11-Zuko's Feelings

I almost kissed her.

Those four words echoed in Zuko's mind like a broken record. And it bothered him…for many reasons. But there was one that stuck in his mind, made him ponder what was happening to him.

He had wanted that kiss, craved it. It had been only months since the death of Mai, and already he wanted to be with another woman. A woman who happened to be one of his closest friends. And now, Katara was invading his every thought, her beauty, her warmth. It was if she had taken permanent residence inside his brain. And it bothered him.

He recalled that day, that evening more like. It replayed in his mind constantly. Katara had accepted his hand, willingly, accepted him. And everything just felt right…until that bald monk came in.

At first Zuko felt ashamed even though technically, nothing had happened. But Aang took no notice, not to either of them, or what could have happened. Aang's face was blank when he walked in. He greeted Zuko warmly, gave Katara a swift kiss on the cheek, dropped his belongings on the floor and left the room; almost as quickly as when he had entered.

Zuko left moments after him. But the image of Katara's face remained burned in his mind. How she looked before they both gave in…and her disappointment when he left. She wanted him too…he could feel it.

Frustrated now, Zuko sat up from his bed quickly, trying to abandon his thoughts. But he knew it wouldn't work. As he shuffled through his things looking for something to wear, Katara wandered into his mind once again. He should've talked to her, told her how he felt. But for the remaining week, they barely spoke. And Aang obviously still containing some naïveté had no clue where Zuko's thoughts had been lingering, or how he had been hurting Katara.

And now, he found new feelings surfacing towards Aang. Every time he saw the avatar, he couldn't help thinking what he's taking advantage of. He gets the love of a wonderful woman…does he know it? Does he appreciate it? Zuko didn't think so. Katara was right about her suspicions. He was distancing himself from her. He saw it throughout the week, his vague responses towards her, his distant stares. He was no longer the kid that adored her. And Zuko couldn't help thinking, he, himself, could be better for her.

He dressed in silence, surprised that no one had bothered him yet. After all, he woke up rather late. But he took care in his attire. Today was, after all the wedding.

"Aang! How much time left?"

"Just a little under an hour, Sokka," Aang replied, adjusting his formal air nomad robes. "Are you okay? You look a little sick…" he asked, glancing over at him.

"I'm fine!" he squeaked, running over to an open window in the room and sticking his head out. "Why is it so hot in here?"

"I'm comfortable," Hakoda said from his seat in the corner.

"Me too," Aang said, sitting cross-legged on the floor opposite Hakoda.

"Sokka, it's okay to be a little nervous before getting married. When I was about to marry your mother, I was a wreck!" Hakoda said chuckling.

Sokka glanced over at his father. "Really?"

"Of course, it happens to every man. You just have to…"

The sound of the door interrupted him, and Zuko slipped into the tiny room with the rest of the men.

"Hey Zuko," Aang greeted.

"Hey," he responded, trying to keep his voice level. As his eyes moved across the room and spotted Sokka, he frowned. "Uh…Sokka? What's wrong?"

"Just needed some air," Sokka muttered, his head once again out of the window.

"Wouldn't standing next to the window be sufficient?"

"Sokka's just having some pre-wedding jitters, right son?" Hakoda cut in. Sokka merely nodded, now looking a little nauseous.

"C'mon Sokka you'll be fine," Aang said, standing and walking towards him. "You love Suki right?"

Sokka cleared his throat to keep it from squeaking again. "Of course."

"Why?" Aang questioned.

"Why?" Sokka echoed, bringing his head back inside and staring at Aang in shock. "Why wouldn't I? She's beautiful, she's smart, she's a great fighter, she likes my jokes…"

"Tolerates more like," Zuko interrupted.

Sokka flashed a face at him before continuing, ignoring his laughing father.

"She's perfect, I love everything about her."

"Then you have no reason to be nervous, Sokka," Aang reasoned. "If you feel you are doing the right thing, then the wedding will be great, and you both will live wonderful lives together."

Zuko stared at him, inwardly questioning his words. How could he know so much about love when he couldn't even treat Katara properly?

"What about…tonight though…?" Sokka questioned, his cheeks reddening. "What if I'm not enough for her?"

Hakoda chuckled heartily, and stood as well. He placed his hands on his son's shoulders. Now that the years have passed, they were eye level.

"Don't worry about that son, you will know exactly what to do, and it will be a night you will never forget."

Sokka sighed and straightened his clothes. "I hope so."

"Don't worry Sokka, everything will be fine," Aang said.

"Well I guess you'll be fine when you get married huh?" he said smirking at Aang.

"Married? Oh, I don't know about that…" Aang muttered, averting his eyes to the open window.

"Well I know Katara's dying to get married," Sokka said absentmindedly, fixing his traditional wolf tail.

Zuko stayed silent throughout the conversation, staring at Aang, trying to read his expression. Being both an avatar and an airbender, he was able to master his expression. But still it looked to Zuko like he was hiding something.

"Well guys, it's about time!" Hakoda said happily, making Sokka moan from nerves. "Your bride is waiting." He smiled and took the lead, leaving the other three men to follow.

There ceremony went by quickly, almost like a blur to Zuko. He found himself spacing out, and next thing he knew, Suki and Sokka were kissing passionately under a beautiful ice sculpture crafted by Master Pakku, and he was on his feet clapping. He almost hadn't come to the wedding at all; naturally, weddings reminded him horribly of Mai. And being Fire Lord, he could have made up an excuse. But he wanted to support his friends, the people who years ago had no reason to trust him, but did anyway.

He felt his lips curve upward in a smile, his claps becoming more enthusiastic as the newly married couple passed him by. He truly was happy for them, even though on the inside he was so conflicted.

A few minutes later, Zuko found himself at the reception, sitting in front of a plate of food that he no longer wanted. What was wrong with him? At first he blamed his grief over Mai; a wedding had been hard on him. His eyes moved to Sokka and Suki, the former of which was testing a variety of dance moves on Suki who giggled and tried to keep up with them. When she decided to take the lead, they managed to find a good balance with each other. They swayed to the music, and stared into each other's eyes like no one else was in the room with them.

It made him think horribly of his first dance with Mai, how beautiful she looked. His heart ached for her. But it also ached for another. His eyes wandered over to Katara, danced with her father a few feet away. She looked happy; it warmed him to see her smile up at Hakoda. She looked absolutely beautiful at the ceremony; she stood next to Suki, her face swelled with pride at the sight of her newly married brother.

He had watched Aang during the ceremony as well, who had stood next to Sokka. Unlike the Katara though, he looked distant, as if there was something else weighing on his mind. He went through the motions well enough, but he wasn't there. And he didn't appear to here now, which seemed to comfort him. Every time he saw him, he felt a pang of envy. The room suddenly felt too crowded, just as it had when his friends first arrived at his palace. Feeling his head starting to spin, he rose and left the room, entering the chilly night air.

Finding a spot against the building to lean on, he glanced up at the moon, which was shining full and bright. Even the moon managed to make him think about Katara. He hated the way she invaded his thoughts. He hated how she was so close to him, yet far away from his grasp.

He wanted to talk to her about the other night, confess his feelings. But would it be right? He knew she was with Aang, but she must have felt something for him, otherwise she would have backed away from his initiation. If only Aang hadn't interrupted…He held his head down and rubbed his temples.

"Zuko?"

The voice made him snap his head up. She walked over to him, looking absolutely stunning in her dress, her eyes brightened with her smile. He couldn't help returning it warmly.

"Hey."

"Are you okay? Why are you out here all alone?" she questioned, standing right next to him. Close, but not as close as she had been that night.

"I just needed some air."

Katara nodded in understanding. She sighed quietly, her gaze focused on the ground in front of them. Zuko looked at her, almost mesmerized by her beauty. He had to say something, before he talked himself out of it.

"Hey Katara?"

She looked over at the sound of Zuko's voice.

"You…uh…look really nice tonight."

She smiled warmly. "Thanks Zuko, so do you."

Zuko shuffled his feet. "Listen Katara…"

Her eyes met his once again, their bright color and beautiful shape almost distracting him from what he was trying to say. He had her full attention; he almost didn't want this moment to end. But he continued, knowing he would never get it out if he didn't try now.

"About the other night…I was thinking…I…" he stopped, noticing that Katara was no longer looking at him. Her inquisitive expression turned into one of curiosity, then a frown. Zuko followed her line of sight. Her eyes were glued to Aang, who appeared to be receiving a message. He smiled when he read it, then with a swift turn, he left, retreating to the guest rooms. Zuko looked back towards Katara, the frown still plain on her face.

"I'm sorry Zuko, I'll be right back," she muttered, moving down the same path Aang had taken. She left too quickly to hear him mutter a quiet, "Okay."

Disappointment surged through him as he watched her walk away. He was leaving tomorrow morning to return to the Fire Nation. If he couldn't talk to her now, when could he? He averted his vision to the ground once more, his mind filled with negative thoughts. It was probably for the best that this happened. No matter how much he wanted to, he knew he shouldn't be pursuing her. He was better off alone.