My Distant Rose:

...I am unsure how to start this one. Lately my mind has been so fuddled and I can hardly think straight. These past few days have been a nightmare.

I guess I'll start from the beginning, which was about a month ago...

It started out as a pretty normal day; Martha and I exploring a new world. But we came upon this family, the Family of Blood. These creatures only live three months, and they wanted the life of a Time Lord so they could live forever. Of course we tried to escape, but the problem was, they could sniff me out, wherever I went. There was nowhere we could hide while I was still a Time Lord. So I became human. Used a chameleon circuit to rewrite my DNA.(very painful by the way)

It would've been fine after that, but as a human I couldn't remember my life as a Time Lord. My head would have exploded with all the knowledge. So I stored all my Time Lord DNA into a fob watch and landed the TARDIS in London 1913. That was where the nightmare began.

I don't feel like writing it, but I know I must. If I stop writing now, I fear I will never write again, and I can't accept that.

John Smith was created in the place of me, The Doctor. He lived an average life, met average people, did ordinary things. But he wasn't me. And John Smith fell in love. For a short while he lived the one adventure I could never have.

But John Smith kept dreaming of being a traveler in a blue box, remembering strange creatures and places, but only one name would come to his mind, only one name spoke clear through his dreams. And that name was Rose. He couldn't even remember his own name, or Martha's name, but he remembered yours. I don't know why.

So...John Smith fell in love, I guess because it was what he always wanted. I want you to realize though, that this John Smith is not me. He is only what I would've been if I were human. It made me think about what would've happened if I were a human, what sort of life I could've lived. I hope there is a John Smith out there somewhere for you, a brilliant man attentive to your every need, who will be there for you, and will never leave you, someone who could do more than I ever could. That is what I wish for you now that I will never see your face again.

The Family of Blood came after us though. Poor Martha, she watched me treat her like a servant, watched me fall in love with another woman, watched as the aliens threatened and killed many of those in that small boy's school. I fear she may be permanently damaged by the whole ordeal.

John Smith did not want to leave. He was horrified at the thought of leaving Joan and the life he had made for himself. He didn't want to become lonely again, and I don't blame him, not one bit. I think loneliness is one of the worst feelings out there. Smith adamantly demanded to stay. I can still feel the tears that ran down his face as he took a glimpse into what his life could've been, if I had never existed.

But Joan was right. She told me after it was over, that he was braver than I. I only changed, but John had died. But I remember everything that happened. I still remember all of John's memories.

I invited Joan to come with us in the TARDIS. But she harshly rejected me, saying the man she had fallen in love with was dead. And maybe it's true. I don't know why I wanted her there after all that heartache, maybe I thought I could grasp something that has always been denied to me before.

I am bothered by what Martha had told John. She said she loved me, the Doctor. I ignored it, even after I had changed, but now that I am alone, I realize the damage I have done. I fear she has fallen in love with me, me and my two broken hearts. But I can't do anything about it, you know me, I can't pursue a relationship, not with a human. Falling in love, however, I was close to falling in love, once, a while ago.

I'm sorry, I can't continue writing, I'm going to have to stop here.

-Still and always-

Your Doctor