Raven: Why aren't you people reviewing? I NEED reviews! I need them or I will explode… that happens to me sometimes.

King Dodongo: O_O Raven owns nothing…

Chapter three

Fish Problems

King Dodongo was enjoying some sushi.

"Mmm… Octorock…" He mumbled around his mouthful.

"Do you HAVE to eat every monster that gets in our way?" Navi grumbled.

"Of COURSE not!" Kingy laughed. "I never ate any Lizalfos, now did I?"

"Navi, stop bitching at us." Gohma snapped. "We just fought through an army of Dodongo's! Give us a break!"

"Yeah!" Agreed Link, sitting alongside the riverbank. "We are covered in burns and bite marks! We just need a rest."

Navi huffed and beat the shit out of a nearby bean seller to vent some steam. When she was finished turning him into a bloody pulp, she glanced at the others.

"Are you done now?"

They merely nodded in terror.

"And just think," Link whispered. "She was bitching at me for killing people in chapter one."

After walking down the river, devouring the occasional Tektites and Octorocks, they reached a dead-end, blocked off by a waterfall.

"RANDOM SONG!" Link yelled happily, playing Zelda's lullaby. Suddenly the waterfall parted.

"Wow." King Dodongo muttered. "A song should not be able to do that."

They hopped through the waterfall, with Link explaining:

"Do not question the ways of Hyrule." he said calmly. "Not only are they fucked up, but they will likely make your head explode."

King Dodongo blinked. "That's the most intelligent thing you've said in your life isn't it?"

"I don't like thinking. It hurts."

"I rest my case."

"Link's a little stupid," Navi explained. "But not that stupid."

Link scowled. "I think I resent that."

"No you don't," Gohma clicked irritably. "You don't think, remember?"

"What was I saying?" Link asked, rubbing his eyes weakly.

They suddenly found themselves in a big chamber with an overweight Zora.

"Our Princess is missing…" He sobbed. "I will give anyone who has information a reward."

King Dodongo twitched. "A reward…" He murmured, drooling slightly.

They continued down the path, thinking that there might be a special treasure there or something. All they found was a Zora.

"Hey wanna try a game?" The Zora asked. "If you can get all the rupees I throw in the water, you'll get something nice!"

"How 'bout you just give it to us and we won't devour you?" Gohma retorted.

The Zora's eye twitched.

"I summon the spirit of water to crush-" He was immediately beaten, impaled, torched, and devoured, IN THAT ORDER. They took the little scale thingy in a glass ball.

"DADADADAAA!" The underpants man from chapter one suddenly appeared from nowhere. "YOU GOT THE SILVER SCALE! It lets you dive deeper!" Before once again vanishing.

"Navi?" Link asked. "You killed him."

"Damn this story and all of its inconsistencies." Navi grumbled.

YOU DARE BREAK THE FOURTH WALL! Boomed the author-voice. DO I NEED TO BABYSIT YOU!

Navi coolly raised her middle finger to the sky. Err, roof. Instantly she was struck by a powerful bolt of lightning.

"AIEEEK!"

A dead silence followed.

"I thought we decided that whatever Raven says, goes." Gohma complained

"We did. Link growled softly "I would scold Navi, but I don't think she would hear me." Navi was still gibbering on the ground with smoke rising off of her body.

Using his new silver scale, Link dove into the Domain and discovered a passage that led to Lake Hylia. How he survived without asphyxiating is beyond me. It didn't help that he forgot how to swim halfway through the tunnel.

"Help!" He yelled as he surfaced in Lake Hylia "I can't breathe!"

"Link…" Navi facepalmed. "You're at the surface."

"Oh, yeah…"

He floated there for a few seconds with a blank expression on his face. He floated. And floated. Then he saw the bottle.

"SHINY!" He screamed, diving down and came back up, gnawing happily on the bottle.

"Link…" Navi sighed, before dragging him back into the Domain. "That was pointless."

"Hey guys!" Link said happily, waving to Gohma and Dodongo, who had been waiting patiently. "I found this paper in a shiny!" He waved a small message in one hand and the bottle in the other.

"DADADAAA!" The man yelled, a little late for once. "You got a message in a bottle! Give it to King Zora to do some more stuff!"

"…Okay…" Link shrugged, going up the stairs to see King Zora. As though anyone wanted to see that fat-ass.

The King read the message and then sat upright.

"Princess Ruto is in Jabu-Jabu's belly?" He gasped.

"What in the fuck is a Jabu-Jabu?" Navi asked abruptly.

"Our guardian deity." The Zora King shrugged. "A giant lazy fish that only ever moves to eat. All he does is open his mouth and inhale. The best way to get in is to offer him a fish. If you rescue her, I'll give you anything you desire. With a few limitations."

He moved over. He scooted sideways a second time. A third. Agonizingly slow.

"I'm bored out of my mind…" Link moaned as the king scooted over.

"You don't have a mind to be bored out of." Gohma muttered.

Finally the King was out of the way. However he had blocked off the path.

"Oops." He said, possibly with a manic giggle. He began scooting the other way.

"SCREW THIS!" Kingy roared as he curled into a ball and smashed the king aside. The world rejoiced as he got rid of possibly one of the most morbidly obese creatures in Hyrule. The other being himself.

"It takes a fatty to kill a fatty." Gohma muttered.

"This is muscle, you oversized spider!" Dodongo roared. "I could squash you like the bug you are!"

Gohma leered. Suddenly her claw was held at the dinosaur's throat.

"Of course, you would have a new neck piercing." She hissed calmly. "Capiche?"

Kingy nodded in terror.

Link stared at the giant fish in awe. It lazed in the water, not seeming to notice the hideous monsters and the crossdresser standing in front of him.

"Just think… Endless sushi!" He giggled.

"Shut up." Navi snapped, throwing Jabu-Jabu a fish.

The massive…thing inhaled suddenly, so hard that he sucked everyone in. They fell in and crashed about falling all around. Link stood up with a slight wobble and staggered forward, only to be knocked over backwards by a Shabom.

"How do giant bubbles hurt me?" Link giggled as he ran into another, intentionally this time. "Answer? They only sting a tiny bit! Whee-hee!"

"This is the guy that Hyrule's destiny depends on?" Gohma moaned.

"We're all doomed! Doomed! Doomed! Doomed!" Kingy moaned, over and over again, until Navi smacked him over the head.

The advanced through the dungeon, until they found a small Zora standing in Jabu-Jabu's belly.

"That was easy!" Navi laughed. "Normally we have to travel around most of the dungeon until we come across some huge monster who we have to defeat/help out to open a blue circle which somehow takes us out!"

"Who are you?" The Zora girl, presumably Ruto demanded.

"I'm Link!" The crossdresser said proudly.

"And why are you wearing a skirt?" She said, backing away.

"It's a tunic!" Link snarled, pupils dilating slightly. Those who were aware of his demonic side, slowly backed away.

Ruto crossed her arms.

"Fine. Why are you here?"

"We came to rescue you." Gohma clicked. "The fat Zora asked us to do it."

"My father asked you to rescue me?" Ruto was surprised. "That fatass actually asked for help?"

"Uh yeah…" King Dodongo nervously examined a spot of blue Zora blood on his front claw. "Anyway come on."

"I'm not leaving!" She snarled, turning away. Somehow, she failed to notice the large pit in front of her and fell screaming to a lower level.

"How could anyone be so stupid as to not see that pit?" Navi asked, raising her eyebrow. No one noticed. Link jumped down and landed on a Bari, which led to a very painful electric shock. He then fell further and was battered backwards by a Shabom. He hit the ground with a painful snap.

"IT'S OKAY! I'm alright! I think my spine has exploded but I'm fine!" He called, sitting upright with his hands in the air.

"STALKER!" Ruto screamed trying to run away. She ran into a room with a bunch of monsters in it. They were promptly murdered in hideous ways. Link ran around in circles, jabbering about the boomerang they had dropped. He had endless fun throwing it repetitively into Dodongo and always getting it back no matter what.

"LINK! FOCUS!" Navi yelled as Ruto vanished into the ceiling and replaced by a giant Octorock.

"Whuh?" He asked as the Octo began eating him. It suddenly died of food poisoning.

"Link…" Gohma asked. "When did you last bathe?"

"What's 'bathe'?"

"Never ever let me bite you."

They went further through the dungeon until they came across a really weird monster.

"Is that its head or its ass?"

"I think that's his stomach… Or his heart."

"Kidneys. No… intestines. No… Spleen."

"How dare you!" The thing hissed. "I was about to ra- I mean… Uh… interrogate the Zora girl. Yeah. Nothing perverted about that… nope…"

"Kill it." Kingy growled, unleashing a fireball.

"I, Barinade, laugh at your pathetic attempts to hurt me!" The anemone hissed. Without warning he unleashed a barrage of lightning blasts that were obscenely fast and powerful for a third boss.

Link threw his boomerang and cut one of Barinade's tentacles. Barinade responded with a blast of electricity. Link rolled to the left and threw the boomerang again.

"Look, that is really annoying." He hissed, sending out a Bari to electrocute Link.

Gohma darted up the wall, sneaking towards Barinade's final tentacle, before clawing it off. Barinade fell to the ground and begun to unleash even more blasts at his opponents.

Finally, Ruto threw a pot at its… whatever it was. It suddenly screeched and fell to the ground gibbering in panic.

"No! Not the pot! ANYTHING BUT THE POT! I beg you! Please… dear god….PLEASE! I'll do anything…" Here Barinade began to sob. "Anything… please…"

Gohma looked at Kingy. Kingy looked at Navi. Navi looked at Link. Link looked at his boomerang. Barinade looked at the pot in terror. Ruto looked at her reflection in a small mirror which appeared from nowhere. Her reflection looked-

"OKAY!" Yelled Gohma. "WE GET IT!"

"How about this?" Navi asked. "Barinade was it? Well Barinade, come with our group on a quest to get rid of an ugly green guy with a gem on his head and magical powers who wants to destroy the world?"

"NEVER!"

"POT!"

"NOOOOOOOOO! OK, OK, OK! I'll come! I'll come!"

"Good Barinade."

They left in the glowy blue light circle. As it shall be known from now on; "GLOWY BLUE LIGHT CIRCLE!" I think that works. It describes it perfectly and it sounds-

"Get on with it." Snapped Ganondorf. "My scene is coming next chapter and you aren't speeding it up.

"Yeah! Get on with it!" Yelled Rauru.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Yelled the Kakiriko villagers.

But I like ranting! Raven complained And-

GeT oN wItH iT! Raven's queen boomed.

Meep! Yes ma'am! Raven whimpered, before skipping to the scene after Link get's the Zora's Sapphire.

"IMA GONNA THROW MAH BOMBS NOW!" Link suddenly decided, and began exploding everything in his way. Suddenly he found a cavern. "OOO!" He giggled, running in. He suddenly game back out screaming and gibbering.

"What horrors could be in that cave over there?" Barinade gasped.

"Great fairy." Gohma shrugged, before turning to leave.

"Just a moment…" Barinade hissed, turning towards the cave, muttering something about touching.

He came out screaming. After he and Link regained consciousness, they headed towards Hyrule castle.

Unaware what was waiting for them…

Do I just suck? Meh.

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