of the TARDIS, time traveling, all the wonderful things that she did." Rose raised a hand to her mouth in horror. "She begged me not to, cried and pleaded. But I had to; I couldn't just watch her…" He shut his eyes. "I had to do it. She's home now. Safe and sound and happy with her family."
"Oh Doctor, I'm so sorry. How awful for you both. I'm so, so sorry." She closed the distance between them and took his hand in her own on pure instinct. Startled, she stared at their joined fingers in wonder. It felt so real; she could feel his heat, the tendons jumping under his skin. It was like coming home. They stood like that for a few moments, then he squeezed her hand and pulled away, still not really looking at her.
"How's my twin?" He asked, moving on to fiddling with an exposed wire.
"Good. He's working at Torchwood with me. Settling in. He's adjusting really well, better than I did when I first arrived. He took the name John Smith for old times' sake. It's just for paperwork though. We all still call him the Doctor, all of us that know."
"So you and he are…" he trailed off but they both knew what he was asking. Rose found that now she was the one who couldn't meet his gaze.
"Yeah," she said and tried to think of something else to say, coming up with nothing. Her mouth shut with a snap.
"I'm happy for you," he managed to sound like he meant it, but there was something, just a tiny hitch in his voice that she heard.
"Doctor…"
"I mean it, Rose. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy." Their eyes met and held for the first time.
"I miss you," she said.
"I miss you too."
"Still? After all your adventures?" She cringed inwardly at the neediness in her voice, but it had to be asked. She had to know for all those nights that she lay awake wondering.
"Yes, well it's lonely being a jetsetter without a pretty blonde leaving her clothes strewn all over the TARDIS. Turns out tidiness distracts me." They grinned at each other.
"You should find someone else to travel with."
"Nah," he sniffed. "It's not the same, you know. Donna, she was…she and I were good mates and for a while there it was fun, really fun," he smiled, remembering. "You would have loved her."
"I did. She saved you. And me and the world." she said quietly.
"Yeah," he seemed to snap out of his revere, peering at the wire again. "But it had to end. You all leave me in the end." His lips quirked. "And with the others I find myself…I try not to, don't realize I am, but I'm just trying to find another Rose. And there isn't one. And I can't have you back no matter how much I want you."
His look was sudden and searing and it hit her somewhere in the pit of her stomach.
"You shouldn't be traveling all alone," she felt something tugging at the base of her head and brushed it aside with the back of her hand. "It's dangerous and lonely and you should find a friend. You deserve a friend."
His chuckle sounded anything but pleasant.
"I'm serious," she insisted. "You know it's not easy for me either. But I didn't have a choice. You think I want to be stuck on some planet with-" There it was again, a tickle inside her mind. She winced and touched her hair gingerly.
His eyes were sad and knowing. "It's time for you to wake up."
"No, no!" She felt panicked, gripping onto the console, reaching for him.
"I'll come back, I'll see you again." He stepped closer so she could gather a fistful of his jacket.
"Promise. Promise me." She was beginning to cry.
"I can't control when, it's all about us both falling into a deep sleep at the same time, triggering that connection…"
"Doctor, please," her voice broke. "This wasn't enough time."
He looked at her, eyes searching her face. His hand came up to brush a tear from her cheek, and then they were hugging each other like they should have been from the start, like they had wanted to, but had felt too afraid. Rose clung to him with a desperation that terrified her and his chin nuzzled against her hair.
"I promise," he whispered.
She woke up in her bed, gasping, tears on her face and the scent of him still lingering in her nose. Her phone was blinking on the nightstand, the green, spectral glow signaling the received text that had no doubt stimulated her awakening. She quietly extracted herself from the blankets and walked to the terrace, opening the doors and creeping into the cool night air. Her arms wrapped around herself and she looked up at sky, wondering where he was right now, wondering when they would meet again.