Disclaimer- I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Chapter name borrowed from Alice Cooper.

Alice, I could hug you for the title of this song!

Lyrics borrowed from Juvenescent Beat's 'It's Not About The Money, It's About The Glory'.

It's here, people! I'm so happy!

And we swam so hard, but the current pulled us under,

And it swept us into the fury of the tide,

And we reached so far, but our arms were torn asunder.

And we grabbed our hearts whose beating came like thunder

And we could not win; we were so resigned to die,

And we swam apart; there I was left to wonder.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX- LOVE'S A LOADED GUN

"Sam, you don't have to do this," Dean held out his hand for the gun.

"I do, Dean," Sam wiped at the tear tracks on his cheek.

"She asked me to."

The gun shook in his grasp.

"Just…. just wait here, okay?"

Sam walked out the room.

As soon as he went, Dean allowed a tear to roll down his own cheek.

I stood close to him, letting my own fall.

I couldn't block any of it now.

We flinched at the sound of a gunshot in the other room.

~Supernatural~

Sam, ashen-faced and shivering, burrowed into his bed face-first.

He did not even notice Castiel.

"Cas," I muttered in relief.

He inclined his head at me, as if he knew what I needed to say.

I closed my eyes.

I'd denied everything long enough.

"Dean, Cas, Sam," I managed to choke out.

"There's something I need to tell you."

Sam, scrutinizing my expression, sat up in bed.

Dean narrowed his eyes at me.

Only Castiel remained impassive, as usual.

"It's gone on long enough."

I sat next to Sam, and he squeezed my shoulder, looking at me worriedly.

"I know you're curious," I shifted my gaze to Dean.

"I know you're suspicious. I think I owe the three of you an explanation."

Sam glanced at me.

"Odette, if this is-"

I interrupted him.

"No, Sam. If I can't trust you guys, I can't trust anybody."

I finally met their gazes.

"It's time I told you. Everything."

~Supernatural~

I hugged the photo album to my chest as I met three pairs of eyes.

"My dad is Matt Slessor," I whispered.

"He's the one who bought the haunted painting the last time we were here."

Dean slowly sat beside me, and Castiel moved forward.

I curled a finger around the cover, easing out a photo.

I set it down.

"That's my mom. Alana Slessor."

Sam put an arm around me as he stared at it.

"She's beautiful," Dean said gruffly.

I attempted a smile, but I was conscious of the tears already in my eyes.

I held it in front of me.

"You know," I blinked harder.

"I used to think my mom was the prettiest woman on the planet. Sometimes, she'd go outside, and if you looked hard enough, her hair seemed almost red in the sunlight. I used to be so proud I had the same eyes."

I swallowed, steeling myself.

"She'd sing, and even the birds would stop to listen."

A tear trickled down my cheek.

"That was the happiest time of my life," I hung my head.

"She died when I was nine."

Sam hugged me harder as I looked down.

"Gas leak. I was there. She told me to run, to leave her behind and get help."

I held Sam's hand in mine as I forced myself to continue.

"By the time I did, she was dead."

I smiled wryly.

"Six months later, Dad married someone else."

I looked at their expressions, spreading out my hands.

"Don't get me wrong, Dad loved Mom. The code on my house," I reminded Dean.

"It was the date of my mother's birthday. That's how I was able to open it."

I curled into a ball.

"He couldn't deal. He needed a distraction. So Dad found someone else."

Dean growled.

"What a-"

Sam cut him off with a glare.

"So I had to take care of my brother alone," I murmured.

"He was seven when Mom died."

I pulled out another photo, suppressing my tears at the sight of his curly blond hair and innocent brown eyes.

Dean tugged it from my hand.

"What's his name?"

"Sam."

The three of them started.

I smiled tremulously.

"We used to call him Sammy, too."

Dean looked at me almost as if he understood.

"Used to?"

I hung my head.

"I loved him more than Dad, so much more. I was willing to do anything for him."

I half-laughed, half-sobbed.

"I still remember the very first time he spoke. He looked up at me, and said my name. Odette. That was his first word."

Sam put both his arms around me as I shook silently.

"Sammy was the best little brother anyone could ever have. He cried when I cried, even when he was too little to know the reason. As long as I had him, things were at least a bit stable."

"But it was hard without Mom. Dad was getting distant, we never saw him anymore. Sam was afraid. He'd have nightmares every night. I tried my best to stop them, but how much could I do? I used to have nightmares myself. Sometimes I couldn't even get out of the house, couldn't talk, couldn't eat. I wasn't dealing. I couldn't deal. "

I rested my head against Sam's shoulder.

"There were times when I didn't know what to do anymore. Times when I couldn't think straight, I was going crazy missing Mom so much. Times when I wanted to lie down and die."

"It was my fault," I added.

"I let Sam go out in the rain. He'd always loved it."

I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood.

"He got a pretty bad case of pneumonia," My voice trembled.

Dean's eyes flashed to mine.

He already knew.

But I said it anyway.

"A week," I buried my head in Sam's chest.

"I had to watch him die, bit by bit, for a week, and there was nothing I could do about it."

Then I started sobbing in earnest, and Sam rocked me back and forth on his lap as if I were five, not fifteen.

"It wasn't your fault," Castiel said unexpectedly.

"I've told you that so many times."

I scrubbed at my face.

"I'm not finished yet, Cas."

Dean huffed.

I hitched in a breath.

"Dad was…" I flinched.

"He got completely closed off, just worked all day long. Sometimes all night. Got into drugs, smoking, everything. I tried. I tried so hard to help him, but it never worked."

I hunched in on myself.

"I think he blamed me for surviving. Mom was gone, Sam was gone. I was the only one left."

"Truthfully?" I raised my head. "I blamed myself too."

"Dad started drinking. He just wanted to forget."

I absently traced the thin scar on my elbow.

Dean caught my arm.

"Did he do that?"

I pulled it away at once.

My face was answer enough for them.

"That sick son of a bitch!" Dean cursed, latching onto my arm.

Something like anger flashed in Castiel's eyes.

Sam held me tightly, growling under his breath.

"How?"

"Um," I looked down. "Beer bottle. It was only one time, I-"

"I'll kill him," Dean fumed. "I'll do it now!"

"No!"

My outburst surprised them into silence.

"Please, he's still my dad. You can't."

Dean stared at my face.

My tears still hadn't dried.

"Fine, Bambi. Just this once."

Sam squeezed my shoulder.

"Anything else, Odette?"

I froze.

This was it.

If I told them….. they would hate me, I was sure of it.

But I couldn't continue lying to them like this.

I'm so scared. I don't want to do this.

Castiel looked my way, and blinked once, as if to reassure me.

Thanks, Cas.

I popped open the locket and stared through wet eyes at his picture.

I unhooked it, and it glinted in my hand.

They were waiting.

"Do you remember Sarah's brother, Sam?"

Sam frowned at the mention of her.

"Yeah, sure, the one who got shot?"

My nails cut into my palm.

"I'm the one who shot him."

~Supernatural~

Dean sent the table lamp flying through the air.

"I knew it! I knew something like this was gonna happen!"

I flinched back from the anger in his eyes.

Sam was almost worse.

He looked at me with pain-filled eyes.

"How could you do something like that, Odette?"

How could I indeed? How could I murder my best friend, my family, my…. everything?

The thought was cut off, as Dean's curses grew louder.

"Let her speak!"

Castiel's voice whipped through the air, instantly calling for silence.

He crouched down in front of me, coaxing me to look up at him.

"Odette. Tell me."

So I did.

I closed my eyes so as not to see the accusation in their eyes.

Accusation I deserved.

"I met Jared when I was two," I whispered, finally opening my eyes.

"We lived next door to each other, and my ball fell in his garden one day, he brought it over to my place. He was half-Spanish, like me, and my parents liked his family."

I looked away.

"The rest, as we say, was history. We were best friends, inseparable. We did everything together."

I curled in tighter around myself.

"Jared was the only thing keeping me together after Mom died. Without him, I couldn't have taken care of Sam the way I did. And when my brother died…."

I choked on my own words.

"I would have fallen apart without him. Jared was everything. He came first, before anything and anyone."

Dean scowled at me.

"Then how-"

"Let her finish," Castiel said abruptly.

"Things changed when I was twelve," I clutched the bedspread harder.

"I'd always known I'd loved Jared, and I knew he loved me, but this was different."

I looked up sadly at Dean's skeptical snort.

"I know what you're thinking, Dean," I lowered my head.

"But what would you know of love, when all you do is pick up women whose faces you don't even remember the next week? Don't you think eleven years were enough to know?"

My cheeks were wet again.

Dean was silent.

"We were probably too young."

I laughed bitterly.

"Hell, we were too young. But we didn't care. Jared was the one good thing in my life. When everything was collapsing around me, Jared was the one constant that I thought would always stay."

I grasped the locket in my hand.

"You know, if you asked me whether he was handsome or smart or witty, I couldn't tell you. He was just Jared. That was all. That was enough."

The tears were falling fast now, and I didn't even try to control them.

"Life was difficult. We weren't happy, but we were getting there. And then everything fell apart. Again."

My palms were bleeding; I'd pressed my nails in so hard.

"I was thirteen. We were going to the park, and something…. took Jared."

Dean and Sam stiffened.

"Took?" Sam echoed.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"This man. He was tall and dark, and he grabbed Jared. I tried to get him, but he knocked me aside. There was something in his eyes….. something…. not human."

I closed my eyes, but it did nothing to stop the tears seeping out.

"He made me watch," I trembled.

"He… he mixed his blood with Jared's and….."

I couldn't continue.

I didn't need to hear the triple inhalations of breath to know that they slowly understood.

But I'd spoken too much.

I couldn't stop now.

"Jared went missing. The police went crazy trying to find him. And then the murders started happening."

I shuddered, remembering those weeks.

"Dozens of people. Sucked dry of blood. It got so bad I had to carry a gun with me wherever I went."

Sam's eyes were widening in horror now.

"I was walking through an alleyway when I saw him. Jared. He….. he was drinking a little girl's blood."

Dean inhaled sharply.

Castiel's eyes were fixed on me now, and I tried to calm myself by looking at him.

"I ran all the way home. I didn't tell the cops, how could I? I didn't want to believe it was Jared. I couldn't believe it was Jared."

I put my head in my hands.

"A week later Jared was in my room. He told me he was a monster. That he couldn't control himself. He begged me to kill him."

Sam's eyes swiveled to mine.

"Odette….."

"At first I refused. Killing him would be like killing myself. But people were dying, and I couldn't just sit by. Couldn't stand the guilt."

My lips trembled.

"So I found him out. Same alleyway. I wasn't strong enough to do it, but he pleaded with me to save him. So I….."

The bed shook with my shudders.

"So I shot him in the head. I killed him. I killed the best thing that had ever happened to me. "

I sunk to the floor, and let myself weep, finally.

I had nothing more to say.

Sam picked me up gently, wrapping his arms around me in a fierce hug.

"God, Odette, I'm so sorry…."

I buried my head in his chest.

"Kid?"

I looked up warily at Dean.

He ruffled my hair hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, Bambi, I should've known."

He shifted uncomfortably.

"It's okay, Dean. It's my fault, anyway."

Dean grabbed my forearm.

"No it wasn't. You did the right thing."

That only made me cry harder.

"Dean, I shot the one person I loved in the head. How in the hell is that the right thing?"

He had no answer for me.

Castiel bent down in front of me.

He hooked a finger under my chin, pulling my head up.

I blinked at him, confused.

"Listen to me, Odette," Castiel ordered.

"It wasn't your fault. Stop feeling guilty. You did what you had to do."

I hung my head, wishing I could believe him.

"Look at me."

I raised my head.

"How many more people would have died if you hadn't done it?" Castiel demanded.

"Your soul is pure, Odette. The purest, brightest soul I've ever seen."

Sam hugged me closer to him.

"None of us blame you, Odette. You shouldn't be guilty."

He looked harder at me.

"That's why you wanted to shoot Madison, wasn't it?"

I nodded mutely.

Sam shook his head.

"How did you…"

"Survive?" I laughed humorlessly.

"Hardly, Sam. I was afraid I was going insane. I couldn't block out the memories, they'd play out again and again till it was madness in my head. The time when I twisted my ankle and Jared had to carry me home, the day he walked across town to get me my birthday present, the cat Jared gave to me, how we both caught colds dancing in the rain, each and every moment I spent with him. And once they finished, it started again in a vicious, never-ending loop."

"I didn't survive, Sam. I was weak. I gave up."

I looked at the faint line on my wrist.

Dean saw it too, snatching away my hand.

"You…."

I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Yes, Dean. I tried to kill myself. There wasn't any point living anymore. Not without him."

Sam's hold on me tightened reflexively.

"Sarah found me in time, sent me to the hospital. Otherwise it would've worked. I was desperate. Without Jared, I was nothing. He'd been the only think keeping me together. I had to leave. So I got my emancipation and fled to Maine. The rest you know."

"Damn it, kid," Dean sighed, thumbing away the tears on my face.

"I was so close to giving up again," I whispered.

"What changed your mind?" Sam looked down at me.

"This."

I pulled out the letter from my pocket, unfolding it so they could see.

Sam whispered a "Sorry," into my head as he finished reading it.

Dean swore under his breath.

"That's what you meant by what you said to Meg, wasn't it?"

I nodded.

"It's the least I could do."

Castiel finished last.

"I would have liked to meet him."

That was it.

I couldn't control my tears any longer.

I sobbed so hard I frightened Sam, even alarmed Dean.

Sam's eyes were pained as he rubbed my back soothingly.

I could tell he was thinking of Madison.

"Does it always hurt this much?" Sam murmured almost inaudibly.

I knew what he meant, and I longed to give him a different answer.

"Always."

~Supernatural~

I walked through the moonlit gravel path, steeling myself for what I had to do.

I needed closure.

Hardly had I laid the flowers on their graves when I sensed him behind me.

"Hey, Cas."

My voice was raspy, still choked and raw.

He moved to stand with me.

"Dean and Sam are looking for you."

I nodded, unsurprised.

"What did you tell them, Cas?"

He hesitated.

"I told them…. you needed to pay your respects."

I glanced up at him as I knelt down.

"How do you know me so well, Cas?"

He sank down to the ground with me.

"It's not that hard, Odette."

Castiel paused.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No," I surprised even myself. "Stay. I think it could help."

"Cas?"

"Yes."

I didn't know why I was even telling him all this.

"My mom was wearing orange the day she died. I've never been able to wear it ever again. I can't even look at an orange without feeling sick."

I shivered in the cold night air.

"When I was upset or scared, she'd make me hot chocolate with cinnamon. It always helped. It's stupid, but I keep drinking it, because it makes me feel closer to her somehow."

Castiel gazed at me.

"It's not stupid."

I wrapped my arms around my knees, and Castiel looked at my tattered bracelet.

"Sam made it for me," I smiled thinly. "When he was four. To protect me, he said."

My smile faltered as I looked at the last grave.

"Jared gave me the locket. I still know what he'd written on the side. 'So you'll always remember me'."

I breathed out shakily.

"As if I could ever forget."

There was nothing I could say about my father.

"Odette."

I turned my head to Cas' side.

"I'm sorry about what you've had to go through."

It was awkward and stilted, but I knew it was sincere.

"Cas? Will you promise me something?"

He tilted his head curiously.

"What?"

I caught onto his sleeve.

"One way or another, everyone leaves me, Castiel. Promise me you'll stay."

Please.

"I promise."

"Thanks, Cas."

His promise filled me with the courage to say what I'd come here for.

"Mom." I was proud that my voice remained steady.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. That we couldn't get there in time. I wish you could see me now. I tried my best with Dad, I tried so hard, Mom, believe me, I tried."

The words stuck in my throat.

"But I couldn't, Mom. I'm sorry."

Castiel's steady presence helped me some.

I twisted the bracelet on my arm.

"Sammy. My baby brother. I'm so, so sorry I couldn't protect you, mijo. I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I love you, Sam. You're the best little brother ever. I'd give anything to have you back. Please forgive me."

I swallowed as I faced the last grave.

"Jared. I'm trying, Jared. I'm trying so hard. I promise, I'll keep going. I won't give up. I love you. Help me, please. Help me get some hope."

Had it been Sam, or even Dean with me, I would not have hesitated to hug them.

But since it was Cas, I settled myself for resting my head against his knee.

He started once, then tentatively placed a feather-light hand on my shoulder for a second.

So I knelt by the graves of my family with an angel by my side, and wept.