On days like this you can find me in the Pit, sitting near the Chasm. From far away, it looks like I am bravely looking death in the face: my legs swing off the side, my hands holding onto the bars above me, my torso pushing out so I feel the strain in my arms; the fact that one slip, one miscalculation, and I could be at the bottom of this thing. One might think I look peaceful, but not Amity peaceful- a Dauntless peaceful. The kind that makes all the other factions fear us. Up close, though, you'd be able to see my fingers clenched so hard on the bar they feel numb and you could probably hear my heart racing.
When I sit here, it's probably because I hate everyone, but today, I particularly hate myself.
I hate myself because I can't stop looking at her. Marlene is everywhere: my head, my dreams, in front of me at dinner. She can't vacate my mind long enough to let me sort out my feelings for her, decide where I stand, although it will always be one-sided.
I sigh. My left hand slips.
Shit.
I am not quick enough, though, and my body sways with the dead weight of my arm. Simultaneously, my right hand loses it's grip, too, but I know it will hold, I just have to breathe. Forcing my body weight back in a graceless roll, I feel myself moving farther from the edge. I stand quickly, but not before I feel someone watching.
"Lynn…" I know that voice, the way it is condescending and caring at the same time, but even all the same.
"Four, I know, okay. You don't need to remind me!" I roll my eyes and turn around, our shoulders brushing as I pass.
"You realize I just lost a transfer that same way, right?" I feel his anger creeping inside my skin.
"I wasn't going to do anything, alright! I'm stable!" I throw my hands into the air, refusing to turn around. I know they're all watching me, seeing how close I put guns near my head; they all think I'm suicidal.
"It's easy to assume you'll survive a stupid stunt- that's why people always attempt that kind of crap!" Now he's in front of me, hands in his pockets. The relaxed pose. I'm in the clear, this time.
"I promise I won't do it again!" I say as I would to my mother.
"Lynn, if I even see you glance at the chasm with the same smugness you look at a knife… I will tackle you. No hold's barred." Four knows about me, about those feelings I make sure no one can read, because he's that kind of guy: intelligent, thoughtful, and crazy as fuck. I like Four, I trust him, even though he is sometimes a pain in the ass.
"Fine, just don't hurt my face too much, if you do tackle me. That's the money maker." I breathe a laugh and he laughs, too, a big chuckle that makes him lean back. He must have drunk something tonight; icebergs don't chill that fast.
"C'mon, lets go get some cake." He points his eyes toward the cafeteria.
"If you insist…" I drag my first few steps, making him laugh even more. "God, Four, you are acting extremely unlike yourself."