Title: Cries of Unshared Grief

Summary: Someone finally notices Merlin's grief/sadness/guilt when Merlin starts having nightmares.

A/N: I'm baaaack! And I have more angst for you! Thank you to everyone who reviewed or favorited or alerted! I was so happy with the response from this story!

Chapter 2

Sir Gwaine was not an idiot. He didn't often apply himself to thinking, but since he had met Merlin, he had actually had someone to call his friend, and therefore someone who he would think about when said person was being mysterious. And Merlin was certainly being that. Anyone who knew Merlin at all could tell you that Merlin was cheerful, friendly, kind, and outspoken. If they knew Merlin any better they would tell you that yes, Merlin was all of these things, but he was also loyal to the point of ridiculousness, selfless to the extreme, and brave to the point of occasionally suicidal. Gwaine knew all of these things about Merlin, but they couldn't explain why Merlin had been acting so…gloomy. The only things Gwaine could connect to Merlin's gloominess were the lake and Lancelot. Lancelot and Merlin had been very close to each other, but Gwaine knew that Merlin hadn't been this gloomy for a while. There was no immediate explanation. Gwaine sighed and poked the dying fire with a stick. Then he heard it. A sort of whimper behind him. He whipped around, but saw only Merlin, sleeping with his back to the fire. At first Gwaine thought he must have imagined the noise, but it came again and Gwaine realized suddenly that Merlin was the source.

He was twitching and muttering to himself; tears were falling onto his cheeks. Gwaine didn't know what to do. Obviously Merlin was having a nightmare Should he wake him up? Looking at his friend, Gwaine noted the dark circles under his eyes. Perhaps Merlin would come out of his nightmare naturally. Gwaine crouched beside Merlin uncertainly. Merlin continued to cry and mutter. Now Gwaine could make out some of the words.. "No…don't…not…no…I didn't." Gwaine couldn't watch this any more. No one, especially Merlin, should have this kind of suffering forced on them while sleeping.

"Merlin," he whispered cautiously.

"I'm sorry…no don't" Merlin muttered, his face contorting in grief.

"Merlin, come on, wake up," Gwaine whispered. Merlin continued to sob.

"Father…no, don't hurt them!" Merlin's voice rose hysterically. Gwaine heard some other knights stir. "I don't," Merlin moaned.

"Whuzgoion?" came Elyan's voice from his right.

"It's Merlin," Gwaine said, "He's having a nightmare I think."

"Wake him up," Percival said, a bit more eloquently than Elyan had spoken.

"I'm trying. Merlin!"

"Stop it! No! I'm not! I'm sorry!" Merlin was almost yelling now and all the knights were awake. Percival had joined Gwaine at Merlin's side.

"Merlin! Wake up!" Percival said, giving Merlin a little shake.

"Stop it Arthur! Don't! They're not!" Merlin sobbed. Arthur raised his eyebrows, frowning in confusion.

"Merlin wake up! It's alright!" Gwaine practically shouted, shaking Merlin's shoulder. Merlin shot up with an inarticulate yell. Gwaine held his shoulders to steady him, and to his surprise Merlin lashed out at him, struggling viciously to break free. "Merlin, calm down! It's me! It's Gwaine!" Merlin stopped struggling, staring at Gwaine as though seeing him for the first time. He was gasping and sweating. He looked around slowly at the knights surrounding him, all looking concerned. He was still crying, and seemed to notice this suddenly. He rubbed his hands hastily across his cheeks and blinked furiously. He still looked like he was half asleep. Gwaine looked at the other knights. All of them looked awkward and unsure. Eventually Elyan spoke. "Merlin, are you alright?" he asked nervously.

"I'm fine, just-just had a nightmare. You should go back to bed." Merlin gave a small smile. "Wouldn't want you to be hunting tomorrow without sleep."

The knights exchanged looks that seemed to decide that Gwaine would look after Merlin now that he was awake, as Arthur, Percival, Leon, and Elyan returned to their blankets. Gwaine stayed sitting next to Merlin, who was hugging his knees and looking as though he were still trying not to cry. "Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" he asked awkwardly. Merlin shook his head. "Sometimes," Gwaine prompted, "It helps to talk about things that are bothering you."

"Don't I know it," Merlin mumbled.

"Did you dream about your father?" Gwaine asked. Merlin's head shot up and he looked at Gwaine warily. "You were muttering in your sleep," Gwaine explained. Merlin nodded.

"What else did I say?" Merlin asked. Gwaine thought he sounded nervous, more so than would be expected.

"Well," Gwaine suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "You said 'no' a lot. You said you were sorry. You mentioned your father. You said 'don't hurt them' and 'stop it.' And you told Arthur to stop it 'they're not.'" Gwaine finished apologetically. Merlin nodded again and shivered slightly. "Come on, Merlin. You can tell me. I won't tell Princess, or anyone else. What was your nightmare about?"

"Why do you want to know?" Merlin asked somewhat harshly.

"Because you're my friend. And you may not be my only friend anymore, but you're my first friend and my best friend. Friends look after each other and you've been miserable all day, or at least since we saw that lake," Gwaine replied, watching Merlin carefully. Merlin winced slightly as the lake was mentioned, but he didn't speak. He seemed to be thinking carefully. Just as Gwaine was about to say something-anything to break the awkward silence, Merlin opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again and spoke.

"Did Arthur or Gwen ever tell you about my first and best friend?" Gwaine shook his head, surprised by the question. "I'm not surprised They only knew him for a few days and they didn't interact that much. His name was Will. He knew ab - he knew everything about me and we got in so much trouble together. Then there was a man, Kanen, who was attacking Ealdor, demanding crops. Arthur, Gwen, and – and I went to help. Arthur killed Kanen, but as Kanen died he shot at Arthur. Will saved Arthur's life, but he got hit." Merlin rubbed hastily at his eyes, not wanting to start crying again. Gwaine was shocked at this revelation. He knew Lancelot's death had been devastating to Merlin, and Merlin had told him when they first met that he had only known his father for a few days before his father died. Add this and Gwaine was surprised how cheerful Merlin always looked. He didn't know what to say, so he waited for Merlin to speak.

"I saw Will in two of my dreams. I watched him die again." Merlin's voice shook. "And I dreamed about all of them, Will and Fr – all of them. And it was my fault, Gwaine! It was always my fault, because I couldn't save them or I didn't and I can't tell anyone because they'll get hurt or I'll hurt them and I can't do this by myself anymore!" By the end of this speech, Merlin had broken down completely, sobbing into Gwaine's shoulder while Gwaine (thoroughly alarmed) patted him awkwardly on the back. Besides feeling very uncomfortable with having a sobbing Merlin on his shoulder, Gwaine felt horrified by the weight of Merlin's guilt, however unnecessary. After a while Merlin hiccupped himself into silence and sat back up. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"No problem," Gwaine said. "That's what friends are for." Merlin smiled a little, but the smile still faded too quickly for Gwaine's liking. So, Gwaine tried again to make Merlin open up. "So, what was Arthur doing in your dreams?" Merlin's face darkened.

"It could be considered treason for me to say," Merlin said in the tone Gwaine had come to associate with Merlin hiding emotions.

"I won't tell the princess you said it then."

"He killed them. And he was angry at me for letting Lancelot die. And he killed them. They were just four little piles of ash. He killed them just because they knew, and –" Merlin cut himself off and closed his mouth sharply. Gwaine, as previously mentioned, was not an idiot.

"Know what?"

"Um, nothing. Just… stuff, but you should go to bed. I'll take over watch –"

"Merlin, what did 'they' know about you?" Gwaine asked. He was tired, concerned, confused, and exasperated. Most of this had to do with Merlin, and now Merlin was refusing to tell him something important.

"I – I can't. I can't tell anyone," Merlin whispered.

"Why not? Don't you trust me?"

"It's not about that. It's – almost everyone who has known has died, and I don't want to put anyone else in danger."

"Merlin, as I said before, I am your friend. I don't care if it puts me in danger. Just tell me," Gwaine said seriously. Merlin paused, listening for any sign that anyone else might be awake. He didn't hear one. He gulped.

"I'm a warlock."