Chapter 18
What Hurts The Most

Joe woke up to Tommy rushing around like an idiot, he was half dressed and it looked like he was freaking out.
"Oh thank god your up, hurry get dressed, I let you sleep for as long as I could, we're gonna be so late! I'm supposed to be early, I mean I'm the Best Man…fuck…come on!" Joe was a bit confused and then it all clicked, the wedding. He pulled himself out of bed and over to the closet, where his suit hung. It was an extremely formal wedding, and so he had to wear something nice as much as he didn't want to go, he had to. So he quickly got up and got dress. in the shower he was thinking. What was he doing? He didn't have to go to this thing. Tommy wasn't the boss of him, neither was that therapist, He was going to stay here, and Tommy couldn't' do a thing about it.
"Baby why aren't you dressed."
"I'm not going." He said.
"What, you have to?"
"Why?"
"Because I can't leave you alone."
"Yes you can."
"No I can't."
"Why not?"
"The therapist told me not to."
"Oh so she said, 'don't leave Joe alone,' or did she say, 'I don't think it would be a good idea to leave him alone."
"The second one."
"So you can leave me alone, you just don't want to."
"No Joe, I want you to come to the wedding so you can get over this, honestly this is really annoying, and stupid, I'm not going to wait around forever for somebody to love me, there are millions of other men and women who would be happy to be the person I need and want right now, I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but if you can't honestly get over him, and prove it to me, we're over, I can't do this anymore, I don't know if you realize this but it hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Every time we make love, I know your thinking of him, and it hurts, as much attention as you give me during our inmate encounters i know your head is still on him, and not me, as much as I want all those 'I love you's' to have been real they aren't and until you can get over him we're done, come to the car as soon as your dressed, don't take more than 15 minutes." Tommy took his over coat and slung it over his shoulder, grabbing the guitar case and heading out the door without another word.
Joe sat shellshocked by what had just happened. He felt like crying. He didn't know what to do, were he and Tommy really over? If they were how was he going to get through this wedding without completely breaking down? He was going to have to find a way, if he made it, maybe it would be enough to prove to them that he was over him… yeah this is all it would take, to get through this wedding and then Tommy would love him again. He was convinced.
Entering the chapel and taking his seat, he waited quietly in the back corner, while the rest of it filled up with friends and family from both sides, he had never felt so alone in a room full of people, nobody talked to him, and if they even acknowledged him at all they would give him the odd looks of 'what is he doing here?' making him bow his head in shame. He kept his gaze low, when he felt two arms wrap around him, a bit startled he let out a little gasp, looking up he saw Lelia. Quickly he casted his gaze down again,
"Hey Boo, what's the matter?"
"I'm sorry…" He said.
"For what?"
"For causing trouble, I should have just accepted it from the start…"
"Shhh, I understand. I know what it's like there's nothing to be ashamed of…I know exactly what it's like, it's hard, and I'll still be there for you as long as you need me, I know you don't have many people anymore, and just want you to know you'll always be a son to me, as will Sauli and Adam."
"Thanks Lelia, honestly I don't think you understand how much that means to me."
"Is something wrong?" Lelia asked.
"What? Other than the fact that my boyfriend dumped me, and told me he didn't want me until I could honestly love him, or the fact that the only person I'll ever love is about to walk down that aisle and commit there life to somebody other than me, and I'm forced to just sit here and watch!" Joe turned away to compose himself after his voice broke.
"Honey, I'm so sorry for what he did to you… It wasn't right of him, it was horrible and wrong and I have talked to him about it, he's truly sorry."
"Than why is he marrying him."
"Sweetheart that's not how it works."
"I know…I just want to be happy for them…you know what? I should be, I have well, had, a hot boyfriend, who by the way is way better than Adam, if you know what I mean, who let's me top, who's hot, and talented. I have a nice condo to live in, an amazing career of my own going, and I really should be happy I'm huts not and I don't know why considering all the amazing things happening to me, I just don't know why I'm not…"
"You're not because you want him all to yourself and thats reasonable, I do understand and it's okay…so don't feel ashamed, the ceremonies gonna start soon, I should get back there, thanks for coming, and I know this is going to be hard, but I'm glad you decided to show, when he sent you that invite he was so nervous and he kicked himself for doing it for days, he really wanted you here, he wanted you here as a best man, but he was afraid to ask, he knew you'd say no considering the circumstances."
"I'm kinda glad he didn't, but it would have been an honor to be asked, I would have declined though."
"Well anyway, I know he wouldn't dare come out and say it but I know he's glad your here."
"You really think so?"
"I know so…"
"Thanks Lelia…" Joe said.
"Anytime honey, I'm only a phone call away." Joe smiled as she stood up to leave.
The lights in the building dimmed and then they brightened, turning an aura of colors, Joe wasn't surprised, he knew this wedding was going to be anything but ordinary, he wouldn't be surprised if Adam had Sauli cross-dressed, or he himself was. The lights slowed to an elegant glow, and Sauli appeared at the end of the aisle, along with Kris(Kris Allen, Adam's second Best Man, and Sauli's half cousin) The wedding procession began, the flower girls Ariel and Ebony, Monte's little girls, and the ring barer, little three year old Riff, then Monte and Lisa Tommy with Brad, Sutan with Raja, Isaac with Sophie, Brooke and her husband, Sasha and Camilla, Neil and Allison (Iraheta), and then the moment came, after everyone else was situated in the first pews of the church. 'Better Than I Know Myself' rang through the church, and the doors opened, the congregation turned there heads in respect, there he was, Adam. On the arms of his parents, Leila on the left and Eber on the right. Joe had pictured this moment for so long, except from a totally different view, he at the front of the church smiling, in a pink tux, like he had promised Adam he'd wear if they ever got married. This was totally different, here he was in a pew, watching as his life walked down that aisle, he felt a lump forming in his throat, but he swallowed it back, he genuinely wanted Adam to be happy with the choice he made for the rest of his life, and if this was what he wanted, than Joe would just have to accept it. He watched Adam float down the aisle, and reach the end, turning to face Sauli, Tommy and Kris stood up, each holding a ring, they were joined in front of the alter. He barley noticed the vows being said, before he heard the words that would ring in his ears for the rest of his life. "I do…" the words fell like honey from Adam's lips towards Sauli, but to Joe they kit and crushed him with the force of a bowling ball. The ring slid on Saulis finger made it official, and then the moment…'You may kiss your husband.' the man said. Adam leaned in and pressed his lips to Sauli's, slow and loving, passionate, and full. Everything hung on that kiss, a silence after they pulled away, and as they turned towards the congregation, everyone was at there feet, clapping and cheering. Joe clapped politely along with everyone else, a sick feeling was creeping into his chest, and he was tearing up. he felt like sobbing but he couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair, plus he really wanted Tommy to love him, as soon as the grooms were out of the church and on there way to the reception, everyone else filed out as well, Tommy came over to Joe and hugged him.
You did it baby I'm sorry I didn't think you could I'm sorry for doubting you, you want to go to the reception?" "Yeah…" Joe said staying as strong as he could. Tommy took his hand and led him out of the building, and to the car they would be sharing with Sophie and Isaac to take them to the reception hall. Joe was silent the whole ride as the other three chatted away not acknowledging his existence, talking about the wedding, and Adam's outfit. Joe wanted to disappear, he just wanted to evaporate, or die. He resisted the tears that threatened to fall, and then the car stopped, finally they were here. He stepped out and decided that he was going to have a long night, Tommy went to go get his bass out of the trunk and came over to Joe. Taking his arm they walked into the party, which was already in full swing. Adam and Sauli were grinding up on each other a sight that made Joe want to vomit, except that wouldn't be fair if he did, so he kept his mouth shut. It was an open stage mic as entertainment and Tommy put his bass down next to the stage, and went off to talk to Isaac and Monte about performing later, they agreed after dinner they would take the set list. So all beforehand Tommy could have his own fun. He looked around and didn't see Joe anywhere, where had he gone?