XVI

Looking Back

"Alexander, how long have you been living here?"

Daniel fished out two more chemistry volumes from the shelf and joined Alexander by his desk. The baron took out a thin notebook, handed it to Daniel as he handed Alexander the volumes, and opened the first one on a specific page before replying. Daniel waited patiently: Alexander was deeply immersed in his work.

"At least fifty years now," he replied. "I wouldn't call any other place but this my home. I always fancied living in this kind of place as a child, to be frank, and it in fact became my home when I was thirteen."

Daniel settled down onto a chair, his eyes wide in amazement, smiling. "By Jove, that's astounding! Were you on your own?"

"No, fortunately," Alexander said, "since I had my servants to keep my company. My parents died in an accident and so, I was left to fend for myself. It didn't really trouble me, being on my own: I found it relaxing. I used to go out at night and explore this place: I know every secret it could've held in its day."

"It sounds like an interesting life. I'm sure you had many responsibilities, no doubt," said Daniel, "but I always wanted to lead a life like that. Both my sister and I have always wanted to be independent, climb up the ladder on our own."

"Oh? And what's your life been like, Daniel?" asked Alexander. There was a curious and amused look to him, and his eyes sparkled behind his glasses. Daniel cast a sad look at the notebook he was holding, hesitating. "Forgive me; I hope I haven't touched upon any delicate matter."

"Oh, not at all," Daniel quickly replied, gesturing nervously in defence. "It's just… I thought about London. I guess I still feel a bit homesick." He lifted his gaze up at the baron. "My parents live apart: my mother travelled to the Americas whilst my father stayed with Hazel and me. When I found Herbert and he took me in as his student, I felt as if I'd escape from some horrendous nightmare."

Alexander's brow creased. "You make it sound dismal."

"Because it was!" Daniel stated. "God knows I still love my father, but at that time I had the worst of his bitterness. He drank, he beat me regularly and my sister from time to time, and I could never ask anything of him." He sighed. "It's not too pleasant to recall such events, but I feel a bit lighter every time I do. Thank you for asking, Alexander."

The baron smiled. "You're welcome, but I still feel like I pushed you a bit too far."

"It's alright: sometimes, talking about this kind of thing works wonders, even though you don't believe it at first."

"And your sister, Hazel, how is she like?"

Daniel smile at just the thought of her. "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. She's ten years my junior, she looks… a bit like me, but we're really worlds apart. She… contracted tuberculosis when she was eight, sadly. She was admitted at the hospice a year later, and the doctors say her condition is getting better." Daniel couldn't stifle a shudder. "She's lived three years more than expected."

Alexander looked relieved. "That's wonderful to hear. She's a strong girl."

"I suppose she took after my mother in that aspect," Daniel said, shrugging. "Hazel pushed me to take the trip to Algeria: it would be my bridge to getting a job at the Museum. Still, she did chastise me for going away for so long."

"You didn't tell her you'd stay here?" asked Alexander, cocking an eyebrow.

"Not with the Shadow behind me," Daniel replied, anxious. "I wouldn't forgive myself if I put her in harm's way. No, she'd better not know until I return."

A moment of silence went by before Alexander spoke again. "Tell me something, Daniel: have you ever felt as if you had everything and yet nothing?"

Daniel perked up his head in alarm as Alexander rose from his chair. "Alexander… W-why are you asking me this?"

The baron's countenance changed; with no other word, Alexander left his study. Daniel jumped to his feet, literally knocking the chair over, and rushed out to search for Alexander. "Alexander, just-!" Daniel sighed, desisting. Lowering his head, he walked up the corridor, back to the guest room. He felt even worse after seeing Alexander so upset?

"Have you ever felt as if you had everything and yet nothing?"

Oh, Alexander, thousands of times. I've never had anything in the first place, but then everything seemed within my reach… only so that it slipped away again. I hope you tell me someday.

"What have they taken from you?"

"Everything."