CHAPTER FOUR
BELLA'S POV
Everything was black it was like i was drowning, but I was so far under it was impossible to get back up.
Death. I was dying and there was no way out for me this time, no one here to save me from myself. If only Ed- HE didn't leave because if he didn't none of this would have happened I wouldn't have even touched the drugs. Wait this isn't his fault really it's all mine, he never forced me to take the drugs did he? This was all me and I was stupid enough to end my life this way! I just wish that by some miracle I could have stopped this before it was too late.
It was now too late to get my life back on track and to get my friends back. I miss Alice so much, she was like a sister to me and I can't believe I cut her and the other Cullen's out because Ed- HE didn't want me, even when I'm dying it hurt to say his name. It was like a knife to the heart as I realized that he didn't want me, I mean what changed. You know I kind of knew things would end at some point because why would this beautiful Greek god be with me plain Jane, there was and isn't anything special about me I think I'm the most boring looking person out there.
Arrrr it makes me so angry just thinking about it all, everything that has happened, Ed- HIM leaving, Charlie not wanting me to walking in on Drake and that slut. How stupid am i? why does everyone think they can walk all over me because they can't I am a person with feelings and the only way to take the pain away was the drugs for me they helped me so much but looking back I realized it was a mistake to ever take any of them.
It felt like minutes, hours, days, weeks, years where passing by until It started to lift not by much but it was moving very slowly to slowly for my liking but I was happy because it was lifting.
Time continued and after a while the lift got faster and more noticeable.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.
What the hell is that annoying sound? It was getting louder and louder.
Finally the darkness was lifted and my eyes started to flutter open.
"You're awake? CARLISE." He said.
What, wait he was here?
The last couple of days came crushing back down on me and I could feel the tears fall down and my breathing more labored.
"Bella? Sweetie I'm going to need you to calm down, deep breaths in and out. Can you do that for me?" Carlise said.
I nodded my head not trusting my voice. Finally I calmed down.
"I will be back to check on you later, okay? You need to rest Bella. So everyone out, you can all come back later when she is up for visitors." Carlise said walking out of my room.
I was glad he asked them all to leave because right now I couldn't deal with them, I needed to think but my body was craving for more drugs and I don't know what to do. I was scared and I am scared.
I did the only thing I could think of. I pressed the red button and the nurse came in.
"I need Dr. Cullen. Now." I rushed out.
"Okay dear, calm down." She said walking out to get him.
A few minutes passed and he came walking in.
"Bella. What's wrong?" He asked worried.
"I'm scared Carlise. I need them. I feel like I'm going crazy without them. Please just one, please." I begged.
"I can't I'm sorry Bella. I really am." He said.
"I need help." I said as the tears fell down freely.
"And we are all going to give it to you." He said.
"I can't see them Carlise. I don't think I can do it with them around." I said sadly.
"That's fine. I will help you through this okay, I promise." He said.
"Thank you Carlise, it means so much to me after everything I've done." I said sadly.
"It's fine. I need you to get some rest because tomorrow is the start of going cold turkey, so you will need you're energy. Sleep tight sweetie." He said as he switched the light off and left.
I was glad that the others respected what I wanted and didn't bother me because I don't think I could handle their pity it will only make me hate myself more. Arrr, I just need one drag that's all I asked for. I searched for my phone and texted the only person I knew who would help me.
Hi John, I need to ask a favor but no one else can find out about this!
I will make it worth your time, I just need whatever drugs you got.
I'm in the hospital and they won't let me out. Please.
BellaXx
Five minutes later I got a reply.
Okay I promise not to tell anyone, I will bring you some but I'll come in and give you them then I am gone okay?
John x
John is Drakes and my dealer but to be honest he was more a friend to me and he would do anything for me.
Okay. Thank you so much it means a lot to me.
BellaXx
After I sent the last message I put my phone back over in the cabinet draw. I took Carlise advice and got some rest as John wouldn't be here until tomorrow.
I was having that same nightmare, where I was going to see Drake and I caught him with that other girl but in my dream they both just looked at me with blood red eyes and laughed, saying I was worthless and she stood by and watched him kill me and drain my body of life, that was around the time I woke up screaming and shaking as my tears fell down.
"Bella? Bella? It's just a dream, I need you to calm down Hunny." He said calmingly.
But I just couldn't I couldn't get myself to calm down.
"Jasper, I need your help." Carlise said barely a whisper.
Jasper came in with a frustrated expression and came closer to my side.
"Carlise. It's not working." He said.
"How is that possible it always worked on her." Carlise said confused.
"I don't know." Jasper said even more frustrated.
Just then Edward walked in and came to my side.
I don't know why but he made me feel safe enough to calm down even after everything he still had that effect on me.
"Good girl, deep breaths in and out." Carlise said.
Eventually I calm down enough.
"Why is it after everything he is the only one to be able to calm me down?" I said coldly.
"I don't know and I'm even more confused as to why Jasper's power didn't work on you. Try now Jasper?" Carlise said.
It worked.
"Maybe it was because she was in such a panic that her whole body shut down." Jasper said.
"Maybe." Carlise replied. "Anyways you need your rest try and go back to sleep, Bella. Come on you two out you go." Carlise said as they all left.
I tried to get back to sleep but it just wasn't happening.
Morning finally came and I was still awake I was just glad John was coming.
Buzz Buzz.
I picked my phone up and I had a text.
Hey bells, on way now see you soon .
John xx
I put my phone back down and started to fidget, let's just say I'm not a very patient person.
After what felt like eternity Carlise came in.
"Bella, you have a visitor do you want me to send him away." He asked.
"No it's okay." I rushed out a bit too quickly.
"Erm, okay." He said and left.
"Hey bells, how you feeling?" He said coming over to cuddle me while putting the drugs under the pillow.
"Better." I replied. "Thank you for coming to see me." I said knowing he knew what I meant.
"No problem. I'm just glad you feel better. Anyways I have to get to work before I'm late I might come see you later." He said hugging me goodbye.
"Bye." I said before he left.
Once I was on my own I quickly put the drugs down my bra under the horrible hospital gown and made my way to the toilet.
I put a line of coke out and sniffed it, feeling myself relax as it started doing its job. I sniffed the rest up and went back to the bed where Carlise was there waiting.
"Bella, how are you feeling." He asked.
"Perfect." I said smiling and cuddling him, I then jumped on to the hospital bed.
"Bella. Please tell me you didn't." He asked worried.
"Didn't what." I asked innocently.
"The guy this morning brought you drugs didn't he?" He said angrily.
Shit he was mad, very mad.
"Erm no?" I said but it came out more as a question then an answer.
"That's it NO visitors. I mean it." He said even more angry.
"NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT." I shouted.
"I can and I will." He said calmly.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, NONE OF YOU DO. I NEED THEM, IT HELPS ME." I shouted.
"You don't need them Bella, you may think you do but you don't. now get some rest." He said as he walked out locking the door behind him.
"NO." I shouted banging on the door.
Hours passed and the drugs were wearing off and I had soo much anger in me.
"LET ME THE FUCK OUT." I said banging on the door again.
Arrrrahhh. I picked up the chair and threw it at the door, I started picking other bits up and throwing them. Once I finished I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest as sobs racked throw me.
I don't know how long I sat there sobbing but I didn't notice when Carlise walked in and stood there just staring at me with concern and that pissed me of more.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STAIRING AT. DO YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY ENJOY ME SUFFERING LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FAMILY. ARRRRAHHH I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL." I said as a new lot of tears took over.
I looked back up at Carlise broken face. After a while he left and locked me back in here.
I was going out of my mind, I needed more, I was losing it slowly.
I found a sharp piece of wood from the broken chair and held it to my wrist. This is the only way I kept saying a I pushed it down, as I moved it along the blood trickled down, it wasn't deep enough to harm me but it was diverting my attention to the pain so I wouldn't think about not having the drugs.
I did a few more lines and watched the blood trickling down started to make me feel nauseated, the room started to spin and I could feel the vomit coming so I bent forward and started to throw up.
Carlise chose to walk in at that moment and saw me.
"Oh god Bella." He said picking me up when I managed to stop throwing up and put me on the bed.
He left the room than came back with clean supplies to clean up all the mess. Once he finished he left then came back to my side.
"Please let me help you. I'm not saying it is going to be easy because it won't be and I'm sure you will hate me at times but all I want to do is help and I will take whatever you throw at me. Okay?" He said.
I just nodded my head as he started to clean my cuts and banged them up.