CHAPTER 4
Karen felt a small pang in her chest before stepping out on stage for her first song. It was the usual tinge of nervousness, but it turned out to have a good effect on her performance.
Back even when she was little and took piano lessons, her teacher used to make recitals every six months to show how well the children progressed. Mrs. Fillips was a woman of great heart who took extra precautions to make sure every student was on their maximal level of effort. Karen, despite having turned to the instrument later than the other kids, caught up fast thanks to her incredible hearing. Although whenever she would step out onto the stage and sit before the piano, she would feel a slight dizziness that would eventually begin to guide her fingers and mind into full devotion to the piece.
She still felt and remembered it to this day when performing "Bombshell", but it was reduced into a simple pang and rushed heartbeat.
"Ready? You're up in five," the costume lady, Mandy, zipped up her golden dress for the last number. The show moved at an incredible pace, from first to last lyric, and Karen didn't even have time to realize that it was over the second it began. Within the blink of an eye, the audience arrived and departed, and so did her adrenaline.
Karen breathed out sharply, shaking off the stress with her shoulders.
Joe DiMaggio exited the scene, and she strolled onto the stage with an aura of calm burning her skin.
She was greeted with the silence of a focused audience. The room had many more filled red leather seats than previously.
Karen sang the ultimate song with the same excitement and enthusiasm as last night. The rise and fall of her chest was driven with the sudden image of the star she was impersonating herself that invaded her mind.
Then, peculiarly, the pang in her chest returned. Her heartbeat quickened. She nearly slipped off her feet.
Let me be your – and "star" was gone. It was sort of a forgotten word as she pierced everyone's ears by catching the note too late. As would be missed a morning train which is sighed after the moment it leaves without the last clumsy passenger.
Karen let it slip, and caught the note the second after. She pretended it was meant to be this way to let the ears suffer a little longer before coming to the original tonic of the song. But everyone noticed. Everyone who had a good hearing and was concentrated on listening. And she knew in the pit of her stomach that they did.
As much as she wanted to, though, Karen didn't let it overwhelm her. She understood how much of an impact it had on the performance. It was the last song. The second most mesmerizing scene of the show. It would mean that she was disrespecting the reviews.
Still, she finished it. She had to give it an end. Karen leaned back towards the real star that was once again projected behind her.
The audience applauded without a second thought. Her smile gleamed, but the gleam didn't shine to the back of the room.
The ensemble joined her again. They bowed once, twice, thrice. The ran into the wings only to be called back with copious amounts of clapping. Karen felt alive inside.
"I missed the goddamn 'star'. And everyone heard it," Karen fell onto her chair with frustration.
"My ears didn't fall off, so I guess you're good," Bobby laughed.
"It's not funny. I'm letting everyone down. I'm letting Derek down."
"Karen, it's your first time. If you promise to never let go like that again, Broadway will forgive you," Dennis assured her.
"Don't let it break you. Don't dramatize it. You'll train your voice to have it belt out every single night with perfection. It takes time."
"Guys, it's Ivy!" Bobby interjected.
All faces turned to stare at him. "So?"
"Her mother just texted me..." he trailed off, slowly lifting his eyes to meet their anticipating ones. "She's not going to be out anytime soon. It's..."
"... worst case scenario," Jessica completed for him when he trailed off again.
The air rapidly filled with heavy, choking uneasiness.
"I have to talk to her," Karen suggested almost immediately. "I need to explain to her that it wasn't her fault. Otherwise she'll do it again because she wouldn't have understood."
"Karen?" a strong voice burst into the room. Karen turned to see Derek. "Your parents are here to see you."
The young woman stood up and almost ran past her director. He caught a whiff of yesterday's perfume that lingered on her again.
"Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?" Karen proceeded to hug her parents.
"We came to see you. Dev called to inform us that our girl would be playing Marilyn. We couldn't miss out on such a big event," her mother explained with incredible joy marking her words.
"Karen, honey, you were wonderful," her father added.
"Thank you! Thank you for coming. It means so much," Karen hugged her parents again. None notice Derek standing quietly by their side with crossed arms, smiling proudly.
"Are you staying for the night?"
"No, we have a plane to catch in two hours. We just came to watch."
"Oh, that's too bad. I wish we could have had dinner. I'll let you go now. I promise to come over as soon as I find the time!"
They hugged for a third time. "See you, sweetie. Good luck!"
The parents took off with Karen's eyes following them in their wake.
"Nice folks," Derek finally uttered, much to Karen's surprise.
"Derek! I didn't see you," she spun to face him, feeling the usual rush as her blood boiled.
"That last note. Ouch," he half-smirked, leaving a trace of a smile.
"Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry. I – I don't know what happened," Karen shook her head in frustration, letting a nervous laugh escape her lips.
"Oh, I know," Derek let the half-smirk curl his mouth again.
"Wha – ?"
"You were overwhelmed with her, weren't you? You saw her, she was in your head, wasn't she? Invading every common sense you presumed you had. Is that it?"
Karen was at a loss for words, jaw hanging slightly. Had he really read her thoughts? Or had she said them aloud?
"I know the feeling. Trust me, it'll pass," he tapped her shoulder lightly in what seemed an emphasis to his words, enough to make her dizzy.
As she tried to scrutinize him for a few seconds, he vanished. Kind of without her realizing it.
When morning came, they had the day off. No shows that night.
Karen decided to sleep in a little. A rest after the stressful times, and last-minute finish-ups before the first night. It was time for a little soul searching.
After ordering breakfast in bed, Karen dressed, exited the hotel, and headed to the nearest flower shop. There she properly met the shopkeeper, an old woman who, she later understood, had the heart of an angel. Her name was Angela, ironically enough.
Karen entered the shop, and looked around for the perfect bouquet. Tulips seemed terribly inappropriate. Roses even more so. That's when Karen saw lilies, and they struck her for some reason.
"I'll take these," she smiled warmly at Angela. It pained her terribly to see the old woman reach for the change.
"Are they for your darling?"
"No, just for a friend."
"Ah," the shopkeeper spoke slowly with a worn out voice. Karen wondered for a moment how much this woman lived through. Her tone seemed to carry rich knowledge. "A girl came here the other day. Chose the same fresh bouquet. Reminded me of you. You sure you didn't already come by?"
"No, ma'am. It's my first time here."
"Ah, alright. Well, come by more often."
"I definitely will," Karen picked up the flowers, and walked outside to catch a taxi.
"Right on the second floor," the nurse showed her to the second floor of the hospital.
Searching for room 134, Karen finally spotted it at the end of the hallway, adjacent with a big window that gave a view on the cloudy sky that scattered over Boston.
"Ivy?" Karen whispered.
The young blonde stirred, and opened her bright eyes after a few moments.
"Karen?"
The meeting resembled to those of friendly rivals who hadn't seen each other in years.
"Why?" Ivy mumbled, shaking her head.
"I had to explain."
A mutual feeling of guilt that hung in the air.
"And I needed explanations," Karen added, tentatively giving power to her voice so that their talk wouldn't be reduced to small murmur.
"Explanations for what?"
"Your arrogance, I suppose."
Rain drizzled on the window.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, I really didn't," the brunette corrected herself.
"It's okay. I get it. You're angry. I cut the last string of hope in your relationship. But you have to be thankful. It made you realize just how much it was useless to keep holding on."
Karen gulped. "Why does everyone always have to help me?"
"Because you have the face that demands it."
Lightning beyond the skyscrapers.
"I didn't have to find out like that."
"Neither did I." Ivy. With barely hushed a voice.
"It wasn't my fault."
"It never is."
Crisp. The air is crisp.
"Somehow, deep down, I wanted you to play her. Because now I'm scared," Karen approached her.
"You saw her, didn't you? In your mind?"
The rain is louder on the glass.
"How would you know?"
"I've felt it. The petrifying giddiness," Ivy looks her in the eyes. Really looks her in the eyes. As though it really was a window to the soul.
For a few seconds, no rain.
"It's – it's for you," Karen gives her the flowers, suddenly realizing it's the first bouquet and doesn't have anywhere to put it.
"Keep them. As a gift, from me. Congratulations. You took everyone's hearts. You won."
"I didn't win, Ivy. I lost. Nobody won. We're both on the edge. I'm just further away from it than you."
"Miss Lynn? We have lunch for you."
The nurse advanced from the door to the patient with one of those plastic smiles. Sometimes, the smile is warm. But today, the weather influenced it. It isn't a pleasant one. It's mild and plastic. Like the cup with the soup.
Karen left the hospital with hints of tears glistening in the depth of her heart, pushed back by the rain that streamed down on her pitifully.
She never found out why.
Heading straight for the theatre was her only salvage point. The day off didn't seem to start the way she planned it out to be.
Karen realized then just how much she had been naive. Believing Ivy would pardon her? How childish of her to think so!
It's an adult's life. People lie, people mock, people cry.
Especially in the business she joined.
Karen didn't even realize that she was opening the back door to the theatre, wiping away pretend tears from dry cheeks.
Suddenly, she felt the need to remember the feeling of that first night when everything was right. There's always one night when the world gives you happiness and peace.
The lights. The people. The stage. The music. Derek. Dev, Ivy.
And then her world went tumbling down the moment she thought about it. It always seemed to go back to cheating, lies.
Karen didn't want to feel it – the raw need to forget about it. She simply wanted to let it slip, unnoticed like gallons of water spent everyday. Like rain on an umbrella on a rainy day. Like dirty fingers during a child's play.
Sometimes you just know facts. As though they were plainly laid out before you. Karen wished she did.
They say determination drives you to places. They say it makes you want more. They say it makes you achieve goals that seem impossible at the start.
Karen had goals – make it to Broadway with a major role, get married, have children, live a happy life. That last statement didn't seem to go well for most people, as she had seen it to say the least.
She pulled open the doors to the grand room where she had previously performed. They were strangely open.
Music hit her ears. At first, she didn't want to recognize anything but her inner turmoil, so she didn't want to hear the melody.
Then it hit her.
Clair de lune.
Claude Debussy.
She looked up.
Derek Wills sat towering over a grand royal on the stage, and as she gradually approached it, she could see him caressing the keyboard with a tenderness she had never experienced from him before.
He seemed to transmit across the room the most obscure of secrets, the most horrifying of fears, the most sparkling of dreams, and the most luscious of memories of his wrenched soul through the flexible touch of his slender fingertips.
That's what guided him just as nervousness guided her.
She had seen beauty countless times before. But this was different. She saw the true, unveiled beauty that made Derek Wills. And he didn't have to say a word. Simply relinquish what his heart was unable to offer by itself.
Unconsciously, she took a seat in the audience, captivated by the astounding melody that seeped from the piano.
At that moment, she wished hers weren't the only pairs of ears that were listening.
The piano moaned an extraordinary harmony under his compassionate command. She shivered.
A broken chord, and arpeggio. She recognized them. She could feel them as plain as it sounded.
He developed into the piece with tremendous understanding. It seemed as though he were committing to it the years of experience he lived, the years of sore passion and distress, the weight that wouldn't grow off his shoulders.
Then she felt a release. As though he finally let go. A rest, a pause. A moment of silence breathed in her heart as she listened to it. Exonerating clarity intensified itself in his play, and he pushed himself forward, to the side, and back. The anchor rusted off and blessed him the right to drown in the endless waters. He let the flow of the current take him to the treasure in the middle of the sea. He... melted.
She felt a diminuendo toward that signified the end as he guided the notes on a feathery ascent to the last note. A light trace of a fire followed in his wake.
A yearning reminiscence.
He silently crowned the melody, remaining in his seat, slightly bowing his head towards the keys before him, hands resting on the edge of bench.
A prayer?
Karen felt herself stand up and applaud.
When he jerked to meet her eye, she advanced towards him, down the stairs.
She reached the end of the stage, and climbed up to stand next to him.
Floating on a cloud.
"That was marvellous," she told him, even if it was so much more.
He stayed mute, staring at her with eyes that reflected her own amazement.
"I didn't know you played," she added in a shaky voice.
He reached up to brush away a few tears that ran down her already moist cheeks.
"Oh, I'm crying," she laughed quietly.
He simply smiled.
"Who else knows?"
Somehow, she understood no one knew about his true grace. Later on, she thinks she saw it in his eyes.
Don't tell anyone who I really am, they told her quietly.
Sometimes words hold no true meaning to what really lies underneath the surface.
A/N : I am actually quite happy with this chapter.
A great thank you to Carla for the Ivy/Karen exchange idea!
Let me explain the D/K exchange : I want them, need them to discover about each other. And they will even more.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Please leave a review :)