Chapter 14
Can't Fight This Feeling
Joe sat on the couch in the tour bus. It was about time for sound check to be up and he was just writing some new lyrics, once again it was a desperate love song, he was still trying to get over Adam and he had another number one hit on his hands that he could use to do it. Tommy came in without him noticing he was so wrapped up in his work,
"Hey, babe." He sat down next to him.
"Oh hey…" Joe said with little enthusiasm.
"On no…what's going on?"
"I want to put an album together, and I don't have any money for songwriters, my dad managed to turn the company on me, they said I could make another record, and a music video with there money, but they said that I would have to write all the songs by myself and have at least 3 of them become billboard #1."
"Wow…so what's the problem you're an amazing song writer."
"I can't do it! I can't write! I can't write anything that isn't based around, Adam! I don't want to stay hung up on him. I can't do this! It hurts too much I don't love him anymore, i- it's I it's so hard."
"Oh honey, it's okay. I love you… it's alright."
"No it's not alright! It's not okay! It's just not! It's not okay."
"I love you…. I love you so much…you're going to be okay...calm down it's gonna be alright,"
"No! It's not! I should have listened to my dad! I should have given up when he gave me the chance. I should have, I should have…"
"No, no you're an amazing man who deserves nothing that your dad, or Adam has done to you, you only deserve the best…don't beat yourself up about this, come on, let me see what you were working on…" Tommy pulled him onto the couch and grabbed his notebook from the table opening to the page Joe was last working on and sat it in his lap. Tommy read off of it, well sang… to the best of his ability.
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
Cause what you don't understand
Is
I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue
Beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad man, bad boy
That's just what you are
Yeah, you smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
Cause what you don't understand
Is I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on the blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same
If my body was on fire
You would watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
Cause you never ever ever did, baby
But, darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on the blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes I would die for you baby
But you won't do the same
No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you'd never do the same
Oh, no no no
"Damn baby this is really good, where in the hell do you come up with this stuff?"
"I don't know it just happens, but see every single song in this is about Adam, I don't want a whole album about him, he's a dick."
"Well think of it like this, you could name it 'The Dick' and put a picture of him on the front of it."
"I should you know that…"
"That would put him in his place,"
"That would be really mean though, I mean he's getting married, I agreed to the divorce."
"So what, he was un-faithful and un-loyal."
"I love him."
"But what about me?"
"Tommy I love you but I just can't get over him… I need help."
"That's right, that's why I want you to get into therapy."
"No! I don't want to! I want to stay with you! I can't not now, please I just can't not now!"
"Joe, I really don't think it's a good idea to go overseas, with Adam and Sauli, when they are going to get married, I don't think it's a good idea to have you at the wedding."
"You don't want me there?"
"No, I do want you there, I just don't think that your still unsteady when the topic of Adam occurs so it would be better to stay back, even if he invites you."
"You can't make decisions for me! Who do you think you are!"
"Oh I certainly can, especially when you are so emotionally unstable,"
"No! No! Tommy I need you, you can't leave me here! I don't have anyone anymore,"
"Ask your brothers, mom, dad?"
"You know my dad hates me, and my brothers aren't too keen on my orientation either, my mom is sick right now, and she can't do much, so your all I have."
"Well maybe you should find yourself some other friends, I mean you refuse to come places with my friends and I,"
"Because your friends are drug addicts,"
"And you've never smoked a joint."
"A few times, but not as much as your friends do!"
"Fine I'll give you that one, but what about the people who used to be in your band? That Garbage guy, and that Jack Black dude."
"Garbo and Jack? They are both married and trying to start families, besides they haven't heard from me in a few years."
"So, can't you just-"
"No! I can't do this without you, please, will you at least stay for my first counseling session, you are my boyfriend after all, and the only part of support I have."
"Fine, if I do that do you promise to stay in the sessions until we figure out what's wrong?"
"You think there's something wrong with me?"
"No!"
"That's what you just said!"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Than what did you mean?"
"I mean, you've been acting kind of odd lately, like not yourself at all! You're hot, then your cold,"
"Please, no need for a song."
"Shut up, I really need you to listen to me, I mean it you've been acting strange lately, I mean you're still you, but different. You like are having these mood swings, like one minute your all giddy and happy and positive you're over Adam and the next I find you crying on the bathroom floor, because Adam and Sauli were making out again, and I mean look at you now, when I knew you before you went to war, you always were hot headed, and had a small attention span it seemed, but now, you just seem anxious, and almost reckless, I mean really, your all lovey and kissy one moment and the next your pushing me away. Every predicament that come up it seems like you go to the worst possible circumstance and you seem to be a bit more irritable lately."
"I am not irritable!"
"Oh yeah?"
"I'm not irritable! I just don't want to be bothered!"
"Joe, we have a 10:30AM flight tomorrow, just get some sleep, we can talk to a therapist when we get there."
"Okay,"
"Good, now stay put, I'm going to tell Adam that I'll be staying for a week longer and to get a replacement, but only one week."
"Okay…hurry, I can't sleep without you." Tommy nodded, empathy rising for his boyfriend. Tommy came closer and kissed his cheek before walking out of the room to go talk to Adam who was next door, hopefully not fucking Sauli at the moment, though he didn't hear anything he highly doubted that was the case.
"Tommy? Is something wrong?" Adam said as he answered the door.
"No, not really, I just need to take a week off, I'm bringing Joe back to L.A. I don't think it's safe for him to be around you and Sauli, he's going to snap sometime soon. So I talked to him about therapy, he reluctantly agreed, after a long time, and told me he would go as long as I came with him to his first and second appointments, since they are starting now, and we have a flight tomorrow, and the tour doesn't start till next week we'll be fine for the first session, but when tour starts you're going to need a replacement for the first 5 shows."
"Why?"
"Because Joe needs me."
"Tommy, do you honestly think he loves you? Your just his rebound off of me he never honestly cared, I mean come on, he still hasn't gotten over me, it's been almost 6 months!"
"6 months isn't a very long time, remember how long it took me to get over Megan?"
"A year and a half."
"Exactly."
"Fine, but don't come to me, because all I'm gonna say is I Told You So!"
"You are heartless, Joe was right."
"Shut up!" Adam said.
"Sorry, I was just stating a fact. The reason I'm putting him in therapy is because of you, you became a trigger for him, after war, then you, you guys were so happy before he left, why did you go and cheat on him, don't pretend like you hadn't been seeing Sauli prior to him leaving, because I know you were."
"I don't know, I mean he never wanted to get in bed any more and-"
"Whoa, hold up. You couldn't get him in bed so you cheated on him?"
"No! That came out wrong."
"You know what Adam Mitchell Lambert? You are a Slut, you are a cheating, whoring, slut!" Tommy told him, and I'm not surprised, this is your lifestyle anyway, are you sure you should marry Sauli, "because I certainly don't have time to rehabilitate another one of your flicks." Tommy said before stomping back off to the room.
"Joe, I'm taking the week off, and we are going to have sex right now!" Tommy demanded.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, I want sex, I need it now!" Tommy said.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that…" Joe said before attacking his lips.
"Take that Adam" Tommy thought. "The Adam Lambert can't get him in bed, and I can!"
Tommy relaxed into the kiss and began participating, pushing Joe up he flipped him over, still relatively smaller than Joe, he managed to get his clothes off of him, and take full control by sucking on his sweet spots.
They finished making love, twice, by that time it was almost 12:30. Tommy went to take a shower, Joe went to do the same in the second bathroom. He got out first and went back to the bed, turning on his side towards the window, he covered himself and bunched up a ball of the comforter, it was from the bus, they took it to every hotel, mainly because they both liked how soft it was. Bunching it uo, he pulled it close to his face, he began to cry. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't stop. He didn't even hear Tommy come out and lay down, he was crying harder by then, he was shaking, and sobbing silently. Tommy noticed this and he climbed over him. And wrapped two small, yet strong arms around him.
"Hey, hey honey what's going on?"
"I-I don't know, I'm so confused, I love you… but it's just Adam… he I love you so much." Joe tripped over his words.
"What do you mean?"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I CAN'T SAY IT! EVERY TIME I TRY IT COMES OUT ALL WRONG! EVERYTHING COMES OUT WRONG, I TRY TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU, AND IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M CRINGING AS I SAY IT AND I DON'T HAVE A HELL OF A CLUE WHY!"
"Joe, I have one question to ask you, and I want an honest answer. Do you still have feelings for Adam?"
"Yes." He answered without hesitation.
"Am I a rebound?"
"NO!"
"Think hard, are you sure?"
"I'm positive Tommy, I love you, with all my heart, it's just that, I mean I loved Adam to, and I mean I don't think you'd ever hurt me like he did it's just-"
"It's hard to trust after your hurt so bad."
"Yes."
"It's okay, I promise to never hurt you, I love you with all my heart, and I won't ever stop loving you… your amazing and Adam honestly, he's a dick, and he doesn't know what he's missing."
"Thank you, your all I've ever wanted… I guess Adam really is heartless."
"Yeah, he kind of is, and he's not worth the tears, so let's just go to bed now, then it's back home to L.A. in the morning."