CHAPTER FIVE
BELLA POV
Weeks passed and it felt like I was just getting worse, I felt angry all the time. I hate feeling like this and on a couple of occasions I even tried to kill myself. I mean this isn't me, before all this I would never dream of hurting the Cullen's like I have and I would have never even considered taking my life like I have been trying to do. I've tried so hard but it just isn't working, I just can't get myself out of this because I'm in too deep. The nightmares that I have been having well nightmare because it was always the same nightmare but I just could never wake myself up before it happen, so I have been doing my best to avoid sleeping because that way I wouldn't have to see it all over again and feel the hurt and pain that came along with it. To be honest I looked like death, my skin was too pale, my eyes where dark and had purple bags under them from the lack of sleep and drugs, I even looked too thin from where I was refusing to eat.
Just then Alice walked in with a look of concern, scared, sad and heartbreak. I couldn't look at her because all my emotions went all over the place and it was like I couldn't control them.
"Please." Was all she whispered.
I knew what she meant by it and it broke me up inside, my tears came down faster and I knew what I had to do, if not just for me but for my family too, I had to do this and I will do this. I'm stronger than this, I can do this.
"I'm stronger than this, I can do this." I whispered.
"Yes you are Bella and NEVER and I mean NEVER forget that. We are all here for you and to support you. You're not alone you have all of us and we will get you through this." She said.
"Thank you." I whispered through my sobs.
My tears came down faster and in that moment I knew what I had to do I had to get better for myself and for my family. "I can do this and I will do this." I kept repeating in my head.
Just than the rest of them all came in.
After a couple of hours of Edward, Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett just talk to me, even though I didn't say much they carried on because they knew it was helping me and I was glad they all understand me.
After a while Carlise slipped out and came back in with a tray of food but as soon as I smelt it I litterly ran out of bed to the bathroom and started throwing up even though my stomach was empty.
I walked back into the room and saw all there worried expressions.
"I'm ready." I said to Carlise.
"Maybe we should wait a while." He said.
"Carlise I knew this was going to be hard but I want to try something, even if I do throw it up after at least we tried and we are one step closer. Please." I begged.
"Okay, but take it easy. Okay."
"Okay, I promise." I said.
He put the tray in front of me and the smell was making me gag but I ignored the smell and concentrated on Edward who was sitting next to me smiling in encouragement.
It helped a lot. I picked up the yogurt and put a tiny amount on the spoon, as I lifted the spoon to my mouth I carried on looking at Edwards face.
After I swallowed it I realized it wasn't that bad.
"How do you feel?" Carlise asked concerned.
"Not sick, well yet anyways." I said.
"That's a good sign but we will just leave it at that after." He said.
"Okay."
I actually surprised myself and finished the whole of the little pot of yogurt.
"How are you feeling now? Love." Edward asked.
"Erm, Okay." I said.
"Good, well you need to rest now Bella, so everyone out." Carlise said and I panicked.
"Please, NO." I said my breathing labored. "Don't leave me on my own. Please." I begged.
"I'll stay with her Carlise." Edward said as the rest all left.
"Thank you." I said calming down.
"Sleep my love." Edward whispered into my hair as he kissed me on the head.
I fell into a deep dreamless sleep but I knew it was too good to last and I could feel the pain all over again and I started screaming but this time my eyes never opened and I started to panic which cause me to start hyperventilating.
"Wake up love, it's just a dream. Please open your eyes." I heard my Edward say but my eyes wouldn't do what I wanted them to do instead they stayed closed.
After what felt like days everything went black and I felt numb, I could feel the weight of the darkness pushing me further down. I couldn't let it take me I had to fight and that's what I did and it could have been days passing maybe weeks but eventually I won and my eyes started to flutter open.
"Baby. Your awake. Carlise." Edward said barely a whisper.
Carlise came in at that point and started to check me over.
"Bella you have to talk to us. What happen?" He asked.
The rest of the Cullen's came in and I told them everything that happened since i left to when i came back and about Drake and my nightmare. By the time I had finished Emmett, Jasper and Edward where shaking from anger about what Drake did to me.
"Please, just let it go I have." I lied.
"Yeah and look where it got you." Edward snapped.
"That was below the belt Edward." I said as a few tears escaped.
"I know and I'm sorry I didn't mean it." He said wiping away my tears.
"I know." I whispered.
THREE MONTH LATER
It was three month ago since I told them about what happen and since then they have all been helping me so much. I have to admit I was starting to look healthier, my eyes where brighter and the purple bags where gone, my skin looked less pale, I had more color and I had also gain a bit of weight which was really good. Carlise was impressed with the amount of improvement I have made and he was letting me leave the hospital on two conditions. One – I had to move into the Cullen's house. Two – I had to stay in doors for a few more weeks just so I don't get tempted and slip up.
I had also erased all the numbers I may be tempted to call but to be honest I don't think I will slip up because I'm happy and I have so much support, that they wouldn't ever let me slip up.
Things between me and Edward where better, we talked about everything and we are on the mend, I mean I've not totally forgiven him but in time I will. He stayed with me 24/7, the only times he left my side was when I showered and went to the toilet and I was glad he still stayed around after everything I had done and said but I'm in a much happier place with them all with me.
"Hey bellies, how you feeling today?" Emmett asked just like he did every morning.
"I'm good thanks." I replied.
"I'm glad. I love you lil sis." He said hugging me.
"Love you to bro." I said hugging him back.
"What do you fancy doing today." Alice said bouncing down the stairs and next to me in a second.
"We could watch some movies." I said.
"Ahhh come on I mean you're free to leave the house and you want to stay and watch films." Alice said.
"I'm not….. I just don't think I'm ready."
"You are Bella." Alice said.
"NO. Okay I'm not just leave it." I said running up the stairs and slamming the door behind me.
My breathing started to get labored and I started to panic. Just then the door slammed open and Edward was in front of me trying to calm me down, after a while I calmed right down.
"What happened?" Edward asked.
"I'm scared….. About leaving the house." I whispered.
"That's normal Bella but you have to try I never said it would be easy, this is going to test you every way possible. I'm sorry." Carlise said.
"I know but what if I can't ever do it." I asked.
"You will. It just will take time." He said before leaving with the others.
"I'm always here for you Bella please just talk to me." He asked me.
"I promise." I lied.
Weeks have passed and I could feel myself falling. I could feel myself getting more and more depressed but I couldn't stop it. We tried three times but I failed to even get outside and that's how it started, then I stopped talking to the others. I thought I had beaten it but I obviously hadn't. I needed them but I had no way to get them so I turned to the only solution I could think of.
"Carlise please just one that is all I'm asking for please." I begged.
"Bella, I thought you was passed the worse but begging really? Do you think I'm that stupid to give you any?" He said angrily.
"PLEASE. JUST ONE." I shouted.
"No." He simply said.
I was so mad that once I was in my room and my door locked I began to cry. I walked in to my bathroom and just stood starting at my reflection. I didn't like what I saw I hated the girl staring back at me. I smashed the mirror, all the little pieces of glass fell down leaving my hand a bloody mess, but it didn't bother me the pain I mean it actually helped my mind focus on something else, so until I could get my fix I would have to focus on the pain. I picked up a piece of the broken glass and brought it to my arm slicing from the cress of my elbow to my wrist. The blood was pouring out but I didn't care because I could focus on something other than drugs.
I heard banging from my bedroom door but I just ignored it and wrapped my arm up. A few minutes later Edward came running in and I just snapped.
"Just get the hell out NOW." I shouted.
"What the hell have you done to your arm Bella."
"Nothing, Okay so just get out."
"No not until you tell me what the hell is wrong." He yelled angrily.
"YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW." I shouted.
By now I notice that everyone was in the room.
"Yes." He said simply.
"I CANT DO THIS I NEED SOMETHING ANYTHING, IM SERIOUS I NEED DRUGS EDWARD AND I CANT DO IT, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT THEM." I shouted.
"NO. YOU'ER WRONG YOU CAN DO THIS BELLA YOU CAN." He shouted which shocked us all as he has never shouted before.
"JUST GET THE HELL OUT ALL OF YOU." I shouted but no one moved. "NOW." I shouted again but this time they all left.
I have to get into Carlise office because I know he keep medication in there. That is it I can ask to borrow a book and go in and look for them. I started to plan out what I was going to do but at the same time blocking my thoughts so Alice wouldn't see what I was planning.
After a while of planning, I went down stairs with shaking hands and really sweaty. I was way beyond nervous I was terrified. What if they knew I was up to something? By the time I was downstairs I was nearly having a panic attack but I had to try and calm myself before Jasper noticed.
"Bella are you okay?" Carlise asked.
I tried my best not to get angry and shout.
"Erm fine. I was wondering if I could borrow a book." I asked flatly showing no emotion.
"Sure, go ahead." He said.
I walked upstairs to Carlise office and as soon as I was in there I started to search but I was being careful and quite at the same time after what felt like hours, I finally found a pack of painkillers, they would have to do for now. I put them down my bra and left the office. I jumped as I saw Carlise in front of me.
"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you Bella." He said.
He was looking for something, but what.
"So what book did you get." He asked.
Shit in my haste to find them and get out I forgot the book. Shit.
"Come on lie Bella." A voice said.
"Oh I couldn't find anything for my taste." I said.
"That's it."
"Oh." Was all he said.
I walked off quite quickly and locked my bedroom door behind me.
I got the painkillers out of my bra and put them all in my hand, I swallowed them one by one felling myself relaxes.
After a while I felt happy and carefree. I turned the music I had on to the max and I carried on dancing and singing along to it.
Edward chose to come in at that moment and just stared at me.
I started to feel nauseated and I ran to the bathroom and started to throw up. Once everything was emptied from my stomach, I got up and washed my face with cold water. My hands were shaking violently and I began to fell sweaty and my head was pounding.
"Bella. Are you okay?" Edward asked worried.
Shit I completely forget he was even here and my angry flared.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE, JUST GET OUT AND OF YOU." I shouted as I noticed them all walk in.
"CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, NOT ONE OF YOU TRULY CARE BECAUSE IF YOU DID YOU WOULD GIVE ME WHAT I WANT BUT NONE OF YOU ARE." I shouted.
None of them said anything they just all left and I was glad they did because the tears began to fall and the pain I was feeling was excruciating. I knew what I had to do. I went into the bathroom and got out the broken piece of glass and began on my arms. After I clean myself up I put on a baggy long sleeve top on.
The next day I was awoken by shouting.
"THERE IS NO EXCUSE SHE STOLE FROM ME."
Shit they know what I did. Crap. Just then the door was banged open and a very pissed looking Carlise walked in.
"Why did you do it Bella?" He asked.
"Play innocent Bella don't let them no." A voice said.
What the hell?
"Do what?" I asked confused.
Listening to that voice because I realize that she was helping me or at least I thought she was.
"That good keep lying Bella." That voice said again.
"You stole them painkillers Bella we know you did." Carlise said.
"JUST BECAUSE I HAD A DRUG PROBLEM DOESN'T MEAN I FUCKING TOOK THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT JUST FUCK OFF AND FIND SOME OTHER JUNKIE TO BLAME." I shouted.
Once they all left she spoke again.
"Well done Bella. They actually believe you." She said coming closer to me.
She was quite scary with long blood red hair and bright red eyes, half of her face was burned which made her look even more scary.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
"You are a really convincing liar when you want to be." She said evilly totally ignoring my question.
"Who are you?" I asked again.
"You're worse nightmare." She said before disappearing into thin air.
What the hell?