Losing Myself

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter in any way, shape or form…except for the 10 books that I bought…and the many DVDS…and posters…and T-shirts…and video games…and…legos…figurines…well I think you get the picture.

CHAPTER 3: No

I followed him silently, my heart was pounding against my ribcage fast. I tried to control my breathing and keep my bottom lip from trembling. What are you doing? Are you a scared little girl? Fight it! The words came into my head catching me unaware, I almost began to cry when I remembered those words. I internally shook myself, I had to snap out of it, I unconsciously raised my chin a bit higher and made sure that my expression betrayed no emotion. We stopped and I realized we had arrived. The doors into the room were large and black. A seemingly massive handle, which appeared to be a snake, curved around and appeared as if it were glaring at whoever attempted to open it. I gulped and squeezed my eyes shut once before opening them and taking a deep breath. He opened the door. Inside, each side of the room was filled with people wearing the uniform of his followers, I tried to avoid the eyes of each and every one of them, but they did not avoid mine. They blatantly stared out at me from beneath the black hoods, cold interest was evident in their gazes.

"My friends! We are gathered for the trial of Bellatrix Lestrange!" He exclaimed. At his words an excited tension overtook the room. The air was filled with whispers and various cries of hate were thrown in my direction.

"She has committed a heinous crime! She has lowered herself to the levels of a blood traitor!" He paused and the room was filled with cries of outrage. I closed my eyes, fought the urge to bow my head and admit defeat. When I opened them there were still people staring at me.

"For this crime, my friends, we have prepared a punishment especially for her! Bring him forth Rudolphus!" He demanded, the room went completely silent. I saw Rudolphus move toward the other set of doors directly across from me. My heart raced but I stood my ground. As the doors opened I gasped and stared in horror at who was being pulled through the door.

"No…" I whispered. The man stood before me, his arms bound behind his back and he was blindfolded.

"Yes Bellatrix. I save only the best punishment for my favorites" He whispered in my ear. I shuddered and struggled to move forward. He made a disapproving noise from behind me before moving towards the man.

"Behold! The man behind her crimes!" He exclaimed before ripping off the man's blindfold. He opened his eyes and looked around before he saw me. There was instant recognition in his eyes. I shook my head, willing him to stay silent.

"Bellatrix…" he whispered despairingly. I closed my eyes and felt silent tears roll down my cheeks, betraying my emotions. I heard the crowd gasp, I ignored them opening my eyes again. This time he was glaring at the Dark Lord. I had the insane urge to laugh. I really was losing my mind.

"Oh! I think this is some proof, dear Bella! Is it just me or is there a spark of recognition in those eyes!" He said before grabbing the man's face and making it face me.

"Look at this face, boy. Remember it! This is the face of the person who will cause you tremendous pain my boy, she has no mercy!" He whispered into the man's ear, loud enough for us to hear but still whispered. I shook my head, willing him not to believe the Dark Lord's words. He released the man from his grip and walked towards me; he raised his wand slowly and pointed.

"Bellatrix…this is your punishment! Imperio!" He cried. I shuddered as I felt the spell begin to affect me. My mind grew dark and I felt my consciousness swim before my eyes.

"Rudolphus, her wand" I heard him say. I felt my wand being pressed into my hand; I grasped it automatically before his voice blossomed in my mind. Good, now. Torture him. He deserves it remember? After all, he is a Blood Traitor. I felt myself nod absently; there was reason in his words. Yes, he deserves it. Now!

"Don't do it Bellatrix! You can't! Don't!" the man cried. Inside I was being tortured, I was screaming at myself. I kept moving forward though, shaking as I did so. I was only a few feet from him now; I raised my wand and pointed it at him.

"Bellatrix! Stop! You know me Bellatrix! It's Gideon! You know me!" He said desperately. My wand hand wavered. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and I shuddered.

"I know. Forgive me" I said in a brief moment while I was in possession of my actions. NOW! The voice roared in my mind. I gasped and time slowed as I said that six lettered word that could cause so much harm.

"Crucio" I whispered. The result was immediate, my eyes widened as I saw Gideon begin to writhe in pain, and my tears flowed continuously. My mind was in uproar. All I could think was No! Not Gideon! My heart broke as I looked into his eyes. I watched as I tortured him, his body bending into unnatural positions, a pained scream leaving his lips.

"Enough!" I hear the Dark Lord say. I stopped and saw as Gideon slumped, unconscious, to the floor. I shuddered and my legs folded beneath me, I held my head in my hands and shook as sobs wracked my body.

"This is only the beginning of pain dear Bellatrix" He whispered in my ear.

"Her punishment has not yet finished, but! You are not required for the rest of the night. Leave" he said to the room full of Death Eaters. They bowed and there were murmurs of 'My Lord' as they left the room. It was now empty except for me, the Dark Lord, Gideon and five others. I saw Gideon begin to stir, and I curled up.

"Now, now Bellatrix. You mustn't hide yourself from your love" he said to me, before muttering Imperio. I felt myself stand and raise my wand again.

"Stop this!" I whispered before his voice sounded in my mind again.

"Crucio" I said. I saw Gideon shake his head again before it fell back and a scream was wrenched from his throat. I turned my head and saw the Dark Lord smiling at me. It was unnatural, more a bearing of teeth in approval than a smile. Gideon was still on the floor, being thrown about limply. The scream was faint now, but it was being made unconsciously, of that I was sure.

"Stop" He whispered in my ear. I slumped again, this time I crawled to Gideon. He was on his side and his breathing was shallow. My tears fell on his clothes and I cried as I held him. I felt someone attempt to pry me away from him.

"NO!" I screamed. I felt the hands draw back from me and heard him tell them to leave me.

"Leave her now. We shall continue this tomorrow, let us leave her with a false sense of hope" I could hear the sneer in his voice. The doors shut quietly behind them but first I heard one last thing.

"I will return tomorrow Bellatrix. Do not attempt to escape" he said coldly. I felt Gideon stir beneath me and I cried harder. He sat up, wincing, and took hold of my face. He looked me in the eyes before he pulled me forward into his arms. I collapsed into his embrace and he rocked me as I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm losing my mind Gideon" I whispered a little while later.

"He is controlling me, it's taking over me" I continued. I felt him shake his head and stroke my hair.

"Stay strong Trixie" he said quietly. I held out my left arm and saw the Dark Mark, I closed my eyes and bit my lip, trying to hold back a hysterical sob.

"Shh, it's ok, I understand" he said to me as he pushed my arm down and held me tighter. I don't know how long we sat there together, comforting each other. We both jumped as the doors were pushed open with a band and five men came in and ripped him away from me.

"No!" I sobbed. My words were quiet and muffled by my tears; I slumped in defeat as he was carried away from me.

"Bellatrix!" He yelled. I attempted to go after him but I felt ropes come around me. I fell to the floor and looked up. Sure enough he was standing above me.

"I lied" he said. I let out one more feeble noise in disagreement before the world went black.

Hiya! Sorry I forgot to put in the authors note before I uploaded this chapter, but I thought that as I haven't updated in a while, as I promised I would do, you all deserved it haha :)

Well I hope that you all enjoyed it, sorry if it gets a bit repetitive, I didn't mean to! lol

I'd like to thank my friend Annika for looking over the past few chapters for me, even though it was sort of her fault that this came in so late *glares*, but I must be grateful or else she'll attack me with her Methods Book :D haha

anyway. I'm currently working on the next chapter, which I'm hoping will be longer, and I'll try and have it up next week. In the mean time, don't forget to Review, I love reviews peoples, they make my day :)

Ok, well I hope you enjoyed this chapter,

Thanks for reading

Mez :)