His Darkest Hour

Disclaimer: Same as before. Nothing's changed.

A/N: Okay, second half is out! I'm lucky I managed to get it tweaked enough to publish it - I'm sitting here listening to Gothic/orchestra/violin music and I keep spacing out. I must be in some kind of mood tonight - I've stared at the same line for minutes on end, my mind going in every direction except on the words in front of me. O_o (The same music, take note, that helped me write this in the first place LOL). Then the upstairs neighbours dropped something heavy - nothing wakes you up like something sounding like it's going to land on your head! Or your laptop about to fall off your lap. LOL

I tossed Renzulli into the mix because I get a kick out of the guy and I like how he interacts with Jamie. I don't know much about him besides his gambling (and that he likes to eat), so I've probably taken a few liberties with his character. ;)

Anyhoo, enough rambling. Here you go. Enjoy! :)

Chapter 2

Danny's heart kicked into high gear, beating its way out of his chest. His brother was sitting on the bed, clad in nothing but jeans, head bowed. His elbows rested on his knees, his fists clamped on his short hair, knuckles white. Sobs tore from his throat, breath coming in gasps.

Danny wanted to cry. He didn't need to guess anymore about what his brother was thinking. Clamped tightly in his right hand was his off-duty gun. Jamie's finger kept stroking the trigger. At least he wasn't pointing it at himself. Not yet, anyway. If Danny had gone home instead, if he had gotten to Jamie's apartment just minutes later… there would be no question as to what he'd find later on.

It was foolish. This was an unstable man with a gun in front of him, but Danny didn't care. This unstable man was his happy-go-lucky little brother. He immediately knelt in front of him, ignoring the dangerous weapon in Jamie's right hand. Staring up into his brothers face, whose eyes were tightly closed as the tears still cascaded, he felt the tears start rolling down his own face.

"Jamie." He spoke gently, softly as to avoid startling him. He reached forward, gently stroking a thumb over the tears on his cheek. "Jamie, please look at me. Please open your eyes."

Jamie didn't open his eyes, but he leaned slightly into Danny's touch. His breath still gasped, but he started to breathe easier.

"Jay, please buddy, please look at me." Danny begged. He took his brothers face in both hands, extra careful not to startle him. "Come on, Jamie…"

Jamie's eyelids twitched as he slowly opened them to meet his brothers worried gaze.

"Danny…." His voice was rough, thick and hoarse from alcohol and crying. His eyes were reddened and puffy.

To Danny, the very much alive blue orbs that stared back at him were the most beautiful things on the planet. They were hazy and filled with pain and loss, but they were alive. Danny's breath hitched. "Oh God, Jamie…" Reaching up, he pulled Jamie into a tight hug, clutching him like he would never let him go.

Jamie gave a start, his eyes widening. Another sob tore from his throat.

Danny heard the welcome sound of the gun hitting the floor as Jamie let it fall. Then he felt Jamie's strong arms wrap around him, hands clutching desperately at his shirt. His body shook as he sobbed into Danny's shoulder.

Finally, Jamie started to quiet, his grip on Danny's shirt loosening. Danny pulled away, but found Jamie's hands and gripped them tightly, fearing that Jamie might go for his fallen gun. He stared into his brother's wet face, feeling the air cool the tears that rested on his own.

"Jamie…"

"It's my fault…" Jamie whispered, voice still cracking.

"What is, buddy?" Danny prompted gently.

"Everything… Sergeant Calito's death. Sydney leaving me. Everything." Jamie's voice broke on the last word.

"Jay, no… it's not your fault. You could have been killed that night. Calito saved your life, and the report shows that you fired your weapon when you needed to. And Sydney left of her own choice. Don't you dare blame yourself for that."

"I pushed her away. And Calito's death was my fault, Danny. I wasn't fast enough. I froze Danny…" the torment in his voice was palpable.

"You had just been clocked, Jamie. Then you were staring down the barrel of a gun. Anyone would freeze. Carlito did his job, he acted to save your life. Instead of shooting you, the guy turned on Calito. He fired. You fired. Yes, Jamie, you did your job." Danny insisted firmly, seeing Jamie about to protest. "I couldn't be more proud." he added softly. "You couldn't have done anything differently."

Jamie stared at him, worrying his bottom lip. Danny gazed back, giving his hands a squeeze.

"You hear me, Jamie? Whatever you think is your fault, it is not, and never will be. Do not blame yourself!"

Jamie's face crumpled, but the tears stayed away. "God, Danny…"

Danny touched his face, turning his gaze back to meet his. "What? What is it?"

Jamie stared, unsure. "Danny… I need help… please, help me." he pleaded, eyes filling with more tears that he tried to keep at bay.

Danny pulled him into another tight hug. "I'm going to do everything I can, Jamie. I'm not going to leave you. Dad, Grandpa, Erin and Linda, the kids, none of us are ever going to leave you. So don't you dare leave us!" Danny's voice cracked again as he gave his brother another squeeze.

Jamie grasped at him desperately. "I'm so tired, Danny…" he trailed off, slumping into his brother, emotionally and physically drained.

"I know you are, kid. I know." He stood, helping his brother lay down. He pulled the covers over him. "Try to sleep, Jay. I'm going to be right here when you wake up. I won't leave you." Danny told him, stroking his forehead, softly running his fingers through his hair like their parents used to do when they were kids and were feeling upset or were sick. Jamie leaned into the warm touch, closing his eyes. Danny stayed put a few minutes longer. Jamie's soft snores told him he'd finally found some peace. Quietly, he picked up Jamie's gun, taking it with him as he walked into the hallway. He partially closed the door behind him, leaving it open a crack so he could hear his brother should he wake.

Walking into the living room, he scrubbed a hand over his eyes. Grinding to a halt, his heart jumped into his throat as he saw a figure sitting forlornly on the couch. His heart fell back into place as he recognized the man.

"Tony? What are you doing here?"

Renzulli glanced up at Danny, eyes glistening with tears. "Your father called me personally, said something was seriously wrong with Jamie, that you had banned him from coming over, and that I needed to get my ass over here on the double. He scared the shit out of me. I thought… well, I don't know what I thought… but he truly scared me."

Danny couldn't help but smirk. Typical of his father. He was grateful, though. Renzulli was one of Jamie's closest friends, not merely his Sergeant, or his Training Officer. He knew Jamie trusted him with his life. So did he. "How'd you get in here? How much did you see?"

Renzulli paused, a pained look on his face. "You didn't lock the door behind you. Besides, Jamie gave me an extra key, just in case. I would have used it if you had done your duty and locked the door." Renzulli gave him a half-hearted smirk.

Danny had the decency to look sheepish. "I wasn't thinking about door locks." he defended himself before repeating his second question. "How much did you see?"

The pained look returned. "I saw the gun fall from his hand. Damn it, Danny! I should have known he was getting to this point. I should have guessed…"

"Tony, stop." Danny interrupted him. "How could you have known? I didn't even know!"

Tony looked at him point blank. "Have you been here before? At this exact point?"

Danny looked startled. "No. It's gotten bad, but no, never this bad. Why?"

"I have, Danny. Not quite to this point, but almost. If it wasn't for my wife…"

"Geez, Tony, I didn't know…"

"I hit rock bottom, but I got help. Now I refuse to let the job get to me like that."

Danny felt a pang in his chest. "You went back, but Tony… I don't think…."

"I know." Tony said softly. "I know, Danny. In fact, though he's one of the best I've ever had the pleasure of supervising, I'd almost prefer if he didn't come back. Is that bad?"

Danny smiled softly. "No. No, that's not a bad thing to say. I feel the same way, but if we know Jamie…"

"He'll be back?"

"Yeah."

"What is it, Danny?" Tony asked, immediately picking up on the despair in Danny's voice, reading the pain on his face.

"Tony, I… I just can't go through this again. I can't lose another brother, and I can't watch Jamie go through this again. When I opened that door to his apartment… well, look at this place! My heart dropped, but it stopped completely when I opened the bedroom door. I've never seen Jamie like that before, never. Not even when we lost Mom, or Joe. He blames himself for everything…" Danny trailed off.

"Yeah, I heard."

They sat in silence before Danny rubbed his hands over his face. "I've got to phone Dad, since I promised I would. What am I going to say?"

Tony looked at him evenly. "The truth."

Danny looked horrified. "What? I'm supposed to tell our father that I walked in on Jamie just minutes, maybe seconds, from shooting himself? I'm supposed to tell him that had I gone home, or had I been later, he'd be down another son?"

"Yes."

"You've gone insane, Sarge. I can't tell him that! It'll break him."

"You have to, Danny. Your family needs to know, maybe not your kids or Nicki, but your family needs to know. It's the only way they can help. If they know how bad he's gotten, they can work towards a solution. Glossing over it never helps anything."

Danny nodded slowly. "I see your point. I hate it already."

Tony gave a short laugh. "You have a call to make. Would you mind if…" he nodded towards Jamie's room.

"Of course not, go in and see him. Just don't wake him up." Danny replied, liking the fact that there would be another pair of eyes on his brother while he was momentarily busy. He'd have to phone Linda, too. Maybe he'd do that first. Save the best – or not – for last.

~~BB~~

Tony approached Jamie's room, treading softly. He could still hear soft snores coming from the bed. Satisfied, he pushed the door open all the way, quietly entering. Despite the mess of the rest of the apartment, Jamie's room was still spotless. He wondered if that was a good thing, or if it was because Jamie hadn't been using it lately. He sat on the floor, facing Jamie, being careful not to jostle the bed as he leaned against it. He brushed a hand gently against the side of his friend's face.

"Jesus, kid. You really know how to scare someone." he spoke in a whisper. "Why, Jamie? Why didn't you go to Danny? Why didn't you let your father know? Why didn't you come to me?" He broke off, afraid that his voice would raise. He steeled himself again. "You're too good, Jamie. This job has torn you apart. You want to see the best in people, and in this job, the best is hard to find. It takes over your life. You've got to find a balance. This wasn't it."

"I know, Sarge."

Tony jumped, startled. "Geez, kid… Danny's going to kill me…"

For the first time in a long time, a tiny smirk quirked Jamie's lips. "You'll be fine."

"He told me not to wake you."

"I woke up on my own."

Tony smiled. That one had almost sounded like a joke. "I'll tell him that." He responded cheekily. Jamie's lips quirked again.

"I'm so tired, Sarge…" Jamie mumbled softly.

Tony brushed a hand over the side of Jamie's face. "Then sleep. I'll stay here, don't worry."

Jamie nodded slightly, his tired eyes closing once again. Tony gave his hand a small squeeze. "I'll be right here." He repeated, mostly to himself. He'd never let Jamie get this way again. He bet his life on it.

~~BB~~

Danny stared at his cellphone. He dreaded phoning his father, but calling Linda to tell him her brother-in-law nearly committed suicide wasn't exactly near the top of his wish list either. He sighed, then dialed his home number.

"Hello?" A sleepy voice answered.

"Hi, babe. Did I wake you?"

"Danny? Is everything okay? It doesn't matter if you woke me, how's Jamie? Did he meet you for dinner?"

"No, he didn't meet me, Linda…"

Linda heard the pained pause in his voice. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm at his apartment..." he paused again, a sob in his voice.

"Danny, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"This place is a mess, Lin. He's usually so spotless. I don't think he's cleaned for weeks!"

"Danny! Tell me what's going on!"

Danny steeled himself. "Linda, I walked in on him in his room… I've never seen him like that… he could have…."

"Danny, you're stuttering, and you're seriously scaring me. Do I have to come over there?" Linda asked, tears in her voice.

"No, no babe. I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "He nearly killed himself, Lin. His gun was in his hand."

"What? No… no, he wouldn't…"

"He would. He was sitting on his bed, crying. I've never seen him cry like that, like his whole entire world had fallen down around him then exploded. His gun was in his hand. God, Linda, if I'd been just a few minutes later, or if I'd gone home instead of coming over here, I wouldn't have found my brother. I would have found a body." His voice broke on the last word. Linda gave a sob over the phone.

"Danny…"

"It's okay, babe. He dropped it. He blames himself for everything negative. To him, everything is his fault."

"That's not true, Danny!"

"I know, babe. I can only hope he realizes that. He's sleeping now. Renzulli's with him."

"Renzulli?" Linda asked. "Why's he there?"

"Dad called him. I had banned him from coming over before I knew what I would find. So he called Tony and sent him over instead."

"Oh God, Danny, your father!"

"I know, Lin. This will break him, but he has to know. It's the only way."

"He's strong, and he'll be strong for Jamie. We all will."

"Thanks, babe. I'm going to stay here tonight, okay? I probably won't be home until later tomorrow. I might get Jamie over to Dad's if I think he'll be able to handle it."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, honey. Your brother needs to be the most important person in your life right now."

"I love you, Linda." Danny said sincerely.

"I love you too, Danny. Watch over him, honey." Linda said softly. "Give him a kiss from me." She teased.

Danny stuttered. "Linda, there's a fine line between brotherly love and creepy…"

Linda gave a short laugh. "I'm kidding honey. Tell him I'm there for him, and that the kids and I send our love."

"I will, babe. Love you."

"Love you too." Linda disconnected the call. Danny stared at his phone. Time to call his father. He swallowed hard, punching in the number. His father answered on the first ring.

"Where is my son? I need to see him."

"Dad, please calm down." Danny tried to placate him.

"Danny…" Frank warned, frustration evident in his voice.

"Dad, you can't just barge over here. Not right now. He needs to sleep."

Frank grunted in frustration, but decided to trust Danny's judgement. "Okay Danny, but you need to tell me. Is my boy okay?"

Danny paused, swallowing. Now or never. "No Dad, he's not. He hasn't been for a while, and it's going to be a while before he is okay again."

"Talk to me, Danny."

"He… he blames himself for everything bad that's happened. He feels he screws everything up. This last event a month ago is what really did it. He blames himself for Calito's death. He feels he screwed up, that if he'd done something differently, Calito would still be alive. He was staring death in the face that night Dad, but he would gladly have taken the bullet himself if it would have kept Calito alive."

Frank's voice was husky. "That's your brother. As long as no one else gets hurt…"

"Yeah…" Danny trailed off. "Dad…"

"What is it, son?" Frank asked gently, a bad feeling taking hold in his gut as he listened to the pain in his oldest son's voice.

A tear finally trailed down Danny's face. "God, Dad. It was awful…"

"Talk to me, son. What happened?"

"Dad, if I had gone home or if I had gotten here later…."

"Danny…"

Danny pushed on. "When I got here, I couldn't find Jamie, only the mess he'd left behind. His coffee table looked like an alcohol factory. The only door in the hallway that was closed was his room. Dad… I thought… I expected the worst, Dad. I honestly thought…" his voice broke off, choking on a sob.

"Okay, Danny, it's okay son. I'm here." Frank voice wavered, husky with unshed tears, but right now he refused to let them fall. Danny needed him, and he was going to be strong for him.

"Dad," Danny continued. "I… I didn't realize how close I was to the truth."

Frank felt like he'd been punched. For a few seconds, he couldn't breathe. He had to deliberately force his lungs to work just so he could keep talking to Danny. It wasn't unexpected, but Danny's words made it all too real. "Keep going, Danny."

"I opened his door. He was sitting on his bed, hunched over. I've never seen him cry like that Dad, not even with Mom, or Joe. His world had exploded around him. It was like he had nothing left. Dad… his gun was in his hand. It was probably the only thing that felt real to him at that moment. I'm guessing at that point, he'd probably given himself minutes. Minutes, Dad! He was full-on flirting with the Reaper. I could have found…" he choked off again. He cleared his throat before attempting to continue. "I could have found his body. If I had been any later… "

Frank wiped his eyes. He'd been unable to keep the tears at bay. Henry sat watery-eyed beside him. Frank had put on the speaker phone at Henry's insistence.

"Danny, how is he now?"

"Sleeping. Renzulli's with him now. Dad, you sound far away…"

"Speakerphone. Your grandfathers idea."

Danny looked horrified. "Oh God, Grandpa! I didn't know… you shouldn't have heard that…"

"Yes, Danny. I should have. I needed to. I need to be able to help my grandson." Henry insisted firmly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Danny. You did everything you could. We will all do everything we can. We're his family, we won't leave him now. We'll never leave him."

Danny nodded his resolve. "You're right, Dad. Look, I'm going to stay here tonight. By the looks of it, so will Renzulli. I'll see how he is in the morning. If he's up to it, I'll bring him over to you. I think… I think he should stay with you for awhile, let him get some help, let him see that we're there for him. I'll even stay there if it'll help. I bet Erin and Nicki would, too. I just can't lose him, Dad. I can't."

"I know, son." Frank choked out. "Believe me, I know. Alright, I'll see him tomorrow, because you'd better believe that, even if you don't bring him over here, I will not be refused again. I will see my son!"

Danny swallowed again. "Yes, Dad. I'm sorry. I was just looking out for him. I didn't want to shock him all at once."

"I know, Danny. You're so good with him. Goodnight, Danny. Give Jamie my love."

"And mine!" Henry piped up.

"I will. Goodnight Dad, Grandpa."

Danny disconnected the call, leaning back on the couch and closing his eyes. He felt Tony sit beside him.

"It's going to be okay." Tony told him firmly.

Danny opened his eyes and looked at the Sergeant. The look of determination on his face was enough to convince him that Renzulli spoke the truth. It'd be a long, tough road, and like anything else, there would be bumps and obstacles to cross, but they'd get through it.

Together.

Always.

END.