Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Another Me" by Peroxwhy?gen
SEASON 1
EPISODE 1
Airdate: June 24, 2012
Title: The RK Feline Fiasco
Homage To Classic TV: The Electric Company (1971-1977)
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Seattle, Washington
Interior Lunchroom
BUSTER: Anyone see Wings last night?
WADE: Dude, that show doesn't come on anymore.
BUSTER: Yeah, it does.
SPARKY: On what channel?
BUSTER: Bounce, that new network.
WADE: Last time I checked, there was no Wings. Just Fat Albert and Soul Train.
BUSTER: There's Wings!
WADE: There is no Wings! Just accept the fact that Tim Daly and Steven Weber will no longer pleasure you!
BUSTER: Just accept the fact that you're black!
(waking up from nap) RK: Buster, you know I think you're very sexy, but shut the (bleep) up about that!
(RK's hair is messy, he's wearing a T-shirt with a mysterious stain and has red eyes)
SPARKY: RK, dude, you're bushed! You should head home and sleep.
RK: Sparky, wouldn't you think I'd stay home and do that? Now leave me alone, retard!
(Sparky is offended beyond belief)
RK: Sorry, Sparks, I'm just SO tired. I can't head home and sleep because of what's been happening AT home.
SPARKY: It's OK, RK. See what I did there?
RK: Yeah, repetition. Clever.
(Wade checks TV schedule on iPhone)
BUSTER: What's been happening at home?
RK: It's Mr. Tuxedo Pants.
SPARKY: That cat from Degrassi?
BUSTER: NO!
RK: You know, the cat that KG got for us two weeks ago? I showed you guys him at my place that weekend.
SPARKY: I don't remember.
RK: How do you not remember? Oh yeah, you really WEREN'T there.
SPARKY: Yeah, I was with my parents at Washington State University for a pre-summer vacation.
RK: That's weird. I remember seeing you at the party.
BUSTER: Oh, that's because I created a stand-in.
(The gang is playing "Pin The Tail On The Cat." Sparky is up next, and he's acting differently. He is taking his time for some weird reason, because he wants the tail right on the cat. RK tells him it doesn't matter, but Sparky is still keen on getting this right. Sparky then channels his thoughts, and arbitrarily says "GO GO GADGET SKIS!" He jumps onto the cat cutout and both of them fall over. Wade then says, "Go go gadget (bleep) this," and leaves.)
RK: Well, you were a little off that day. That doesn't surprise me though, seeing the guy who made it.
(Buster is pissed)
SPARKY: So what has Mr. Tuxedo Pants been doing lately?
BUSTER: How long does it take you to check a TV schedule?
WADE: Sorry, I was on Twitter. OH, YES! Fine, I'll check.
RK: Well, it started this past Monday.
(Mr. Tuxedo Pants is meowing very loudly at 3:00 in the morning. RK keeps saying, "Shut up, Tuxy," but it doesn't work. Finally, RK gets out of bed and says, "Shut the (bleep) up, you dick!" KG says, "RK, stop yelling at the cat." "KG, it won't shut the Hell up!" "I know, but it's a learning process. I mean, we just got him nine days ago." "I guess." "Now, go to sleep." RK goes to bed more at peace, but Tuxy starts up again, causing RK to scream in his pillow.)
RK: This has been happening the past four days. And every day, I have to go home early at this time to play with Mr. Tuxedo Pants and give him whatever he needs. KG uses excuses.
BUSTER: Dude, that's HARD.
RK: I know, baby. I'd rather be in school than taking care of Tuxy.
(All three boys are shocked)
RK: Yeah, it's that bad.
(RK's phone is ringing, and it's KG. RK's ringtone is "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour, CM Punk's theme song.)
(tired and yawning, smacks lips) RK: Hi, KG. I'll be right there. What excuse are you gonna use this time?
BUSTER: STOP TWEETING!
WADE: OK.
RK: You can't use malaria, KG. If that was the case, I wouldn't be here right now.
(Sparky is staring intently)
RK: Came out of the house with a bad sneeze? OK, I'm on my way. See you guys tomorrow, maybe.
SPARKY: Poor RK. If only we could help him.
WADE: HA! I was right! There is no Wings on Bounce.
BUSTER: Damn!
SPARKY: Wow, Buster, you look more stupid than Gregg Poppovich when he tells the Spurs to get nasty.
(A cutaway gag is shown, featuring manipulated footage of Game 1 of this year's Western Conference Finals between the Spurs and the Thunder. The footage was edited so it looks like Poppovich is more angry than he actually is. He tells the Spurs to stop acting like pieces of (bleep) and play nastier than they've ever played before. Several days later (in cartoon form), the Spurs are cleaning out their lockers. Manu Ginobli is packing all his G.I. Joe toys in his duffel bag, but he can't find Deep Six. Ginobli asks Tim Duncan if he took it, and he says no. Ginobli accuses Tony Parker, since Parker took his Slurpee last week. The two then start arguing over how Ginobli is too immature and include Duncan in it. Eventually, they accuse each other of throwing the series. Stephen Jackson ends it by saying, "Guys, guys, all three of you are just...awful."
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
(Every Friday night for the past year, the boys have been having a movie night, where they watch a film on DVD, crack jokes, and get "drunk" off beverages like Pepsi Wild Cherry and AriZona. Tonight, Testicular Sound Express is watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. However, RK is absent.)
BUSTER: I just can't believe it.
SPARKY: I know, right. RK is always the first one here, and tonight he flakes?
BUSTER: No, not that. Wade just told me the Miami Heat won the NBA Finals last night. HA! What a joke!
SPARKY: They did win.
BUSTER: What?
SPARKY: They...won.
BUSTER: Oh, sweet Jesus.
WADE: Yeah, and LeBron James won the MVP award.
BUSTER: I'm gonna puke in my mouth.
SPARKY: The votes were unanimous.
(Buster throws up on the floor)
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!
BUSTER: Sorry. It's not my fault you told me the most disgusting thing in the world.
SPARKY: Wade, be a dear and get the Sparkle paper towel. Buster, this is serious. I'm worried about RK.
BUSTER: Why? He's always being a dick to us.
(cleaning up puke) WADE: Buster speaks the truth, Sparks. Last week, I gave him $5 to pay for the taxi to school, and he never paid me back.
SPARKY: While that may be true, you guys are exaggerating this. Buster, isn't he in major coocho love with you?
BUSTER: Yes, and that's a big reason why I see him as a dick. He's always flirting with me. I DON'T LIKE BOYS! I'm NOT Jerry Sandusky.
(A cutaway gag shows Sandusky being found guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sexual molestation and pedophilia. Sandusky's punishment is either 60 years in jail without parole or death by the chair. Sandusky pleads with the judge to reconsider, saying he'll make it worth his while. "Damn!," Sandusky said, unable to control his homosexual tendencies. "You're a twisted monster! I sentence you to execution from the electric seating compartment. You'd probably like the rape in jail anyway." The judge banged his gavel. "Call me," Sandusky mouthed to the disgusted judge.)
SPARKY: Buster, that was child molestation. This is just a boy in love with another boy.
BUSTER: And to me, I feel like I've been molested, mentally and physically.
SPARKY: Look, RK isn't perfect, but he admits to that. And even then, he is still our friend and he's hurting. I bet WE can find out why Mr. Tuxedo Pants is being such an S.O.B.
WADE: You mean like staying over at his house for the weekend and helping his cat?
SPARKY: Exactly. Wade can search up all the things we need to know about the feline anatomy on his iPhone, Buster can help console RK and make sure he's all right, and I can soothe Mr. Tuxedo Pants' stomach with home remedies fit for a cat.
WADE: Let's do it!
BUSTER: Fine. I mean I'm not attracted to RK, but seeing him dead is just plain wrong.
SPARKY: OK, you guys go home and pack your bags. We're spending a weekend at RK's.
(lightning strikes and thunder claps)
BUSTER: Could we still watch the movie?
SPARKY: Sure.
WADE: What was with that storm thing?
SPARKY: It's atmospheric, Wade. Jeez, and I thought YOU were the smart one.
BOOMING VOICE: It's now time for...our Homage To Classic TV!
(Sparky sits on a chair near a fireplace, wearing a sultan's robe and drinking orangeade in a teacup)
(clearly articulating the words) SPARKY: Hello, Earth. We know one thing that you may or may not know as well: Television is (bleep) awful. What happened to the glory days of the small screen? What happened to shows that put the "excite" in excitement, the "interest" in interesting, and the "electrify" in electrifying? Well, they all left. While we can't bring back your favorite childhood classics, we can sure as Hell pay tribute to them. Which is why we have the Homage To Classic TV. Each week, we zero in on a show of the past (or a show that is still running but still significant) and parody it. This week, we parody a show that gave viewers a chance to expand their educational views when they graduated from...that other show. They did a revival three years ago, and it's a bunch of bull. Here's the REAL Electric Company. (imitating Rita Moreno) HEY, YOU GUYS!
(shortened version of The Electric Company's original theme song and opening sequence plays)
GUY #1: D...
GUY #2: Ot...
BOTH GUYS: Dot.
GUY #1: S...
GUY #2: Ex...
BOTH GUYS: Sex.
GUY #1: Con...
GUY #2: Dom...
BOTH GUYS: Condom.
GUY #1: Fe...
GUY #2: Line...
BOTH GUYS: Feline.
THE LAST WORD
(A parodied voice of Ken Roberts says, "And now, the last word." The word "feline" appears on the screen. The word is then read aloud, and a knife covered in blood is used to slice the pull chain in half, effectively turning off the lightbulb)
BOOMING VOICE: And that was our Homage To Classic TV. Tune in next week to see more of your childhood favorites bowed down to!
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
Exterior Frontyard
SPARKY: This should be easy. In fact, we could be done before the weekend is over. Everyone know their assignments?
BUSTER AND WADE: Right.
SPARKY: Awesome. Now let's rock and roll!
(Sparky rings doorbell, which is "Flight of the Bumblebee")
RK: Hey, guys. What are you doin' at my neck of the woods?
SPARKY: We came to help you with Mr. Tuxedo Pants for the weekend.
RK: Really? You guys are the best! I'm especially glad you came, Buster.
("Glad You Came" by The Wanted plays in background)
(monotone) BUSTER: Yeah, I was so pumped to be here.
RK: Come inside, Testicular Sound Express.
SPARKY: You look much better.
RK: Thanks. I took a nice bath and slept for four hours while KG took care of Tuxy.
BUSTER: Wasn't he tired as (bleep)?
RK: You bet he was, sweet thang. It's my turn now to take care of him.
("It's My Turn Now" by Keke Palmer plays in background)
RK: Dammit, I hate this (bleep) show!
CAMERAMAN: We're filming.
RK: Oh, sorry. Come on, guys, I need to intoduce Sparks here to Mr. Tuxedo Pants.
(Mr, Tuxedo Pants is shown, looking overweight and haggard)
SPARKY: Ah, God, that's one fat cat!
(Buster and Wade snicker)
RK: Oh, well that's nice, Sparky, make Tuxy feel better about himself by you making fun of his appearance. Seriously, you're more insensitive than Howard Stern.
(The cutaway gag shows Stern trashing singer Selena's heritage and music just days after her death, claiming "Alvin and the Chipmunks have more soul." A week later, it is reported that Stern has been shot to death numerous times outside his house.)
WADE: But he's still alive.
RK: Well, he was thought to be dead at first, but then he made a recovery.
SPARKY: Hmmmmm. (singsong tune) The more you know...
RK: Leave it to NBC, sport.
BUSTER: So what has he been doing other than yelling?
RK: Vomiting profusely, asking for weird foods, and pretending he's Joe Pesci.
(Italian accent) MR. TUXEDO PANTS: Yugoslavia.
(Mr. Tuxedo Pants goes back to sleep)
WADE: Hmmmmm...
RK: Plus, he's been moaning a lot, and having mood swings. He's sweet and playful one minute, then violent and psychotic the next.
WADE: Something about this is very FAMILIAR.
SPARKY: What'd you get, Wade?
WADE: RK, has it ever occurred to you this past week that Mr. Tuxedo Pants is actually...a MRS. Tuxedo Pants?
RK: What-what is-what-what are you driving at?
WADE: Pregnant.
RK: What?
WADE: Mr. Tuxedo Pants is a pregnant female cat.
RK: You don't know what you're talking about! Nothing he's done proves he's a girl!
SPARKY: I don't know, he is the brains of the operation.
RK: You do have a point.
BUSTER: Wait, so some cat knocks her up unprotected and then leaves? Oh, when I find that asshole...
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!
RK: I love it when you get all feisty, just to save my family.
(Buster rolls his eyes)
WADE: It has to be. Weird cravings, mood swings, vomiting, they're all causes of a new baby.
SPARKY: Or in this case, a new kitten.
WADE: Exactly, Sparko!
RK: Let's say I take your word for it, we have to induce labor.
WADE: RK, you know that we can't just have labor come at our request...
(RK chokes Wade with bulging eyes)
RK: Listen, Saltalamacchia. This cat has been giving me Hell for the past week! I want that (bleep) jackass to come out!
WADE: Fine, fine, we'll induce labor. Sparky, you have the remedies?
SPARKY: In the duffel bag.
WADE: Let's get busy!
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior RK's Room
WADE: OK, so I got an article on my iPhone (chuckles, much to the boys' annoyance) that tells of eight ways to induce labor in felines. The kind of method may depend on the cat. RK, is Tuxy a queen?
RK: Wade, Mr. Tuxedo Pants is a cat, which makes it impossible for him to be a queen. Are you sure you're THAT smart?
WADE: Not that kind of queen, and it's MRS. Tuxedo Pants to you. A queen cat is a cat that has already given birth and is doing it multiple times.
RK: How am I supposed to know that? I didn't even know Tuxy was a girl until tonight.
WADE: That's fine. I have everything needed to induce cat labor. We'll find out if Tuxy's a queen based on her behavior.
BUSTER: I seem to have a newfound respect for animals.
RK: My man, a strong animal lover. Like Daniel Bryan.
(This cutaway shows Daniel Bryan repeatedly saying "YES!" as he runs down the aisle. He takes off his jacket and has two new tattoos: One for each arm. One has the word "YES" in Bryan's signature font and red ink, and another shows A.J. being put in the Yes! Lock by a happy Bryan. He's still marching around saying "YES!")
BUSTER: I love Daniel Bryan.
RK: See, we're bonding...
(imitating Jade West) BUSTER: NO!
WADE: OK, we need Tuxedo Pants to get active. Let's run around with her, encourage her to get active. That should help pop the kitten out.
SPARKY: Come on, Tuxy. Off of your duff.
(Tuxedo Pants gets up slowly)
RK: I know the perfect music for this.
("Live To Win" by Paul Stanley plays in background)
A montage is shown of the boys trying to induce labor in Tuxedo Pants.
Tuxy throws up while exercising, Wade sets up a nice small bed in a quiet area when the time for labor comes, Buster feeds Tuxy cat food with an entire red raspberry in it (it was supposed to be a red raspberry CAPSULE) causing her to choke and Sparky to save her, Wade gets a rectal thermometer and takes Tuxedo Pants' temperature (which is 98 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for labor) while RK holds her. Buster trips on a cushion while holding a bowl of ice cream and crashes into Tuxy, causing her to scratch Wade repeatedly and throw ice cream at him, leaving him a mess. Buster smiles nervously and gives an angry Wade a pack of frozen vegetables, Sparky sees her nipples are emitting milk, which is a sign, and both Wade and Buster realize Tuxy is shivering and anxious, indicating she's DAMN ready to give birth.
RK: Wow, I'm gonna be one proud granddad.
KG: What's going on?
SPARKY: Tuxedo Pants is a pregnant girl cat.
KG: I know.
RK: YOU DO! YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL ON PURPOSE?
KG: No, I found out two minutes ago. I just called the vet and told him all the symptoms, which is normal. In fact, she should be a mother right about...now.
WADE: Nothing happened.
RK: THIS IS ALL FOR NOTHING!
BUSTER: I feel like kicking something. (kicks Tuxy in her genitalia by accident)
(imitating Michael Yarmush, Bruce Dinsmore, and Melissa Altro) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: BUSTER!
BUSTER: Sorry.
(Tuxy becomes pissed and chases after all four boys)
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior TV Room
(minus KG, all four boys are half-awake, beaten senseless, and wearing ripped clothes)
SPARKY: This is hopeless.
RK: I may never sleep again.
WADE: Look at the bright side, that could make for an awesome experiment. We could chart your deterioration, and then when your brain starts to shut down...
SPARKY: Buster, how you holdin' up?
(after being beaten by Tuxy and the other boys, Buster now has blood stains and a black eye)
BUSTER: I feel right, Sparks. I feel right.
KG: Guys, come in here.
(The boys come into KG's room to see that Tuxy has given birth to three kittens)
RK: Wow, we weren't wrong?
WADE: We just had to give it time.
SPARKY: There's no way you can keep four cats.
RK: You're right. You guys wanna be dads?
SPARKY AND BUSTER: Hell yeah!
RK: What's wrong, Wade? You don't wanna adopt?
WADE: Nah, I'm not much of a cat guy.
RK: That's OK. I know one guy who can't resist.
(Mr. Ping Wing Zing Hing sees the third kitten in front of his Burger King.)
PING WING ZING HING: Ooh, so cute! (long pause) MINE! (Ping Wing Zing Hing runs away with kitten)
("Ocean Man" by Ween plays during the end credits)