Hey guys. Sorry I didn`t update yesterday or anything; i`d added a new chapter to one of my other Klaine stories that i`d put on hold because i`ve been going so hard on this one. And also just a lot has been going on lately. I almost ended up diving off the deep end tonight and didn`t make it through; but instead i broke down crying and beat on my new punching bag so hard my knuckles have skin missing and are bleeding and bruised. Yay, a writer/artists`/piano player`s dream- bruised up knuckles... Just perfect.
Oh well... Could have been worse. But yeah. I`m okay now, so it`s fine. But I`m rambling about stuff nobody probably cares about, heh. So here`s your chapter. Thanks.
Blaine stared at Kurt in shock, the words ringing through his ears over and over again. He couldn`t register it properly, and part of him thought it was all some kind of joke.
`...What?`
Kurt just looked at the cheque again, then swallowed.
`That`s what it says...`
Blaine shook his head, standing.
`How in the hell did Dad take ten thousand dollars from me? How did I even HAVE ten thousand dollars?`
Kurt looked at the letter and sucked on his lip gently.
`Well, the letter your mom wrote says that it was written in a will to you- but when it was sent after the death of the person who had written it, since you were young, you didn`t have a bank account, so your dad stashed it all away in savings. But it was a joint savings between your dad and mom, so she gave it back to you.`
Blaine nodded numbly. Who had died that would have left him ten thousand dollars? He rubbed his temples, his head throbbing.
`I don`t even know what to DO with that much money...`
Kurt and Carole just looked at each other, and then back at Blaine. Blaine sighed, taking it from Kurt and throwing it on the desk. He turned around and laid down on the bed, curling up against a pillow and Kurt just sighed sadly. Blaine didn`t need to have to deal with his mom right now, he was dealing with too much already. Both of them were. He looked at Carole, nodding his head to the door and she just nodded, leaving, closing the door behind her. Kurt gently padded over to the bed, laying down behind Blaine.
He lifted his fingers and placed them at his shoulders, drawing them up lightly and playing with the soft curls at the nape of his neck. Blaine sighed, losing tension in his body and shivered at the touch. A small smile played on Kurt`s lips as he drew circles down Blaine`s spine and he could practically hear Blaine purr. He moved closer, pressing his body against Blaine`s, leaning in and peppering Blaine`s neck with sweet kisses. Blaine sighed, a smile coming to his mouth; Kurt was so perfect. He gasped gently as he felt Kurt tentatively lick Blaine`s neck and then gently suck the pulse point. Blaine bit his lip to keep from making any sound as Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine`s waist, running his hands over his chest and stomach. Blaine tilted his head, giving Kurt a bit more access to his neck, and Kurt bit down gently, and Blaine`s eyes shot open, and he let out a soft moan. Kurt leaned up, licking at the shell of his ear. He leaned back down behind him and nuzzled his face into the back of Blaine`s neck sweetly.
`I`m going to stop there. I`m not ready for more yet. I wish i could make you feel good to make you forget everything but that`s all I can do... I`m sorry, Blaine...` Sadness dripped from Kurt`s voice and Blaine laughed, rolling over to face Kurt, nuzzling his nose against his, then scooting down to bury his face into Kurt`s neck, nuzzled sweetly under Kurt`s chin. Kurt smile, reaching up and petting Blaine`s hair, rolling his hand down occasionally to rub his back, and Blaine rubbed circles into Kurt`s shoulderblades and down his back, onto his waist and hips.
`Kurt,`Blaine breathed softly, `Don`t apologise. It made me smile. You`re perfect. Thank you.`
Kurt smiled holding Blaine tighter, happy with himself that he made Blaine happy-even if only for a moment.
Kurt`s eyes fluttered open slowly. He groaned gently, sitting up; he hadn`t even realized he`d fallen asleep. He shot a glance at the clock, realizing it was 1:45 pm. He sighed, then looked over to see Blaine curled up in the blankets and he smiled. He kissed him on the forehead gently and got out of the bed, walking to his bookshelf to grab something to read until he woke up. He blinked when he saw an unfamiliar black, silver-bound book. He knew Blaine had put some of his books on this shelf; he wondered what this would be. He grabbed it, and tendered it in his hands; there was no writing on the front, nor back. He opened it up and looked at the first page.
March 10, 2010.
I got a call from my dad today. He was angry that i`d lied to him about being in the Warblers; but i`m not quitting. I finally found something that makes me at least somewhat happy.
Kurt gasped, looking away from the book; this was Blaine`s journal. These were his private thoughts, his getaway from everything he didn`t want to say. Kurt bit his lip.
Everything Kurt wish he knew.
Kurt shook his head, closing the book and putting it on the shelf. He couldn`t do that to Blaine. He couldn`t betray his trust by giving in to curiosity. He turned and walked out the room to go downstairs instead, finding himself something to eat. He hadn`t gotten the chance since he had fallen asleep with Blaine again after the whole mom incident. He padded his way into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out some strawberries. He put them in a bowl and washed them, sitting at the table and eating them delicately, thinking to himself.
Thinking about the journal.
He sighed slowly. He couldn`t help it; what if Blaine had written about him in there? They met in the year 2010; who knows. Maybe Blaine felt something, or even just mentioned in the journal that he`d met Kurt. Kurt smiled to himself; that`d be nice if he did... Kurt glared at the strawberries, biting down on one of them hard. He shook his head, trying to throw the thoughts away. He couldn`t look into it. He couldn`t.
He glanced up again, thinking towards the ceiling now.
There were two black silver-bound books. Did Blaine have two journals? Was one of them from more of his past and full of when he was younger? Kurt looked at the table again, chewing slowly, solemnly. Coming out at school... Bullying... The beating at the Sadie Hawkins Dance. His dad`s treatment...
What went on around him when the cutting all started.
Kurt took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes. There was so much in those books that he could know if he just read them. But he couldn`t. He could only imagine how betrayed Blaine would feel, that look of pain in his eyes. Kurt dropped a strawberry back in the bowl, and he gasped, tears welling in his eyes at the thought of it. No, he couldn`t and wouldn`t do that to Blaine. He couldn`t take that risk.
`Kurt?`
Kurt jumped, letting out a small squeak as the call broke his thought. He turned and saw Blaine looking at him in concern.
`I`m sorry, did I scare you?`
Kurt smiled, laughing nervously.
`No, I was just really deep in thought and wasn`t expecting it, that`s all...`
`Oh? What`s on your mind?`
Kurt sighed, looking at the table; he knew that if he asked Blaine all of the questions that were rolling in his head, Blaine woud try his best to tell him everything, but Kurt knew he was scared, hurt; afraid of reliving the memory. He couldn`t blame him. He`d had his fair share of having to relive memories and he hated it. He closed his eyes tightly as flashes of both rape incidents came to mind- the ropes, the chains... He let out a shaky breath, dispelling his thoughts, filling his mind with Blaine again. Blaine was what he wanted to know about. He needed to know about.
`Kurt...? Kurt are you okay baby?` Blaine`s voice was dripping with concern and Kurt looked up, staring deep into his hazel eyes, searching them. Kurt let out a shaky breath, leaning in to kiss Blaine on the lips gently. Blaine closed his eyes, placing his hand on Kurt`s cheek, stroking it with his thumb and Kurt pulled back, leaning his head on Blaine`s. He opened his eyes, staring into Blaine`s once again.
`What I was thinking about was... I`ve just...`Kurt closed his eyes, letting out a breath through his nose. How did he put all this into words? All the questions, concerns, inquiries. Blaine rubbed his back between his shoulder blades.
`What is it?`
`I`ve been wondering about you.`
Blaine`s hand came to a halt and he stiffened.
`...What?`
Kurt sat up, staring at him, wide-eyed.
`Nothing bad!`
Blaine visibly relaxed, letting out a breath he`d been holding in, and he nodded. Kurt bit his lip before continuing.
`I... I just... Well... Okay. I was looking for a book while you were asleep and ended up grabbing something I`d never seen. It was a black book that was bound in silver.`
Blaine sat up straight, looking at Kurt in fear.
`Did you read any of it?`
Kurt played with his fingers.
`Well, I didn`t know what it was. There was no writing on the front, or back. I opened it and looked at the first line and it read March 10, 2010, and all I saw was something you wrote about your dad being angry about you being in the Warblers, but that you weren`t going to quit because it made you somewhat happy. After I realized it was your journal I closed it and put it back. I`m really sorry Blaine, I really am!`Kurt looked at him, scared he would be mad but Blaine just stared at the table, nodding slowly.
`No, no... It`s okay, Kurt. You didn`t read anything bad, and I trust you. Thank you for telling me,`Blaine smiled gently,`I love that you`re so honest with me.`
Kurt smiled, taking Blaine`s hand, and his smile fell as he came back to his original thoughts.
`Yeah... But, um... Just, ever since looking at that, and then seeing there were two... I`ve just... I haven`t stopped thinking about what you`ve written about. What you were feeling when you came out, and the bullying started... The beating at Sadie hawkins... How your dad treated you... What all happened when the cutting started... I want to know all that about you, and I can`t stop thinking about it because I want to know it all, but I don`t want to push you.`
Blaine bit his thumb gently and closed his eyes, his long eyelashes dancing across his cheeks as he let out a breathy sigh. He leaned back in the chair, looking up at the roof.
`I don`t blame you. You have every right to know everything,`Blaine let out a small chuckle,`I`m just a coward who doesn`t want to remember.`
`You are not a coward, Blaine!` Kurt looked at him seriously, putting his hand on his chest. Blaine smiled, placing his hand over Kurt`s and sighed, his eyes flicking down.
`I am, though. If I wasn`t, I would have manned up and told you everything by now...`
Kurt tilted his head sadly at Blaine.
`Blaine, you weren`t ready. I`m not going to reprimand you for that, stop putting yourself down so low. You`re worth more than that.`
Blaine took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes.
`That`s not something i`m used to hearing though, Kurt. You always tell me i`m perfect, and worth the sun and moon, and deserve everything... Did you know that they wrote me letters telling me to kill myself and put them in my locker? They egged my house and my dad made me clean it with a toothbrush? Girls tried to get me to spend the night with them so they could bring me back to the `world of the sane`?`
Kurt blinked sadly, shaking his head.
`No, I didn`t, Blaine. Do you want to go to my room and talk about this?`
Blaine nodded shakily, taking Kurt`s hand as they walked up the stairs to Kurt`s bedroom. They closed the door gently and sat on the bed. Kurt leaned against the headboard, spreading his legs out as Blaine sat between them, leaning his back against Kurt`s torso. He leaned his head on Kurt`s shoulder and sighed as Kurt`s arms wrapped themselves gently around Blaine`s waist. Kurt kissed his ear gently and rubbed his stomach gently under his shirt.
`Talk to me Blaine. Just talk.`
Blaine closed his eyes, reveling in the sweetness of the moment. Being in Kurt`s loving grasp, feeling so safe, yet so vulnerable all the same. He let out a breath, thinking back to his past.
`Well, um... Before Dalton, I went to Gerber High School, on the other side of Westerville from Dalton... I wasn`t out of the closet. After everything that happened to me in my middle school, I didn`t know how to risk it. I didn`t really have any close friends or anything. Ninth grade just kind of went by; I didn`t cut much unless I felt really lonely or got made fun of in gym... Then summer to grade ten came, and I ended up meeting a sweet guy. I started to like him alot and we were together all the time, but we never dated. He ended up just leading me on for a long time then spread rumors to a bunch of people that I tried to make him have sex with me and all this bullcrap. Some people believed it but not enough to bother me. But eventually, I came out of the closet at school cause I was sick of hiding... And I asked my friend to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me... And you already know what happened there... Except it was worse for him. They still showed no remorse; i`m sure they still don`t...`
Kurt blinked slowly.
`What do you mean..?`
`Kurt... They beat him so badly that... He`s been in a coma ever since then.`
Kurt sucked in a breath, holding Blaine a bit tighter as he closed his eyes. He kissed Blaine`s head, encouraging him to continue.
`I missed him so much, he was the only person who understood... I had to go back to school, deal with the stares and the hatred all over again. The beatings, the nasty words, the teachers not caring or noticing. Anybody who had talked to me before that ignored me or bullied me all the same. Music was the only thing that kept me hanging on. I was cutting really badly by that point too. But one day, after gym, I ran into the change room to change my shirt before any of the guys could notice my chest. But one guy was already in there that I didn`t see. He snapped a picture of the cuts and I realized what he did and I begged him to delete it, but before I could do anything he`d sent it to everyone in school, put it on facebook, sent it to teachers, my parents... Everyone. I got home and my dad tore my shirt off and screamed at me about immorality and stupidity and how I was a horrible person for doing this to myself and that it was selfish. My mom didn`t try to stop him. She just watched as he told me that I was a selfish, stupid kid who only thought about himself... I transferred to Dalton not long after but my dad still always treated me like crap. Always, and he never let up. He just always made me feel like such a failure, like I was never doing good enough and I would never succeed... Thinking back i don`t know how i dealt with it.`
Blaine laughed softly, sighing.
`Who am I kidding? I know how I dealt with it. With a knife. Every day... Every fucking day...`
Kurt kissed Blaine`s head, holding him tighter. Kurt`s tears began to fall and he took in a shaky breath.
`God, Blaine... You don`t deserve any of what`s happened to you...`
`Yes I do. That`s all i`ve ever gotten.`
`Don`t listen to that. Blaine, you got through all of that. It takes strength to survive bullying like that. Especially when your own parents are against you. But you survived. That makes you more of a man than any of them will ever be, more of a man than your father will ever be. Okay?`
Blaine sat up, turning to look at Kurt. He stared into his eyes as tears fell from his own, then crawled towards him, putting his hand on his cheek, leaning in and kissing him softly. Kurt kissed back gently, and gasped as Blaine licked his bottom lip. He slid his tongue into Kurt`s mouth, running it against the roof of his mouth, causing Kurt to whimper slightly, and he sucked on Blaine`s tongue, who moaned at the sensation. He crawled into Kurt`s lap, straddling him, running his hands down Kurt`s arms. He slid his hands down over Kurt`s waist and played with the waistband of his jeans, and Kurt shivered. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine`s neck, reaching up and pulling Blaine`s hair gently. Blaine groaned, and before he could control himself, his hips rolled forwards, causing his growing erection to rub against the bulge in Kurt`s jeans. The two boys gasped and Kurt froze slightly, pulling back from Blaine, turning away.
`I... We... I need to shower...`Kurt scrambled off of the bed and ran into his en suite bathroom, shutting the door. Blaine stared at the spot on the bed where he and Kurt just were and then to the bathroom door. He could hear silent sniffles running through the door and he slapped his forehead in exasperation.
`What the fuck was I thinking...`
There you go. A really long chapter for all of youuu.
Well. It`s kinda long. Whatever.
-Echo.