It was strange to be home again after two weeks in his house. Laura put down her bags and wandered through her rooms. So many empty memories. It was like looking at a life that wasn't hers anymore. She picked up books, vases, pictures. Her mother smiled at her in a silver frame, her sisters on the wall up the stairs. A life different from hers now – a distant past. She enjoyed the silence.
When she lay down on her bed, Laura stared out of the window. She loved to watch the sunshine from inside. Peaceful. Warm. Comforting. She tugged a blanket around herself - her phone unplugged, she dosed off every now and then.
Three days passed without a single word from him. Every step of his covered on the news – his wife had filed for divorce. Every picture published. Every comment scrutinized and dissected.
Billy brought her food and reports until she couldn't take it anymore. She was sick of all the assumptions and the reporters who were back to camp in front of her house. Her quiet little life had turned upside down again.
Laura checked her watch. Another hour until they would pick her up. Her security detail – she now had one. Visible. That was what she minded. She had never noticed the discrete officers at public events or gatherings. This was different.
Laura closed her eyes. His face haunted her at nights. She didn't sleep. The absence of him was hard. She jumped – the knock on the door ripped her away from him in her thoughts.
"Madam Secretary?"
Laura dragged herself to the door. She nodded, grabbed her bag and followed the broad-shouldered men through a narrow tunnel of cameras, microphones and questions. The flashlights hurt her eyes. She almost ran to the car – the door open for her to jump in. A security guard always one step behind her. He closed the door, the car drove off. Billy's smile a welcome gesture of support.
When she sat in the doctor's office, she was edgy and nervous. Her face on most of the magazines in the waiting rooms of the clinic – she already saw the next headlines in her mind.
"The mass is malignant." The doctor looked straight into her eyes.
"We know that," Richard almost snapped. Laura squeezed his hand. She was suddenly the calmest person in the room.
"You said you reject Diloxin treatments, is that still the case, Ms Roslin?"
Laura nodded.
"We are here to find out about alternatives," Richard tried to calm down.
"I can see you've tried Chamalla. How is that working for you?" The doctor focused on his patient.
"It cures the symptoms on most days," Laura answered vaguely.
"So the pain is gone?"
Laura nodded again.
"What about hallucinations? Are you having trouble with those?"
"Sometimes," she answered with a small smile to reassure Richard that she was okay.
"And you came here to look for a miracle drug to cure your cancer six weeks after your diagnosis?" The doctor's voice was factual.
Laura pursed her lips.
"What has changed?"
"Excuse me?" Richard was puzzled.
"I need to know if Ms Roslin is actually willing to embrace new procedures or if she is simply..."
"You want to know if I simply reached my month of fear. I'm not afraid to die, Doctor. I'm way past fear. I want to fight this. I want to fight this cancer that killed my mother. I want to live."
"I see." The doctor paused and checked her charts again. "It would've been easier if you had come in earlier."
"So you've said," Laura returned quietly. Richard's arms around her helped her take in the news. Three days without him. He was there when it counted the most.
It was late when Laura returned home after a long day at the office. The elections made it hard for her to wrap up a lot of unattended cases. She tried her best. She had long given up on pleasing everybody and their dog.
When she closed her bedroom door behind her, she stood motionless for a while. She remembered the appointment with her new doctor. His words kept ringing in her ears. "It's a radical new treatment. You will have to be hospitalized for a while. You won't be able to hide what you're going through." Laura moved over to her closet. She stood again, motionless for minutes, her eyes locked on her reflection in the mirror. The room around her was silent – she indulged in the sound of her heartbeat in her chest, the rhythm of her blood pumping through her veins, the sound of her breath deep and fresh. Her eyes were gentle on her when she started to undress herself in slow motion. Piece by piece, layer by layer, Laura looked at herself until she was naked, untainted. She held her breath and closed her eyes, for a moment. Two. Her hands started touching her skin. She opened her eyes again – the touch of her own fingers rejuvenating. Free from scrutiny or pain. Laura smiled. She loved the roundness of her curves, the feeling of her own flesh that tickled her. When the tears came, she let them fall. It was liberating to just let go.
When Richard arrived hours later to check on her late at night, he found her sitting in front of her mirror. Her arms entangled around her legs, she was curled up to a ball – vulnerable and beautiful.
"Laura?" Richard knelt down beside her. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. Her eyes were wide and peaceful when she looked at him.
"Can I get you anything?" Richard asked and sat down next to her.
Laura shook her head.
Richard nodded and placed a kiss onto her head. "All right."
The first week of withdrawal made Laura grumpy and sick. Her body ached, her head was pounding. Every touch was too much for her. It cam in handy that Richard withdrew from her like her system withdrew from the Chamalla.
Responsibility, commitment, partnership – Laura didn't care to ask about his reasons. Deep down she was afraid of the answer she might get. Her tired eyes told her enough to scrutinize about her own decline. She didn't need to hear it.
When she finally went to the hospital, she missed him more than she ever had. She missed his scent, the noise he made when he was around, his presence. She had grown accustomed to being around him more, to him spending the night, to waking up next to him, to brushing her teeth when he was in the shower. In the sterile environment of her hospital bed, Laura craved for more space, a bigger bed, his arms around her after a fight.
It was four weeks now that she hadn't seen him. He was on his farewell tour as the President of the Colonies. He avoided all the questions concerning her or his wife.
She loved to hear his voice when he called – asked him to tell her about his day only to listen to the carefully pronounced words he chose to sound presidential and bigger than he was.
When he finally came to visit her, he did not mention the papers and the gossip about her treatments and an impossible cure. Her chances were at 5%. She knew. There was no need to remind her of that.
"It's hard to let go, isn't it?" Laura smiled at him. Her hands trembled when she touched him. His touch calmed her down.
Richard returned her smile and sat down on her bed.
"It's okay to leave me, you know." Her voice was matter-of-fact. Her eyes gentle when she looked at him.
"Why would I do that?" Richard placed a soft kiss onto her lips.
"You didn't sign up for this." Laura pointed to the tubes in her arms and the pills on her nightstand.
"Are you asking me to go?" He asked calmly.
"You haven't been around much lately."
"I needed some time." Richard got up from her bed and walked around. "I had to figure out a couple of things."
Laura nodded.
"Do you remember when we first made love?"
Richard's voice seemed distant to her. She hummed an absentminded yes.
"It was one of those days that, you know, it wasn't planned." He paused. "You were there. So different. So alluringly different from everyone I'd known. Smart. Sexy in that coy way of yours. A forbidden fruit. I thought it was attraction, never love."
Laura closed her eyes. She tried to ease the anticipated impact of his words.
"I never expected you. Any of what you have given me. Any of this. It was easier to see myself as the President of the Twelve Colonies than anything I've had with you. You were not on my list. I didn't plan you. You with me. It just happened."
Laura made a sound so soft yet tortured that Richard moved closer to her again. "I don't adapt so easily to change, you know that. There's a reason why I kept on most of my staff since my early days as mayor. I get used to situations. I get used to people. I got used to you."
Richard sat down on her bed again. His hands caressed her haggard but rosy face. "I needed time to think. I had to figure this out. Us."
Laura opened her eyes again. She cried. "I love you, Laura. I love you more than I knew I did. And I ran away from so many things in the past. I tried to run away from you. I can't."
He wiped away some of her tears with his thumb. "I am so afraid to screw this up like I screwed up my marriage. Do you understand? My marriage was dead before I fell for you and everything you offered me. This is different. It has to be different. So I'm here to tell you that I will not lose you. I won't be President, you won't be my overqualified Secretary of Education. I don't know what we will be, but I do know that I want to be with you. After everything we've been through, after all the nights I didn't spend with you. I'm afraid to not be with you. So I'm asking you to stay with me. What do you say?"
Laura stared at him for a moment. The tears on her face were fresh when she finally kissed him. "I won't marry you." She whispered into his mouth. "I'm not the marrying kind."
Richard chuckled. Just her with him. It was all right.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so tired but I cant sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
Its funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we cant be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Dont let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
(Sarah McLachlan)