CHAPTER 9

The next morning I woke up in my very own bedroom- alone. The previous night, Ranger dropped me off, but not before an extensive game of tonsil hockey in his car.

"Later, Babe. Remember that we leave day after tomorrow for Boston. Dress formally."

With that, he was gone, and I headed to my apartment, collecting Bob on the way. It suddenly hit me how tired I was. I barely managed to pull on some pajamas and brush my teeth before I flopped in bed and was down for the count.

The first thought that came to my head was what Ranger had said the night before about the party in Boston. Oh shit! I made a mental list of the necessities: a dress, shoes, a purse, new make-up to go with the outfit… Yikes. I also needed to visit Clara's and get my nails done. Maybe even spring for a pedicure. Might as well pull out all the stops.

I was reaching for the phone on my bedside table to call Mary Lou when it rang. It was my mother, telling me that I had to get my grandmother out of the house NOW before my dad strangled her. I wavered about taking her shopping with me; that is, until Mom said that I would not be taking home any kind of leftovers for weeks if I didn't take her. I hastily replied that I would pick Grandma up at 11:00 to go shopping.

I called Mary Lou to see if she wanted to go shopping, too. She did, and she suggested that I also ask Lula and Connie. We were gonna look like a friggin' parade.

I pulled up in my parent's front yard at 11:00 on the dot. As usual, Mom and Grandma Mazur were shoulder to shoulder at the front door. As soon as I walked in the house Mom started in on me.

"What is this I hear about you dumping Joe Morelli? Where did you get that car? You don't have enough money for a car like that!"

"Mom," I groaned. "Joe and I were never going to work. We just weren't on the same page. The car is…a loaner. Ranger gave it to me to use."

"Cool! Let's go, Steph! I can look like a real babe in a car like that. Maybe I need one of those hunky bounty hunters to go with it, too. I can tell you exactly what I would do with one of those!" Grandma Mazur cackled. "First, I would take him and-"

I broke in on Grandma's little oration. "Okay, let's go. We're picking everyone up at the office in 10 minutes."

Grandma promptly flew out the door and towards the BMW. "Can I drive, Steph? I got my license thing you know."

Drive? My Beemer? "NO!" I shouted at her.

"You let her drive and I'm holding you responsible for anything she does, Stephanie!" I heard my mom call from the front porch. "You're responsible for her!"

When we pulled up at the office Mary Lou, Connie, and Lula were all waiting for us. They piled in the backseat and we roared off toward Macy's.

"So what's the big deal, girlfriend? Why you want all of us here to shop with you?" Lula asked from the backseat.

I blushed. "Well..."

"What? What?" they all demanded.

"Okay. Ranger asked me to go to Boston with him this weekend. We'll be going to a party for a business that he owns. I need an outfit."

Of course, this comment resulted in a huge outcry everyone in the car. The girls speculated about my upcoming weekend and its implications until we got to Macy's. We piled out of the car excitedly, walking through the big doors like five women on a mission. Watch out world!

Two hours later, I wasn't in quite the same mood I had been. Everyone found something great except me; even Grandma Mazur found a barely-there bra and panty set for her "wild nights." We didn't ask.

I was absently browsing through rack after rack of dresses that I had already been through about 3 times in case I missed something. I had tried on tons of dresses but hadn't found the dress.

"Steph! I got it!" Connie screeched.

All five of us swarmed on Connie. She triumphantly held up a beautiful deep wine-colored dress that would fall a few inches above my knee, a sweetheart neckline, and a matching pashmina. It was perfect! I knew it even before I tried it on.

In the dressing room, I couldn't help but stare at myself in the mirror. This was a magic dress. My legs looked longer, my breasts looked bigger, and it emphasized my ass…ets.

"It's you, Steph! You've got to get it!" Mary Lou exclaimed.

Don't need to tell me twice. I quickly changed back into my regular clothes and forked over my Macy's card. We then hit the shoe department, where I found the perfect pair of four-inch FMPs to go with the perfect dress.

Next, we headed to the make-up counter. It was a unanimous decision that I needed make-up to match the dress. Connie, the nail polish queen, found a crimson nail polish and offered to do my nails for free so I wouldn't have to pay for Clara's.

The first thing I saw when I got to the counter of my favorite make-up brand was the make-up lady, none other than Joyce Barnhardt. Yes, Joyce Barnhardt- the bitch who put my Beemer on top of Cluck in a Bucket. She was helping (or torturing) another customer, and hadn't seen us approach. We quickly decided it was time for a little revenge.

Mary Lou, Connie, Lula, Grandma Mazur, and I huddled up for a Ranger-worthy planning session. We decided Grandma Mazur would be the best at distracting her while we got everything in place.

A few minutes later, Joyce had successfully scared away her customer and Grandma sauntered up to the counter. Joyce, being the stupid bitch she was, didn't recognize Grandma Mazur, and was acting polite and doing her make-up lady thing.

"Ready?" I asked the others.

They all grinned back at me. Every one of them hated Joyce as much as I did. Maybe.

We set off to our separate areas and performed our assigned tasks. When I heard the signal, Grandma asking about wrinkle reducer, I stepped up from my hiding spot directly behind Joyce. She hadn't heard me sneak up behind her during her babbling to Grandma.

I went around to Joyce's far side and tapped her on the shoulder. I was right in the position where she would have to step directly back to get away from me. We were counting on that. Unfortunately (for her), there was a big puddle of lotion on the floor, and she fell right on her ass, bonking her head on the counter in the process. She looked dazed for a moment, sitting in a puddle of lotion with her arm in a cast and a confused look on her face. That didn't last night before Connie stepped in and zapped her with a stun gun. Everyone rushed forward while Grandma Mazur kept a lookout for any other store employees.

Lula and Connie attacked Joyce's face with the most hideous make-up colors they could find. Meanwhile, Mary Lou stuck a sign on her back reading I CAN MAKE U BARK & BEG. CALL JOYCE FOR A GOOD TIME. 694-555-9379.

We were wrapping up when Grandma gave us the signal that someone was coming. We quickly dispersed and met back up at the car, laughing hysterically.

We high fived all around, and by the time we'd calmed down we figured that Joyce was probably just coming back around. Back we trouped into Macy's, but this time we went upstairs so we could observe from above.

Shortly after we got into position on the 2nd floor, Joyce started coming back to around. She sat up, rubbing the back of her head, but, thank God, not touching the front or glancing in a mirror. She quickly stood up, glancing around. Gosh, I wonder who she's looking for?

Through some twist of fate, Joyce never thought to look in the mirror or look up towards the 2nd floor for the first 45 minutes. People would stop and stare, little kids would point and giggle, and we just sat up there laughing our heads off.

Finally, she got smart and looking in the mirror. When she saw herself she fainted dead away, and we about fainted too- from laughter. We figured it was probably time to leave since people were starting to look at us funny, too.

I pulled up to my apartment later that evening with all my purchases, including a new set of make-up purchased in another store. After our shopping spree, the five of us had decided to go out for dinner and a couple of drinks, and we had been there awhile.

It was at dinner that one of the current mysteries in my life was solved. We'd been stuffing our faces and knocking back beer, reminiscing about the Joyce experience that afternoon, when Mary Lou spoke up.

"I gotta say, this afternoon was classic." She shook her head fondly. "Even more so because of the irony, don't you think?"

"I'll agree with the classic, girl, but what you talking about with that irony shit?" Lula demanded.

Mary Lou looked around in confusion. "Haven't y'all heard?"

"Heard what?" we chorused.

"The reason why Joyce put your car on the restaurant, Steph! It's been all over the Burg grapevine."

Say what?

"Say what?" Lula exclaimed. "We ain't heard nothing' about this! Have you, white girl?"

"Nope," I shook my head. "News to me. I can't wait to hear this."

"Well," Mary Lou began, "it turns out that Joyce has hated you even more than we thought for a long time now. She saw you driving the BMW the other morning and recognized it for one of Ranger's cars. You know how she thinks he's hot." We nodded. Who didn't? "Anyway, she flipped. Marjorie Selnick's cousin Carolyn works for a construction company with their own big machinery. Carolyn told Marjorie who told me that Joyce had your car towed to the restaurant, then paid one of the sub contractors to put it on the roof."

"What the hell?" I asked, flabbergasted. "Why?"

"Well, Alice Carnelli heard her bitching about you at the Shop N' Save, and basically, she was jealous of you! She thought by sleeping with Dickie all those years ago she'd finally be putting the screws to you. Now that you've been seeing people like Morelli and Batman, she's pissed. Not to mention everyone knows about you and Joe in high school. Besides, you know how much money she's put into plastic surgery! It burns her ass that she tried to screw you for years, and you've come out the better for it. You don't even have to sleep around or have multiple plastic surgery procedures."

"Christ!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. "I'm living my life, not running a freaking rat race competition with Joyce Barnhardt!"

Mary Lou nodded. "I know, honey, and I think that's what pisses her off most of all. She thought by messing with Ranger's BMW he would get pissed at you."

"That bitch," I huffed.

Shaking my head, I came back to the present. Deciding I'd zoned out in the parking lot for long enough, I made my way into my apartment building.

My first stop was to inform Dillon that I would be away for the weekend and ask if he could keep Bob until Sunday or Monday. Dillon assured me that he would love to do so.

My second stop was in my bedroom, where I began to frantically throw stuff in my suitcase for the trip to Boston. I had no idea what to take, except for the dress of course, so I decided to pack everything.

I woke up the next morning with my body sprawled across my bed and my head resting on a pair of clean jeans that failed to make it into my suitcase. I stumbled into the shower bleary-eyed and lost in my morning fog. As I dried my hair, I realized the phone was ringing. It was Ranger, letting me know he was going to be at my apartment in an hour.

An hour- yikes! Forget butterflies- I was so nervous I felt like someone had shaken a bottle of bumblebees and set them loose in my stomach. They only got worse as I finished getting ready and waited for Ranger to arrive. By the time he showed up, I thought I might be sick.

Exactly one hour later, Ranger walked in my apartment. He glanced at my huge suitcase sitting by the door and I swear he rolled his eyes. Without a word he walked over to me and gave me a bone-melting kiss.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yep," I replied grinning at him.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Nervous?"

"Who, me?"

He grinned, grabbing my hand in his and my suitcase in the other. "Liar."