Chapter 5

" I turned her down. "

The waves of what she heard slowly outlined into sounds, then turned into letters, becoming syllables, turning to words, and then became a complete sentence. And then there was meaning added to it.

He had turned her down.

No assumptions, Miss Street, they get you nowhere. We only deal with facts here. It had been his first lesson for her. Now she had assumed, and it had gotten her nowhere.

" She misunderstood me, Della. She didn't ….. I, we, … well, I guess we never…" He couldn't finish his sentence. How could he explain to her now or ever, that no woman had ever come close to her?

" There is only one person who I would share vows with…" his hoarse voice cracked finishing the sentence.

Her eyes were still closed, her hand on the doorknob.

" But somehow, somewhere I lost her to my own career and hers, to fear, stubbordnness, to pride. To stupidity. But I'm sure we'd find a way if she would only let me tell her how much I miss her, how much I still love her. "

She still hadn't moved. The teardrop that left her eye, was caressed away by his thumb.

" I love you, Della. I've tried to stop it, but I can't. I need you. I want you. "

Finally, their eyes met for an intense exchange of new and old emotions. There was love, grief, fear, hurt, even some desire, despair. Yet fear was about to win. Her hazel eyes glinstened in the soft light of the hallway, while her hand let go of the doorknob.

" Still, I should go." The confidence she had felt coming to him at his home was strongly supported by her assumption that there was another woman in his life now, and she herself wouldn't have to think about her love for him. She had been utterly convinced he'd tell her he loved someone else. Utterly convinced he'd tell her he was sorry, and that all he could offer her now was friendship. Now that he told her otherwise, his nearness scared the living daylights out of her. Her mixed emotions overwhelmed her. Fear was winning.

" No, you shouldn't go. " He shook his head. " Why should you? "

" I'm confused. You confuse me. First, we don't see eachother for five years, then I see you with someone else, you tell me she wants to marry you, then you tell me you love me and you want me. " She sighed. " Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? "

" Talk to me. "

" I can't. "

" Why not? "

" I told you, you confuse me. I have to take time to think about it…."

" So, you came all the way here, travelled four hundred miles, to let me confuse you, and you're going back the same four hundred miles without talking to me about it? Do you seriously want me to believe that you came here to just pick up your present? I can hardly believe that, Della. No... " He used his courtroomvoice. It made her feel warm and very cold at the same time. " ...I don't believe that. At all. "

" I can deal with your presents, I can't deal with your presence. "

" Is it that bad to deal with me? "

" You have no idea... " the fierceness in her eyes made him turn around.

" I have loved you for so long, Della. Please don't tell me to stop. "

" Just for the record, Perry, you stopped it. You stopped 'us' being 'us'. You left me. You left everything you cared for including me, because of, because of…."

" Because of what? " He turned to her again. Their eyes were fierce when they met eachother. " Because I followed my dream? "

" Your dream? Is that what you call this? Your dream? Look around you, Perry. Is this your dream? From where I'm standing it turned out to be a nightmare, Your Honour. I've never seen you more unhappy than last Friday when you tried to convince me and yourself that you were doing fine. Remember? " She tried not to scream at him.

" Have you finished? "

" No, I haven't. Just give me another two minutes, and then I'll walk out of your dream forever. Exactly how many friends do you have to share this with, Perry, your dream? Except with a bottle of whiskey? Has your brother ever visited you here? And how many real friends? How many people care about you, Perry, about how you feel, about your grief? How many are there to talk to about your sleepless nights, about your fear to die before time? Does anyone know about our best friend Paul, and how he died, and about his son that felt like your own? He's had so much trouble to cope with you not contacting him for five years, Perry, do you realise that? And how many people know about me? Or did you come here to just forget about the past and start a new life? Well, in that case, you've done a pretty lousy job…."

He sighed, and pushed his hands to his forehead, closing his eyes.

" You even found yourself someone that resembles me, lucky you….. " the irony of it all was spread out pityless in front of him. " It's pathetic, Perry. I can't believe you allow yourself to be unhappy living a life that doesn't fit you. You're way too smart for that. "

There it was. As he had predicted, she told him the whole naked truth. Noone could do that the way she could, hitting him hard.

He heard his frontdoor open and close, and listened to her leaving footsteps. The ticking of her heels matched the racing rythm of his heartbeat.

No. Not again.

He ran after her, through the hallway to the elevator and pushed the button to open the doors. She still stood there, her eyes closed, unsuccesfully swallowing tears.

" Don't do this, Della, please, don't run away from me….talk to me. " He held the elevatordoor open by standing in the middle of it. " Be angry with me, hit me, but don't leave me. "

Her voice came out cracking, it was almost a whisper. " I don't know what to do anymore, Perry. I don't understand what's happening. I feel hurt. I feel relieved. I can't..."

" … control it. " He finished her sentence automatically. Her need for control, her filing nature. " Talk to me about it. We can do this. "

She finally opened her eyes, and watched him. The sad tenderness in his eyes made her weak, maybe she just had to surrender. Maybe control didn't fit in here.

He held out his hand to her. She didn't take it, but stepped out of the elevator, and stood still in front of him, whiping her tears away, then crossing her arms in front of her.

" We can do what, Perry? What do you want us to do? "

" Mr. Gordon gave you a day off for your birthday tomorrow, right? "

She narrowed her eyes. How did he know? " He did. "

" Celebrate your birthday with me tomorrow. We'll take it easy. "

" Do I want all of this, Perry? "

" You came to me not just lightly, Della. "

He was right. And spending her birthday with him could be nice. She had confronted him and said what she had wanted to say, and he had taken it in. He'd need some time to process it now, to give it some thought. They could explore the outlines of what still was going on between them. Whatever that was.

" Oh, to hell with it….. I guess you're right. I really don't want to be alone tomorrow. " She brought her hands up in the air, and let them rest on his chest. " But, I'm not going to get used to you again, Perry Mason. And, I'm not staying. "

" I'm not asking you to. " He gave her a small boyish grin, and continued softly, " Yet. "

" Perry! "

" I was joking. Come back in, and I make some phonecalls. I'll get you a hotelroom."

" I already did that myself. " Of course.

" Prepared as usual, aren't you? Well, then just come in to finish your drink. Please? "

They walked back together to his frontdoor at safe distance from eachother, when he suddenly stood still and scratched his neck. He looked at her, with a grimace that held both surprise and question.

Then he laughed.

" What? "

" I closed my frontdoor, and I didn't take a key…"

" You're serious…."

" Yes... "

She chuckled and shook her head. " So, that means? "

" Oh, it will be all right, I'll just have to go downstairs to, you know…"

" …the concierge…"

" Yes. "

" Well, good luck. I'll wait here for you. " Her eyes were smiling up to him, and he suddenly realised how close they were standing together.

" Please do. " His hand reached out to touch her cheek, but she turned her face from him.

" Don't. "

Patience.

" I'll be right back. "