Title: Cries of Unshared Grief

Summary: By the time you're reading this chapter you probably have a good idea of this.

A/N: I'm back again! Sorry it's been a while, but my system of writing is not very efficient as it consists of writing by hand in a notebook whenever I'm not really paying attention to class and then showing it to my sister and then typing it up. I have also been pretty low on inspiration. I finished this by using sad Youtube videos. Also, this chapter contains my explanation of why Merlin's magic is special, which lots of people have theories about from what I've gathered. Feel free to disagree, but based on the show this is what I think it is. Sort of. It's vague.

Chapter 3

Gwaine stared at Merlin. Merlin looked at Gwaine, trying to gauge his reaction. He supposed it was a good sign that Gwaine's sword was not at his chest. Gwaine kept staring at Merlin. Merlin scratched the back of his neck. Gwaine stared at Merlin some more and Merlin shifted uncomfortably. When Gwaine continued to stare Merlin cleared his throat. "Gwaine?" he said tentatively.

"You're a warlock."

"Yep." It felt odd not to be denying it after so many years of hiding.

"You practice magic."

"Yes."

"In Camelot."

"Where else?"

Gwaine started to laugh. Merlin stared at him. Laughter was the very last thing he had expected. "What?" he asked, a little annoyed.

"Only you, Merlin, would practice magic in a kingdom where magic is punishable by death, would serve the king, and would still be alive," he laughed. "How long have you been practicing?"

Merlin blinked, again surprised by Gwaine's reaction. "I've had magic since I was born. I came to Camelot to learn to control it better." Gwaine looked mildly surprised by this.

"I didn't know that was possible," he admitted.

"As far as I know, I'm the only person to ever have magic at birth, but there are plenty of magic users who have magic naturally. Their magic just usually develops later," Merlin explained, "Having magic naturally is what makes me a warlock, not a sorcerer. There are subtle differences in magic."

"Huh," Gwaine nodded. "You know, thinking about it now, you having magic makes sense. There's no way we could have survived all of those magical attacks without some magic on our side." Before Merlin had time to feel relief at Gwaine's apparent acceptance that Merlin was on their side, Gwaine rambled on. "Who else knows about your magic?" As Merlin's face fell a little, Gwaine remembered suddenly how this most enlightening conversation had started.

"My mother knows of course, and Gaius knows too. Other than that, it's just us," Merlin said.

"That sounds lonely," Gwaine said after a moment.

"It is." There was another pause.

"Who-" Gwaine hesitated. "Who else knew?"

Merlin sighed. "Will knew, and my father knew, and Lancelot, and-" but Merlin cut himself off abruptly.

It was Gwaine's turn to sigh. "You said they were four little piles of ash," he said. "Merlin, who was the fourth person?"

There was a short pause, and then Merlin spoke. "Do you want to know why lakes make me sad?" Gwaine hesitated for a moment before nodding. He hated making Merlin tell him, but he needed to know and Merlin probably needed someone to talk to, even if he didn't realise it.

"A few years ago I met a girl," Merlin began. "She was a druid and she had been captured by a bounty hunter. I rescued her from her cage, hid her in the tunnels under Camelot. I brought her food and candles. We fell in love, but she was cursed. She had been attacked by a man. She killed him by accident, and his mother cursed her to kill forever. At midnight she would transform into a Bastet, a giant cat with wings. She couldn't help herself.

"We were going to leave, get out of Camelot. Her home had been next to a lake." Merlin looked at Gwaine "with mountains and wildflowers. I told her about Ealdor, a few fields, a couple of cows." Merlin's smile was unbearably bittersweet. "So we were going to go somewhere far away that was like both of our homes. Just the two of us, forget destiny and responsibility. But the night before we were going to leave, she transformed and Arthur and the knights found her. She was trying to run away. She thought my life in Camelot was too good to throw away for her." Merlin shook his head ruefully.

"Arthur wounded her as a Bastet and when she became human the wound was fatal. She thought I would hate her when I found out she was cursed, but I didn't. I tried to save her, and I failed. I've never been very good at healing." Merlin swallowed, realising how true that was. "So I brought her to a lake, one with mountains and flowers. It was the Lake of Avalon. I put her in a boat and I set it on fire. She was the only woman I ever loved and one of my best friends killed her, and I can't even be that angry at him." Merlin's eyes were red and his cheeks were wet by the end of his story.

Gwaine didn't really know what to say, so instead he reached over and hugged Merlin tightly. Several minutes later Merlin wriggled out of Gwaine's arms. His eyes were very red. "I saw her again," he said suddenly. Gwaine looked at him, confusion in surprise written on his face. "When Morgana had Camelot and we were hiding in that cave, she came. Long story about how, but she came and I got to talk to her. She promised me before – well, she promised to repay me for making her feel loved and she did. She gave me a sword that could kill the immortal army. A sword forged in the dragon's breath." Gwaine added this to his rapidly growing list of questions to ask Merlin. "It's just…I miss her. And I'm so happy for Arthur and Gwen, but looking at them just reminds me of her, of what we could have been. I was going to throw away everything just to be with her, someone who could understand me, no more lying and sneaking around, no more destiny to look after, just two people in love." Suddenly Merlin's face and voice hardened. "But no, my stupid prat of a destiny just had to get in the way. Gwaine," he said suddenly, turning to look at him, "Don't ever have a big important destiny. I do not recommend it. Ever. It just gets in the way of everything you want."

Gwaine had always been one to speak without thinking, and even though he felt that something comforting and kind would be the best thing for Merlin right now, he said, "What's this destiny of yours?"

"Arthur," was Merlin's immediate response. Looking at his friend's face, Gwaine saw a mixture of resignation, ironic humor, and pride. "Arthur is going to be the greatest king Camelot has ever known. He will bring back magic and unite the land of Albion. It is my destiny to be at his side, protecting him."

"The princess is going to do all that?" Gwaine asked, shocked. Of course, on reflection it wasn't really shocking. Gwaine knew Arthur was a good man, but this was quite a bit of greatness Merlin was expecting here.

Merlin's response was confident, proud, definite. "Yes," he said. Then his face fell a little. "Well, maybe. The bit about bringing back magic doesn't seem all that likely now, after…." He trailed off looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"After that sorcerer killed Uther," Gwaine said.

"Yeah, um… Gwaine?" Merlin said nervously.

"Merlin," Gwaine said warily, "did you know what that sorcerer would do?"

"Well, er, there was a pendant Morgana had planted on Uther. It was used to reverse any healing magic used on him. The sorcerer really tried to heal Uther. He didn't want him to die."

"Merlin," Gwaine started, dreading the answer, "How do you know so much?"

Merlin grimaced. How best to put this… "Gwaine, can you imagine what I'd look like in about sixty years? Well the answer is yes, you can. Cause, erm, I'm Dragoon the Great. I took an aging potion to disguise myself."

Gwaine looked at Merlin in shock. "You're Dragoon." He paused, remembering his last encounter with the old Merlin. "Merlin! That-", but Merlin cut him off.

"I know. I'm sorry! I had to get to Morgana to stop myself from killing Arthur, long story." Gwaine looked bewildered, but nodded at Merlin's explanation. After a moment to absorb this new information, Gwaine spoke again.

"So, Dragoon," Gwaine began, but Merlin cut him off again.

"I hate some of the things I've done as Dragoon. Killing Arthur's father, almost killing Morgana. Again," he added. His voice sounded so miserable as he spoke.

"Merlin-"

"I know how Arthur felt when his father died, Gwaine, and I know it was my fault. My father died in my arms the day after I met him when he saved my life. If it weren't for me, I would never have met him and he would never have died!" Merlin said, clearly struggling not to break down again. Gwaine opened his mouth with the intention of saying something comforting, but closed it again, unable to find any words. He wanted to ask about Merlin's father and how Merlin could possibly be responsible, but he couldn't bring himself to make Merlin look any more miserable than he already did. Then Merlin told Gwaine, without Gwaine having to ask. He told Gwaine all about the Great Dragon, Kilgharrah, and about dragon lords and the bitterness of Uther and Balinor. By the end of Merlin's story, Gwaine could think of nothing to do but to enfold Merlin in his arms again.

"I'm sorry," Gwaine said softly. "I wish someone could have been there for you." They stayed like that for a while, two friends, one comforting the other. "Merlin, you don't blame yourself, do you?" Gwaine asked after a moment. Looking up, Merlin saw how worried Gwaine looked. He tried to deny blaming himself, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"It's my fault," he said desperately, "If I had been quicker, more skilled, found another way, I could have saved them, all of them, even Morgana. But I didn't, and they suffered for it."

"No." Gwaine's voice was so firm that Merlin started. "Merlin, you are not to blame for any of their deaths. Or choices. You did your best and no one can expect more from you than you've already done." When Merlin still looked doubtful Gwaine continued. "I have a feeling that we," he gestured at the knights, "would be dead without you. Am I right?"

"Well, Arthur would be dead a few hundred times. You would probably still be wandering around taverns. If you had never met me, your life wouldn't have needed saving most likely. I don't know where Percival would be. Leon would probably be dead. I have no idea about Elyan. Possibly dead."

"What about Gwen?" Gwaine asked.

Merlin thought for a moment. "She would probably be dead," he admitted.

"And Gaius?"

"I've saved his life too, but-"

"No buts Merlin! You aren't to blame for any of this. It's not your fault."

"You really believe that?" Merlin asked, his face showing emotions ranging from doubt to hope to relief. "You don't, you know, hate me for having magic and lying to you all this time?"

"There's nothing to hate," Gwaine said confidently. He grinned as Merlin also grinned fully for the first time since he'd woken up from his nightmares.

"And you won't tell Arthur?"

"Not unless you want me to," Gwaine replied. Merlin smiled again.

"Thank you Gwaine. I want to tell Arthur, but I just…he hates magic now and I just don't know how to do it."

"Well, at least you've got me now. Speaking of which, you are going to tell me about every time you have used magic for something amazing and brave and about the smaller instances in between."

"Every time?"

"Yes."

"That would take a long time. I've saved Arthur's life more times than I can count and that's only part of everything."

"Well, we'll start some other time. You look dead on your feet as it is. You should get a good night's sleep. One last thing first though," he said as Merlin started to get up. Merlin raised his eyebrows. "Can you turn Arthur into a frog just before training?" At this Merlin grinned more widely than he had all day. They laughed quietly.

"You two are both idiots," came a voice from behind them. Their laughter stopped abruptly.

A/N: Ooooh another cliffy! Finally finished the chapter at midnight! Hooray! Sorry if it was a bit too dialoguey. Thank you everyone who stayed with me despite this taking so long and as always PLEASE REVIEW!