Chasing Him Chapter 8, a castle fanfic

Beckett blamed Ryan for this.

When he had told her and Esposito that he had an idea that would allow her and Castle to be in a more casual setting, one that would allow her to show a softer side and potentially win him back, she had been all for it. She had held visions of a friendly dinner in some little known family diner, or perhaps a night of watching bad movies and mocking them like they were the cast of Mystery Science Theater. Or perhaps watching one of the HORRIBLE police dramadies where all the characters were glorified soap opera stars and every case was solved in 44 minutes and they could take turns pointing out the flaws.

But no...Ryan had picked something worse...much, much worse

"Hey Castle, you're up! Just promise you don't sing any Manilow...that guy with the huge forehead ruined it for me!"

Karaoke.

Beckett HATED Karaoke. The people that loved it were either attention whores that wanted everyone to treat them like they were the next coming of Whitney Houston or were so tone deaf they didn't realize that the cat was plunging its head in kitty liter in the hopes that it would die from drowning in clumps and not have to hear the music anymore.

The bar Ryan had chosen didn't help matters either. It was done up in reds and golds with Chinese lanterns (didn't they realize Karaoke was Japanese?) and full of drunk businessmen and giggling women out on girl's night.

At least all the rest of them were having fun. Esposito was cracking wise, but light enough that it didn't make him sound like a jackass, and Ryan was doing all he could to steer Castle towards her without being obvious. And speak of the devil himself...Castle had managed to crack a smile or two and tell a few jokes, though she could tell he still wasn't comfortable being around her in a public setting. When they were alone, he could pretend...but when the world could see him, he suddenly had butterfingers when it came to handling her.

Castle went up to the mic, having already selected his song while Ryan did his best to not butchar Foo Fighters 'Learn to Fly'. The strum of a guitar filled the air as Castle took hold of the mic, staring off at nothing as he began to sing.

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

Beckett felt her heart dive down into her gut. She knew that for many, the song was about someone with a secret asking the person they loved to let them go. But the way Castle sang it, with all his emotions out there for the world to see...the song had a different meaning for him.

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

She glanced over at Ryan and Esposito, and from their slightly stung expressions, struggling to contain their true feelings, Beckett knew that saw the meaning behind Castle's song choice as well.

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

It was a plea. A silent prayer. A whispered question, asking for relief and reprieve. It was a condemed man asking for a stay of execution, of a dying man asking to be put out of his pain. It was beautiful and terrible and she didn't know if she should cry...tears didn't seem right. They seemed...demeaning.

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

Every word was a knife. She had thought she had made this right...she thought she was fixing this. But it was clear, in this moment, that she had been stupid and childish. This wouldn't be fixed with baked goods and a few flirty comments. She had broken him so completely and utterly, and it would be up to her to fix him...even if it meant giving him up. Because she had to fix him...how could she ever dream of going on, of facing the world, knowing what she had reduced him too?

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

The room, Beckett realized, had grown quiet. All the idle conversations and drunken rants had went silent, all ears fixed to Castle's song, wanting to catch each note. As the last verse fell from his lips the room burst into applause and Castle bashfully waved them off. Beckett forced herself to smile, though the dampness at the corner of her eyes weakened the effect.

"Wow Castle, that was..."

"Go ahead and mock...I think it was pretty good!" Castle said, using humor as a shield.

"Nah, man, that was pretty good!"

Beckett, thankful the guys were giving her a moment to regroup, quickly began to come up with a new plan, her mind working overtime to come up with a new attack strategy. A song in the playbook at their table caught her eye and she smiled. She hadn't been planning to sing...but perhaps it was time to fight fire with fire.

"Excuse me boys...I am going to show Castle how it is done!"

Castle, Ryan and Esposito laughed as she walked up, making her selection. They waited for the girly notes or slow guitar to start...so they were startled when a violent riff began. Beckett closed her eyes, pretending it was only her, alone in her room, and surrendered herself to the song.

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

She had heard of singing for one's supper. But Beckett was not singing for her life. It was dramatic and some would scoff, but she realized that, without Castle's love, her life wasn't worth a damn thing. She needed him, she needed him at her side, now and forever, and that meant she was going to not just have to chase him, but fight for him.

To you I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold

She wanted him to understand. She wanted him to get the meaning, that she was readying for him and that now, at long last, she could hold her head up and ignore the ghosts of the past. She wouldn't allow her fears and misgivings cost her happiness and she was willing to do anything to earn back his trust and his love. She sang it all for him, only for him, with the world as her witness and the universe as her stage

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

The applause was just as loud for her as it had been for him, and Beckett slowly made her way back to her seat. Castle looked dumbfounded and confused...unsure where he stood or what had brought on that soulful song.

Good. She could work with confused.