Notes: You can't imagine how sorry I am for taking so long to update. The corrections took longer than expected, and work's been consuming most of my time...I can just hope that you're still reading, and you'll stick with me for the last chapter that is to come. I promise it'll be a lot sooner than this one!
Special thanks to Kaylen Cooper, Elisima, commppliffy, Lauren, ABundleOfDaydreams, here . at . the . end and Heaven's Archer you have no idea how much your reviews mean to me!
And, as always, a huge thank you to Swing Girl at Heart, who always makes time to correct all my mistakes.
ps. The song is Drunk, by Ed Sheeran.
I want to be good. I can't bear the idea of my soul being hideous.
David Karofsky.
He doesn't recognize the name, but he knows the guy on the picture. The news reporter is talking about gay teens and bad people and suicide.
That could have been me.
He sees himself, pills and alcohol and white powder, and dangerous people and bites and slamming against cold walls in dark alleys. He sees red eyes and dark circles and dry mouth and not enough food nor sleep. He sees the vomit, and the moments of half-consciousness when he thought he wouldn't make it, and didn't even care.
That could have been me.
Because maybe he never thought about committing suicide, but he's been killing himself for a long time now, it was just a matter of time, he could have died in one of those dirty alleys and no one would have noticed. And when they did notice, they would have been glad.
I don't want that to be me.
.
It's been two days since he heard the news and he still hasn't left the room.
He's pacing from one corner to the other, unsure, nervous. His hands are shaking and his throat is dry and the last time he spoke seems too far, far away.
"They told me what you did."
He stops his pacing instantly when he hears the voice, and the soft click of the door closing. He spins around to find Wes staring intensely at him, arms crossed over his chest.
"You should have consulted with me before you did anything. I am still the leader of the Warblers."
Sebastian frowns and looks away. "I told you, you wouldn't like me once you knew me."
Wes laughs softly and leans against the desk, pondering his words.
"They followed you. They saw in you the same thing I still see. I understand why you did what you did. You might think I don't, but I do. You can't imagine the times I've wanted to punch Blaine in the face for leaving us."
Sebastian stares at him, dumbfounded, but doesn't move from the spot where he's rooted in the center of the room.
"You are strong, Sebastian. You are the kind of person who is brave enough to make things happen despite the consequences. That's what they saw, and that's what I see. You have the loyalty Blaine never had."
"I fucked up." Sebastian admits, fists clenched in anger "Everything turned out so fucking wrong, I just..."
Wes smiles slightly and walks up to him, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Soon, David and I are going off to college. The Warblers are going to be a mess – they haven't yet recovered from Blaine and this is going to be a big blow. I know you're the one who's going to put the pieces back together. I knew it when I saw you – you could carry all that weight on your shoulders and never bend. I'm not used to being wrong, so you better get your shit together, and prove that I was right."
.
He never liked Skype as much as he does in this exact moment.
The guy staring at him from the other side of the computer screen is silent for a second, lips pursed in concentration and blue eyes fixed on him.
Then he laughs. It seems like ages since Sebastian has heard a laugh so loud, so carefree, so clear.
"Stop caring so much already."
And just like that, Sebastian understands.
His greatest fear has come true. He cares for them, for Blaine, for the Warblers, for Allen, even for that kid David, whom he knows nothing about. He tries too hard to be good, to be worthy of them, that it was impossible for something good to come out of that.
He's been so scared of life passing him by, that he had forgotten that the thing he loved the most about living was not the fear of dying, but the feeling of being alive.
"Ah, there you are." Mikael says, with a knowing smile "I though I had lost you to the dull small town life."
"Do you remember when we first met?"
Mikael smiles "You were so lost, so numb, it was pathetic, I had to make you jump off a bridge to see if you were alive. And you know the best thing? You jumped."
You've got balls, kid.
"I'd jump again." Sebastian says, and he hasn't been so sure of something since he arrived here.
"Then jump."
So he does. He runs to the only bridge in Lima and stares at the flowing river underneath. It's small and calm, and he could die if he miscalculated just an inch.
He jumps, and when he crashes against the cold water, he feels it. His heart starts to beat again.
Welcome to the world of the living.
.
The door opens silently and he steps into the room.
The guy staring at him from the bed frowns slightly, but he seems more confused than angry, so Sebastian relaxes a little.
"What are you doing here?"
Sebastian bites his lower lip and passes a hand through his hair, trying desperately to find the right words that always seem completely out of his reach.
"I don't usually remember the guys I fuck, much less the guys I reject, but I saw you on the TV and I...I remembered you."
Dave stays silent, and Sebastian just knows that he's messing up again.
"What I'm trying to say is... You seemed like a good guy, you know? I could have ruined you."
"This had nothing to do with you. You can spare yourself the guilt."
Sebastian laughs a little, burying his hands in his pockets. "Guilt is a useless feeling. Regretting something you did in the past won't change your future."
"What are you doing here?" Dave asks again, eyes hard and lips pressed in a thin line.
"I don't know who you were David, or what you did, but those people are not judging you for that. They're judging you for what you are now. It doesn't matter that you changed, because people are always going to judge you, even if you change for the better... And I have a feeling that you have changed for the better."
"How do you know? You have no idea what I did."
Sebastian takes a step forward, but pauses when the smell of meds and sterilizing products becomes too strong.
"I've done bad things too, and I regret nothing. But I don't want to die one day, and the only thing that people remember of me are all the times I fucked up. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"
David remains silent for a moment, but he looks at Sebastian like he understands, like he really has listened, like he knows. Sebastian waits for the retort, for the "you're so hot" or whatever meaningless answer that's obviously coming next, but it never comes. David keeps staring at him like he understands, and he does. So Sebastian shows him how grateful he is the only way he knows how.
Sebastian has never kissed like this, short and chaste, almost just a peck, but he knows that David understands what he means, David seems to understand everything.
"I'm looking forward to see who you'll become." Sebastian whispers when they part.
.
He closes his eyes and feels the rain falling over him and soaking his clothes, until his hair falls over his eyes and he can barely see through the drops of water that hang from his eyelashes.
He smiles, like he hasn't in a while, and spins around, bare feet stepping firmly on the grass underneath him. His smile turns to laughter and it mixes with the roaring of a thunder that lights up the sky.
Suddenly, he can feel the rain wash away all the pain, the fear, the anger and bitterness, leaving him empty, careless and free. This is what Paris did, this is what Paris taught him, this is what he forgot.
He is too young to be so bitter, he is too alive to be so scared.
He is too beautiful to rot like this.
"I wanna be drunk when I wake up, on the right side of the wrong bed, and every excuse I made up, tell you the truth I hate...what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all..."
He laughs as he sings, and spins and spins, and when he finally comes to a stop, there's someone else standing before him.
"You." He breathes, smile never leaving his lips.
"I talked to Wes. You haven't been in Dalton for almost three days."
"And how did you find me?"
"I just happen to always find you." Blaine smiles at him, and offers a spot under the umbrella he's holding.
Sebastian shakes his head and laughs. "There are lots of things I wanted to tell you. I just wasn't sure you'd want to listen."
"I didn't. But I'll listen now."
He wants to kiss him so badly, but he's trying to do things the right way for once, so he says it the only way he knows Blaine will understand. He sings.
"I know I can't heal things with a handshake. You know I can change, as I began saying, you cut me wide open like a landscape. Open bottles of beer but never champagne, to applaud you with the sound that my hands make...Should I? Should I? Maybe I'll get drunk, again to feel a little love."
The umbrella hits the ground somewhere in the middle of the song.
.
"You look different."
Sebastian smiles slightly and tilts his head to the side, taking a single step forward.
"I'm... seventy-two hours clean."
Allen's eyebrow raises slightly in surprise, but he says nothing, and keeps taking long sips from his beer.
The sounds of the bar around them seem to fade slowly, as Sebastian tries to concentrate on the words he wants to say.
"You saved me that day," he says, taking another step forward "You've been trying to save me for a while."
Allen looks away and huffs, but Sebastian only takes another step forward.
"Can we start again?"
"And why the fuck would I want to do that?"
Sebastian bites his lip. Why? Because I'm not the horrible person you think I am. Because that was not me, because I'm worth a second chance, because...
"Because I care about you."
Let's meet again for the first time.
Allen smiles and he seems older, more worn out, his lips are paler, his eyes are darker.
"Let me try to save you like you saved me." Sebastian whispers, taking a final step forward, until Allen's at arm's reach.
"You saved yourself." Allen answers, as he extends his hand for Sebastian to shake it "Just like I knew you would."
I'm glad to finally meet you, Sebastian.