Raven: FINALY! A REVIEW! I like reviews… They make me feel all warm and squishy inside…
Gohma: …Aren't you already?
Raven: Shut up.
Link: Raven owns nothing.
Chapter Three
Meeting Dinosaurs, Running from Hugs, and Hideous Fairies.
After Gohma ate the guard blocking the way to Death Mountain, the trio made their way up the mountain, hampered only slightly by the Tektites along the way.
"Stupid…insects…" Huffed Link, rubbing a bite wound on his leg.
"They make a nice buffet though," Commented Gohma, spitting out a claw.
Navi sighed in irritation.
"Can we skip the pointless eating of others for ten seconds? We need to find the Goron's Ruby."
"Why do we wanna do that again?"
"Link, you have the attention span of a hyperactive puppy."
"Oh look. A rock-man"
Navi facepalmed.
"Huh?" The Goron muttered, looking up. "AAAAH!" He screeched upon seeing Gohma.
He tried to run without dropping his little plastic bag, but failed miserably. The little bag was full of strangely colored rocks.
"They smell like weed." Gohma grumbled, tossing it aside.
They made their way up the mountainside without anything to impede their progress. Not including a Goron that rolled on past them. At any rate, when they made it to Goron City, Link went to a Goron and began asking him questions. After he had heard enough, he sighed and went back to Gohma and Navi.
"They're all addicts. They mine rocks that have various hallucinogenic effects when melted down and mixed into beer. Recently their mine has been taken over by a street gang of fire-breathing reptilians who have been selling them the rocks for an exorbitant price."
"You're kidding."
"Unfortunately, no."
"So now what?" Navi asked.
"I'll have to talk to the Goron's leader and see if I can't get him to give us the Spiritual Stone of Fire." He sighed and facepalmed. "They say he hates visitors. Gohma, would you be a bit of a bodyguard for me? Otherwise, he might decide to pummel me to death."
They went to the bottom of the city, only to find that the Goron's leader, Darunia, had sealed the door shut. Link decided to play Zelda's Lullaby, because it was supposed to do random shit.
To his delight, it worked.
"Why the- Oh forget it." Navi muttered as they went in.
"Who the fuck are you?" Snarled Darunia at the trespassers. "No one is supposed to come in except for fucking members of the fucking royal family!"
"Whoa!" Gohma hissed. "Cool it."
"GET OUT!" He roared, standing upright.
Swiftly they fled the room, Link grabbing a torch to set the door on fire. Somehow he managed to not only fail miserably at this, but also lit a bomb flower on fire that opened up a large tunnel. Curiosity drove them forth into the tunnel. When they came out again, they were in the forest.
"How the hell did we end up in the Lost Woods?" Link asked, glancing about.
"Hoo, hoo… I found you…" A cold dread filled the air.
Link looked up in horror. It was Kaebora Gaebora, the stalker owl.
"CURSE YOU STALKER!"
"Listen…do you hear the music? Follow it and you'll get something ni-OW!"
He had been hit on the head with a Deku Nut.
"GODDAMN YOU! I'M TRYING TO HELP!" The owl screeched in rage, as he fled the scene with a bleeding head.
"I HATE that owl." Link snarled.
They randomly walked through the forest and were magically warped to the Sacred Forest Meadow.
"How did we get here?" Link asked in confusion.
"Do not question the world." Gohma muttered. "Just let go and don't look a gifted horse in the mouth."
"O-kay…" Said Link, who was being eaten from behind by a Wolfos.
"Look, would you stop that?" He snapped at it, grabbing it by the tail.
"YIPE!" The Wolfos yelped, before vanishing in a wave of blue flames.
"Well that was pointless." Navi grumbled as they made their way through the maze-like portion of the Meadow.
When they made it to the end of the meadow, Saria was there, playing her ocarina.
"So you're the one making us listen to this song!" Link gasped. "And I thought it was a skull kid!"
"No duh it was me!" Saria snapped. "This song has a neat effect that sometimes drives people crazy and makes it so they can't stop dancing for a while! It also makes them feel more cheery. Isn't that neat?"
"…I…Guess?"
"Play along and remember it."
So he learned Saria's Song.
Then, so as to save time, they magically warp to after they played the song to Darunia.
"WOW!" He said, huffing from his horrible dancing. "I feel… different! Haha! MY TROUBLES are fucking GONE! Why'd you come here kid?"
"Uhh, I need the Spiritual Stone of Fire…"
"WHAT THE FUCK! You want our best drug? All you have to do is lick it and you get high! NO ADVERSE EFFECTS!"
"Um."
"Well… tell you what. If you can convince the Dodongo gang to let us have our mine back, I'll let you have the Ruby."
"I'm very convincing…" Gohma hissed, clicking her jaws menacingly.
Dodongo's Cavern entrance
"It sure was nice of Darunia to give me this bracelet." Link commented. "I can make things go BOOM now!"
Navi and Gohma were hiding at the other end of the room.
"YAY! THEY GO BOOM!" Link yelled as he destroyed the Beamos
"I'm gonna run away now." Whimpered a baby Dodongo.
Link made his way through the Cavern, trying to find the Dodongos and their boss. When he found a bag full of bombs, every living thing in the dungeon took cover.
Finally, they fell into a large room filled with Dodongo's and the gigantic King Dodongo.
"I'm tellin' you Kingy," A Dodongo crowed. "We are gonna be RICH when this operation is over."
The King merely snarled.
"I am SICK of you lot doing stuff I don't tell you to! One more slip up, and you're fired!"
"But you wanted to deny them access to da rocks!" The Dodongo said in confusion.
"And who told you that?"
"Ricky."
The King smashed his claw down on Ricky, preventing him from moving.
"Don't fire me boss!" He yelped. "I was only tryin' to earn us some dough!"
King Dodongo calmly torched flames over Ricky, incinerating him.
"So this was all a big screw-up then?" Gohma asked in confusion.
"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE!" Roared one of the Dodongos.
"About fifty seconds." Link shrugged.
"Why are you even here?" Kingy boomed.
"The Gorons asked us to save their drugs." Navi shrugged.
"Well, you don't get to!" Squeaked a baby. "Kingy, yo' are a tyrant! WE REVOLT!" And with that, the Dodongo's swarmed their king.
"Oh shit." Gohma sighed. "Now we have to help him."
Link began tossing bombs about, scattering Dodongos and making them explode. Navi somehow was grabbing them by the tails and flipping them violently into each other. Gohma discovered that they were delicious. They tasted like cotton candy apparently.
Kingy was rolling over and crushing them, occasionally spewing fire, his deadly claws slashing his subordinate's hides. But they wouldn't stop coming. More and more spewed out.
Link finally ran out of bombs.
"GODDAMNIT!" He swore, before discovering that Dodongo's explode when they die. He grabbed a stray baby, stabbed it, and threw it. It set off a chain reaction that blew up all of the Dodongos except for the king.
"Whew! Glad that's over!" The king gasped. "Thanks much! I'd pay you but I'm broke. The little bastards all stole my money!"
"That's okay." Link shrugged, and they went into the cool blue light circle thingy that warped them out of the dungeon.
When they made it outside, Darunia patted Link on the back so hard that Link fell to the ground.
"YOU FUCKING DID IT!" Darunia crowed. "I didn't think you could! I keep my promises! Here's the pride of the Goron's! The ultimate drug! GORON'S RUBY!"
"What the hell?" Link muttered, grabbing the Ruby.
"You should probably head to the top of Death Mountain. There's a fairy there that is said to assist travelers. Hey brothers! Let's see this guy off!" Darunia called.
Two Gorons suddenly dropped down.
"Howz about a big Goron hug?"
"AHHHHHH!" Link, now accompanied by a giant Dodongo fled to the top of Death Mountain.
When he got there, he decided to blow up a wall. He was rather surprised to find a tunnel.
"OOO!" He said and the group of four managed to squeeze down. Seeing a Triforce symbol on the ground, he played Zelda's Lullaby.
THEN. The most horrifying creature in existence appeared as if from nowhere.
A great fairy. A massive, hideous woman, clad only in vines and boots, burst from the ground.
The unfortunate group was painfully blinded.
"MY EYES!" Howled Link.
"Hello Link," The oblivious fairy said. "I'm going to give you the gift of magic power! Receive it now!"
And then Link was gone, running as fast as he could, followed by Gohma, who's clawed legs skittered against the ground, King Dodongo, who was curled up and rolling, and Navi, who was so horrified at what she had seen a stream of vomit followed her.
Raven: Well, that was much better than my previous chapters!
King Dodongo: Only because of me!
Raven: AS IF! Review everyone!